Kids say the darndest things

He's four. Barack Obama was president when I was born. This is going to be a long road.

when he was born, I should say.

I've even gotten out of line and gone the "ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF THE FIRE, YOU'RE GONNA STAND THERE AND SAY 'WHY?' AND THEN POOF!" route.

Yeah, basically! If you balk when I'm telling you to do something even marginally important, how are you going to react when the situation is critical? My example is getting hit by a car, but same deal.

Yeah Evie insists that "I don't care" is a bad word which makes conversations like "What do you want for dinner?" "Eh I don't care" very controversial.

But I don't call anyone bullshit!

lol

Yeah, "stupid" is controversial in my house because we have a rule that you can't call people stupid, but my wife and I disagree about whether we can call things or ideas stupid (since calling an idea stupid could reflect back on the person whose idea it was). I see her point, but I totally think sometimes there are some really stupid ideas and I'm okay with breaking them down to that level.

I hate to say it, but it's the funniest when Hammer misses the point.

We've got about a 20-minute ride home from daycare each day. Beeps and I were recently talking about our planned visit to Australia, how we were going to see Grandma and Uncle M, see her older cousin again and meet for the first time Uncle M's son, who's H's age. It'll be summertime there, so even though we'll celebrate Christmas, we're still going to go to the beach and swim in the ocean -- and yes, Beeps reminds us, there's no ocean in Arkansas.

I back into the driveway and Beeps grabs her stuff and heads for the porch. Hammer's just sitting there with this look on his face. I unstrap him from the carseat, pat his arm, and ask, "Everything ok?"

He looks around our yard and back at me. "I thought we were going to Australia?"

lol

hahahah awww!

aww!

Also

I'm surprised it took this long but today was the first day where I dropped something and said "SHIT!" and immediately heard Evie in the other room say "Shit. Shit. What is shit? SHIT."

Okay I will clean up my act* ASAP so I can still hang out w/ my homie Evie.

*Notice I did not say "get my shit together" eh? Eh?

<3 Hammer!

girl cheese sandwiches!

(we pass a billboard showing a picture of a block of swiss cheese)

K: What food that?
Me: That's Swiss cheese. Chese with holes.
K: Hole Foods!

zinga zangggg

"Let's go pants crazy!"

"What?"

Slowly: "Let's... go... pants.. crazy!!"

"Right, but what is that?"

"It's when you go crazy with pants!!!!!"

Duh

my daughter has a game she calls Super Pants. she takes her pants off, puts them on her head like a hat, and runs around yelling SUPER PANTS!!!!!

I figure she'll be a hit in college.

omg that is the best

my daughter has a game she calls Super Pants. she takes her pants off, puts them on her head like a hat, and runs around yelling SUPER PANTS!!!!!

I figure she'll be a hit in college.

― Euler, Thursday, June 26, 2014 6:05 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dying

My partner's 6 year old son was showing me his new Transformer. I said "thats really awesome, Dex!" Dex then conspiratorially stage-mutters "yeah. Daddy put it up his BUTT".

There was also the time he climbed into bed for dad-cuddles one morning when I was over and informed his father he had "penis nipples". WTF.

!

Maybe he watches anime or something lol I have no idea.

When I first met my wife and son, they had been living alone together for 4 years. One of the first nights that I stayed over, I was up early and she was still asleep. He walked over to me and pointed at his nipple and asked me what you called that. "Those are called nipples," I said. He laughed. "Mommy has FAT nipples!"

She breastfed him until he was almost 3. I have no idea how they avoided that discussion.

Thanks to patriotic songs for July 4 in day care, Evie has been singing "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood, but she sings the title line as "I'll blast the U.S.A." She explained that this refers to fireworks.

She also insists that the line "It's funny how some distance makes everything feel small" in "Let It Go" is "It's cunny how some distance..."

I have seen so much unironic love for that Lee Greenwood song in the past week. Makes me think I've been taking crazy pills for the past 13 years.

Beeps has been asking me some interesting questions lately.

"When you draw the American flag, do you have to put 13 stripes on it?"

"What would our flag look like if England had won?"

She also popped the "Why do some people call themselves African Americans?" on me. My trump card that no one else has was saying she could call herself an Australian American, if she wanted.

