Depression and what it's really like

Leave your phone behind btw if/when you do step out for a minute

also, if you convince yourself that it's not worth it to reach out anymore because none of your friends ever reach back, they really will stop reaching out. so don't stop.

If I had somewhere to go or someone to talk to, I would totally do that. Think I'll curl up into a ball and die instead.

ok no one is talking to you I am totally imaginary

this imaginary person cares about you

otoh if I were feeling emotionally warped that statement would exacerbate things

it's ok to have any feelings and I hope the darkness passes soon

I meant that as in more of an actual irl person that knows me and can help me through some shit.

give your wife a hug :)

it's definitely the depression talking bro

Talk to a dude at a bar

I'm worried about sunny :/

She posted on I Hate Apple thred today

idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.

a little while back, I was so bad off and had to work so early, I just took off and walked around. I had an idea I could find an open breakfast place and coffee instead of sleeping. I never found a place to eat, but i did gradually run into joggers and dog walkers and walked through sprinklers and then sat on a bench until my co-workers showed up.

I was in a version of the real world for a while and I had a good day after I overcame the delirium.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world. This is kind of a different feeling from the ones I had before. I've invested so much of my life in music and art but today I feel like it's all stupid and worthless compared to the problems humanity is facing. The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of April. I might end up cancelling that appointment and switching to a different one, though, because I found one that looks more promising/accommodating.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world.
that's weltschmerz! i know it well.

also that is good news, but don't cancel til you have the second appt

6 weeks into taking zoloft and it really feels like a monkey's off my back. I can actually step back and evaluate my thoughts/emotions, thus making CBT actually helpful (before it was, like most things, akin to swimming against a current). It's not like I feel "high" all the time or anything, I just feel pretty good and mellow. At the same time it feels like a motor in my brain started running again, I'm "getting Stuff done" but not due to my self-shaming being more effective or anything, life just feels more 'automatic' and navigable. I'm still getting used to it, like I'm afraid this period of "not feeling bad most of the time" will eventually end, maybe because I'm not used to feeling this "good" for such a relatively extended period of time.

What does it mean to be accepted?
Accepted as you are?

I am at odds.

My girlfriend and I are starting our own business. We've done some market stalls on Spitalfields, done OK. We're starting a website and we've gone to the Prince's Trust, written a business plan and next month we can apply for a start-up loan we will almost certainly get another month later and can go gung-ho at market and online. But waiting is killing her and I don't know what to do, other than be supportive and look on from the sidelines at her sadness.

She finished art school last May. Had some part-time gigs but nothing that stuck through no fault of her own. Especially after I lost my job in October, we've been increasingly poor and stuck within the same house with little to do. Every day passes and she (and I*) loses more interest in anything we can do. Her self-loathing has gone through the roof, along with some crash diets and bursts of exercise. She's stopped painting. We kind of apply for jobs, had some interviews and whatevz but also know we have to wait to do this thing that can be a success. Hell, it will be. But until then, god damn its bad. Especially knowing there is nothing to do other than sit with ourselves. Or get drunk.

I've had to deal with my own depression before but I've never been so close to someone elses. And I never really cured mine, it just kinda quieted down over time. She won't even listen to talk of anti-deps or therapy**. And while poor and waiting, I can't really help. Even if our applying for jobs were successful, we wouldn't see a paycheck until the loan came through, so it would be a shitty job during the day and these same 4 walls and the same depression during the night. I don't have or expect an answer, I just need to vent. I love her and hate seeing her unhappy.

*I've been getting down in similar ways but nowhere near her depression.
**Just saying what I've said feels like a bit of a betrayal so I won't go into any more details than this: oh yeah she's plagued by some horrific childhood/family shit too that can come back at random times.

my depression is like grating in the back of my head and is atm just a sociopathic meanness of tendency.

needs therapist and seroquel, behavior patterns (new apt, keeping clean, going to aa, "grand avenue club", responding in a noninsane manner, not talking about my hallucinations to my mother,..)

in my youth my hate was so strong, of culture, but it's a myopia of sorts. now depression seems like a being lost in a meaningless context type of thing. schizophrenia and fear of traumatic disassociation etc is another thing. sometimes you want to go to hell, other times you just do what you could

seemingness and concrete truths often bleed into one another through their edges. then another thought latches on that may or may not be realistic. being lost to one's fantasies in a post-psychiatric culture truly is not my desire.

She won't even listen to talk of anti-deps or therapy

why

ahh: it's good that at least you realize a lot of this is from your temporary circumstances and that will be resolved in time.. it's something to hold on to

I woudl nto want to go into business with my lover - seems like a bad plan - didnt work for stereolab

sorry to hear that a hoy hoy; sounds awful :(. hopefully she comes around on the therapy soon

Crazily, since I wrote it and didn't mention it at all, concessions about meds have been made.* We had a meeting at the princes trust and a bit of a cometojesus talk. Btw maybe expect a ilovefashion thread soon about our bizniz soon. It is pretty sucky waiting though.

