The Wit and Wisdom of The Modern Wildean Genius, Noel Gallagher

"He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup." - on Liam
"Have I ever had a moment where I sat down and thought, 'Do you know what this calls for? This calls for Paranoid Android! Get it on!" No. I've never had that moment." - on Radiohead
"The Man has taken over the world. All the kids have to look up to now are bland, faceless trainee police officers." - on Coldplay

Beck can play the banjo, for fuck's sake. Nobody plays the banjo! Get him a dictionary from me, I'll fuckin' sign it and give it to him so he can look it up.

I would rather drink petrol straight from the nozzle at a garage than listen to an interview with Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys.

whaddayaknow, even Noel is otm occasionally

Why have I got to be there at seven in the morning? Who's listening at fucking seven in the morning? Cunts, that's who's.

lol, golden dicta all

FORMER Oasis songwriter and driving force Noel Gallagher has let his feelings be known about Australians in a long chat with UK radio station Talksport.

While the Manchester City fan spoke at length about his love of football, along with plenty of music biz anecdotes, he did manage to line up the Aussies when asked about the Ashes

“I don’t watch a lot of cricket ... but I watch the Ashes,” said Gallgher.

“The Australians are so childish. Have you ever been to Australia? Fascinating place, fascinating ...”

Asked what he meant by the hosts of the Sports Bar program, Gallagher replied.

“Well, it’s full of Australians. I was watching local TV news once and I thought I was watching Monty Python ... They were showing a Wellington (boot) throwing competition.”

Gallagher has plenty of experience when it comes to bad-mouthing Australian sporting teams, unleashing a memorable spray at the Socceroos and star player Tim Cahill after the 2006 World Cup.

“Football is the game of the intelligentsia and you are s--t at it,” Gallagher said.

“You will never win anything so give it up.

“What do they call them, the Socceroos? Do me a f---ing favour, you could come up with a better nickname than that.”

Of Cahill, Gallagher said, “I don’t know, there is something about him. I would love to kick him right in the bollocks.”

What's your lifestyle like now compared to those days?
If I can give you an analogy — back in the early days of Oasis, my lifestyle was like a wild fire-breathing dragon. My lifestyle now is like a faithful sheepdog.
...
What about Taylor Swift? She's a pop star, but many people praise her talent as a songwriter.
(Laughs) Who says that? Her parents?

Lots of people.
Who's "people"? Name these people. You're fucking lying. She seems like a nice girl, but no one has ever said those words, and you fucking know it.

This one has lots of good ones
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/noel-gallagher-on-loving-seinfeld-hating-most-everything-else-20150227

noel gallagher: i'm still not entirely sure who taylor swift is or why people know all about her

It's a great tune, and I paid 79 pence for it, but I am in no way a fan of Alt-J.

Why not?

I don't know. One of them's got a mustache, and that's unacceptable.

I wasn’t even going to vote in the last election, but I looked down the list [of candidates] and there was a guy standing for The Pirate Party. His manifesto was, “Everyone should dress like a pirate,” and I thought, “You know what? The world would be a better f*cking place if everyone dressed like a pirate.” Because, really, is there anything cooler than a pirate? Keith Richards is one and that’ll f*cking do me.

Imagine... a pirate on doughnuts!

REVEREND & THE MAKERS
New Album & Film 'MIRRORS' 9th October

“So I’m listening to ‘Mirrors’ for the 1st time and I’m about 15 minutes in when it dawns on me that this is like something that sounds like nothing I’ve heard since the great concept albums of the 60’s…It’s at that point that I may have shit in my smoking jacket! (in fact I think I did actually shit in my Fez!!). Shit title though eh?” (Noel Gallagher)

From the press release

“No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed', at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play 'Creep'. Get over it.”

A+

Killing it

Particularly Coca-Cola, it's like doing a fucking gig for McDonald's."

damn... really nailed it with that comparison

Esquire UK cover story

Radiohead? When do people listen to them? Is it when they go out, or is it when they come in? Because I’m struggling to think.

I tell you what I think about Liam and this is just an opinion. He would fucking aggressively disagree. He was rightly put up there as this fucking huge rock star but he didn’t write a note, not a word. From my perspective I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel about the mania surrounding us, and you knowing in your fucking soul that you were responsible for really wearing the clothes.

