Everything that rises must CONVERGE: Aldo and others read DC's CONVERGENCE clusterf*ck so you don't have to

Hooray! Convergence Speed Force #1 is set in Gotham! Because there aren't any of them about, are there? Thankfully, this is from a Gotham at the time of Flashpoint, except it can't be because Barry was back by then but Wally (who is, according to the text, the only Flash at the time) says he isn't. Honestly guys, when I said 'you' don't have to read things the 'you' I was talking about was other ILXors, not DC employees. So with the entire chronology to pick from, you can't even get the continuity right of the one YOU (that's YOU YOU DC staffers, not 'you' YOU ILXors) choose? WTF? I'm pretty sure a turtle that had spent the last 50 years living in an underwater cave could make a better fist of this.

So, Wally and the kids (wait a minute, didn't the kids get aged into adulthood by some weird shit from space or something? So how are they still 10 or whatever?) are trapped in Gotham and Wally's mind is unravelling, not least because none of the other heroes in this Gotham gaf about trying to get out and seem content to wallow in their own filth. But then we know that Batty Man likes that secretly. Anyway, Uncanny Braniac shows up in the sky like you'd expect and shows us the Hakwmans killing Wickedy Wild Wild Beetle (which is odd because it can't have happened yet) then drops the walls and Flash runs to save them but is too late. He then runs home where he is chased by one of the Zoo Crew before Armour Extreme Wonder Woman turns up with all her mates to kick his ass.

While he was running about in the desert, Wally failed to spot Batgirl Pissypants taking a dump behind a bush. That wasn't very observant of him, it could have been important. I mean it must be a plot point, right? Because otherwise it would just appear to be a grown man's fantasy about teenagers and urine and that couldn't possibly be true, could it?

Wait, aren't the pre- and post-Flashpoint earths the same earth? So how are they co-existing? Or did the pre-Flashpoint earth get retconned into being a parallel 52 earth or something?

Not to be naive and demand this makes sense or anything.

i think the whole gimmick of this Brainiac jazz is that he's resplitting all the continuities into different earths. right? i dunno.
that said, aldo - aren't they intentionally sticking to one alt. continuity per week or something?

Ok that makes sense. Or "sense".

No, the gimmick is that he's taken a city at a specific point of continuity out of time and that's ok because it was about to be taken out of continuity by whatever storyline it was part of collapsing universes together. It was always supposed to be something to do with the multiverse but it isn't at all really, other than making a general point that all of the universes in the multiverse are confirmed as being in the same multiverse.

They seem to be sticking to one broad set of 4 or 5 alt continuities a week, which makes the story even weaker because in their desperation to shoehorn in hero x, y and z they turn up even when they weren't there in the original comics.

To whit, Convergence Superman #1 , set in Gotham. It turns out Superman, Lois and Jimmy were covering a news story in Gotham while Flashpoint happened - I'm assuming this is the same Gotham that Speed Force is set in because there is still crime in this one and there isn't in the Batmang family Gotham books. Anyway, Superman gets his powers back as Uncanny Braniac pulls back his dome covering. Which raises more questions than it answers to be honest, given that we know Supes' powers come from being under a yellow sun, does that mean Uncanny Planet is also under a yellow sun? Historically, also, we've seen lack of exposure to the sun leave Supes <choke> as weak as a kitten. So why wasn't he here? And was the dome a giant UV filter, in which case why didn't everyone under it develop Vitamin D deficiency during the One Year Later? Not that Supes has noticed because he's only gone and got aloud up the duff while he could now, inn'e?

Dan Jurgens then gets hideously confused as the panel advising us a scene happens in the "Flashpoint Universe" has Captain Thunder and an unknown Batman (although we don't find out who it is, it's stated Bruce is dead). To seem to know they're from a collapsed continuity, which I thought only the Psycho Pirate was able to comprehend? Did nobody have to ACTUALLY READ ANY COMICS to understand what they were supposed to be writing?

Let's just have an 80 Page Giant Action Figure Playset Special instead, somebody might actually be able to write that.

Convergence Atom #1 is Ms Marvel in disguise. Red and blue costume, one giant hand. What else could it be? In this Gotham (which I'm guessing is the same one as Speed Force and Superman are in) Atom is a laughing stock who wanders round claiming to solve crimes and help people influenced by the voices in his head talking to him. Deathstroke turns up out of nowhere to stab him and/or blow him up when he gets transported away as the city's champion by Uncanny Braniac (which means it can't be the same Gothm as Batgirl Pissypants was picked as the champion of, although no Uncanny Magic Metal was involved this time, just a FWASH) where he fights a giant crocodile from The Extremists by punching a supersonic hole through both sides of his mouth. Then it turns out the voices in his head were the now-not-dead Ryan Choi.

