rugby

In reality, it is not nearly as sophisticated as that.

Myth 1 – You Have To Be Fit To Play Rugby
For a start, men rarely do anything which lasts a whole 80 minutes in most games of rugby, especially not running around. Forwards spend half the time standing about in lineouts and leaning against each other in scrums. Backs stand about watching the forwards standing about. There is also a lot of time taken up with penalties, free-kicks, conversions and injuries. Most players are able to reduce the time they actually run around to about three and a half minutes. Some players (particularly props) have been known to play an entire rugby career without ever getting beyond a brisk walk. Many will openly warn you that it is when players start jogging about and knocking into each other by mistake that accidents happen.

Myth 2 – Rugby Is Dangerous
Rugby is actually far less dangerous than games like hockey, lacrosse or football (where points are given to injured players for artistic merit). Rugby players love to show off their perceived injuries however and will often delight in describing broken bones and suppurating wounds. They will gladly offer to show you their scars. These scars are often merely nettle rash or appendectomy scars and in fact nothing to do with rugby at all.

Myth 3 – Once You Walk Off The Pitch, Everything Is Forgotten
No, it isn’t. In the clubhouse everything may well be polite. After ten pints, everything might be quite friendly. But when a player next sees the man who stood on him lying face up at the bottom of the ruck, memories tend to come flooding back. It is usual for a red haze to fall over everyone’s eyes about three minutes after the game starts and this doesn’t clear until after the fourth pint in the bar. Never worry about this. It is quite usual.

The Realities :
Players should never be in too much of a hurry to get back on their feet after being tackled. It is safer and far less demanding to roll about on the floor rather than chase the ball. Watch the props for advanced techniques.

Players should never be close enough to the play to miss a vital tackle. Everyone remembers the poor soul who let the winger side-step him. They don’t remember the other 14 bods trundling along miles behind the play.

Players should never run with the ball. This can be tiring and hazardous to their health. Get rid of it as soon as possible.

Forwards should never wear a vest or T-shirt under their jerseys, no matter how cold it is, or they will be regarded as effeminate. Wingers should wear thermal underwear, a couple of warm sweaters and an anorak.

The Players :

The Pack: Eight handsome burly guys. They are intelligent, elegant, sensitive and sweet. Truly the ideal men. It is unfair that people consider them to be large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. It is untrue that they revel in the violence inherent in the scrum, and quite wrong that they aren't even considered humans at all.

The Backs: Seven guys who tend to take advantage of women, and all tubular household objects. Often dine on quiche, brie and wine.

Props: (#1 or #3) Short but stout, these strapping men support the hooker, but no money ever changes hands and the act is never specifically named. Officially there are two props in every team but as it is a position where you are not allowed to retire until you are 50, there is often a surfeit and when other players are in short supply, some teams have been known to play with eight or nine props filling every position from wing to scrum half. There are two types of prop : tight-head and loose-head. There is a rumour that this has something to do with which side of the scrum they stand, but in fact it is to do with a physiological problem that afflicts their necks.

Hooker: (#2) Often identified by a balding spot on top of the head, these vertically-challenged but talented men stand between the two props and secure the ball for their team during scrums. The position of hooker is traditionally filled by the person who is too slow or too small or too fat to play anywhere else.

Second Row: (#4 and #5) These tall powerful men are the driving engines not only of the scrum, but of the entire game. They can be found working their magic from deep in the scrum, behind the front row, or lofting high above the line outs pulling balls from the air. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. An interesting feature of second row play is that apart from watching the ball fly over their heads in the lineout and under their feet in the scrum, they might not actually see it again in the game. Second rows don’t count the number of tries they scored in the season, but the number of times they had the ball in their hands.

The Back Row: Usually the most handsome and intelligent, these three men of stamina and strength are often considered the Renaissance men of the rugby field. They not only control ball, but the entire pitch. Remember, the back row defines the whole team's style of play. "They are the game." They are also the ones who have a hairbrush, a change of clothes and some nice aftershave in their kitbags. The #8 is the one who pushes in the middle of the back row and locks the whole pack together. He also jumps at the back of the lineout – one of the more impressive moves in rugby. In fact, if a #8 did everything he was supposed to do, he would probably drop dead with exhaustion.

The flankers have no responsibilities whatsoever, and are often psychopaths.

Scrum Half: (#9) The point guard of the rugby team, the scrumhalf distributes the ball, runs hits and kicks. The scrumhalf is only half as handsome and burly as the pack members. Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. Others tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. He is often known as ‘The Player Most Likely To Get Late Tackled’.

Fly Half: (#10) The first of those back guys, and the first of the offensive chain. Often confused with an insect, may be referred to as the man with "the foot". Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back row to land on.

Centres: (#12 and #13) Another pair of those back guys. Their only purpose is to get the ball to the wing. Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is obviously the best one to have, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. Titles of books written by Centres include ‘The 100 Best Tries I Could Have Scored’ and ‘101 Things To Do While Waiting For A Pass’.