*She has a fam history of mental disability, with one totally autistic brother that i think has molded it.

oh that's good news! not surprised on the family history, that's often the case, and i've noticed folks in my parents' generation often went undiagnosed. fairly sure my neurosis all comes from my mother.

i've finally accepted that what I've been experiencing since last November isn't merely anxiety but mild depression on top of that. my therapist, while not outright saying it, made it clear to me at this week's session by pointing out that I seem to have no sense of boundaries; that I do things I don't want to do because I let myself get bullied into them, or don't do things that I do want to do because I fear the outcome; and that she can tell I have self-esteem issues at the moment.

She's been great, actually. No platitudes or pussyfooting around, just very blunt - she's mostly theorized that I fear conflict not because I am 'too nice' as much as I fear 'losing control' in an angry moment, kind of like my father did when I grew up. I have anger management issues that I've had since childhood, and once I get pushed, can go nuclear real fast. In attempt to avoid that, instead of trying to approach the situation calmly but firmly, I just bury it...and then it leads to these unhealthy periods every so often.

the one weird thing is it's unusual for me to have these 'downer' periods when I have a good support system around me; usually they came at a period of time when I was socializing with bad friends that took advantage of me, which truly isn't the case now. I excise bad apples pretty quick these days.

things will get better - I just have to flush this bad juju out and ensure that I stand up for myself but in a way that doesn't involve me decking the dude that works at Publix for double-scanning my cheetos

I feel like most mental disorders put you at high risk for depression. I'm really not sure that depression is really the primary source of my problems - it could be anxiety or ADHD or OCD or whatever and depression is just a secondary symptom. It's very possible I'm wrong though. I'm glad that you're getting beneficial insights from therapy!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

she's mostly theorized that I fear conflict not because I am 'too nice' as much as I fear 'losing control' in an angry moment, kind of like my father did when I grew up. I have anger management issues that I've had since childhood, and once I get pushed, can go nuclear real fast. In attempt to avoid that, instead of trying to approach the situation calmly but firmly, I just bury it...and then it leads to these unhealthy periods every so often.

Fucking hell do I identify with that.

(I crossed out the bit about fathers because although my dad did have a bad temper, he wasn't really around for most of my childhood so I'm not sure how much that affected me)

Yep that sums up my issues as well, Neanderthal, right down to the father with anger issues. I'm getting really good at doing the right thing for myself, but still struggling with dealing with the anxiety that results from it. In fact, I had a troubling therapy session this week where I got so frustrated at my anxiety that I started punching my own stomach in a misguided effort to make it go away. I couldn't control the rage at all, I just wanted the anxiety gone. Thankfully these outbursts are rare, but it's showed me that I have to manage the anxiety better by not putting myself in too many situations that cause it, venting to friends, etc. Hope things go well for you, it sounds like you're on the right track.

Vinnie I cna totally relate to just getting so 'over' it that you perform aggressive acts. My tendency is to yell - which is hard to explain when you're sitting in your office in a 6 floor building. used to also break stuff. glad that you have found ways to improve coping.

The thing about my father is, at my first session when I described my childhood, I almost eyerolled when she asked me about him. I'm like "are we really going that stereotypical route?". Especially because for all intents and purposes, I had two very loving and supportive parents.

But she dug in deeper and I saw there was more to it. I remembered when, as a kid, I used to have my fingers crossed that mom would be home...and dad wouldn't be. Not because I didn't love him, but...because he got angry and yelled a lot, and sometimes for unfair reasons. He was never violent, or abusive. But he was six feet tall and he scared me with his powerful temper. It made me (and sometimes even my mother) walk on eggshells. He isn't like that anymore - he's really softened up. I didn't stand up to him until I was twenty-three. Now the power dynamic is diff cuz he owes me $3,000.

That, combined with the fact that my parents tended to go easy on us with chores/responsibilities (which made us feel coddled later on), and the incessant bullying, kind of left me paralyzed when it came to conflict. so many chips on my shoulder, that when confronted, I can outright explode (hell, read old postings I wrote here in 2007 for example of that).

it feels bad as I do love my father and I do think at times she over-emphasizes his role, but I never really thought about how his overbearing nature had to do with it. It still doesn't explain it all - my brother had the same parents and he is the complete opposite of me; a ladie's man with a lot of self-confidence (though he has similar core values to me). But it goes some way to explaining it.

