Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

This is . . . how people date in meatspace too? I don't know, I've been married for 23 years, but, I mean . . . how the hell else do you choose potential partners? Myers-Briggs assessments? Bank statements?

― Οὖτις Δαυ & τηε Κνιγητσ (Phil D.), Sunday, December 14, 2014 9:58 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

some of my best friends are people who like very different bands and books than me, and some of my best relationships have been with people whose photos probably wouldn't have inspired me to "swipe right" (in tinder, you ONLY see the photo)

also "meatspace" is a disgusting term

lol otm on all counts

what can be gained from personalities within the first few hours of meeting someone is mostly curated just as many personas are largely performative.

the trick is finding someone who is willing to cut through the artifice of it all; that can happen either online or in person.

people are mostly dull anyway tbh.

i dunno - people have varying levels of realness irl too, and there's no way to determine that unless you talk with the person

like some people are more comfortable being their real selves than others. some people only like other performative people.
you can only tell this by interacting with them irl
although it's pretty easy to tell on ilx too tbh!

i have no idea why i am participating in this discussion at all aside from the fact that it seems like people have a hard time getting to know new people in general, regardless of hookup culture. i've heard more people say they wish there were an ok cupid for friendship and that scares the living daylights out of me tbh. it's challenging to make new friends, but it's def possible. dnw computer assistance.

oh yeah for sure, i was responding more to the hand-wringing idea that artificiality is endemic to "hook-up culture" -- one is just as likely to become demoralized by hanging in bars in order to meet people and becoming frustrated that the connections they make don't last.

the problems with these apps arises when sex/company is viewed as a transactional operation instead of a desire for mutual connection, but types with this tendency can be deflected with conversation. not always of course.

xps

although it's pretty easy to tell on ilx too tbh!

I was gonna bring this up if nobody else did, it's sorta the elephant in the room & obvious counter to "you can't know anything about a person thru online interaction" argument

think the aloofness of ppl is not so much due to or an inherent element of the tendency away from long term relationships but more an emergent property of a culture obsessed with garbage ephemera and surface level conviviality, but i'm enough of a utopian to believe that humans can learn emotional intelligence and arrive at some sort of self-knowledge through the medium of art that exposes them to a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas.

it's not even about sharing tastes in music, literature or whatever but the bare fact that they have engaged with something outside of the usual myopic purview of their immediate surroundings and cultural milieu.

(in tinder, you ONLY see the photo)

This is nae true, laddie. You also see their interests and any mutual FB friends you share.

I always forget which way to swipe

Anyway I know at least three couples who met via online dating incl. one getting married next year. I met my wife the old fashioned way, my friend was dating her friend and I asked for her number.

I mean in that case Tinder, at first, proved useful to me. It's a seemingly easier way to get out of the cultural milieu, the idea was that I don't think people in the art community was a good match for me but it's almost the only type of people I could meet because, well milieux tend to be insular in general.

Can somebody edit the quote in the thread opener? it's a bit embarrassing!

i've heard more people say they wish there were an ok cupid for friendship and that scares the living daylights out of me tbh

i don't get this. computer seems like a fine way to make a friend. a caveat being don't rely on the computer to the point you never leave the house.

It's the profile/advertisement/algorithm part that gives me reservations.

Computers are fine, but computer assistance less so.

I met my wife the old-fashioned way, I hired her to work in my lab. Dating is the worst.

the trick is finding someone who is willing to cut through the artifice of it all; that can happen either online or in person.

― (曇り) (clouds), Sunday, December 14, 2014 6:32 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Ding ding ding! This is so otm my hand hurts ringing the ding bell.

I get where Stevie D is coming from. But there are actually people out there who try internet dating or whatnot whilst feeling the very same. That it is artificial. And those people hope to meet other people who recognize the flaws of the very means they employ. Wether it be okc, tinder, or whatever.

The means don't necessarily change or say something about the people using it. I've met some terrific people through online dating, got all I ever desired and more - and one of the ideas we shared was how shallow it is to use internet dating! I'm not the "I'm from internet dating inc and I'm here to help" advocate, but people who dislike the idea or concept of okc or tinder or what have you, still use it nowadays. And you are bound to find those people if you look for them.

In the end it's not about which website or app you use, but about your intentions, desires, needs; and you will find people who match that. Even if it is through a website or internet culture you deem shallow. Because surprise, loads of people using these places think it is shallow, and want to meet people who think so too.

Tinder where I'm at (Bible Belt) isn't much of a hookup culture - tons of people mentioning how much they love Jesus, pictures of their kids, etc.

how do people go about using tinder for casual sex? i've gone on four or five tinder dates -- mostly at coffee shops -- and they kind of felt like job interviews.

