Kids say the darndest things

<3

Awwwww!

one of eli's pals at school is named Paddington http://www.statichukd.com/images/threads/2002716_1.jpg

oh dear

why would someone do that to their child :(

Evie's Pro-tips <3

Keren announced at the dinner table last night: "This is my friend Ahmed. He lives in a big city called Cairo."

Veronica: Knock knock!
Me: Who's there?
Veronica: Closet!
Me: Closet who?
Veronica: Closet went to Boston! *maniacal laugh*
Me: ...

(she is trying desperately to develop some comedy chops)

getting the hang of knock knock jokes is like a turing test or something i think

You saying shakeys kid still might be a robot?

also there was quite a long explanation that accompanied that joke but I can't recall all of it, but it did end with "and that's why Boston is the punchline!" How puns work continues to elude her...

K has sort of picked up on the "funny because it's not true" version of humor, like saying "Cookie Monster eats broccoli...no!"

I was so proud the other night of my comedy chops. Beeps had been putting on a show with her stuffed nocturnal bird animal, and when she got up, she stepped on something and went ow!

We looked at her foot and she was ok. As she climbed up to her bunk bed, I said, that'd be a funny cartoon you could draw - two characters walking the woods when one of them steps on something and says ow!. And then have an owl say from a branch, Yes?

She gave me the exact same reaction as Arthur does to the line: "Then I won't be needing my jacket?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QLSRMoKKS0

Thank you, Beeps.

LOL

Highlights from the last week:

(Eavesdropping on argument)
A: You're not the queen of this house!
L: But I am the queen of bunnies. And they came first.
A: No they did not! Insects came first!
L: Bunnies created the insects. And water and sand and lemonade and lampposts.

(Part of her overarching theory that once the meteor did for the dinosaurs, the bunnies came out of their impact-resistant warrens and basically kickstarted human civilisation. She is a human-bunny hybrid, one of only two left. The other is a 110yo man in Florida).

Me: Who was the first woman in space?
A: Vanessa Blackwell!
Me: Valentina Tereshkova.
A: I knew I was close.

(Lulu in her skeleton PJs)
L: Look at my pelvis.
A: Like Elvis the Pelvis. Daddy, why did they call him that?
L: Because he hid his pelvis in his massive hair.

(On coming downstairs during a BBC4 showing of Duncan Jones's MOON; I felt obliged to explain the plot as I wasn't going to let them stay up and watch it... **SPOILERS**)
A: If I'd written this film he'd have woken all the clones up and just had a big party. The end.

Because he hid his pelvis in his massive hair.

(Part of her overarching theory that once the meteor did for the dinosaurs, the bunnies came out of their impact-resistant warrens and basically kickstarted human civilisation. She is a human-bunny hybrid, one of only two left. The other is a 110yo man in Florida).

This kid is amazing.

water and sand and lemonade and lampposts

this is v poetic

Bunnies created the insects. And water and sand and lemonade and lampposts.

would subscribe to her newsletter

My son, who is in first grade and starting to read, reads my t-shirt:

him: "Pixies", what's that?
me: They're a band, one of my favorite bands actually
him: *points to his shirt* My favorite band is GAP

Ha.

Gap Band is great, good taste.

Henry: "If you stand on top of the Christmas Tree star, you won't be able to see the presents."

Literally turned my head around at the red light to look at him in the backseat and ask, "Who are you?"

lol

For homework, Lulu did an acrostic:

Vicious mountains erupt wildly
Opened top explodes with lava
Lava catches trees on fire!
Can you run fast enough?
Animals must be scared!
Nearly everyone is panicking
Only scientists are calm

But the original "C" line - which made her laugh herself helpless - was going to be "Can I have a milkshake? I'm boiling!"

nice!

Ella's started summarising her picture books and "reading" them to us from memory.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/91QCIc2FCuL.jpg
Sven's Bridge has become:

"Sven! Naughty King! BOOM! King no pants!"

lool

"Daddy, look, a fire!"
"No, that's just smoke from a chimney, I think."
"Or it's from a factory. Some cities have factories. Like the Cheesecake Factory."

"Sven! Naughty King! BOOM! King no pants!"

omg

also lol at the cheesecake factory

bf: cmon Dex you gotta get ready for your party, they're picking you up soon!
Dex: I gotta go get HANDSOME! *runs off to his room*

Before I caught her, wandering around to the neighboring parents at her older brother's school orchestra concert:

*blows raspberry*
I farted!
*blows raspberry*
I farted!
*maniacal laughter*
etc.

that sounds like me!

dex otm.

For homework, Lulu did an acrostic:

Vicious mountains erupt wildly
Opened top explodes with lava
Lava catches trees on fire!
Can you run fast enough?
Animals must be scared!
Nearly everyone is panicking
Only scientists are calm

But the original "C" line - which made her laugh herself helpless - was going to be "Can I have a milkshake? I'm boiling!"

This is just amazing

Little kids are nature's born surrealists. Ella, now 22 months, seems to have invented an imaginary friend of sorts: a sometimes blue, sometimes brown walrus called "Meat" who lives on her shoulder. When asked why we can't see him, she explains he's hiding in her armpit. Apparently she met him "far away" and then he moved into our shower.

That's great.

Meat! Haha oh man

That is amazing and I'm smiling so big reading that.

While playing campout.

HL: Are you afraid of the dark?
A: No. I HUNT night reindeer in the dark.
HL: Oh yeah? How do you hunt night reindeer? With a gun or a bow-and-arrow?
A: With a bone arrow. You take em back to the camp, throw em on the fire, mush em up into a blanklet, then you chop the head off so you don't have a head on your blanklet.

O_o

I don't hold my sarcastic sense of humor a virtue, pretty much agreeing that it's the lowest form of humor. But that said, I work with what I've got.

What I wasn't expecting was not only Beeps picking up sarcasm, but also applying the bitter oil and vitriol needed on her own to make her caustic observations so effective. (Remember, she's 7.)

Case in point: we drove past an adult novelties shop recently, its name on the outside only ADULT STORE. italics won't do this justice, but from the backseat, we hear:

"Ohhh. I'd bet that store is the best."

Sorry, world. And I mean that with sincerity.

Ha ha.

Sorry, this isn't the photo thread, but I think this sums up Ava's attitude to her sister much of the time...

https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7510/16154006306_b54f7c8543_c.jpg

We then asked her what items she thought were being sold inside hat adult store, and she replied, "I dunno, shaving things?"

Oh, the stifling.

lool

""Knock knock who's there!!"

"Uh, who's there?"

"Poop"

"Poop who?"

"Hahahahahahaha"

comedy gold imo

Nice one! Yesterday, my kid was sitting on the toilet and renamed her feet "poop" and "pee" and had a little puppet show with them.

Hey, poop.
What is it, pee?
Oh sorry. Poop, what is that sticker on your toenail?
It's a star.
It is a Monster High star and I have one too!
etc.

My parents have provided third party confirmation that Ivy has uttered her first word beyond "Mama" and "Dada" and it is...

CAT!!!

I am so freaking proud!