no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Yeah. I think about A a lot and hope she has much better friends in her life now.

Those 3 little words "I believe you" are one of the most powerful gifts we can give a survivor.

<3 yes

im so thankful for yall, people i can discuss this with

reluctant to butt in because this is an important topic but apparently I have PCOS and the Dr was surprised I didn't already know because I was tested for it 4 years ago and was told my results were "inconclusive" but apparently they were "conclusive enough"?

I mean this doesn't really change anything because she further shrugged and said there wasn't much I could do about it except try losing weight and I had already noticed that I should lose weight thanksverymuch, so

anyway

roxy and sarahell, i'm so glad you're in a position of power in these spaces!

yes!

!!!! bloody hell, sometimes the NHS seems to try to look like an argument against 'socialized medicine'.

i dont know much about PCOS, i hope it doesnt cause you much trouble!

I <3 the NHS but there are def areas where the system doesn't work quite so well and when I see USians talking about going to see their obgyn for a routine checkup I do sometimes think "oh, if I had one of those I could ask them about ___"

roxy, nor do I tbh! I'd already noticed I had most of the major-bullet-point symptoms but not really read up on it. I'll be doing some of that now. For me atm the symptoms are mostly in the "variety of minor annoyances" category, but it does feel like I'm at war with ~hormones~ in that both my own natural ones and artificial ones seem to have different side effects and it's a matter of deciding which set I'd rather deal with and waiting for some new ones to turn up.

Doesn't PCOS cause weight gain? Telling you to lose weight seems ridiculous.

It (often) does but it is also exacerbated by weight gain or something? Which is a fun little spiral.

(perhaps if I bothered to read the factsheet the Dr sent me home with I could post something which didn't end with "or something?")

btw I'm already on androgen-regulating birth control which is the main treatment and which I got put on after my inconclusive-or-not test results, so I guess the process worked fine apart from the telling me what was going on part. there is another medication she said we could consider but noted some "unpleasant side effects" so I'm in no real rush to try that, got enough side effects already iirc

i had to google pcos but that sounds like it sucks -- i'm sorry

Oh, Spacecadet, I am sorry. This sounds like a terrible thing to be going through.

(And though doctors' bad attitudes do not help, I do have to say that there exist also doctors with shitty attitudes towards weight gain and women's health also in America's ~wonderful~ free market medical system. Sorry, I get really twitchy about about my NHS.)

Oh man yeah. Go in with strep throat, get told to lose weight, get billed $250.00.

Yeah, I have heard horror stories from my Mum, who lives in the States, about being told for years about random things, "that's caused by your weight" (basically shut up and lose weight, fatty) only to get a new doctor who says "oh, actually, you can get an operation for that". This awful stuff is everywhere.

Ouch, x2!

My usual GP (who I didn't see today) has been v. good about not mentioning my weight, but the nurse has been known to go on at me a bit. Today's GP suggested I have a weekly checkin with the nurse to discuss food diaries. Not an appealing prospect tbh. Also I just finished a big long course of CBT and would quite like not to have any more conspicuous weekly absences from work...

My mother has Crohn's and for years doctors told her "of course you have stomach pains, you're a woman".

"of course you have stomach pains, you're a woman".

omg (but not surprised)

good lord

oh man have i told the story here of my friend who suffered for years, undiagnosed, with some kind of ovarian/uterine problem (cysts or polyps + other symptoms i think, anyway it was really really bad and painful), then she saw an ENDOCRINOLOGIST, an ACTUAL DOCTOR, who told her basically that it was god's will and there was nothing to do except... pray. and this is in nz, btw, not even the US.

That doctor should lose his (I'm assuming) license to practice.

xps - yeah I know things are screwed up in different ways in the US and wouldn't for a moment give up the NHS. But the lack of access to specialists in the UK within a reasonable timeframe is a real problem, I think. Investment in the NHS (and sacking some managers) is the way to deal with this...

Yeah, I recognise that "access to specialists" can be a big problem in the NHS, you have to go through layers of faff, and time, to get to them. But the US alternative, where you can wave a wad of cash and see a specialist immediately, only works on the back of millions of people having no access to medicine at all. Which is not an acceptable alternative, when it comes down to it. Investment in the NHS is critical, but it is currently being starved of funds at the moment, with the specific intention of making it a bit shit, so that they can sell off the profitable bits of it and scrap the rest.

