Depression and what it's really like

IT IS NOT TRUE

the feeling is still real and horrible and hard to wrassle

i don't even know if actual caring about other people is a self-deluding freak of genes and self-deception but i'm going to try to live like it's not and matt you're an A1 human being in as much as i'm qualified to award marks, fuck isolation and those inner voices that lie lie lie

x x x

Im doing something challenging, empowering and lifechanging.

Or at least it might be if I could do it. Spending 90% of every day in complete frustration is difficult, but the minute I let go of this rope my reserves of energy and hope will have been used up, and one day that day will come

I've gone into seclusion in the countryside to do this, but being here in silence I have to wonder if I really have the energy or interest to go back into the world anyway

For some reason, seeing Rankin-Bass on TV gives me a nasty case of holiday depression.

Maybe because of all of the family and friends I have lost over the years.

Also this is my first Christmas without my grandmother, and even though she was 98, I am still having a hard time getting through it.

why is this so hard

I don't know. Knowing seems like it would help, at least a little.

thanks crabbits and nv. you guys are great.

i don't know either. the holidays are bad imo, i'm laying some blame on that at least.

burn the world
i mean the yule log
holidays are the pits
any chance I can buy you a drink in slc on the 20th or the 30th?

getting really shit face fucked up and passing out in a snow heap sounds so romantical but is a legit bad idea
we could get maybe 30% there tho

sadfap

can only end in tears

legit 4ad album tho

My job's annual holiday party this evening. Did pretty well at it mentally, much better than last year, until about 3 hours in when I suddenly got SUPER maudlin and self pitying inside (all my coworkers 20 years younger than me dancing and just being YOUNG, something I will never be again, blah blah blah, call me Kronos.) Music (hearing it and creating it) is about the only thing that has given me any flashes of well being for months. The abysmal life circumstances of the past ~20 months have mostly abated thank god (except for the money ones) but I feel weirdly hollowed out now. Spread too thin, as bilbo put it when he was being eaten from inside by something he didn't understand.

:D

it's taken me this long to just resign myself to the fact that my mood/outlook undulates wildly and erratically and there's no way to predict it, or to change it much once a mood has set in. philosophies and systems of belief and practices and tricks can elevate the mean comfort level somewhat, but in the end I am more or less powerless over the ebb and tide of my moods. there's a certain relief in giving up trying to "fix" this condition tbh.

not sure if i'm this depressed all the time because it's winter (i guess this is an option/my therapist wants me to get a light box prescription and i wish i wasn't putting hope in it) or because my meds have been fluctuating

i've rarely been this useless and hopeless in my life all i can do is lie in bed and watch wrestling. no desire to do anything. if i didn't have wrestling i don't know what i'd do.

it's not that i wish i was dead as much as i wish i never existed. my failure to accomplish anything significant with my life and my subsequent fear of an awkward funeral where no one knows quite what to say has probably kept me alive more than anything else. i should be terrified of ever being proud of my achievements.

my therapist wants me to get a light box prescription

ooh, i need to check and see whether my insurer covers stuff like this. i really doubt it.

seriously hard to wake up lately, and oversleeping makes me a dumb zombie the rest of the day

oversleep with pride, I say; the waking world's not worth it

i have a job!

same diff

My problem, I suspected, was not sleeping enough.

I finally found a doctor who prescribed meds that help me sleep at night, and for the first time in my life, I fall right to sleep and don't wake up until about 6:30 AM.

That must have been my problem because ever since I got my prescription changed, I've been feeling more positive and energetic. Although the meds are a bit extreme, and most depressed people don't get prescribed them.

Although, as I said, I find the holidays sad, and the lack of light in winter gets to me sometimes.

Terrible weekend. Tired of being me with my bullshit thoughts and reactions. Unhappy at home, unhappy at work. Guh.

the holidays are horrible ... even though I can vividly imagine the horrible secret emotional pain of everyone on facebook who posts pictures of them with their happy spouses and/or smiling children. In my imagination some of them have really heartbreaking physical ailments that should snap me out of feeling shitty and worthless and into some "grateful for god giving me my health" stuff.

Does anyone else get the internal monologue that goes, "Hey, remember that thing you were really depressed about two weeks ago? That was silly to be depressed about. Here is something more devastating to be depressed about."

feel as depressed as ive felt in a long time, feel it physically, tho not sure to what extent that parts not just exhaustion from compulsive working out

Does anyone else get the internal monologue that goes, "Hey, remember that thing you were really depressed about two weeks ago? That was silly to be depressed about. Here is something more devastating to be depressed about."

― Mistah FAAB (sarahell), Monday, December 22, 2014

yes. think this is a very natural reaction, but it can just constantly deepen the depression.

working out can raise a lot of dust in the mood dept for me. take care of yourself. xp

i actively cut off all communication with my family last x-mas and did the same this november. it feels kinda weird, like i'm not attached to anything, it's liberating but a little lonely i guess. i'm housesitting for a friend over the holiday too, so i'm going to be alone in not-my-place. with a cat though, and a full kitchen, a soft mattress and quiet. and it's clean and uncluttered, everything has a place and takes up a reasonable amount of space. i'm trying not to be critical of my boyfriend, who gets down over the holidays too and sort of falls apart. he buys books for himself at thrift stores as a coping mechanism. the 7-8 bookshelves he has are overstuffed and there are stacks of books and records and papers and etc etc all around the perimeter on the floor. he does not do regular househould chore stuff very well though he was critical of my sloppy/slobbiness when i was living there. he starts something and everything is in disarray and it all piles up and it can take months or years or never for it to be resolved. he is so dreamy about his space he ignores the finitude of it, he doesn't get rid of anything, everything just gets shuffled around, and he'll say "i should weed through" but he never does. i have to struggle not to be disappointed or feel it as a threat or a downward-dragging feeling or a disconnection from reality. it feels increasingly hopeless. but this is the depression thread not the relationship problems thread.

