Depression and what it's really like

It just seemed really insensitive and idk it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Ugh. Life just fucking sucks, right?

always

I don't know that I'd go with "always", but 98% of the time. Happiness, though, is a bullshit lie that people make up when things always go their way.

Ease is a mite bit easier than happiness, but it requires some stretches of time when you aren't stressed out or buried under expectations, and those can be hard to come by.

I suppose that makes sense, sort of. Stress, pressure, expectations have been my entire life for the past 14 months thanks to this ridiculous work project that is all-consuming. Add that in to having absolutely no social life and no friends, well, it's easy to believe that happiness is absolute bullshit.

I hope you're clocking crazy dollars, so someday you'll have your pile of fuck-you cash.

Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.

you just gotta say 'i'm an architect' with a different attitude

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101107204132/himym/images/thumb/2/25/Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png/500px-Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png

Ted Moseby: role model for nobody

Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.

― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, March 17, 2014

i think i understand this. really hope you feel better jon.

Eh, doubt it. It just comes and goes in waves that are stronger. Sometimes I'm able to ignore the crushing depression, but I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now. It's been this way for years, don't see how it'll every change.

jfc I cannot shake this at all.

I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now.

I have felt this a lot - I think of it like an emotional hangover, you have exerted so much energy and adrenaline into fulfilling your professional obligations with the premise that "it will be over soon and things will be better" and then when the period of frenetic exertion is over, of course, things aren't magically better -- you are just left with yourself without all that work to distract you so you contemplate what's wrong with your life even more because that energy has to go somewhere ... maybe that's not what you're feeling at all

No, actually I think that pretty much nails it, for the most part. I'm just surprised that I can't shake this at all.

Half of my income comes from income tax preparation, so I am in the "insanely hellish weeks" portion of this right now

idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.

I just make an effort to have realistic expectations about "the slow times" and to take steps so that they won't be as bad, like make plans to do a handful of things in the upcoming months that I can look forward to -- whether it's with friends or just things for me that i haven't had time to do for the last month or so when i've been slammed with work

The "plans" thing is what's got me down today. I don't have any and won't have any. I have no friends, so it's just sitting alone time. I was looking forward to this craft beer event next month, but I was shut out of getting tickets. So no, nothing at all ever to look forward to, socially.

i know we've discussed this before a year or so ago, so I'm not going to give "helpful" advice, because I'd probably just be rephrasing what I said back then -- so I just want to say "I'm sorry, I remember what that feels like and it sucks"

Thanks. Not intended to fish with that. More just a statement of fact than anything else. I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.

I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.

you appear to have a good marriage, so there is at least one person who finds you likeable. And if one person does, then statistically it is likely that others would as well.

One would think. But all evidence seems to indicate otherwise.

man that is depression talking

Yeah, probably is. But it's also true. I'm scrolling through my Facebook "friends" and realized that only two people on my entire list, that I'm not related to, have made any attempt to contact me or even say "hi" in the past two years. I'm tired of reaching out and not hearing any responses.

I don't want to sound belligerent, but that is depression talking. That and maybe some flaky frenz which is just unavoidable ime, unless you have friends who are powerfully motivated by some activity like slot car racing or watching TV marathons not alone or getting fucked up on drugs. SOunds like your brain is trying nonstop to send the shitty message that you are bad and hated – so anything you experience will work as evidence for that message; very little as evidence against.

Is there anything that could get you out of the house for a bit? Change of scenery? Take that first step to NOT gazing into a self-loathing internetting abyss (game recognize game here)

Leave your phone behind btw if/when you do step out for a minute

also, if you convince yourself that it's not worth it to reach out anymore because none of your friends ever reach back, they really will stop reaching out. so don't stop.