Morning Glory was slated when it came out. And then when it became the biggest thing ever – and I’ve been told this by two editors – they thought, “We’re not going to be caught out next time.” And they lauded Be Here Now, which was clearly a shit fucking album, full of fat fucking rock stars, and then they got caught out again. And they never forgave us. They were just like, “Wankers. We can’t fucking get on it.”

And they never forgave us.

Of course. Oasis never again appeared on a music magazine front cover, and certainly their every subsequent album wasn't greeted with desperate delusionary "no really THIS is the return to form" reviews.

The Bends is pretty good listening before going out

“I know people who live for their reviews. I once asked somebody how their new album was going, they said, ‘Fucking great. I’ve only got one bad review.’ Who gives a fuck? ‘Only got one bad review.’ Fucking hell, really? Shit, Jesus. Here’s your second.”

He criticised the groups he presumably perceives as being in thrall to the Guardian. “You’re not seriously telling me that anyone is going to be listening to Foals in 12 years. Is anybody going to be fucking begging for Hot Chip to get back together in 22 years? I don’t fucking think so.”

He was characteristically trenchant about pretty much every other pop star at work today. “Who gives a shit what fucking One Direction do? Cocksuckers, all of them in rehab by the time they’re 30. Who gives a shit what Ellie Goulding is up to? Really? Adele, what?” Alex Turner and Royal Blood look good, he said, but “I’ve got a cat that’s more rock’n’roll than all of them put together.” Thom Yorke, meanwhile, should “give us a fucking shout” when he writes a song “as good as fucking Mony Mony”.

He did, however, express his admiration for Kanye West, one of the few people on whom he does not believe fame is wasted, and Chris Martin, “a friend of mine. That fucking guy can write a tune.”

Coincidentally, it was revealed on Friday morning that Gallagher will appear on Coldplay’s new album, A Head Full of Dreams.

He was certain, however, of Oasis’s stature, insisting they were one of the best groups of all time. “If all the greats are in the top four, we’re in the bottom of the top four, we’re kind of constantly fighting for fifth, just missing out.” He added that Oasis would be unlikely to reunite, because unlike most re-formed bands they could never be as big as they were first time round. If he changed his mind about returning, he said, his brother Liam would almost certainly say no, just to spite him.

Gallagher also said giving his interviews was his hobby. “I could do this all day long … I get to be a gobshite, and I get to do that thing: to be the last of a dying breed.”

Thom Yorke, meanwhile, should “give us a fucking shout” when he writes a song “as good as fucking Mony Mony”.

i think this is the worst sentence i've ever read

LOL, possibly!

LESTER: I saw Bowie the other night.
LOU: Lucky you. I think it’s very sad.
LESTER: He ripped off all your riffs, obviously.
LOU: Everybody steals riffs. You steal yours. David wrote some really great songs.
LESTER: Aw, c’mon…anybody can write great songs! Sam the Sham wrote great songs! Did David ever write anything better than “Wooly Bully”?

Thom Yorke, meanwhile, should “give us a fucking shout” when he writes a song “as good as fucking Mony Mony”.

i think this is the worst sentence i've ever read

Disagree, comedy gold from Noel here.

enjoying the part where "we didn't have carpet back in my day"

I’m aware that Radiohead have never had a fucking bad review. I reckon if Thom Yorke fucking shit into a light bulb and started blowing it like an empty beer bottle it’d probably get 9 out of 10 in fucking Mojo. I’m aware of that

All the bands that get back together, all those ones you’ve mentioned [Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin] they didn’t have anybody in the line-up as fucking brilliant as me.

Fame’s wasted on these cunts today. Bar Kanye.

"Life on Mars" is not about pondering whether there's fucking life on Mars. Nobody knows what it's about.

I didn't know this until a couple of days ago, but this song was a take on some French fuckin' political writer called Jean Genet. But again, is the song about the fuckin' French Revolution? No, I don't think so.

And for all my talk of, "Well, what are his songs about? We don't really know what they're about," I think "Heroes" is quite straightforward. The sentiment is amazing: We can be heroes, if only for one day.

“I’m walking around today in a T-shirt, and I’m thinking ...” Gallagher looks up to mock-assess the weather, fully aware he is about to send some Guardian readers berserk, “... it’s not even remotely chilly. Sure, it’ll be bad for my grandkids. But I’ve not met them yet. They might be a load of cunts, d’you know what I mean?”

yeah yeahhhhh