Does the entire Innocent Smoothies aesthetic strike you as deeply fucking irritating?

http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l1k1w3Ulej1qznyh5o1_500.png

We have a problem, Cupcakes.

And it’s not that you’re not awesome. Because, dear Cupcakes, oh how we love you. Sometimes we make whole batches of cupcakes without telling anyone so we can secretly eat them all ourselves instead of doing supposedly productive things like standing up.

And it’s not that we think you’re overrated now that everyone and their kids are opening up cutesy cupcake restaurants. I would live out of a sleeping bag in one of those restaurants to be closer to you every morning, sultry Cupcakes.

But what really pisses us off, Cupcakes, is that you’re so much work. Don’t get us wrong, we don’t mind mixing up the batter and dirtying all our dishes since they’ll sit in the sink for a week anyways. We’ll even wait 15 minutes for you to puff up into beautiful little chocolatey pillows of fucking fluff.

It’s that after you come out of the oven, naked Cupcakes, there’s still a whole step left called FROSTING. Really? Because all our dishes are dirty, we spent all our energy watching you bake, and there’s MORE?!?!

Cupcakes, you scoundreling bitches.

We’ll show you. You’ll be sitting on our counters waiting in vain, because instead of making frosting, we’ve just been eating you smothered in butter. Which isn’t as good as butter AND sugar, but us Lazy Girls take what we can get. And usually that involves lots of butter.

Next up: Monkey Bread - don’t think you’re getting away so easily.

ps and another thing, Cupcakes, we need you to stay out of weddings, okay? Because The Wedding Cake is a heavenly thing, and when you pile yourselves up in a big Cupcake orgy next to the dance floor, we feel dirty for eating more than one of you in public in pretty dresses. Because no matter how many slices of Wedding Cake we eat, it’s still only ONE cake, isn’t it, Cupcakes? Don’t worry, we’d say I Do to you anytime.

lazygirlsguidetoliving posted this

smarffles' logodaedalywaedely

Just got this drivel from a fucking videogame retailer:

Every order that we receive is important to us and yours was no exception.
The moment your order came through we've been busy picking and packing, sticking and wrapping to get it sent off to you as fast as we could so that when it arrives at your door it'll bring a smile.
You can now put your feet up, have a cup of your favourite warm beverage and possibly a nice slice of cake whilst Royal Mail carry out the delivery part of the order.
If we could, we would bring the parcel to your door personally and deliver it with your very own GameSeek fanfare, but we do have to rely on Royal Mail....so if they don't show your delivery as much love and care as we would then we are very sorry. Let us know about it and we will do what we can to help. Occasionally things can be delayed or go missing so we would respectfully ask that if there is a problem, you let us know first. Any delays are not down to us.
So, you now know that we have treated your order with the care and devotion and carried it through our sales process like it was our very own. We'd like to ask if you could show us a bit of love too? We would be filled with joy if you could see your way clear to spending a couple of moments to leave us feedback. Your opinion is invaluable to us, and we treat your words with great care.

Please click on the following link to leave your comments...

Tempted to leave a link to this thread as a comment.

do it!

Wait, Urban Dictionary is moderated? They sure have a high tolerance for hate-speech if so

https://twitter.com/UNICEF/status/520332161367674881

KEY DATES
HS2 project timeline

We are determined to get cracking with HS2. We have already completed the consultation on Phase One, and in 2013 we began seeking powers from Parliament to construct the line between London and the West Midlands via a hybrid Bill.

The first shovels will hit the ground in 2017 and the first high speed trains should be speeding along the tracks between Birmingham and London by 2026.

Was this page helpful?
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ABOUT HS2 LTD

Realising Britain's transport future
HS2 Ltd is the company responsible for developing and promoting the UK’s new high speed rail network and is wholly owned by the Department for Transport.

We are determined to get cracking with the invasion of Poland. We have already completed the consultation on Phase One, and in 1939 we began seeking powers from Obersalzberg to destroy the German–Polish Non-Aggression Pact.

Optilead ‏@Optilead 2m2 minutes ago
Make your #business more like Erik Lamela and #convert with style http://www.optilead.co.uk/optilead-services/website-conversion-and-optimisation/ … #rabona

o u motherfuckers

"If I could turn back time..." Like Cher, now you can. Remember clocks go back on Sunday, at 2am. Just be thankful they don't go back to the 80's."

