ask a booty cleaner

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that...that answers so many questions (all of which I was too afraid to ask)

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Saturday, 14 February 2015 03:35 (nine years ago) link

I have trouble understanding how bootyflakes would be plentiful enough to be visible on a toilet seat. Was the seat somewhat adhesive? Was the person's skin actually sloughing off in that big of flakes? Even if there was sufficient contrast in the color of the toilet seat and the person's skin, that's a lot of skin to lose at once on a normal toilet seat! Why isn't the bootycleaner helping us?

a girl with colitis (Je55e), Saturday, 14 February 2015 16:29 (nine years ago) link

Or DJP, who first documented the flakes?

a girl with colitis (Je55e), Saturday, 14 February 2015 16:29 (nine years ago) link

flake ya tailfeather

example (crüt), Saturday, 14 February 2015 17:52 (nine years ago) link

Imagine a pudgy, ashy black dude with questionable hygiene

Now imagine him leaving a ring on your toilet seat

Commence to barfing

"Go pet your dog" is the name of my dog (DJP), Saturday, 14 February 2015 21:09 (nine years ago) link

as a white dude who wears a lot of black I understand the need to scrub/moisturize

mh, Sunday, 15 February 2015 00:24 (nine years ago) link

One time I was getting a pedicure from a woman with very dry arms. Every once in awhile she'd pause to scratch at them causing a snowstorm of arm flakes to float down into the soaking tub. Towards the end she commented about how she doesn't know why her arms are peeling but they are so itchy, as she scratched and shed all over my feet.

I came very close to Yelping that day.

about a dozen duck supporters (carl agatha), Sunday, 15 February 2015 01:17 (nine years ago) link

I have no comments regarding booty flakes but I think that it is a good idea to try to not have them.

a booty cleaner, Sunday, 15 February 2015 19:40 (nine years ago) link

I was hoping you'd have something to say about the science/mechanics of bootyflakes.....but thanks, a booty cleaner. that seems like sensible advice.

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Sunday, 15 February 2015 21:27 (nine years ago) link

(also, lol @ "I came very close to Yelping that day")

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Sunday, 15 February 2015 21:27 (nine years ago) link

ten months pass...

i hope everyone has had a clean booty in 2015

a booty cleaner, Wednesday, 30 December 2015 03:13 (eight years ago) link

wouldn't that put you out of a job?

mookieproof, Wednesday, 30 December 2015 04:57 (eight years ago) link

that is not something I feel the need to discuss. please do not negate me.

a booty cleaner, Thursday, 31 December 2015 04:44 (eight years ago) link

it may be the work of the world's booty cleaners that's responsible for the clean booties of 2015

home organ, Thursday, 31 December 2015 05:38 (eight years ago) link

does a booty cleaner secretly abhor people who clean their own booties, in the same way that gas station attendants abhor drivers who patronize self-service stations and cashiers abhor shoppers who use self-checkout lanes? by offering free booty cleaning advice on a public message board, is he basically admitting the futility of seeking payment for professional booty cleaning services in our current economic times?

small doug yule carnival club (unregistered), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:12 (eight years ago) link

ITB (in this bootyconomy)

Does that make you mutter, under your breath, “Damn”? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:21 (eight years ago) link

(or maybe he's peppering this thread with misleading advice in an effort to sabotage our amateur booty cleaning routines and drive us back to the booty cleaners with cries of 'what have I done wrong!?' I hate to cast aspersions on his character, but it's clear from the last exchange that he is either frustrated with his lack of business opportunities or morally outraged at our lives of quiet defecation)

small doug yule carnival club (unregistered), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:47 (eight years ago) link

that booty runs deep

Does that make you mutter, under your breath, “Damn”? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 31 December 2015 07:00 (eight years ago) link

nice to see that a booty cleaner is back to vote in the EOY poll

a cruet of destiny (seandalai), Thursday, 31 December 2015 18:01 (eight years ago) link

I never got the impression abc was a cleaner of all, just a prodigious self-cleaner who was into advocacy

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 31 December 2015 19:50 (eight years ago) link

one year passes...

i've had kids for 5 years now, and since then i've had baby wipes in the house and clean a lot of butts with them. it occurred to me early on after my older son was born, when changing a diaper, why don't i use these? since then i cannot imagine wiping my ass with just plain toilet paper, it feels so savage and unclean, so now we keep baby wipes in each bathroom and i keep them in my desk at work, too. if i know i'm going to take a shit somewhere besides my house or work, i make sure i take them with me. i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

marcos, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 18:00 (six years ago) link

was gonna say

i buy those cottonelle refill packs every week and i use them all over my body tbh

i n f i n i t y (∞), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:05 (six years ago) link

i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

egon :

i like to be ready for a blowjob at any moments notice

― cutty, Thursday, 23 August 2007 16:37

shackling the masses with plastic-wrapped snack picks (sic), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:23 (six years ago) link

weird glitch

shackling the masses with plastic-wrapped snack picks (sic), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:24 (six years ago) link

The issue with flushable wipes is that they're not.

