Depression and what it's really like

sometimes yr negative thoughts might be realistic

feeling this tbh.

the meditative 'acknowledge and sit with' negative thoughts / feelings approach tends to work for me in the sense that it doesn't make those thoughts go away but it gives them a shape and solidity that i can fully inhabit for a while with the understanding that it isn't a totality.

also it gives me more permission to be a mess internally when i need to be, which i think is an important 'first step' towards being open to a relatively safe and stable state of mind when it comes (major empathy for people who people who rarely or never experience this). when i try and deny or cover up that i'm feeling bad, i'm asking for more difficulty.

people who people who

It occurs to me that "sitting with" troublesome thoughts is like times when I've made a joke or said something that got a negative reaction but I really don't take it to heart. Or like working with someone who dislikes me (even though I don't dislike them), but not being affected by it. The badness is still there but it doesn't get in my way. I'm hoping to learn to do that with my own thoughts and feelings.

word

Je55e:I should do that as well....

I can't figure out if My problem is depression, anxiety* or ??? Mostly I just feel off. I guess dysphoric would be the word. I definitely have periods where anxiety is a problem, but mostly it's an indistinct unpleasant feeling. Angst, I guess.

That vagueness is mostly a problem when trying to treat it medically b/c psychiatrists don't have time for sussing out this stuff, especially mine. I suppose therapy is how I have to ID and address those feelings.

Does anyone else have this kind of general hard to pin down off feeling? What is it? Existential dread? Not everything needs a label, sure, but names are sometimes necessary.

* Holy cow, iPhone suggested that word....

Existential angst. I have this a lot and it is super uncomfortable. Sometimes it is worse than other times. Combo of anxiety, depression, uncertainty of self and life and humanity and oh god I could go on. Makes me wish I had religion.

But instead I'm a social worker with sick and dying people, which both exacerbates and alleviates the angst.

loud and clear on that one
i know it's bad when i get intrusive thoughts about students between 3-5am and the bad thoughts disrupt my ability to have fun generally speaking
but this is the path i've chosen

separating work and home is essential for people in the caring professions -- it also takes some practice. i wish you the best of luck!

i get intrusive thoughts at that time too. i have all those problems. working at home, spacing out at work. feeling like fuuuuuuck this who cares. i don't want a caring profession anymore.

just when you think it can't get any worse ... it gets much much worse

:( <3

http://i.imgur.com/nwQPfOv.jpg

dope!

Not in a good place. Not like "don't leave the house" depression thankfully but 'I'm with my friends yet I'm here all alone and useless and constantly feel like crying in public".

Thankful for my therapist...

Come to find out I've had fairly fucking seriously depressed for about the past 3 months. I only realize now how deep it was b/c I've been feeling pretty normal the past week. That was terrible and it makes just-normal feel like euphoria.

What kind of bullshit is this? After 20-some years of getting to know depression, how can it sneak up and settle in unnoticed like that? I'm focused on enjoying being OK, but still I'm surprised.

idk, sometimes a side effect of being depressed is how it wrecks your ability to perceive things correctly. I similarly didn't recognize that's what I was going through until I went to NYC, had actual joyful feelings, and realized it was a sharp contrast to what I'd been feeling before and since. sometimes you have to have something to compare it to recently to know?

hoping your feelings of normalcy is a continuing trend and sign of blue skies ahead

seem to be over my last little wave, have had three good weeks in a row. lotsa negative feelings below the surface still, but I recognize my own symptoms as indicative of that I'm starting to heal and there's just a long way to go (mostly on the anxiety tip). being back in my old job has been a huge help thus far.

the self-loathing though is worse than it's ever been (I'm just learning to ignore it) - hoping my therapist can help me with that, as we haven't spent a lot of time talking about it recently.

also bought myself a portable breathalyzer and that was a smart decision. for the OCD guy who doesn't trust his own instincts :)

ran out of pills wowwww

For how long? You OK?