Wings: (#11 and #14) Ideally the fastest men on the team. In a perfect world wingers would be thin, lithe and exceptionally fast. In most club rugby, wingers are the people who are left over when everyone else has been given a position. Their job is to "score with the ball," but they often confuse it with "get tackled with the ball." In the lower reaches of rugby, being a winger is exactly the same as being a spectator except you get to wear the club jersey and you can’t be offensive to the referee.

Fullback: (#15) The last line of defense, he is often a rather pathetic, lonely soul. It is his responsibility to miss the last tackle before the other team score a try. It is vital that he should be ‘good under a high ball’, which to most full-backs means saying his prayers while waiting for it to come down. It is important that they learn to shout ‘Mark’ in an imperious voice as the high ball slips through their arms and bounces off their knees into the arms of the opposing centre. They are often to be found asking the selection committee member “Any chance I could get a game on the wing next week?”

Hope this helps clarify things a bit.

I don't understand the rugby hate here either, I went to a rugby school and it was full of wankers but I still love watching a good game of Rugby Union. I never played mind you. What you/I have to remember aswell though perhaps is that in Ireland Rugby Union is not solely a snobby or posh sport, sure there are loads of Brian O'Driscoll style "i jusht got a sooper troy alroysh man" types but outside of Dublin people are really into rugby and it's not a snobs thing at all.

Just look at Keith Wood or Peter Stringer, the Keano's of Irish rugby without the borderline psychosis or annoying Man U connection.

Rugby is an absolutely brilliant sport, when it's good. I have only begun to admit this to myself recently, perhaps my enthusiasm is also because Ireland have been quite successful recently.

I don't think I've ever been as animated/mental watching anything as I was watching Munster beat Leicester last year or indeed Ireland squeezing out a result against Wales in the last minute. Absolutely invigorating stuff I'm telling you.

Rugby is also the most competently administrated sport I can think of, they are always trying new rules and ways of refereeing and it's the better for it. This is one area where other sports could really take note.

A fantastic game to watch.

also in medieval football seeing as the pitch was infinitely big and you could like strab the opponents etc i'm sure picking up the ball and running w.it was also on the menu

i never played either, which i think is where some of the hate of others comes from, long afternoons with one's face in the mud etc. also i hated ruggerbuggers at college, and i'm sure international players (england in particular) are no better, but when played at the top flight rugby is a marvy game to watch.

[xx] = william webb ellis, mark.

The local team was great because we were so crap that you'd score one try and all the parents watching would go absolutely mad. I remember playing one absolute stormer one day and getting clotheslined and punched and things cos I was running by so many people. Afterwards some dude told me to try out for the district team or something but I never did. I was 11 or so and I knew it was a flash in the pan brilliant performance. I never got stuck in enough to be really good at sport.

I will say that the random bunch of drunk rugby louts I ran into there didn't mind me and were chatty, but they probably thought I was fairly harmless, as opposed to Lady Lurex, who they rightly fear and are shamed by, for they are not as cool as she.

I have always had a weakness for Number 8s.

Sorry. I am completely irrational on this one. It offends me.

lions doing so well...would make the weekend if they can win against this grim dour s african side

right on. the wallabies who represent australia did a ok too!

that's knocked the wind out of my sails

yes, mine too. and o'garas x1000. couldn't tackle steyn into touch on the try and then couldn't leave du preez alone in the air. team game and all but shit he let the whole touring party down.

yeah what in the name of jesus was rog doing with that last play. the garyowen was stupid enough, then the foul. a draw would have been a good result considering they lost both centres and both props. if they didn't lose the two props I think they would have won.

i can't actually accept they've lost the first two tests, just feels so wrong, they were easily good enough to beat that fucking sa side and played far more attractive rugby.

also at fault i thought was mike phillips' box kick after every restart that came to the lions, just gave the boks the ball back - have another go chaps i'm sure we'll defend heartily.

with you on the fact that the series has gone, feels very unfair. i've felt though in both tests that captain-wise o'connell wasn't quite there. he played his usual solid game but the leadership x-factor wasn't there. a martin johnson would have read the riot act at restarts and made sure that no one was in a position to make a mistake like o'gara did.

oh well. still a fantastic game to watch. sadly the boks are 2-0 up despite being made to look pretty ordinary since half time last week.

yeah o'connell didn't play particularly well over the two games either. it's a bit of a catch 22 tho. for ireland before the grand slam everyone used to lambast bod's captaincy and say o'connell was the true leader. now after this season most people say the reverse.