Day cares should be required by law to request parental permission to teach kids that hideous Lee Greenwood song. I'm proud of Evie's antiestablishment leanings there.

Me [finishing my lecture]: ... and that's why "Mexican" is not a language.
Joey: Well, it's the same to me [burps] and a burp is a period!
Abby: And a fart is a pyramid

abby otm

After watching Awesome Shark on Wander Over Yonder say "Better call a farmer (pats his calves), cuz these calves are ready for market!"

Me: Better call a a baker, cuz these buns (patted my butt) are piping hot!

Owen: Better call a junk truck, cuz this (points at crotch) needs to get picked up!

lol!

double lol

"daddy will there be black people where we're going?"

"what? uh, yeah, sure, probably. why?"

"i only want white people"

"what??"

"cause black people eat too much candy and sit around and get fat"

WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK

http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/JoBxFfz4Dko/hqdefault.jpg

You should sit the kid down in front of this movie:

http://images3.cinemaki.com/u/20090721/640_atRLnZoaWv0tX2US1ge8Xw.jpg

and then say, "See? He wasn't fat at all!"

Wowsers!

holy shit where the hell did that come from, tracer?

I have NO IDEA. talkin about it here: kids and racism

After a family car trip where my daughter gave us a workout singing different versions of the alphabet song (the A-B-C's, the Z-Y-X's, the 1-2-3's, and the backwards 1-2-3's which starts with 26 and is a little awkward):

Son (in response to something his mom said): O-M-G, mom!
Daughter (singing): Now I know my O-M-G's.

Ha! Awesome.

my youngest has been talking about "the memories that she remembers", when talking about the past. It's gorgeous.

That's adorable.

Two things I wouldn't post anywhere else but a thread specifically about kid quotes:

1.) Henry still has some strange syntax.

- "Is this gum or is it a ball?"
- "Well, it's a gumball. It's gum that's in the shape of a ball."
- "I KNOW IT'S SHAPED LIKE A BALL. BUT IS IT A BALL?"

That sort of thing. He also has one of the best gutteral old man laughs I've ever heard. Beeps will lightheartedly tease him or someone will poke him in the belly, and he lets out this DAWWWWWWW! that's deeper than you'd think and has this rough edge to it. But it's a very happy sound.

We were reading the Color Kittens the other night. This is its cover:

http://i.imgur.com/NA6GleK.jpg

I ask him, What's going on with this second cat in the purple? Is he happy? Is he sad?

At first, he tells me he's crying, but then quickly corrects himself. "No," he says, "he's going 'DAWWWWWWWW! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!!!"

Killed me. Not "Why's this paint here?" or "Why did you spill it on me?" or even "What's happening to me..." Next time I hit my thumb with a hammer, I'll try to remember to use the correct catchphrase.

2.) Beeps is getting sublime in her humor. We play this game at her bedtime where I ask questions to our cat and she answers them (in the voice of Beeps.) The cat's humor is so dry that I sometimes don't pick up on them until after I'm the one laying in bed.

Last night, the cat got bored and stood in front of the closed bedroom door, waiting to be let out. "She" had "told" me earlier she wasn't interested in jokes, but now I asked her if she was interested in hearing a knock-knock joke, now that she was in front of the door.

BEEPS AS CAT: "I don't like knock-knock jokes."
ME: "Oh, come on. Just play along."
BEEPS AS CAT:"Ok. Go ahead."
ME: "Knock Knock!"
BEEPS AS CAT: "Slam."

Love these kids.

<3

"I KNOW IT'S SHAPED LIKE A BALL. BUT IS IT A BALL?"

This is some deep shit

three yr old to my wife:

'i'm going in my room to play...'

(three second pause, smile)

'...with my penis.'

omg

omar, i haven't gone into it on this semi-public messageboard, but you are not alone.

We've been quite lucky with Aidan, he's not been obsessed, so far.

written rather than spoken, and from at least 9 months ago, but I found this in Aidan's room tidying up

http://photos-a.ak.instagram.com/hphotos-ak-xaf1/10608039_703130606423984_276027323_n.jpg

I am dying at the penis comment. OMG.