Two books to read and this has been the closest issue this week to being a real pleasure to read. Not quite as good as All New Atom was, but a solid effort. Why weren't they all this good? Or any of them even close?

Convergence Question #1 is a real curio. Montoya, whose has had the Mark of Cain but is now missing it, has teamed up with Two Face to break up petty crime and steal medicine for themselves. She lives with the Huntress who tells her she can't trust Harvey and when she next sees him there's a long conversation about why his coin always comes up good recently. Then Uncanny Braniac appears in the sky, which convinces Harvey there must be Two Two Faces and, finally able to throw a scarred face, he knocks out Montoya. The Huntress says "I told you so" and Batwoman turns up on the last page in time for the conclusion next time. This appears to be using the Convergence umbrella just to allow them to tell a story out of continuity and I say SO FUCKIN' WHAT. The whole point of the multiverse is supposed to allow you to tell these if that's where the story lies, and I'd rather read this than Sinestro any day.

Convergence Titans #1 is just a complete mess. In the same Gotham as B&R, except the Titans are the only ones fighting the Extremists who we saw turn up and start to fight B&R on the last page of that book. So, nothing in common with the other books it shares physical space with (in the literary sense) and in fact ignores them, poorly and just... no. I can't think of anything else to say about it. I've just finished reading it, and I've forgotten everything about it already. With so few books to publish this week and 75 years to pick from is there REALLY any excuse for a filler book like this?

Still, at least no HOT PISS ACTION in these pages.

That feels like damning with faint praise, like congratulating someone for not being a murderer.

I think it's mostly just a campaign to Mark Waid cry.

This is the first thing I've read that makes me want to read Convergence.

i just flipped through a stack of these #1s: Suicide Squad, JLI, Superboy, Catwoman, Aquaman. They are one and all, utterly unredeemable. Bad art, bad story, unified in their bad connecting "ONLY ONE SHALL SURVIVE" threadline. it's amazing how these guys have some of the best known fictional characters of the 20th century at their disposal and they are doing fuck-all with them.

the bumper at the end of the first issue of aquaman promises "NEXT: SURF AND TURF... TO THE DEATH"
and that's what passes for humor

these clearly aren't for children; the violence and overt sexuality (done poorly) nix that.
they're clearly not for adults; the art and soporific plot guarantee that.
i'm fairly certain there's not a massive teen audience for this shit.
who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

well, yeah

who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

Certainly feeling the latter two thirds of that description.

these clearly aren't for children; the violence and overt sexuality (done poorly) nix that.
they're clearly not for adults; the art and soporific plot guarantee that.
i'm fairly certain there's not a massive teen audience for this shit.
who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

Weirdly, Bleeding Cool ran a story on how Convergence was the most kid-friendly stuff DC had published in years and was obviously their big play to get their core books back to all-ages.

http://www.bleedingcool.com/2015/04/15/dcs-convergence-the-return-of-all-ages-comics/

the bumper at the end of the first issue of aquaman promises "NEXT: SURF AND TURF... TO THE DEATH"
and that's what passes for humor

I mean, I am lolling but possibly not for the right reasons

bloody beatings, torture, murder and ears being torn off all certainly fall within my definition of fun for all the family! xp

that bleeding cool link is insane
"with softcore sex, light torture, murder, dick jokes and a panel of a hyena ripping a man's ear off, comics truly are for kids again!"
xxp!

At least Converge #2 explains why some cities are invading another in the first batch of connected b.s. aldo wrote about. Probably not the best idea to explain it a week later but hey, it's something.

To be fair to them, I can see the point they're trying to make. Compared to the last 5+ years of comics, probably from the start of the Superhero Sadface era and certainly since Tiny Footprints/Rape Mindwipe these are like Saturday morning cartoons.

No rapes, no eviscerations like we should by awestruck by dc's brave new direction

god am i glad i've skipped the last five years of dc
the marvel unlimited app has made it clear that they are doing interesting things, by and large, with their characters with some decent creators. this nonsense with convergence is just pap.

To be fair to them, I can see the point they're trying to make.

the point they're trying to make is totally idiotic though

Is it too simplistic to blame DC's years-long stint in the toilet on Bob Harras? The timeline certainly lines up.

so THAT'S how Lobdell got his gig

i'd be tempted to put a fair amount of blame on the creeping influence of geoff johns

that's always been my take. "it worked once"

I agree the pioont they're trying to make is idiotic, but in the land of the blind the woman in the refrigerator is dead.