Ssri? Are you having "brain shivers"?

yeah I'll be fine, didn't mean to beg for attention, just newly medicated and the withdrawal hit much more suddenly than I imagined

the moral is not to be a shambles re: arranging yr appointments, altho shambles is v much my style

I can forget my pill in the morning and be a wreck by evening

I have missed two to three days multiple times before bc of being that kind of shambles

It's usually just brain shivers, takes a few days for actual decompensation to start happening

I feel lost, I feel broken, I feel stupid, I feel worthless and I definitively know I am at very least the third of those things

I'm a chronic letdown to myself and others mostly others because the myself part is I guess a fucking self fulfilling prophecy so you can't really get mad about that idk I don't know how to talk about this stuff I've been out of therapy for a few months and I never should have left but I thought i was on the right track and I could be ok, I'm not ok, I don't feel the need to do anything except go to work and do basic household shit and live vicariously through the fun absurdity of nba basketball and whatever other shit like music or whatever that intermittently staves off these feelings while a significant other who invested emotions and love and time in me is let down because I can't get my shit together

I don't know how this works or how this thread works I don't mean for this to be fishing for sympathy I just needed to vent and I'm drunk and at the moment I'm alone and I really didn't know how else to do so easily and with the comfort of relative anonymity.

Hi.

lay it on us man, s'what the thread is for. hope getting it out helps - have definitely been where you are and it can be hard to pull yrself.

best wishes for ya....sendin good vibes

*pull yrself out

Your feelings are familiar. Before you invest tons of energy in convincing yourself you are stupid and worthless, remember that those are amongst the classik distortions imposed by depression. It sounds like you have some good stuff in your life right now to help keep bad feelings at bay. Even silly things like basketball are worth spending time on if you can muster the energy to enjoy them. It's hard to enjoy things when depressed.

If your SO has been with you during similar depressive episodes, if you've talked with them about depression, if they've experienced it themselves, they probably have some sense of what's happening with you and how it's affecting you. If not, and you feel like you might struggle to communicate why everything sucks and you feel like you're letting them down, the free web game Depression Quest and the Hyperbole and a Half "Depression" comics (would link but on phone) are both effective and moving pictures of depression, imo.

Remember that depression can be a serious and debilitating thing, is worthy of treatment and caring, and help is available. You can start therapy again any time you like, and tak to your doctor about medication even if you aren't sure how you feel about that.

The Internet is full of depressos who are working on recovery, some of us in this very thread. You're in good company. Be gentle with yourself whenever you can.

i <3 every one of your contributions to this thread, silby

I don't feel the need to do anything except go to work and do basic household shit and live vicariously through the fun absurdity of nba basketball and whatever other shit like music or whatever that intermittently staves off these feelings

i feel you on this

i think that's what those things are for. no shame in leaning on them when you need to escape yr head

thanks everyone for the kind words, I woke up unspeakably hung over and thinking id regret posting my word vomit but I feel a bit better for getting it out

I've never been on any usual depression meds; I take adderall for adult ADHD and I definitely need that (it adds to the chances of depression if my body is moving slowly while my mind skitters all over the place, so I never skip it anymore), I don't know how those would balance, but I definitely need to get back to my therapist so I guess I should make that leap and then go from there.

have def heard of the depression quest game, not the comics, will investigate further.

today I have at least a guaranteed distraction in the form of the celtics playoff game this afternoon (probably their last but maybe beat cleveland just once plz)

anyway. writers block has also been a major symptom of this; I managed to get some new pages done yesterday to finish a dangling chapter but they cut a little too close and sort of triggered another nose dive. ultimately I know creation is positive though.

summer is the worst

really? it completely turns me around honestly.

summer used to always be the worst for me, but later on I started to realize it coincided with being out of school and having to work longer hours.

I do get to be a real crank when the weather goes to shit tho, which in FL happens pretty quickly.

sorry you are hitting a shit point mookie
anything you can do besides shake your fist at helios/ra for lording over too muxh of the year??

season changes are really jarring emotionally imo

word. also doesn't help that if often coincides with physical illness

I only feel a little bit depressed right now, but I want to spout off, so I’m going to do it here. I’ve done some of this before on “ask markers,” but I don’t feel good about bumping that thread, so I’m not going to.