Anyway... sorry. BritRant over.

I know, I know. (I'm a Brit, btw). And NHS specialists would be possible to achieve without the wad-waving option if it weren't being driven into the ground.

NZ is the same - socialized healthcare is great, but prepare to wait months to see a psychiatrist or any other kind of non-GP doctor if you don't have health insurance.

*'access to NHS specialists...' xp

Oh, gurl thread I have asked a question on Style Borad I need your help with, please if there is anyone who is good with clothes & dress codes pls tell me how "me" I can get away with being.

avoid the shirt with BOOB GAP -- i totally had this problem when i wore men's dress shirts and ties, and my way around it was wearing vests

Neither shirt really has BOOB GAP; it's just the black one is specially designed with counter-boob-gap measures in the design (weird internal extra buttons.) Ties generally cover a lot of boob gap anyway.

I have mentioned this elsewhere before, but I will tell you how to fix boob-gap on button-ups: take your shirts to a tailor and have them sew it all the way up. Your shirt is now a pull-over, but you don't have boob-gap.

If you have a sewing machine you could do this yourself, too, duh

How in the hell do you get a not-stretchy broadcloth shirt on once it's sewn up?? I'd never get my arms in there!

Two sided fabric tape is my non permanent boob gap solution of choice

Indeed! Any shirt fitted enough to generate boob gap is never going to go over my head to get it on!

I am a fan of the M&S boob-gap-no-more shirt, I just wish it didn't flare out 2 inches above my hips, so I could tuck it in.

I love having female friends!!! It's an essential part of living well! I have some wonderful friends but none live in town. In the three years I have lived here, I have made two good friends. One acts like she can't ever leave her house to hang out because she has a toddler, but it's actually because she drinks +/- a fifth of booze a day and doesn't want a DUI. And if I go over, I'm on child-chasing duties. Plus I always do really impulsive, dumb stuff around her. We turn into the nest to last scene of Boogie Nights every time her kid is not around. So she's fun to hang out with but strictly a "once in a while" person.

The other has put me on freeze out. Or if she hasn't, it sure seems like it. It makes me so mad. No one gets to freeze me out! It started last summer when she'd flaked on all our hangouts, but she called me up one weekend after I decided, 'I give up, having her as a friend and always cancelling on everything is too much of an emotional rollercoaster.' I had thought I was on freeze out even back THEN. She said, "I need you to do me a favor. My friends are making a film for a class and one of their extras ditched without warning. So I was hoping you could do me a favor and play the role of a friend." "You want me to 'play the role of a friend'?" I repeated, because it was too fucked up and meta!

No matter how far in advance I make arrangements, she flakes out. But I'm always there when she needs a favor! But never on all the fun checkins on facebook, never invited along to those. So, fuck it! It's over!

I am seriously going through some five stages of grief about this. I am in ANGER right now. ANGER. I am also very calculatingly cultivating new friends. Ha!

I have a one-hour POWER HANGOUT scheduled tonight with a DIFFERENT female friend and we are planning Halloween costumes together. OH YEAH. I AM SO GOING TO GIVE HER A MANICURE TONIGHT.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I love your anger about this, that might not be my response in that situation, and yours is way healthier.

It sucks to feel like the back-up friend for someone. It sucks to feel like you are the one making all the effort and all the overtures. It sucks to feel like someone is freezing you out or just moving away from you emotionally. It's like that thing where, if you stop making the effort, does the other person move towards you and pick up the slack? If they do, congratulations, you are friends. If not... ???

I dunno. I feel like someone could really make a site which is like OKCupid, but for "finding your new BFF" and matches female friends with appropriate levels of time and commitment and childcare needs, to find someone who can be the friend that each other needs.

(I am probably the worst friend in the world, because I do cancel plans (not all the time though!) but usually when I do cancel plans, it's because it is genuinely a situation I cannot handle at that point, and I think it would be worse for the other person to have to deal with someone who was a neurotic mess, than cancel and me just spend the day in bed with pillow over head.)

