Marilyn Haggerty's amazing Olive Garden review and the subsequent viral shitstorm

"Denny's"

"feedlot"

I don't like how clicking on Haggerty's name means A BILLBOARD SIZED PHOTO pops up. I know she's the most famous Grand Forks resident but

Does the Montreal IHOP go through this too?

'''French Toast'? C’est un aliment toxique!"

The host sits at the head of the table along with any guest of honor. You don’t wear hats at a dinner table. Food is served from the right. Plates are cleared from the left.

Your napkin goes first on your lap, and it’s recommended you fold it away from you so that you can wipe your fingers surreptitiously, if necessary.

Basic manners for dining are good all year round. They are especially timely for review right before Thanksgiving.

That’s why I asked to join in a session on etiquette and networking at UND. It was offered by UND Career Services. Ilene Odegard, the director, said manners are still relevant. They make a statement as a foundation for good relationships. And they are a mark of a professional.

The advice for etiquette and networking is timely at Thanksgiving. The etiquette books say it is courteous for guests to offer help. Then back off if help is not needed. It shows good manners to bring a small gift — maybe something that can be shared by the other guests, perhaps a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Spending too much is ostentatious.

Lingering after dinner should not be too long. One suggestion is to make your departure about five minutes before you think you should.

God I wish I lived in North Dakota sometimes.

wow, I didn't know anything about this. Kevin and I are old friends; he's from Delaware.

I'm not going to read this thread (which got HUGE, wow) or weigh in on its subject for a variety of reasons. But I will say that I've been in these situations as a reporter at a weekly community newspaper where a) you write about stuff that is hyper-local and no-one outside of the coverage area will care about, or b) you approach hyper-local stuff with an outsider bias and get stung by the community for it. It's...an experience, that second instance, and an educational one.

I don't miss being a professional journalist, but on a lot of levels the year I spend as a general assignment reporter for a 30K-serving weekly opened my eyes to a lot.

this is the first time I felt the lulling quality of the prose:

There's a station where fries and burgers beckon. And there is a display of foods being offered to help customers make decisions. Food from the full dinner center is far more appealing when you see a plate with meatloaf, mashed potatoes and vegetables.

As the old saying goes, we eat with our eyes.

The five centers in the cafe are the deli, grill, marketplace, pizza and salad.

For me, it was far more inviting to pick and choose from the vast array of greens, fruits and vegetables for a salad. And when I got up to the cash register, my salad was weighed to determine the cost. With the cup of broccoli-wild rice soup and the salad, my lunch came to $4.57. There, I had a brief visit with Loretta Boehm, long-time cashier who knows most everybody in North Dakota.

The dining area is vast. And that is reassuring for people who come to the capitol in large groups.

Gone are the distinctive banners of rainbow colors that used to hang from the ceiling and high above the tables. Now the dining room is done in light tones of brown. The vast room is sectioned off with choices of seating at high tables, in booths or around tables.

While there is much to like about the Capitol Cafe, there are things that make you wonder. Some regulars at the cafe cannot understand why everything is plastic. Everything is thrown away in this beautiful cafeteria facility.

Of course, one would expect there are costs involved.

With its new decor, people who eat in the cafe carry their used plates to an exit where they dump them and all the plastic knives, forks and spoons as they depart.

I always misread his as Merle Haggard's amazing Olive Garden Revieq

Merle Haggard's Olive Garden reviews were serviceable but not quite as evocative, imo.

The Dinin' Side Of Me: The Collected Reviews

"Buffalo wings shinin' in the sunlight..."

"I'm proud to get some jelly from the deli."

I'm a breadstick man long as they're not cold.

Late period Hagerty reviews, unlike her more famous Olive Garden work, are tinged with a creeping awareness of mortality.

Sounds like every visit to Olive Garden I've ever taken.

You can have all the soup you can slurp, but you're still going to die one day.

Her review of Chuck's Yum Yum Hut was a splendid return to form, easily her best since Scary Monsters.

The breadsticks are unlimited, but your time is not.

That's why in here, you're like family. The people who will pay for your burial.

The breadsticks keep coming long after you have expired, like a corpse's hair.

North Dakota critic Marilyn Hagerty takes a tour of four of her town's fast food establishments and her granddaughters tag along. Her verdict on Taco Bell's chicken quesadilla and Baha Blast soda? "The taste was there. The food was good."

http://www.eater.com/2014/8/7/6174621/marilyn-hagerty-wire

oh man:

My idea of a very nice dinner is a petite filet done about medium with rosemary red potatoes. You mix in the company of friends and a glass of wine on a cold winter evening.