It was not possible to reply "fuck off" to this bulk giffgaff text

that's not how time works giffgaff you fucknuggets

was trying to find anything on twitter about their service and website being down this morning and instead all i could see was ppl posting screencaps of that and simply loving the bantz

it's also not how the premise of that song works xp

Make your #business more like Erik Lamela and #convert with style http://www.optilead.co.uk/optilead-services/website-conversion-and-optimisation/ … #rabona

this kind of joyless hashtag piggypacking while equally disagreeable is kind of a different phenomenon I think

yeah you heard, piggypacking

Some kind of apotheosis of the form:
https://twitter.com/thetwofairies

London Transport twee-ness -- is it a new thing that all tube announcements start with "Ladies and Gentlemen"? Either way, I HATE IT.

is that twee?

via a friend:

Woo Hoo!
Thats the geeks just doing a conga back from the post office where your carefully packed package of headshots are now in the hands of Postman Pat.
In a little while, once they've celebrated another hard days work with a coffee and Kitkat, they'll send you another email with the Royal Mail package number - and a text too.
Now, if you are anything like me you'll go onto the Royal mail website and see where it is - sorry, you'll be dissapointed. The photos are sent 'Signed For" and are not trackable. You'll be able to see they have been delivered - but you'll know that as you'll have the prints!
The prints should be delivered tomorrow (unless that's Sunday or a bank holiday).

And if you are anything like me you'll grab your imaginary machine gun and start liberally scattering bullets into the faces of every living soul within reach in a pique of explicit violence not seen since Postman Pat ran over his black and white cat! ! ! ! Woo Hoo!

London Transport twee-ness -- is it a new thing that all tube announcements start with "Ladies and Gentlemen"? Either way, I HATE IT.

― Chuck_Tatum, Friday, November 7, 2014 12:02 PM (1 hour ago)

That's not twee friendliness, it's formal speech.

I don't think they used to do it, though. It's a weird mix of oldfashioned over-formality and forced bonhomie - usually strapped to some lateness or defect. ("Ladies and gentlemen... the Northern Line is closed today, as is the Metropolitan, the Bakerloo, Finsbury Park is flooded..." etc

"HEY TUBEPROLES, THE TRAINS ARE FUCKED, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WALKING"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11249609/Tesco-goes-the-extra-mile-with-poetic-reply-to-disappointed-students.html

"We were bitterly disappointed about the lack of popcorn and understandably very upset,"

someone make it stop

tesco mobile's twitter feed is just the worst thing

http://www.buzzfeed.com/scottybryan/this-is-the-best-twitter-conversation-you-will

main tesco twitter is pretty bad too

Tesco @Tesco · Nov 23
Instead of letting it be Monday tomorrow, shall we just have another Sunday? Surely, if enough people agree, it’ll be allowed. Surely…?

St Andrews is the worst. Both as someone from St Andrews, and as someone who went to St Andrews University I apologise for these terrible, terrible people.

#Raisin2014

when some Tesco customer service drone writes better poetry than you maybe time to rethink yr academic career

Given Tesco's recent travails that tweet is just asking for a brutal truthbomb smackdown.

This is a class issue really, isn't it

If you're a chirpy random student lol, this style says 'We are like you', if you're a prole it says 'Fuck you'

http://kfcsharesies.co.uk/

#sharesies

https://www.lindt-shop.de/WebRoot/Lindt/Shops/Lindt/51D6/7BFA/ED19/2298/A61C/D475/4B9E/D720/22451.png

?!?!

new display name btw

nice to sweet you

is that a chocolate bar w/ biscuit bits or simply a dark chocolate cookie?

the former.

the strawberry version is nice.

oh my..

http://www.tosseduk.com/index.php/about-us

jesus christ. infant-level vocabulary and the inescapable suspicion that the employees of tossed have masturbated into every sandwich they send out in their fucking 'eco friendly vroom vroom' is a new depth of creeping awfulness.

you have no idea how irksome i find this shit...

Right on the Mutton!

We use the loveliest lambs from the Dorset Downs breed. These lambs roam freely over the coastal hills, soaking up the view, playing tag and generally putting their feet up, resulting in the tastiest, most tender lamb we could find.

happy lickle animals that just can't wait till that naughty mr bolt gun gets shot through their smiling lamby faces. maybe they've gone the whole innocent smoothy and put stuff like '28 silly old cluck-clucks were shoved through a macerator to make this tasty pot of soup - aw bless!' on their cartons

Can't even put my reaction to that shit into words

There could be a whole other thread on golden rustic farm imagery in British advertising, but I guess it would be harder to catalogue that stuff - packaging on cider bottles and packets of sausages that you throw away - all these golden sunsets and silhouettes of farmers and trees

You know what I mean, the sort of bourgeois-volkisch stuff that runs alongside the Innocent aesthetic and in this case has sort of crossed over

eco friendly vroom vroom is definitely an all time low.