I'd point at Geoff Johns too, his Tiny Handprints are all over the worst excesses of the Sadface Era.

(wtf is a pioont and can we eat it)

Let us not forget Meltzer

The era of Meltzer and the ascendancy of Johns feels like a veritable golden age these days.

The sadface era aligned with some pretty great other DC comics -- Catwoman, 52, Gotham Central, Secret Six, Y The Last Man, Brave&Bold -- plus a pretty amazing run from Grant Morrison, from Seaguy and The Filth through Final Crisis.

And Darwyn's Spirit book...

But then also Identity Crisis, Blackest Night, Countdown Arena... etc.

I cut orders of the second half of these series by an average of 50%. Every one I've flipped through has looked like complete shit, it's been tough to even give my staff pointers on how to sell it.

This is doing even worse than the Future's End special event from last fall (with the weird covers), which, itself did about half as well as the previous year's special event with funny covers.
DC cannot get anything right - last fall it was five new Batman titles because Bat-shit was the only thing they could reliably sell, two or three of those have already been 86ed.

I love that DC keeps trying to make a better Countdown: Arena. Adorable. Rao bless 'em.

http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/2015/04/grumpy-old-fan-when-not-to-cross-over/
I loved Mazing Man; it was the Louie of comix at teh time

I just submitted forksclovetofu's post to Best Comics Writing 2015.

Wasn't it someone at DC who openly admitted comics were mostly for collectors in their 40s now?

Writeups will be very late this week, broadband has failed and won't be back till at least Monday.

Just in case you thought I'd given up, or gouged my eyes out.

Mazing man was great
Xxp

i still got the full series somewhere...

So, in the week since the above posts the solicits have come out for the first post-Convergence (or, more importantly, the NEW post-Convergence titles) and I am filled with even more contempt than before. Fuck you DiDio, fuck you Geoff Johns, fuck you all. But in the interests of you lot I will continue...

Convergence #2 has our Earth 2 heroes trapped in Uncanny Braniac's frozen metallic spunk. My first thought is, as last week implied it should be, whether Batgirl has been for a pee yet. We get about 10 pages of flashback to Earth 2: World's End, since nobody was reading it, to explain why the people here are important then Uncanny Braniac tells them he wants them to fight the Johnsiverse Future's End who he picked up by accident and doesn't know what to do with. Obamaman is able to crack the spunk which lets Alan Scott meditate again and attack Uncanny Braniac with the full power of The Beige. This makes him run away (although Batgirl Pissypants assumes this means he's dead, which probably explains why she never actually finally defeated anyone) so Nightwang takes Batman to a Batcave - because, like water divining, all you need is instinct and a stick - where Babs Gordon and Alfred introduce Batman to Batman then they take a car back to the surface where they meet Deimos in an OBVIOUS BAD GUY FAKE-OUT. Needless to say, Batgirl Pissypants doesn't get it.

Once more with feeling, fuck you Geoff Johns.

It will come as no surprise to any of you that Convergence Aquaman #1 is utter bollocks. After finding out last week that EVERYONE was in Gotham pre-Flashpoint it now turns out that EVERYONE was in pre-Zero Hour Metropolis including the ENTIRE Justice League. But we don't care about them because Aquaman is the only one that's any good at all, as we find out near the beginning because he's the only one doing any crime fighting. Unfortunately, being Aquaman he fucks his own life us big style by dumping Chemo in the bay and poisoning his house, and as a result his best new buddy Dane Dorrance lets him live under his shower. He turned up with both hands but as the dome went FWASH he only had one and the magic hook from the grim 'n' gritty era. Anyway, we get the Floating Uncanny Braniac Head that appears in every book explaining the plot then somebody he knows turns up and starts killing people in a grim 'n' gritty way. Mmmmm. TASTE THE GRIM.

Still, it's Saturday morning cartoons compared to Convergence Batman: Shadow of the Bat #1 featuring characters I could give a shit about being grimmer 'n' grittier just like they were bitd. And of course the more observant of you will have spotted that means Batman was in Metropolis too! And maybe also that him and Azrael did nothing about crime for an entire year until the exact moment when YOU GUESSED IT Uncanny Braniac appears in the sky no reads his script. Then there's an argument about whether he causes a time shift or not, because detecting that is a new super power. Nostalgia and literally nothing else. And nostalgia for a dreadful comic at that.