I agree about the box kicks actually, I think in general they kicked too much in the second half, nerves I guess.

just remembered jones missed a penalty kick for touch with about 5 mins to go...

yeah that was dire. you've got to also blame mcgeechan a bit for getting the forwards so wrong in first test. man...need to just go have a beer and forget about it!

nice to get the win even against a weakened boks side. great performance by them, they should have won this series. that lions backline is unreal. why only every four years, should be every two!

just found this to be a pretty dope photo...

http://images.smh.com.au/2010/04/08/1300337/ind_berrick-barnes-400x267.jpg

but yuh, the QUEENSLAND! back combo of Genia AND WHT THE FKKKKK Cooper IS ACTUALLY PROOVING TO BE DEADLY kudos, LINK

he's...kind of massive http://images.brisbanetimes.com.au/2009/09/01/707886/420genia-420x0.jpg

and has the dopest/silkiest skillz

and is wearing the ugliest uniform in the world.

bb-b-but it's for 'grip'. HEY E!

Should be an England cakewalk but invincible England RU teams falling at the final hurdle is one of the greatest pleasures to be had in world sport.

V hard to cheer for SA with a clear conscience but I understand all not Englishes doing that.

Unlucky Wales in the end

Going down w honour in semi final probly much less painful for wales than losing a world cup final to the saxon foe

Yeah our patched up team would have got battered next week.

Instead we get to face the wounded ABs in just 5 days in a game no one wants to be in.

3rd place games are always pointless

Englol

enjoying this

enjoyed the shot of Bill Beaumont and Prince Harry looking sad

stick a fork in em

thinking about thos ross kemp tears

Awesome try.

I want to see Prince Harry's face now.

CryingJohnson.jpg

LOL England falling apart.

Bookies across the home counties opening the champagne about now

ahem

GET THAT RIGHT UP YE

What an awesome and ideologically correct occurrence :D

I'm that happy right now I could jump over a dollhouse and then run all the way to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain and lay a big steaming chod in it.

Aussie rules RIP

lol calz

Get it right up ye Grant 🖕🏻😂🖕🏻

— Ryan Connell (@RyanConnell84) November 2, 2019

Sing it

https://www.twitter.com/BBCSport/status/1190384267362275330

To compound the misery for England rugby fans, Margaret Thatcher's still dead.

— David Whitley (@mrdavidwhitley) November 2, 2019

Matt Dawson wouldn't include any South Africa players in his combined XV with England.

This is why: https://t.co/lgWkS94zID#bbcrugby #RWC2019 #RWCFinal pic.twitter.com/P90vur6yXe

— BBC Sport (@BBCSport) November 1, 2019

Replies to that tweet dominated by gloating Welshmen. You llove to see it.

IMAGINE HOW FUMING THE CONSERVATIVES ARE WATCHING BLACK SOUTH AFRICANS SCORING TRIES FOR FUN AGAINST THEIR TEAM WHEN THEY WERE ALL CAMPAIGNING TO GET MANDELA HUNG IN THE 80S HAHAHAHAAHA YEEEERRRRRSSSSS pic.twitter.com/BwSc6JbXmP

— NEO (@MULLET_FAN_NEO) November 2, 2019

Congrats Wales, can't have been easy to throw the semi-final but the right decision in the end

Shit news. Fuck cancer

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/50395820

Really need France to do England today to make life a smidgen more bearable.

In the other code of rugby I just noticed last night that the Catalan Dragons have signed Israel Folau. Stay classy lads.

Fine and dandy so far.

Hopefully France can keep it going for the 2nd half

Can see England coming back strong but fingers crossed.

Get it right up ye, Boris Johnson.

And Prince William or whoever the rugby one is

In the other code of rugby I just noticed last night that the Catalan Dragons have signed Israel Folau. Stay classy lads.

And in top trolling, Wigan have announced that their home game against Catalan will be Pride Day with players wearing rainbow socks and laces

Nice one.

Explosive rugby in the first half there

ffs Ireland, give us a try at least.

... yasssss, now three more.

I've little interest in Rugby or in any team-sport but amazon prime pushed this documentary to my recommended list (I guess because they are pushing rugby more generally ahead of the 7 nations cup) and it is fascinating and infuriating. Incredible stats like: 20-25% of professional rugby players come from the pacific islands (fiji, Tonga, Samoa - combined population of 1.5m people) ; pacific island players were getting paid circa £80 per game while western players were getting payed upwards of £20,000 per game and that PI players were busking on the streets while on tour in Europe to earn cash. Some really horribly sad stories in here of the exploitation of PI players.

http://www.oceansapartfilm.com/

Some spin-off docs as well, you'll have to search for on amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Castaway-Romania-Tongan-national-foodbanks/dp/B08NRDHJFL/ref=pd_ys_iyr3

about a PI player who ended up on contract in Romania but got kidney failure and coudn't return to Tonga because they don't have any dialysis machines there. He's currently living on benefits in Romania.

and

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Caucau-Greatest-Mystery-Rupeni-Caucaunibuca/dp/B08NK3L9PS/ref=pd_ys_iyr2

about another player who became lost in the system and is now penniless in Tonga.

First win at Twickenham in 38 years. Get it right up ye's!

Enjoyed that yesterday. Congrats Tom

We were absolutely awful today and would never have won if Ireland hadn't been down to 14

First win at Twickenham in, er, 2 years. Get it right up ye's all the same!

France absolutely murdering England here.

tragic