Wow man, my father was the exact same. Rarely violent but yelled a lot, and mellowed as he got older which he attributed to meditation. He passed away last year but in the last five years he's been as gentle a person as I have known. Unfortunately, my issues still linger, of course. I found that poring over the past with my therapist was helpful sometimes in a) pinpointing issues and b) helping to take the blame off myself, but otherwise can be a big rabbit hole where you're trying to find causes for current issues without actually doing anything to address those issues. I'm sure the benefit varies from person to person, but both my therapist and I have had to steer each other back on track when we get too much into my past.

I don't think I really had that dynamic per se but I remember thinking as a kid that I wished my family wasn't so completely normal and conflict-free and that I'd have a reason to feel anxious/depressed/sad if there was something wrong with my family. All families have communication and emotional problems. Mine certainly did, I just didn't get it because I was too close to see.

I always hope Im not that kind of dad

I think a big-ish thing for me about therapy this time round is acknowledging that my parents were kind and loving and definitely meant the best for me but it's still OK to say that I may have picked up some bad mental habits from our interactions without needing to blame or criticise anyone

(my parents were never shoutily angry, in fact they were kind of the opposite, displays of opinion were kind of frowned upon, and if someone asks "what do you think" you'll witness the whole family desperately trying not to express any opinion that can't be retracted immediately, for fear of appearing "pushy" and/or passive aggressive grumbling later. Despite this or maybe even kinda because of this I still have angry outbursts and still cry a lot more than "normal people", like maybe crying was my one way to get acquiescence without having to disagree with anyone, and maybe I never learnt how to express annoyance in a sensible way without bottling it up then snapping and slamming doors and at least getting a reaction)

Still not sure whether ~gazing into the past~ is particularly useful as a thing, but it's been nice to acknowledge the above bcz previously I was like, this doesn't make sense, why am I such a basketcase when everyone else who's had emotional problems for as long as I have appears to have had really fucked-up childhoods?

I'm really not sure that depression is really the primary source of my problems - it could be anxiety or ADHD or OCD or whatever and depression is just a secondary symptom.

I've felt like this a lot and diagnosed myself with a lot of things, esp since for the last several years my mood's been OKish on average but I've still had a lot of trouble getting things done, feeling like I'm going nowhere, etc - I go in real circles between "I am actually just ADD/aspie/paralytically socially phobic/[long list of personality disorders and learning disabilities here] and this explains everything" and "I am none of the above and just need to get my shit together and am making excuses to externalise the blame for my life so I can justify not making the effort"

I dunno, man? my therapist conspicuously did not agree with any of my hints at the long list and agreed emphatically when I suggested the latter but on the other hand I am still a big ol' socially unacceptable dork who dresses schlubbily and had to be regularly told that various things were Just Not Done right into my 20s and probably 30s that apparently everyone else just worked out on reaching puberty, so, let's not rule out the whole of the autism spectrum just yet, I guess I'm saying

(also I am in on a Friday night and typing verbose and overly personal messages in reply to myself on the public internet, so, yeah)

well, presumably if you had any of the problems on your list, you would have to do something about them -- though probably for everyone some "diagnoses" are more appealing than others, whether because of stigma or ease of treatment

silly question, but is there any connection between dehydration and depression? cuz of the nature of my job, I often go through an entire shift forgetting to drink any water and thus had been often dehydrated (just mildly) for the last month. this weekend I finally got off my ass and went grocery shopping and have been chugging water and PowerAde all weekend and have started feeling better, not just physically, but emotionally.

I'm sure it doesn't hurt, just curious....

dehydration is certainly bad for your mental state

it's one of many things that can stress your body, and when you're tired or stressed your muscles ache and your brain doesn't work optimally

yes

thx folx

woah, ok, I tried out a new therapist today and it was ... interesting. this guy is brilliant and top of his field, and within an hour he did an amazing takedown of my issues, like seriously good shit.

but then something else happened: we were getting along pretty well, and he shows me a blog he's working on because I was talking about being a writer. in the meantime he shows me some pictures of this sex book he's writing. he shows me pictures of a post-op female-male tranny naked, and some pictures of erect penises... and then he keeps them up on his computer screen and we keep talking la de da about blogs with these pictures of erect dicks right next to it. then a little while later he asks me if I liked girls.

wtf was that??? was *this* guy hitting on me? why do I keep meeting these weird ass therapists?

seriously I just ditched one bizarro therapist, and I find one that's even more bizarro! who's actually way better at the psychology part, but damn I did not expect to see a nude transexual person and a wide array of boners today. strange stories seem to find me for some reason, I really need to start writing about this shit.

you know what, I give up, I'm just going to go full bizarro myself. we're all lunatics, aren't we.

Wow, he should be reported and you should keep looking. I gotta think there's a good one out there who's not a wierdo.

the vibe i got from this guy is that he just doesn't give a fuck anymore. clearly. my life is one long string of things like this stuff. i was born into a Soft Cell song, and apparently that is my fate