I'm pleased to introduce the term 'fatberg' to this esteemed thread.

Vernon Locke, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 23:39 (six years ago) link

^^^ baby wipes are evil and full of plastic, sorry y'all I know they are awesome

they represent probably the single biggest source of waste/plastic in the festival compost that I help to process

sleeve, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 23:48 (six years ago) link

Gonna say it again: google "balneol"
It will change your life. Expensive but more budget worthy than Netflix

i believe that (s)he is sincere (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 29 November 2017 04:10 (six years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/xdnIcI0.png

This is not what I want to see when landing on balneol's website for the first time tbh.

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 29 November 2017 09:25 (six years ago) link

What's the deal here anyway? "We'll show people who look embarrassed to *connect* with embarrassed customers... Excellent..."

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 29 November 2017 09:26 (six years ago) link

two years pass...

who was dis

origami condom (Neanderthal), Saturday, 19 September 2020 06:12 (four years ago) link

xp from the bidet thread for "posterity"

i bought a bidet attachment at the start of the pandemic in the midst of the great 2020 TP shortage but my toilet's water tank valve had limescaled shut like a vice, requiring a plumber and a world in which I felt comfortable letting a plumber into my bathroom. About a month ago, we finally had the entire toilet replaced and the bidet attached at the same time. I can definitely avow this as a major quality of life improvement.

Questions answered:

* No electricity necessary.
* The bidet doesn't use water from the toilet tank. It comes from the same pipe that feeds your faucet.
* You may need to get a new toilet seat; I found this $25 Kohler model worked well.
* First few days of first-time use definitely engendered a HEY WHAT'S GOING ON THERE sensation but you adjust super fast.
* Warm water would absolutely be preferable but as an apartment renter whose toilet is not adjacent to the sink and opted for the base model, I can tell you that you get used to cold water even in the middle of the night whilst half asleep.
* Yes, it absolutely does get you fully clean without using toilet paper at all, though you have to give it about 20 to 30 seconds to spray.
* You can dry yourself lightly with toilet paper (which reduces usage by a factor of 3-5 btw) or you can air dry for a minute or two and that generally gets the job done. Added bonus: I am finally finishing reading those old issues of National Geographic.
* The base model has a "nozzle wash" function which you can activate before and after use. It appears to keep the apparatus well cleaned and clear of clogs.
* There's a bit of clean water overspray on the underside of the toilet, but maybe i just need to adjust the angle? That's about the biggest hassle attached to use. Requires a single pane of toilet paper to mop up.
* For those with hangups about potential colonic penetration: I suppose you could, with work, double yourself up to shoot a jet of water up your own ass but given the angle of the nozzle it's not something that's likely to happen on accident.
* I am finding this works very well with a toilet bench/squatty potty.

For anyone with Crohns/Colitis/hemorrhoids, sensitive or fissure-prone excretory bits, or just general pruritius ani, i cannot recommend this enough. Several long-standing issues with itching and abrasion disappeared in the space of two weeks.

There's an argument to be made against Tushy's hyper-millenial, pro-asshole marketing approach, but the bottom line (oy) is they sell a $90 model that works and should be easy enough for almost anyone to install without a plumber. If you have the kind of structural problems that I did, a plumber should be able to fix and plug this in well under an hour and for less than a hundred bucks. I daresay you'll be able to save $150 on toilet paper within one year of installation.

https://hellotushy.com/products/classic-affordable-bidet

NB: I am a male human without female parts and cannot speak to women's experience with a bidet in general or this model in particular... though i would appreciate a woman's POV on this to share with my partner who continues to view the device as a superfluous addition to the bathroom and considers it a potential source of UTIs.

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Tuesday, 22 September 2020 16:55 (four years ago) link

neanderthal i'm afraid you've exceeded your quota of butt-related content for the year

trapped out the barndo (crüt), Tuesday, 22 September 2020 17:02 (four years ago) link

Hello, everyone! The world is a mess but I sincerely hope that our booties are not!

a booty cleaner, Thursday, 24 September 2020 18:18 (four years ago) link

Booty cleaner! I am so glad you are still here for us, and for our dirty, dirty booties.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Thursday, 24 September 2020 18:50 (four years ago) link

I want only the cleanest of booties for my pals on the ILX message board!

a booty cleaner, Saturday, 3 October 2020 16:41 (four years ago) link


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