Phrases you hate...

"Just saying," at least as a sentence unto itself. All over Facebook.

Kid talk--don't know if I actually hate it but I do always call attention to how silly it is: "Can I verse you?" (as applied to a game of badminton or checkers or whatever). "You mean you want to write a poem about me? Sure, go ahead--immortalize me."

"Can I verse you?" (as applied to a game of badminton or checkers or whatever).

Is this some sort of http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t1/CheckMyVitals/Posting/canada.gif thing?

No, I've heard kids say that.

http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=4029

"creating change"

change happens all by itself you assholes

- mlk

"What is this? Grand Central Station?"

"Can I verse you?"

Heavens! Then I might become well-versed in the subject.

"What is this? Grand Central Station?"

― how's life, Sunday, June 1, 2014 3:07 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh, but how I waited my whole life to get to New York, putting a friend on a train to Poughkeepsie, and saying...

Beeps came home and told us how her school was going to pre-empt classroom teaching on a Friday and let the kids enjoy hot dogs, inflatable jump tents and face-painting. I say to Sunny because I'm a hilarious dad, "Oh, those kids are going to have a field-day with that one."

nice

"sorry for your loss"

^^^ yes, and predictably I struggle with what else to say if it's someone I don't know well. 'I was so sorry to hear about X' or just 'I'm so sorry' if the context is right is what I usually feel like saying.

what i said on twitter:

Does anyone feel uncomfortable with the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss"? Well-meaning but kinda the lorem ipsum of sympathy.

It also feels loaded in a weird way, on both sides, like the speaker is burdened ("sorry") and the recipient's "loss" is imbued with meaning

I send grieving family members the board game SORRY™ except instead of the board and pieces when they open it up, they find a note I've written that simply says "This is me, because of your loss."

Then I go to class reunions and tell old friends there that I'm sorry for their gain.

so wry for your loss xp

although I agree on that phrase, I can't think of anything to say to grieving persons, particularly ones I'm not very close to, that doesn't sound strained and uncomfortable.

i wrote a card for my cousin when her husband died suddenly but then i didn't like the awkwardness of my wording so i didn't send it and i intended to get another card but i didn't and then she was killed in a car crash a few weeks later and ever since then i don't worry so much about what i say as long as it's something.

:O

Sorry for your loss.

<3

I've spent years advising students to drop this "the passing of my grandfather" twaddle.

"I was sorry to hear about your father" is almost as bad. It has this overtone of "Oh yes, you mean theah...dying business. Unfortunate, that."

"I'm sorry" will suffice.

or better: a hug.

http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2013/04/29/Joan-Hug.o.jpg/a_560x375.jpg

I also hate saying "I was sorry to hear about..." because it's like "By the way, you probably weren't thinking about your loved one's death at just this moment, after grieving for the prior three weeks, but I need to remind you of it so that I can discharge my duties."

i never remind anyone of death, everyone will be reminded soon enough

Valar morghulis

lol

Moment of silence.

I still have in my drafts folder this long heartfelt email I wrote to a co-worker whose husband and nine-year-old granddaughter were killed by a drunk driver. I never sent it because every sentence begins with "I feel this way...." Or I want you to know..." In the end, I was just who cares what the fuck I have to say anyway. "Oh, pplains feels badly about two of my family members perishing on the Interstate on the same night. That improves things."

...I can't think of anything to say to grieving persons, particularly ones I'm not very close to, that doesn't sound strained and uncomfortable.

― ₴HABΔZZ ¶IZZΔ (Hurting 2), Sunday, June 1, 2014 6:04 PM (2 hours ago)

...ever since then i don't worry so much about what i say as long as it's something.

― estela, Sunday, June 1, 2014 6:12 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh yeah, I know. I mean my post had an implied "and therefore I just say the canned shit" at the end of it.

When I was a freshman in college, my favorite English professor's mom died, and I was super intimidated by the guy because he was this towering bearded genius classic English prof dude, so after a lot of deliberation I picked out this blank card with a stark ansel adams B&W photo of a bunch of birch tree trunks or something and wrote something like "I offer my deepest sympathies in your time of grieving." I felt very proud when he thanked me for the card, as though I had demonstrated some kind of superior class and taste in my card choice and condolence method. It was an almost Hannah Horvath-like moment of self-involvement.

lol dying

i hope you're sorry for my family's impending loss.

If you feel a need to console someone and wish to offer a sincere expression based in shared humanity, then don't fret over the wording, just be awkward if you must. If it's real, it's ok.

If your condolences aren't meant sincerely, but are just a matter of rote fulfillment of some vaguely felt social duty, then you'd best not venture on offering them, because that is how they'll come across and nobody needs to be the object of your empty gesture when they're in grief.

Estela,

I hereby reserve the right to express my deepest condolences to you and your family at an as-yet undetermined and hopefully distant time. I am truly sorry in advance.

after a lot of deliberation you picked out this blank card with maracas.jpg

I really thought that by thanking me he was trying to telegraph some kind of message to me like "I knew all along you weren't one of these run-of-the-mill mouthbreathers who picks out hallmark cards with loose pink cursive script," rather than just "It was nice of one of my students to think of me when I am very sad about the death of my mother." It seems so delusional to me now.

See, I too tried to send that tree trunk pic as a condolence card once, but the family of Sonny Bono got real up in arms over it.

I used to get really jammed up about how to express sympathy like this but then at my last job, for whatever reason, a lot of close relatives of my coworkers (and some of my actual coworkers) died, to the point that it made sense to buy a box of sympathy cards and keep them at my desk, so I got a lot of practice, I guess. But it helps that I generally really AM sorry for this person's loss. Like really sincerely sorry, even if it's not someone that I eat lunch with every day or anything. It sucks when people you love die! That's an easy place to get, empathetically, I think. Then saying a simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts" doesn't feel canned at all, because I am sorry and they are in my thoughts.

The only sentiment I am careful to avoid is "I am sorry to hear about the loss of ______" because that sounds like what I'm really sorry about is that I had to hear about it, and not that the bereaved is going through a period of loss and grief. "I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your great aunt, because that reminds me of my mortality and the inevitable demise of every one and everything I love, and now I am super bummed out."

also pp you are the best, fyi

damn carl that's a grim-ass job

It was a grim job, but for other reasons. I think it was just a combo of aging workforce and some demographic considerations. When my grandfather died, I got like five sympathy cards, a few of which I recognized from the box I had so.

"genre-bending" -- it's such an irrelevant musical descriptor in 2014 and also I just don't like the sound of it

"sorry for your loss"

― nurse with attitude (get bent), Sunday, June 1, 2014 6:59 PM (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^^ I have, several times, seen ppl posting abt the death of a "loved one" (phrase I also hate bcz it is EXCLUSIVELY reserved for ppl that have died and feels insincere as fuck) on Facebook and 10 or 12 people saying "Sorry for your loss" verbatim, with only differing capitalization and punctuation. IDK like if I'd seen the 10 ppl before me post the exact same thing I would try to come up with something a little more heartfelt.

no snark, promise, but from another perspective maybe the simple flatness of the statement conveys a sentiment better than worrying about how you look as the person condoling?

i've definitely experienced moments of "does this look rote?" but in the face of bereavement very often i'm not sure that anything more than "sorry" is really adding much emotion

we can now analyze whether this breaks down across transatlantic lines and our varied attitudes to expressing emotion