Kids say the darndest things

omg omg omg

the best

This weekend we stopped in Hastings-on-Hudson, which is one of those *charming towns* in the Hudson Valley north of NYC. We sat down for brunch at a yuppie farm-to-table restaurant and Keren exclaimed "This is the Berkshires!"

We're sitting at Ella's drawing table, which is by the front windows, and an extremely loud, rumbling-engined motorbike roars past.

Ella says, "Fart! Fart!"

Beeps comes running from the far end of the playground, leaps off the step onto the ground by the bench I'm sitting on. "Look at me, Daddy!" "I see you!"

Hank tries the same thing, but stumbles before he reaches the step, sorta veers off to the side into a fall– enough where I put my hands up to catch him and go WHOA – somehow regains his footing through some unintentional parkour and stops.

Without making eye-contact, he shuffles past me and mumbles "What did you think of my trick, Dad?"

*pointing to easel* "Mommy did painting of teacher susan. She's a good guy."

About gumballs again:

HENRY: I like Blueberry. Orange hurt me.

PP: It was a little strong, huh?

HENRY: Orange beat me up in my mouth!

We went to see "The Box Trolls" and there was a preview for the Paddington Bear movie before. There's a scene where Paddington is in the bathroom and he picks up two toothbrushes and sticks them in his ears, pulls them out with a bunch of brown goop on them, then looks around and tastes the goop. Now Evie keeps walking around looking mad saying "ARGH. Stop thinking about the bear and the toothbrushes. I don't want to think about the bear anymore! Stop it, brain!"

I know how she feels.

God me too.

HENRY: Orange beat me up in my mouth!

I'm right there with ya, Hank.

There's a scene where Paddington is in the bathroom and he picks up two toothbrushes and sticks them in his ears, pulls them out with a bunch of brown goop on them, then looks around and tastes the goop

WHY IS THIS A SCENE IN THE FILM WAT. D:

iirc he also ends up sticking his head in a toilet for some reason

Guys, I don't want to think about the bear anymore.

This morning I was cleaning out our fridge and threw away some really old disgusting broccoli, which I then kept talking about because it was so gross, and I was jokingly saying "I don't want to think about the broccoli any more! Stop it brain!" and Evie was very seriously like "Dad, you're going to think about the broccoli for a few days. But then you won't think about it any more. Because I couldn't stop thinking about the bear, but now I don't think about it any more."

Cute.

<3

Awwwww!

one of eli's pals at school is named Paddington http://www.statichukd.com/images/threads/2002716_1.jpg

oh dear

why would someone do that to their child :(

Evie's Pro-tips <3

Keren announced at the dinner table last night: "This is my friend Ahmed. He lives in a big city called Cairo."

Veronica: Knock knock!
Me: Who's there?
Veronica: Closet!
Me: Closet who?
Veronica: Closet went to Boston! *maniacal laugh*
Me: ...

(she is trying desperately to develop some comedy chops)

getting the hang of knock knock jokes is like a turing test or something i think

You saying shakeys kid still might be a robot?

also there was quite a long explanation that accompanied that joke but I can't recall all of it, but it did end with "and that's why Boston is the punchline!" How puns work continues to elude her...

K has sort of picked up on the "funny because it's not true" version of humor, like saying "Cookie Monster eats broccoli...no!"

I was so proud the other night of my comedy chops. Beeps had been putting on a show with her stuffed nocturnal bird animal, and when she got up, she stepped on something and went ow!

We looked at her foot and she was ok. As she climbed up to her bunk bed, I said, that'd be a funny cartoon you could draw - two characters walking the woods when one of them steps on something and says ow!. And then have an owl say from a branch, Yes?

She gave me the exact same reaction as Arthur does to the line: "Then I won't be needing my jacket?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QLSRMoKKS0

Thank you, Beeps.

LOL

Highlights from the last week:

(Eavesdropping on argument)
A: You're not the queen of this house!
L: But I am the queen of bunnies. And they came first.
A: No they did not! Insects came first!
L: Bunnies created the insects. And water and sand and lemonade and lampposts.

(Part of her overarching theory that once the meteor did for the dinosaurs, the bunnies came out of their impact-resistant warrens and basically kickstarted human civilisation. She is a human-bunny hybrid, one of only two left. The other is a 110yo man in Florida).

Me: Who was the first woman in space?
A: Vanessa Blackwell!
Me: Valentina Tereshkova.
A: I knew I was close.

(Lulu in her skeleton PJs)
L: Look at my pelvis.
A: Like Elvis the Pelvis. Daddy, why did they call him that?
L: Because he hid his pelvis in his massive hair.

(On coming downstairs during a BBC4 showing of Duncan Jones's MOON; I felt obliged to explain the plot as I wasn't going to let them stay up and watch it... **SPOILERS**)
A: If I'd written this film he'd have woken all the clones up and just had a big party. The end.

Because he hid his pelvis in his massive hair.

(Part of her overarching theory that once the meteor did for the dinosaurs, the bunnies came out of their impact-resistant warrens and basically kickstarted human civilisation. She is a human-bunny hybrid, one of only two left. The other is a 110yo man in Florida).

This kid is amazing.

water and sand and lemonade and lampposts

this is v poetic

Bunnies created the insects. And water and sand and lemonade and lampposts.

would subscribe to her newsletter

My son, who is in first grade and starting to read, reads my t-shirt:

him: "Pixies", what's that?
me: They're a band, one of my favorite bands actually
him: *points to his shirt* My favorite band is GAP

Ha.

Gap Band is great, good taste.

Henry: "If you stand on top of the Christmas Tree star, you won't be able to see the presents."

Literally turned my head around at the red light to look at him in the backseat and ask, "Who are you?"

lol

For homework, Lulu did an acrostic:

Vicious mountains erupt wildly
Opened top explodes with lava
Lava catches trees on fire!
Can you run fast enough?
Animals must be scared!
Nearly everyone is panicking
Only scientists are calm

But the original "C" line - which made her laugh herself helpless - was going to be "Can I have a milkshake? I'm boiling!"

nice!

Ella's started summarising her picture books and "reading" them to us from memory.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/91QCIc2FCuL.jpg
Sven's Bridge has become:

"Sven! Naughty King! BOOM! King no pants!"

lool

"Daddy, look, a fire!"
"No, that's just smoke from a chimney, I think."
"Or it's from a factory. Some cities have factories. Like the Cheesecake Factory."

"Sven! Naughty King! BOOM! King no pants!"

omg

also lol at the cheesecake factory

bf: cmon Dex you gotta get ready for your party, they're picking you up soon!
Dex: I gotta go get HANDSOME! *runs off to his room*

Before I caught her, wandering around to the neighboring parents at her older brother's school orchestra concert:

*blows raspberry*
I farted!
*blows raspberry*
I farted!
*maniacal laughter*
etc.

that sounds like me!