I’ve been in a tough spot for years now, and I’ve done a lot over the past year to turn things around. In many ways, I’m way better off than I was before. But I’m still struggling at times. I have bad eating habits, and a lot of them are due to the fact that eating a lot of sugar and carbs makes me feel good. And in moderation I guess that’d be OK, but the sheer amount I’m eating is not. Years ago, my snacking habits were a part of my brand on these boards, but I think looking back I can say that, while I participated in talking about them light-heartedly, they were basically destructive. I am weight more than I should and I have a belly now, and I used to be super skinny. I still am, in a way, minus the belly thing, and my face is a little puffy. I would like to lose that weight, and I’m sure I’ll eventually pull it off, because if one thing can be said for me, I can pull things off. I would have had a lot more trouble even writing this a year ago.

Anyway, today was not the best day. I got down, mostly about social things, I think. I have a lot of sort of friends and acquaintences, but not many people have really talked me through this in a serious, hand-holding, I’ll stick by you sort of way. I want to be clear: I’m not alone, and I have not been alone, but if you had set up a camera on me for the past six years, you’d see that a HUGE portion of that time has been spent as I am spending it right now, sitting in front of a computer, in a room, by myself.

As I said, I’ve done a lot of the work to make things better, and I will continue to do that, and hopefully at some point sooner than later I’ll lose the impulse to occasionally drop by ILX and dump posts like this. But I just want to say that these past few years have been . . . absurd, difficult, and very . . . I want to say lonely, but I don’t know if that’s the right word. I have not gotten the support from my friends that you’d hope to get in a situation like mine, although it’s not like all of them are gone. Some of them have done stuff for me. I just feel like overall they haven’t done enough. But I’m not sitting here assuming they’ll suddenly level up. I’m moving forward step by step, and I think I’ll get there, probably soon. Things are MUCH better than they were, like, two years ago. They will continue to get better. And even typing this made me feel better.

I don’t need responses. I’m not going to come back to this thread to read them. But I do appreciate it if anyone bothered to read this, although I’m also fine if no one does. Earlier today was rough, but now I feel better, actually. Thanks.

<3

hopefully at some point sooner than later I’ll lose the impulse to occasionally drop by ILX and dump posts like this

please don’t see it that way (as 'dumping'). past several years have been rough for me too & reading your post (& posts by other ilxors sharing their experience of depression) means a lot to me

aw markrz i would so kick it with you if i could
getting out of the house is so good; i have been a real innanets junkie lately & for me that is a mental health red flag, like 'call your mom' or 'go try to spot some flowers or animals'

losing weight sucks; the only way to do it is to get off your ass
like that's no guarantee it'll happen but it sure is a factor

Yup

markers i sure hope you do keep occasionally writing a good long braindump every now and then...partly because the more you do it the easier it will be, and i know that sharing is not easy

w/r/t friends...these arent the only friends you will have in life, and maybe what you have been through has changed you to where you you dont have the same needs you had before. you may have outgrown them as much as they have not lived up to their end of the deal. you deserve a good friend/s, and if you keep pushing outwards in the babysteps you have been, you will find them.

it will get easier. <3

markers that reads awfully familiar, but so does "Things are MUCH better than they were"...i guess we never come thru this sht as quickly as we want to, but i'm glad you can see the path ahead cos as long as it's there things will keep getting better i think, a tiny step at a time

peace

and I’m sure I’ll eventually pull it off, because if one thing can be said for me, I can pull things off.

this is inspirational, man, no joke

Depression's not so much getting worse as getting increasingly boring. I'm so sick of this thing hanging round and the prospect of it always being there in some greater or lesser form is frankly exhausting. Also paranoid that, given everyone in my dad's side of the family has it in some form or another, this is a nasty little genetic timebomb waiting to afflict my little 2yo girl--a thought that keeps me awake at night, tbh.