Artist-specific music jokes

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles? [worse; racist]

Haha drummers aren't proper musicians [worst of all]

...

cf: I contributed to a similar thread recently and asked the readers of The Friday Thing to join in. Only I'd been duped by the editor into thinking it had a readership greater than that of a tiny college magazine (i.e. over1000) and so couldn't understand why no-one added to it. I looked a real chumpo. Writers beware!

John Lennon.

Flick the lights on and off.

"that Sparks joke is total and utter genius. i'm laughing myself into a stupor right now.
-- ken taylrr (or...), September 30th, 2004."

Sorry to piss on your parade MP, but he got it off Viz magazine.

A: Militia Etheridge!

And a ladyshave for the other leg.

B'dum Tish.

Limp Bizkit

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.
"What's the matter The Edge?" he says.

"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."

Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."

"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."

Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."

"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."

So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."

Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."

Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."

"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."

The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.

The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."

Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says

"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."

I just remembered that from an old National Lampoon.

A: He just heard that Stevie Wonder is black.

Man : Doc, I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs! It's taking over my life! What can I do?
Doctor : Well, it sounds like you've got a dose of Tom Jones-itis.
Man : Is it serious?
Doctor : It's not unusual.

B'dum Tish.

A friend of mine had this variant back in the day: Paul McCartney went down on one knee this week. Or, as the rest of us know her, ...

Gee, you knit?

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Haha, that's great. We need more of this fake U2 dialogue.

I love how Bono actually does refer to The Edge as "The Edge" instead of just "Edge" in conversation, as in, "What are ye doing over there with that guitar, The Edge?"

both suck without cream.

Jerry smiles serenely and says "Give me a guitar, so I can play 'Truckin'' one last time!"

The elder nods his agreement and then turns to Eric. "And you, what is your request?"

Eric grimaces and says "Kill me before he plays that f#*&ing song!"

Cause there are twenty of them.

cause there are 60 of her

He looks up to see a beautiful young woman peering down at him. "Yes," he says, "I am Thom from Radiohead. Who might you be?"

Before she can answer, the young woman morphs into 50 Cent, and he starts performing a club-friendly song from his latest collection of commercial rap crossovers.

Who are Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Bread

Earth, Wind, and Youre Fired!

-- rentboy (rentboyd...), September 29th, 2004.

That reminds me, I read in some music publication (perhaps even via ILM) that Stevie Wonder likes to do a little party trick where he'll have someone tell him about a particular party guest's outfit and then he'll go over to the person and compliment them on how great it looks on them.

Q: What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
A: "Excuse me, but you're in my son."

Q: What's the difference between Dashboard Confessional and the Donnas?
A: One is for fat chicks and the other is four fat chicks.

*Ducks*

You hear they made a Jeff Buckly documentary? It's called Finding Nemo.

Q: Why did the music critic write mean spiteful jokes on the internet about famous people he's never met.
A: Because he has crushingly low self-esteem and has to ridicule other people to validate himself and give himself the illusion of control.

A: Endless Love

For some reason when I imagine "you're totally hired" in a Mark E. Smith voice, it comes out in the voice of Snake from the Simpsons.

(I went through a period of a week or so where I thought jokes about the Doors not having a bassist were hilarious. Don't ask.)

What is a surgical assistant's favorite punk band?

Operation I.V.