I just dated someone I met on Tinder for a couple months. She's great, we're going to stay friends. I don't know anyone who uses Tinder for casual sex. Tinder dates are just dates.

how do people go about using tinder for casual sex?

tinder won't even run on my phone but I assume

1. want to meet someone for casual sex
2. meet someone off tinder and see you if you want to have casual sex with them
3. ask them to have casual sex

is casual sex when u keep ur adidas stan smiths on lol

flaccid casual

I think it has to do with asking for sex casually rather than submitting a formal request with notarization but idk for sure

dating in a feminist culture is increasingly difficult so these sites should hopefully provide a timely anecdote to the problems of female supremacy

:-/

Don't know if you are being sarcastic but still

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date outside the feminist culture u fool

they sure do produce anecdotes tho

Now adding various caveats to my post upthread about stuff like, if you're new to a city these sites might be useful.

Probably dismissed it too readily

Some of us also probably get a bit high-minded when it comes to 'telling the truth about who we are to others'.

Like does it really matter if I put a very carefully angled and lit picture of me on there, and if I cobble together my various damp squib career attempts and say I work in the creative industry?

The idea of doing that knocks me sick, but then I guess the reader might in fact expect me to be doing that kind of 'polishing' on my profile, and so it wouldn't actually be a deception?

Actually not so much that it knocks me sick, more like a wave of what's-the-point weariness coming over me at the thought of yet another ruse

clouds gloriously otm itt

tinder seems ok, w/e. for all its flaws okcupid seems the best way for me (altho hopefully I won't have to use it again). just a matter of finding people who don't use it so reductively. they're still people, not internet ciphers. sometimes people you'd fall madly in love with regardless of how you met them

my only contribution to this thread is that I get that Pitbull/Ke$ha song stuck in my head whenever someone mentions Tinder

now, hopefully, you do too

yet another ruse
all dating

(placeholder for when I feel like contributing to thread)

why? it's not like you can edit posts...

sigh

this is how two people can really hit it off online fwiw

clouds otm

unconvinced that any mode of meeting people is inherently more ~real than any other, real is what u make of it

I've interacted w/women on tinder, including meeting one (happened to be at the same place at the same time) but no hook-up materialized. Most others I've talked to are, in fact, using it as a dating community much like okcupid or other sites.

I saw some college kids online trying to figure out what grindr is and one was like "it's like tinder only gay" which is completely backward and wrong, afaict.

I don't think there's any wrong way to find other people attractive, but the physical attraction/emotional connection/lifestyle compatibility ratio is definitely balanced differently depending on how you meet and interact. If I meet someone in person and there's a mutual physical attraction, I'm more likely to overlook other differences. Maybe that's wrong, but judging from past experience, idk, seems fine

i almost feel like an asshole saying this but isn't the primary concern for initial meet, in fact, physical attractiveness?
obviously, long-term, you want someone who is compatible with your life, personality, soul, what-have-you. but let's be honest, most people won't give others a chance if they don't meet a baseline standard of desirable looks.
honest question - i have no experience with this stuff

there's a pretty large range of physical attractiveness, from "kind of attracted" to "I am so attracted I can't use words properly," with the former worth looking into if you get along well, and the latter possibly being so intense that you overlook entire realms of compatibility problems in the short term

if you find someone flat-out unattractive then, sure, that's a non-starter

also, if it's a hook-up as the latter part of the thread title implies, the meet-up is mostly to ensure the person is true to their photographic representation, and also use instinct to see if they seem like a serial killer

i met the woman i'll likely marry on tinder when i had no bio and did not give a shit about meeting anyone. anything can happen

as much as I dumped on it I did meet my current (and I’d wager lifelong) partner on there three years ago

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/katienotopoulos/caleb-from-west-elm-meme

team west elm caleb tbh

okay I have a question - if two people go on a date and neither one texts afterwards, that's not ghosting, right? ghosting is when one person texts and the other person just never replies? asking for me.

in a mutual ghosting the date never happened and is elevated to the status of hermetic mystery

if you had no prior relationship and no specific plan for post-date texting was agreed upon before the date ended, then it feels like good etiquette doesn't require you to text, only to respond. but that is from an old guy who has never used dating apps, so take it fwiw

The Buzzfeed comments are something…

i would say that if no one responds that's more of a wight than a ghost

and if they are made of rotting flesh it's more of a ghoul situation

Glad they nailed this one-of-a-kind monster.

got his ass

hell have a book deal soon I’m sure

The plan? create a Hinge profile that specficially targets women who make viral TikTok's about dating in order to increase West Elm furniture sales pic.twitter.com/L1GjxTIyul

— Jason (@jasonosia) January 22, 2022

Couldn't find the original version of this story, it seems it's been deleted:

oh no pic.twitter.com/9Vl3UrImvQ

— leon (@leyawn) January 21, 2022

I have to admit that inspired me to try Hinge, not for the sordid reasons you might assume, but for much more noble reasons having nothing to do with goblin fetishes etc.