Hoo-fuckin'-ray, Purple Suit Catwoman was in Metropolis as well! And so Convergence Catwoman #1 tells the completely uninspiring story of how she became the only crime fighter in Metropolis and blah blah blah fuck all happens blah blah Uncanny Braniac in the sky blah blah then Kingdom Come Batman turns up to beat the crap out of her next month and I lose the will to live.

So, the Goatee Green Arrow was ALSO in Metropolis as detailed in Convergence Green Arrow #1 , which is pretty odd because a different Green Arrow was there as part of the Justice League as shown in Aquaman. Which would be confusing were it not that this GA is a lazy twat who has done nothing for a year except stop angry mobs because Metropolis is doing the aul' racism now Father. The issue retells the meeting of Ollie and Connor Hawke - because HEY! that ashram was in Metropolis too - then Braniac Riders In The Sky and they bump into a one eyed Black Canary or something and a book of GA kids' daddy issues beckons next month. I CAN'T WAIT.

Convergence Green Lantern: Parallax #1 is basically a Wikipedia entry about How The Grinch Stole Christmas, or more likely, How The Hal Killed His Little Blue Buddies. Oh yeah, him and Kyle Rayner are in Metropolis too. So then they both get their green back when Ghost Braniacs In The Sky remove the dome, then some woman from a Dean Motter Image book turns up and kicks Kyle's arse without breaking sweat which allows Hal to act like a knob. No change there then. Dreadful stuff.

Convergence Justice League International #1 features the thrilling adventures of the only crime fighters in, unlikely as it sounds, Metropolis. They have a fight with Metallo then Blue Beetle turns down a definite shag to tinker with Archimedes the Owl Ship and talk to Rorschach. Or maybe it's fix The Bug and talk to the Martian Manhunter, but you get the drift. Ghost Braniac does his turn then the skies turn all funny coloured - which is cool, because it only happens in this book and not in any of the other hundred set in Metropolis at the same time - when Kingdom Come WW and Shazam turn up to kill everyone. Looks like I have no memory of even more dogshit comics than I thought.

So, Louisiana in in Metropolis now, is it? And Gotham is too? They must be, because not only does Babs Gordon/Oracle turn up at home in Convergence Suicide Squad #1 but Belle Reve is there too and thankfully it's full not only of the regular SS but also Cyborg Superman, Bane, Black Manta and Deathstroke. Despite this, nothing happens except explain what's going to happen next month. BASICALLY Kingdom Come Alan Scott is the Bestest Green Lantern Ever (which must have made Geoff Johns feel physically sick, such heresy) and is so powerful he has created a whole new planet which the Kingdom Comers are using now the domes are down and the plan is to blow shit up. There might be something happen next time round. I wouldn't hold your breath though.

I really couldn't give a shit about Converence Superboy #1 and I'll be amazed if anybody else did. It feels like it rips off Miracleman at various points, but once Kon gets his powers back various Kingdom Comers smack him about, including Red Robin. Imagine the embarrassment of being beaten by The Dick. Glowy Eyes Superman turns up at the end and they are going to fight next month. I think we're supposed not care about any of the rest of it and get excited by the notion of a Man/Boy fight. I can't, to be honest.

At least Convergence Supergirl: Matrix #1 understands that it's a bullshit book nobody is going to read and has been dealt a shitty set of cards. It says it up front right at the beginning and dispatches the Floating Head of Uncanny Braniac really early on to it can get on with FIGHTING. The blob of something which is in the shape of Supergirl (really?) has a Who's More Ludicrous with Lord Volt and Lady Quark (which is weird because Earth 6 - which may now be Earth 48 - isn't supposed to be in this). We're all supposed to cheer at the end when Ambush Bug turns up, aren't we. One of the more blatant grabs for publicity of recent years.

Convergence Steel #1 is a weird one. It contradicts pretty much every other book, not least because everyone else in every dome is complaining about resources running out but Steel is happily wasting stuff on experiments and he needs to because lots of other people in Metropolis have managed to make powered suits and they are forming gangs and fighting with each other. That's ok though, because Steel has managed to turn a real cat into a robot pussy that he's going to team up with, probably. Gen 13 From Liefeldverse appear and they have the start of a fight but not enough to care about. I'm just waiting for another glimpse of Steel Pussy.

Not going to lie, this is one of my worst experiences in reading comics. Every single thing sucks and only exists to make nostalgic fanboys of a very specific age cream themselves. And none of it does anything for me. The two issue structure doesn't work either - these first issues don't get anything done and set up a scenario which has to be replied next time in as few pages as possible. I don't think I'm looking forward to any of them based on two weeks of #1s. A weaker man would give up on DC forever as a result of this.