And it is memorable.

the grand forks herald is actually paywalling this? wtf

My trail through the McDonald's restaurants took me to East Grand Forks, where I ordered a medium-sized low-fat latte. I got quick service and paid $3.18. I collect the little cards that come on the lattes in order to get a free one after the fifth purchase.

The lattes cost less than those I enjoy at Starbucks. But they are worthy. The only problem is occasionally, one of the restaurants will tell you their machine is not working.

"Not working?'' I think. I almost foam at the mouth in disgust, but I try to be pleasant

only a broken mcdonald's latte machine can throw marilyn off-kilter

hence her nickname "The Appetite"

I almost foam at the mouth Getting closer to being her own latte machine, while thus triggering associations with Pynchonian themes (see esp. V and the author's introduction to Slow Learner). Some Pynchonians think she is TP, of course.

I almost foam at the mouth in disgust, but I try to be pleasant

#OnlyMidwesternThings

How has the Onion or Clickhole not launched a column along these lines

b/c the Appetite will mock them.t

the grand forks herald is actually paywalling this? wtf

grand forks herald otm

you can read most of her stuff.

such as:

There comes a time in January when a person just wants something basic to eat. I was craving meat and vegetables when I went to the Blue Moose at the beginning of the year.The steak was good. The broccoli was nice. The onion rings were great.

I was doing lunch with friend Sue Huus (SH), who ordered a Chipotle Pork Sandwich ($10). It comes on a grilled hoagie, topped with pepper jack cheese. And it met with approval, although it did not make SH "squeal with delight" as the menu promises.

Which brings me to the menu at the Blue Moose. It's designed like a newspaper. It's clever and easy to understand, although some of the copies reach the point where they could be replaced with fresh, unwrinkled copies.

McDonald's milkshake machines always seemed to be broken back when I ate there regularly. It seemed like it was maybe every fourth visit. Not surprised they have some other machine that breaks down all the time.

Sometimes I break down and eat at McDonalds.

she visited four in Grand Forks.

ty for the extracts, alfred; i remember feeling out of touch when this was happening but i can really feel what everybody was getting from her prose. i hate the comma here but feel like it's doing something profound:

The lattes cost less than those I enjoy at Starbucks. But they are worthy. The only problem is occasionally, one of the restaurants will tell you their machine is not working.

implicit critique of the whole capitalist Big Coffee system

Some people go to the Broken Drum Bar and Grill on North Washington Street to drink. I go there to eat. I went there recently at the recommendation of friends who have "discovered" this unlikely setting for lunch or an evening meal.

Beef tips on toast are served with garlic mashed potatoes and a warm dinner roll. The tips are tender, lean and adorned with onion and green and red pepper. The serving is enormous, and even with my healthy appetite, I could eat only half.

Service is good. I placed my order for eggs, bacon and toast at 12:05 p.m. a week ago Sunday. My coffee came quickly. My two eggs over medium and bacon with plain toast came at 12:25 p.m., during the rush time.

As I waited, I noticed one server with a tray held up to her shoulder by one hand and pouring water with her other hand into a glass on the tray.

This, I thought, is sheer skill. When I asked her how she could do it, she said she just figured it out. Her employer, Norm Braaten, said that is part of the reason Nichelle Larson is an assistant manager in the cafe. She figures things out.

<3

This, I thought, is sheer skill.

I was craving meat and vegetables when I went to the Blue Moose at the beginning of the year.The steak was good. The broccoli was nice. The onion rings were great.

the idea that hagerty is some kind of prose genius with a tamped-down, everything-is-subtext style is so condescending. i like the cadences of her writing, which speaks to her training as a reporter. she's a good local reporter, and i like some of her observations of other humans. but her job is to write about food -- and she uses the blandest, least descriptive adjectives available. (the only thing worthy in that passage--potentially--is "the broccoli was nice," which sounds like a criticism to me.)

she reminds me sissy spacek's line in "badlands": "this place is nice. the flowers make it nice."

lolol

"Some people go to the Broken Drum Bar and Grill on North Washington Street to drink. I go there to eat."

This is now the opening of my novel....

the idea that hagerty is some kind of prose genius with a tamped-down, everything-is-subtext style is so condescending.

I revived the thread because eating at a tapas place on Sunday night I tried the mussels and thought, "OK, these are nice" and immediately thought of Hagerty.

She isn't a master but I enjoy anticipating what tricks she'll use to avoid discussing the mediocre food. I mean, "As I waited, I noticed one server with a tray held up to her shoulder by one hand and pouring water with her other hand into a glass on the tray"? She's used 50 words of her count.