If I had somewhere to go or someone to talk to, I would totally do that. Think I'll curl up into a ball and die instead.

ok no one is talking to you I am totally imaginary

this imaginary person cares about you

otoh if I were feeling emotionally warped that statement would exacerbate things

it's ok to have any feelings and I hope the darkness passes soon

I meant that as in more of an actual irl person that knows me and can help me through some shit.

give your wife a hug :)

it's definitely the depression talking bro

Talk to a dude at a bar

I'm worried about sunny :/

She posted on I Hate Apple thred today

idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.

a little while back, I was so bad off and had to work so early, I just took off and walked around. I had an idea I could find an open breakfast place and coffee instead of sleeping. I never found a place to eat, but i did gradually run into joggers and dog walkers and walked through sprinklers and then sat on a bench until my co-workers showed up.

I was in a version of the real world for a while and I had a good day after I overcame the delirium.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world. This is kind of a different feeling from the ones I had before. I've invested so much of my life in music and art but today I feel like it's all stupid and worthless compared to the problems humanity is facing. The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of April. I might end up cancelling that appointment and switching to a different one, though, because I found one that looks more promising/accommodating.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world.
that's weltschmerz! i know it well.

also that is good news, but don't cancel til you have the second appt

6 weeks into taking zoloft and it really feels like a monkey's off my back. I can actually step back and evaluate my thoughts/emotions, thus making CBT actually helpful (before it was, like most things, akin to swimming against a current). It's not like I feel "high" all the time or anything, I just feel pretty good and mellow. At the same time it feels like a motor in my brain started running again, I'm "getting Stuff done" but not due to my self-shaming being more effective or anything, life just feels more 'automatic' and navigable. I'm still getting used to it, like I'm afraid this period of "not feeling bad most of the time" will eventually end, maybe because I'm not used to feeling this "good" for such a relatively extended period of time.

What does it mean to be accepted?
Accepted as you are?

I am at odds.

My girlfriend and I are starting our own business. We've done some market stalls on Spitalfields, done OK. We're starting a website and we've gone to the Prince's Trust, written a business plan and next month we can apply for a start-up loan we will almost certainly get another month later and can go gung-ho at market and online. But waiting is killing her and I don't know what to do, other than be supportive and look on from the sidelines at her sadness.

She finished art school last May. Had some part-time gigs but nothing that stuck through no fault of her own. Especially after I lost my job in October, we've been increasingly poor and stuck within the same house with little to do. Every day passes and she (and I*) loses more interest in anything we can do. Her self-loathing has gone through the roof, along with some crash diets and bursts of exercise. She's stopped painting. We kind of apply for jobs, had some interviews and whatevz but also know we have to wait to do this thing that can be a success. Hell, it will be. But until then, god damn its bad. Especially knowing there is nothing to do other than sit with ourselves. Or get drunk.

I've had to deal with my own depression before but I've never been so close to someone elses. And I never really cured mine, it just kinda quieted down over time. She won't even listen to talk of anti-deps or therapy**. And while poor and waiting, I can't really help. Even if our applying for jobs were successful, we wouldn't see a paycheck until the loan came through, so it would be a shitty job during the day and these same 4 walls and the same depression during the night. I don't have or expect an answer, I just need to vent. I love her and hate seeing her unhappy.

*I've been getting down in similar ways but nowhere near her depression.
**Just saying what I've said feels like a bit of a betrayal so I won't go into any more details than this: oh yeah she's plagued by some horrific childhood/family shit too that can come back at random times.

my depression is like grating in the back of my head and is atm just a sociopathic meanness of tendency.

needs therapist and seroquel, behavior patterns (new apt, keeping clean, going to aa, "grand avenue club", responding in a noninsane manner, not talking about my hallucinations to my mother,..)

in my youth my hate was so strong, of culture, but it's a myopia of sorts. now depression seems like a being lost in a meaningless context type of thing. schizophrenia and fear of traumatic disassociation etc is another thing. sometimes you want to go to hell, other times you just do what you could

seemingness and concrete truths often bleed into one another through their edges. then another thought latches on that may or may not be realistic. being lost to one's fantasies in a post-psychiatric culture truly is not my desire.

She won't even listen to talk of anti-deps or therapy

why

ahh: it's good that at least you realize a lot of this is from your temporary circumstances and that will be resolved in time.. it's something to hold on to