This is the point in the hotdog-eating competition where the cheers directed toward an impressive undertaking that none of us actually want to personally undertake start to fade as we all become increasingly concerned for your health and well-being.

Yes, Tuomas, that was the first thought that went through my head too. OBVIOUSLY.

Serious answer, which Superman? The Earth 1 Suoerman probably always had it.

so... nothing happened, essentially?

Yup.

it felt like that's where they were headed even when you were reading individual random issues.
marvel has problems but dc is so completely clueless right now.

From what I've been able to gather, the entire point of the exercise was to free DC from the shackles of continuity so that their creators can tell shitty stories that don't have to make any more sense in the context of a larger narrative than they do in a vacuum.

When, really, it seems like they've done an excellent job of inadvertently freeing themselves from the shackles of continuity over the past several years.

I've also just realised I just threw in Waverider without explaining who he is. From someone else's summary:

Multiple versions of Booster Gold enter the fray. Booster Golds… oh boy. Okay, in order to understand the significance of this moment, you will need to have read the following series: 52, Booster Gold, Justice League International (vol 2), Futures End: Booster Gold, and Convergence: Booster Gold. So if you haven’t, ya know, read 10 years worth of comic books about Booster Gold, here’s what ya need to know: the Pre-New 52 Booster Gold is the protector of the time stream (this Booster Gold shall hereby known as 52 Booster). Think Dr Who except American. When Flashpoint occurred, a new Booster Gold was created with the New 52 timeline (this Booster Gold shall hereby known as N52 Booster).

Okay, so both of these versions of Booster meet upon Telos. Brainiac abducted both of them (along with 52 Booster’s sister and son – Rip Hunter) trying to find the location vanishing point (a floating fortress that exists at the end of time, where time is catalogued). N52 Booster spilled the beans about it to Brainiac, and that’s how Brainiac has been able to abduct different timelines. Meanwhile, 52 Booster has been bouncing around different timelines, and therefore, has contracted a bad case of temporal radiation poisoning: in short – he’s ageing really quickly. So N52 Booster, Rip Hunter, 52 Booster’s sister, and Ted Korg – the Blue Beetle – take 52 Booster to the vanishing point where he is healed of his condition and transforms into Waverider – a entity who is connected to all moments of time (Phew… that was tiring to explain).

Back to Convergence #8 – N52 Booster and Waverider show up right as Telos stops Parallax. Waverider then says that the only person who can stop the destruction of the Multiverse is Brainiac. So Waverider uses his powers to access the Futures End timeline where Brainiac was trapped and frees him.

Got it? Good.

That source ( http://whatculture.com/comics/6-mega-universe-changing-spoilers-from-dcs-convergence-8.php ) does point out that it thinks that the Johnsiverse sort of still does exist but merges with the pre-CoIE multiverse and it'll all get harmonised out once someone writes a story that needs it. This was covered by the line in the comics "the worlds evolved".

I actually go with Old Lunch's first take there - the major point of this seems to be to remove the same universe constraints that irritated me so much about the Johnsiverse and to handwave continuity errors into 'another universe'. It's a superhero version of "don't ask, don't tell", if you assume it's the same then well and good, if you find a problem there's a pre-packed solution.

i kinda remember waverider... he's basically the 90's metron, right?

Serious answer, which Superman? The Earth 1 Suoerman probably always had it.

I'm not well-versed on DC Earths, but isn't Earth-1 the "main Earth" that pre-crisis stories mostly followed? And Earth-2 was the one were WWII era superheroes had aged in real time? But with COIE all the Earths merged, and several characters were retconned, including Superman, who lost many of his pre-crisis powers, including the super-venriloquism. So after COIE, there was no Earth 1/2/etc, just one single universe and one single Earth. So I don't get how "the Earth 1 Superman always had it", if there was no multiple Earths, and there was just one Superman without ventriloquism? Anyway, what I meant to ask is, if COIE was retconned, does that mean that the "main Earth" Superman is now the pre-crisis Superman, and that he has all of his pre-crisis powers? Or does the pre-crisis Superman now live on some other Earth?

Yes. (not a sarcastic answer)

When you say Johnsiverse are you referring to the post-Flashpoint New 52-era? Or the one before that following Infinite Crisis?

Post-Flashpoint.

ah k

this thread is giving me a migraine

wtf dc

Dan Didio punched the universe

donkeypunched the universe, more like