i'm going to be alone in not-my-place

beautiful imo

hi d! thanks :)

and i just talked to the boyfriend and he's up and at the grocery store, which is heartening.

not-my-place! srsly gonna have to fight hard not to shout that at not-my-places in future

wishes to all. family and centredness and group culture events and enforced chocolate is a minefield and at least at funerals you're encouraged to be a mess, Xmas is out on its own ito expecting hearty thanks for the ordeal.

the most masochistic of holidays

working out can raise a lot of dust in the mood dept for me. take care of yourself. xp

― languagelessness (mattresslessness), Monday, December 22, 2014 3:29 PM (15 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

thanks, yeah generally i feel like exercise (along with meditation) is the best antidote to depression but can also i guess become part of some compulsive drive for relief

otm

if there was an emoji for me making u cups of tea* it would be here ( )
*or coffee or bev of yr choice

be kind to yrselves

Xp

Exercise (esp in the form of activities I really really like (personally not a big fan of "machines")) is such a difference-maker for me that at one point my shrink flat-out said "consider it doctor's orders: you need to work out, minimum three times a week. If I could write a script for it I would".

I don't think this applies to everybody, btw. I have several close friends who do nothing more strenuous than walk to the train each day, and they feel fine. Then again they're not prone to the big bad D to begin with. But with me, if I go more than a week without working up a sweat, I start to feel like my body is wasting away and my mind becoming lethargic and weak.., And not much good comes of that...

Exercise is not an absolute antidote, by any stretch, but it's never a bad thing to do, and it's often enough one of the very best.

my gym membership has gone totally unutilized for…several months, and I'm just being avoidant about it now I guess

ditto

I've started writing again, but it took a long period of not-writing + reading a lot of Georges Perec & Robbe-Grillet, studying their writing, getting into descriptive prose as a sort of tricky puzzle... idk, I guess everything moves in cycles (introversion/extroversion, feeling up/feeling down, moving forward/moving back)

The way I've experienced depression is like one of those scenes out of science fiction that fasts forwards to the end of the lifespan of planet Earth when the sun has expanded, all life is extinguished, and the planet is a barren wasteland... there's no hope for survival because that's it, this planet is done for. All the hopes and dreams of humanity are stripped naked and shown for what they really are, pathetic, simple-minded lies we cling to for comfort; the grandeur, myths, heroes, loves, and tales of humanity marched out like a fraud before the knowing eyes of the universe. Which I guess is actually the truth in some sense.

Anyway, I'm feeling better now after working my ass off reading cognitive therapy books. This stuff is gold if you really spend time on it, and it's not easy at first whatsoever, but it's good stuff if you give it a serious shot. It takes you places you never thought were possible, but requires a lot out of you ... which is necessary if you actually want to overcome this bullshit. You use informal logic, empirical inquiry, probability, and cost/benefit analysis to reorient the way you think about things; for me at least, it's working, but it can be a pain in the ass. I like to think about it like one of the hardest classes I've taken in school mixed with one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Here's my favorite book on it right now:

Overcoming the Myth of Self-Worth

fix yr link, i'm curious

try this

Let's see if this works: Overcoming the Myth of Self-Worth

Argh am having one of those fits of painful self-consciousness where I'm at a party and just want to escape (I have, sort of, to a playroom built out of attic space).

I almost always do fine in small gatherings, get togethers with small groups of friends... In fact I've been referred to a few times as "the life of the party". But put me in a loud room with tons of people and Im likely to start freaking out.

Sometimes I'm also just plain fucking tired and want to be left alone.

I was hoping to catch up on the latest posts on this thread -- I see there's some longish ones-- but I don't have my glasses on me so can't read jack. For all I know I've typed out out this post in numerals.

Just blabbing. Bear with me.

It's okay. I feel you. I have finally trained myself to decline loud/drinking parties, b/c my shy attempts at enjoying them never really worked out. At best I made myself scarce and then left early, at worst I had panic attacks.

Then an old friend of mine calls me. She moved to another city years ago. I'm overwhelmed when she tells me that she's depressed and doesn't like the way her life turned out because I know that, objectively, her circumstances are much tougher than mine. .. She's up against traumatic childhood memories, racism, and raising a child by herself , among other things. She's one of the most beautiful, alive, funny, cool persons I've ever known, but it's as though only other people get to reap the benefits of that radiance... The energy just goes outward, leaving her cold, scared, and suicidal.

It breaks my heart.

Thx silby (i think I can make out that part of your sig).

It's hard. Sometimes forcing myself to go out when not in the mood has paid off. I've struck out twice in the past week, alas.

Ok well,,, once more into the breach.., this ...and a few deep breaths ... Has helped a bit... thx ILX

On the subject of self-help books I can strongly recommend Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1420882333&sr=1-1&keywords=reinventing+your+life (try not to judge it by the awful cover)

It's about how your childhood affected who you are as an adult and what you can do to change it. People often get stuck into patterns of self-defeating behaviour and thinking and it can be so hard to break these. For example, when I feel depressed I often avoid other people, which isn't helpful at all because being isolated makes me depressed, and so the cycle continues.

This sort of behaviour and thinking doesn't just come from nowhere - it's picked up fairly early in life. If you look at how someone behaves as an adult when they're upset or stressed then chances are they were behaving in a similar way when they were ten years old.

It's fairly emotionally intense (dealing with bad childhood experiences always is) but it is a fantastic book for developing insight into how you came to be the way you are and what you can do to change