Kids say the darndest things

Poor kids.

Tommy Moore - how much dough did he spend?

It took me far too long to figure this out, but now I am a'lolin'.

haw!

I'm so pissed off that my kid's elementary school doesn't have any theater in it at all. I remember there being school plays all the way back to 1st grade. They were miserable for me, but my son's such a ham. It seems like he'd be a natural fit.

:/

"dad, have you ever been drunk?"

what do you even

"Yes"

yep my kids are at the age when they're juuuuuust about ready to ask about whether we've done drugs. we crossed the "have you ever been drunk" threshold a long time ago.

"How do you think we had you?"

They screen-printed a T-shirt for me one birthday with a camera and a bottle of beer on it. :/

In a north Liverpool suburb at the weekend we were on our way to a 9th birthday party when we passed half a chocolate cake, abandoned on the pavement, presumably at the spot it slipped from someone's grasp.

Ava: "I hope that's not Abi's."
Me: "It's like that song... (singing or "singing") 'Someone left a cake out in the rain / And I don't think that I can take it / Cos it took so long to bake it / And I'll never have the recipe againnnnn'"
Ava: (laughing) "What is THAT? That is ridiculous. You made that up."
Me: "It's a famous Jimmy Webb song! Look..." (gets the Richard Harris version up on YouTube)
Ava and Lulu listen to a few verses, we get to the line...
Ava: "Oh, that is just YOU. You recorded that and put your voice through...a thing."
Me: "It's real! It's Richard Harris! There are strings and... I mean, why would I even..."
Ava: "You're ridiculous, Daddy."

(Anyway, the outcome of this is that I've just ordered A Tramp Shining in time to blow their minds Friday evening).

Ha. I wouldn't believe it either.

Haha. That would be a pretty sweet "dad" move to pull on some kids, recording your own YouTubes.

Beeps was asking me one time at the drive-thru window on the way home, "Why do we always have to stop at the liquor store?"

And I say, "Because it's the only place between school and home where I can buy beer without getting out of the car. I don't want you two loose in a liquor store."

She says, "Well it doesn't have alcohol in your beer, does it?"

I just turn around and look at her, "Of course, it has alcohol. Why else would I be drinking it?"

It's fun sometimes to ruin things like Red Ribbon Week.

Oh jeez, we don't have a drive-through liquor store around here. Bringing my kids in with me to buy beer is always nerve-wracking. Just thinking about all the stuff they knock over and break at home.

Liquor store still one of the few places around that stack fragile items like vodka bottles in a display on the floor, like it's Seamus' General Goods or something.

We're basically raising Ivy at the bar on the corner so I don't think the conversation about being drunk will be too difficult.

I'm more worried about the conversation about drugs, particularly when she's older because I am definitely taking a "do as I say, not as I did" stance on them.

Me: You’ve been working very hard today, but like your mother.
A: I’m hard! *pause* Hard to take care of!

(Kicks me in the man-boob)

"I think you're my mom."

convo between my 5 year old and her (christian) friend, who mentioned that god created the world.
Daughter: "What? No, the MOON created the world."
Friend: "No, it was Jesus..."
Daughter: "No! There was a big rock in space and... I don't know, but it wasn't a GUY!"

High five, daughter.

not sure about the moon thing...

Seems as plausible as friend's theory.

Nice.

Haha awesome

so good

Me: You’ve been working very hard today, but like your mother.
A: I’m hard! *pause* /Hard to take care of!/

I love this

"but like your mother" should be "just like..." in that exchange. They had spent the afternoon doing yard work together.

Yard to take care of

"If the sun had a butt it could poo on the itsy-bitsy spider".

Hahahaha

Excellent counterfactual thinking!

"Would you like some of this for dinner?"
"What is it?"
"Pumpkin soup"
In tones of stunned awe: "Pumpkin soup? Pumpkin SOUP? What are you TALKING about?!!"

I'm having an IRL giggle fit. Pumpkin soup???!? The hell you say!

I'd feel the same way.

Well goddamm, pumpkin soup. What next, a cake made out of CHEESE?

And on Sunday we were at a christening, so in a church, and Ella starts patting my wife's jacket. "I like your jacket, Mummy." Long pause, then very loudly: "I can feel you have BOOBS!"

omg

ime boobs are a very important ~~imaginary~~ of young girls

Stupendous :)

this is amazing

[teaching 4 and 5 year olds about herbi-/carni-/omnivores]

kid: "which ones is a cat?"
me: "let's think about it. what do cats eat?"
kid: "creme de la creme"

!!!

from my 10 year old nephew the other day:

"Last night I dreamed that my mother was pregnant and also that I was able to whistle!"

A friend's four, almost five-year-old came home and told her dad, "Smell my vulva. It smells wonderful."

O_O

also lol

O_O is a good approximation of her dad's reaction.

Well did it?

jk

Just want to indicate that that was not my child.

It was not! I'd never scoop you like that.

Here's one from my child, as she was DJing by playing songs off of my wife's iPod: "Some DJs like to get funky, but not me."