I hope your power hangout manicure goes well!

i have so many things to say about this that i don't know where to begin, but typing is an insufficient substitute for irl hangouts with close female friends
it's a huge monster bummer

here's to your power hour, crabbits

God yes. I feel like I'm less of a person, more numb, because I'm so far away from my best female friends. I have one very good female friend here now who is a fellow student and she's wonderful, but having history with someone, knowing they know your history and you know theirs, means a lot to me.

Yeah none of my closest female friends live close and it makes me very sad. I made a new one this year who is awesome but I don't get to see her that often. Also, I think my best friend is trying to phase me out and it's been seriously upsetting me for months. *sigh* Hope the power hour is awesome, Abbs.

Crabbits I feel you so much on this. and I hope you manicure the shit out of yr diff female friend's nails!!!

I had a great crew of female friends back in Oz...like 2 or 3 diff circles of friends I could hang with. Moving here, after 10 years I acquired a total of 3, 1 of which is still actually a friend and the other 2 have gone by the wayside. One is a gigantic flake and doesn't even reply to emails anymore so technically not a friend since we haven't actually hung out in like a year. The other one started giving me weird vibes like I had a feeling she was kinda manic and maybe needed medication and then she tried to kill herself and went into rehab for alcohol and has become super KEEP IT POSTIVE, and I just had to quietly bow out of all the drama. The one friend I retained is also a flake but I've gotten to a point with her that I don't plan things too far in advance with her. Like I text her on Friday to have brunch on Sunday am. Or text her and say hey what are you doing do want to meet for coffee this afternoon. that works better. But she's gone back to school part time and doesnt' work and now pretty much all she talks about is omg I have to study for this exam and I have assignments to do and I'm mentally yelling YOU HAVE ONE CLASS FFS

so yeah my female friends sitch is not entirely awesome.

My problem is also compounded by my own feelings of inadequacy ie these ppl prob won't want to hang out anyway so I shouldn't be needy and bugging them about catching up all the time. Like I have never been able to shake the feeling that these people who I *know* actually like me, maybe secretly hate me. I have lots of acquaintances at work who are cool but I couldn't ever bring myself to ask them to hang out why bcz rejection hi I am a 13 yo girl

I feel for everybody, I wish you all had sister circles right nearby and within reach when you needed their support/to reinforce the conviction that we're doing this thing together.

It's that "shared history" thing which accumulates so slowly you don't really notice it happening, but when it is missing, is impossible to really replicate.

I have tried to retype this post three different times now, but can't say it without sounding like a brat. I want my friends to stop moving away, because I'm really sick of having to start this process from scratch again. I suppose this is payback for me spending the first half of my life... moving away.

my best female friend lives pretty much as far away from me as it's possible to without falling off this island :(
Incidentally, BFF's other BFF is soon to be my sis-in-law (we get on very well, so that's cool). Most of my other friends are couples where I like them both. I feel old and boring and tired all the time so don't really make the effort with anyone else.

I want my friends to stop moving away, because I'm really sick of having to start this process from scratch again.

This is not bratty! This is recognizing what you need for your well-being, and that is "community." Even if it's a community of only two or three.

“When you wake up and find yourself living someplace where there is nobody you love and trust, no community, it is time to leave town – to pack up and go (you can even go tonight). And where you need to go is any place where there are arms that can hold you, that will not let you go.”
― Bell Hooks, Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self-Recovery

That assumes that there is somewhere that you can go *to* to expect those things.

Yeah, that's true.

it's not community that i miss at all really -- it's having someone to tell secrets to, who knows my other secrets and gets why they're secret
personal life stuff that accumulates
starting that from scratch so many times already, i think i've run low on energy to keep doing it
but my old friends are far away and this just kinda seems like that time in life when people move toward family instead of friends and that sucks when you are a friend, not a family

fortunately, i'm finding it easier to be casual friends than i ever did before
that's good

it's not community that i miss at all really -- it's having someone to tell secrets to, who knows my other secrets and gets why they're secret
personal life stuff that accumulates

Imo this is what community is, it's just, like I said, a community of two. Building trust over time, pooling your (emotional) resources. But whatever anyone calls it, I'm happy for everyone who can get it for themselves.