Hinge claims to use some expert "compatibility" algorithm based on myriad complex factors. But based on the experience on setting up a basic profile there it seems like this "compatibility" essentially boils down to: sexual orientation, age, race, education, and political alignment.

Is this really what true compatibility boils down to? I always assumed it had to do with demeanor and similar sex drives but my track record doesn't really speak highly of my understanding of romantic relationships.

There was an app supposedly based around your mutual distastes and I thought that would be cool - eliminate Republicans and Harry Potter stans right off the bat. Then it was asking questions about coffee in the morning and how soft towels should be.

lol at leyawn

Feel like “ghosting” is frequently misused. Like if you go out on a date and aren’t feeling it and there were no plans made to get together in the future, not texting them ever again (if they don’t themselves reach out to you, maybe coyly expecting you to make the first move) is hardly “ghosting”. If they text you and you refuse to answer and at least let them know you aren’t interested in going further, sure, that’s valid. But the former gets lumped in sometimes. I’ve done it and have been on the receiving end, doesn’t strike me as a dick move. Don’t think anyone really wants to give or receive an awkward explanation of how they’re “not feeling it”. Message received, we barely know each other and don’t really owe each other anything.

i didn't hate dating in the pre-tinder era but i feel i would hate it if i had to start again now

It’s not great, but it’s made things a lot easier in certain respects. Like crawling bars looking for someone is a sad endeavor. And it’s rare I get the “oh, I know someone single and I think you guys would get along” matchmaking from friends anymore. I’m mid 30’s, everyone’s already kinda shacked up.

Also women are generally bombarded by dudes on these sites. Looks overwhelming to deal with. Can be hard to cut through that noise on both sides.

i've got this great picture with a tiger though

"Also women are generally bombarded by dudes on these sites. Looks overwhelming to deal with."

For real. I was comparing notes with a friend who has Tinder Gold and has just about given up on the Sisyphean task of weeding through the 3k+ likes she has. Meanwhile I've received like 7. That's why I don't mind using the super likes. At least it lets women know, "Hi, I'm interested in you specifically"

maybe this is the year I actually do this ... idk ... i kinda was ok with the old school bars and parties model (not like, ok, as in wildly successful, just like, comfortable) ... i know there are people older than me on these things, but, the one time I made a profile and then inactivated it a few hours later, I got "matched" with 4 dudes I knew, one I think I had a friend date with years ago and the chemistry was not there, two dudes I would never be interested in, and the creepy coke-addict ex-bf of a former bandmate ...

Sarah, I mean no disrespect when I say this, but based on your account of setting up the app and deleting it a few hours later, you are at high risk of making yourself miserable. I speak from experience here: all of my experiences with dating apps have been miserable up until the past 2 or 3 months.

What changed was that I started to think of myself like one of those dudes you see fishing at the seashore with a dozen poles standing up in the sand. Cast your line, then forget about it and move on to the next one, because there is nothing you can do now to make the fish come sooner. Recognize that there is a good chance the person you're angling for doesn't even have the app installed on their phone anymore. (If you're using one of the apps that tells you "so&so has been active today," pay attention to it! Those people may be worth spending a little more energy on reading their profile and crafting a personalized intro.) Work in short bursts, sending intros to a few people who seem interesting, and when you feel your standards start to lower as you try to force something to happen -- it's time to log off for the day! Turn off the app notifications, go read a book, crack a beer (N/A for me), come back later in the week and see if you've caught anything. And never ever ever worry about how long it takes someone to reply, because every halfway datable person on these apps will occasionally forget to check them for a few days.

The part after you match is a little harder to give advice about. How long to talk before planning to meet, what red flags you want to look for before agreeing to a date, at what point you decide that they're wasting your time or catfishing you -- these are personal judgments you have to make for yourself. Fortunately, they get easier with practice. You *will* have a few bad experiences; don't feel too bad, because everybody does.

I hope this advice is at all useful to you. Happy hunting!

Sincerely,
A man who has used dating apps to meet women

idk, people feel things differently but when on a date do you have a moment when you share a look or conversational moment when you're emotionally charged? shared eye contact that you both take a second to break because you're mutually enjoying it, pausing because you're a little shocked by how something your date said just clicks with your personality? the thing is, those things are what you hope for on a date, but they can be completely serendipitous and shared by people who are not currently sizing each other up. I think experiencing those is what turns some people off of online or arranged dates -- they seem natural and not part of a selection process, even if it's with someone who might not have made the cut if you'd sized each other up online

― mh, Sunday, August 7, 2016 8:20 PM (six years ago)

Not having a great couple of months, and I keep thinking about this, though the first half tells me "hang on, just keep at it, the moment will arrive" while the second half tells me "delete, then have much more romantic presence of mind throughout the day, so you can recognize and honor those moments outside of formal date scenarios."