Kids say the darndest things

When Henry wants me to put my arm around him he now says 'Put a seatbelt on me, Mama!'

:)

That is adorable.

oh that's so cute.

omg

3-yo looking at match attax card of arteta

me: "that's mikel arteta! he's spanish. he plays for arsenal"

3-yo says "he's rubbish" and does a no-look toss of the card over his shoulder

looool

6-yo, pointing to bath:

"that tap is bare old, man"

More religious brainwashing

K told my wife that two of her blocks were "Standing up for God" (she actually said "Hashem" which makes it funnier if you understand the cultural milieu), and that one of them was "Lying down because he didn't want to."

public school can't come soon enough

lol

haha!

daughter made me almost cry when she announced very seriously that our recently deceased cat is now "walking around in my heart." (awwww)

:(

but <3

"Daddy, I have a question."
"Yes?"
"Why do I have so many questions?"

irl lol

lmao

My elder son is doing Grease as his school play, says he thinks the music is terrible, especially the song about Tommy Moore.

bahahaha

Poor kids.

Tommy Moore - how much dough did he spend?

It took me far too long to figure this out, but now I am a'lolin'.

haw!

I'm so pissed off that my kid's elementary school doesn't have any theater in it at all. I remember there being school plays all the way back to 1st grade. They were miserable for me, but my son's such a ham. It seems like he'd be a natural fit.

:/

"dad, have you ever been drunk?"

what do you even

"Yes"

yep my kids are at the age when they're juuuuuust about ready to ask about whether we've done drugs. we crossed the "have you ever been drunk" threshold a long time ago.

"How do you think we had you?"

They screen-printed a T-shirt for me one birthday with a camera and a bottle of beer on it. :/

In a north Liverpool suburb at the weekend we were on our way to a 9th birthday party when we passed half a chocolate cake, abandoned on the pavement, presumably at the spot it slipped from someone's grasp.

Ava: "I hope that's not Abi's."
Me: "It's like that song... (singing or "singing") 'Someone left a cake out in the rain / And I don't think that I can take it / Cos it took so long to bake it / And I'll never have the recipe againnnnn'"
Ava: (laughing) "What is THAT? That is ridiculous. You made that up."
Me: "It's a famous Jimmy Webb song! Look..." (gets the Richard Harris version up on YouTube)
Ava and Lulu listen to a few verses, we get to the line...
Ava: "Oh, that is just YOU. You recorded that and put your voice through...a thing."
Me: "It's real! It's Richard Harris! There are strings and... I mean, why would I even..."
Ava: "You're ridiculous, Daddy."

(Anyway, the outcome of this is that I've just ordered A Tramp Shining in time to blow their minds Friday evening).

Ha. I wouldn't believe it either.

Haha. That would be a pretty sweet "dad" move to pull on some kids, recording your own YouTubes.

Beeps was asking me one time at the drive-thru window on the way home, "Why do we always have to stop at the liquor store?"

And I say, "Because it's the only place between school and home where I can buy beer without getting out of the car. I don't want you two loose in a liquor store."

She says, "Well it doesn't have alcohol in your beer, does it?"

I just turn around and look at her, "Of course, it has alcohol. Why else would I be drinking it?"

It's fun sometimes to ruin things like Red Ribbon Week.

Oh jeez, we don't have a drive-through liquor store around here. Bringing my kids in with me to buy beer is always nerve-wracking. Just thinking about all the stuff they knock over and break at home.

Liquor store still one of the few places around that stack fragile items like vodka bottles in a display on the floor, like it's Seamus' General Goods or something.

We're basically raising Ivy at the bar on the corner so I don't think the conversation about being drunk will be too difficult.

I'm more worried about the conversation about drugs, particularly when she's older because I am definitely taking a "do as I say, not as I did" stance on them.

Me: You’ve been working very hard today, but like your mother.
A: I’m hard! *pause* Hard to take care of!

(Kicks me in the man-boob)

"I think you're my mom."

convo between my 5 year old and her (christian) friend, who mentioned that god created the world.
Daughter: "What? No, the MOON created the world."
Friend: "No, it was Jesus..."
Daughter: "No! There was a big rock in space and... I don't know, but it wasn't a GUY!"

High five, daughter.

not sure about the moon thing...

Seems as plausible as friend's theory.

Nice.

Haha awesome

so good

Me: You’ve been working very hard today, but like your mother.
A: I’m hard! *pause* /Hard to take care of!/

I love this

"but like your mother" should be "just like..." in that exchange. They had spent the afternoon doing yard work together.

Yard to take care of

"If the sun had a butt it could poo on the itsy-bitsy spider".

Hahahaha

Excellent counterfactual thinking!