Depression and what it's really like

i've dealt with the intrusive thoughts thing, most recently when i was staying at my dad's 52nd floor apartment and couldn't sleep because i kept imagining what it would be like to fall from that height. it's the worst thing ever and i hope you are able to move past this zachlyon.

io: haha. i know! i wish i knew what happens after that. to clarify, the thoughts are never me doing things, it's always just things happening without explanation. or things having already happened without explanation. opening a door and finding a body in a certain way etc. or general car crash anxiety which i've never had before. it is essentially the worst things my mind can think of right now (they're never regarding people i don't give a shit about). i need a doctor and i need pills, as i've known for a long time, but i won't be able to see him for a couple weeks and my insurance is going to run dry in a few months anyway sooooo. but it probably won't be this bad tomorrow, and talking about it tends to help (instead of thinking about the horrible things, i think about talking about the horrible things, at least for a few days)

thanks treezy

brains are the fucking worst, but the pills make me slow at least

hey sunny, please check in so i know that you haven't butchered your family or anything. that would be a disappointing turn of events

That's a really fucking stupid thing to say.

I just restarted Zoloft after two years off. Last week when I was being treated for diverticulitis I seriously considered eating half a bottle of Oxycodone. I really need a therapist.

I think diverticulitis is enough of an excuse for bad feelings!

yeesh. obviously i'm speaking out of camaraderie here

It just seemed really insensitive and idk it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Ugh. Life just fucking sucks, right?

always

I don't know that I'd go with "always", but 98% of the time. Happiness, though, is a bullshit lie that people make up when things always go their way.

Ease is a mite bit easier than happiness, but it requires some stretches of time when you aren't stressed out or buried under expectations, and those can be hard to come by.

I suppose that makes sense, sort of. Stress, pressure, expectations have been my entire life for the past 14 months thanks to this ridiculous work project that is all-consuming. Add that in to having absolutely no social life and no friends, well, it's easy to believe that happiness is absolute bullshit.

I hope you're clocking crazy dollars, so someday you'll have your pile of fuck-you cash.

Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.

you just gotta say 'i'm an architect' with a different attitude

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101107204132/himym/images/thumb/2/25/Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png/500px-Ted_mosby_architect_-_ted_flirts.png

Ted Moseby: role model for nobody

Riiight. I'm an architect, so, basically no. I mean, I have my wife and son and I'm ever thankful for them, but I'm tired of not having any other outlet. It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with when my wife and son are visiting relatives or have other plans, instead of sitting home along all the time. But, whatever, I'm apparently a huge fucking freak or asshole or something since no one ever wants to hang out with me.

― an enormous bolus of flatulence (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, March 17, 2014

i think i understand this. really hope you feel better jon.

Eh, doubt it. It just comes and goes in waves that are stronger. Sometimes I'm able to ignore the crushing depression, but I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now. It's been this way for years, don't see how it'll every change.

jfc I cannot shake this at all.

I'm in a slow week after three insanely hellish weeks so its really hitting me hard now.

I have felt this a lot - I think of it like an emotional hangover, you have exerted so much energy and adrenaline into fulfilling your professional obligations with the premise that "it will be over soon and things will be better" and then when the period of frenetic exertion is over, of course, things aren't magically better -- you are just left with yourself without all that work to distract you so you contemplate what's wrong with your life even more because that energy has to go somewhere ... maybe that's not what you're feeling at all

No, actually I think that pretty much nails it, for the most part. I'm just surprised that I can't shake this at all.

Half of my income comes from income tax preparation, so I am in the "insanely hellish weeks" portion of this right now

idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.

I just make an effort to have realistic expectations about "the slow times" and to take steps so that they won't be as bad, like make plans to do a handful of things in the upcoming months that I can look forward to -- whether it's with friends or just things for me that i haven't had time to do for the last month or so when i've been slammed with work

The "plans" thing is what's got me down today. I don't have any and won't have any. I have no friends, so it's just sitting alone time. I was looking forward to this craft beer event next month, but I was shut out of getting tickets. So no, nothing at all ever to look forward to, socially.

i know we've discussed this before a year or so ago, so I'm not going to give "helpful" advice, because I'd probably just be rephrasing what I said back then -- so I just want to say "I'm sorry, I remember what that feels like and it sucks"

Thanks. Not intended to fish with that. More just a statement of fact than anything else. I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.

I'm hoping if I can just eventually wrap my head around the fact that I'm a deeply, deeply unlikable person and that I will never have friends, maybe someday I'll be happy again.

you appear to have a good marriage, so there is at least one person who finds you likeable. And if one person does, then statistically it is likely that others would as well.

One would think. But all evidence seems to indicate otherwise.

man that is depression talking

Yeah, probably is. But it's also true. I'm scrolling through my Facebook "friends" and realized that only two people on my entire list, that I'm not related to, have made any attempt to contact me or even say "hi" in the past two years. I'm tired of reaching out and not hearing any responses.

I don't want to sound belligerent, but that is depression talking. That and maybe some flaky frenz which is just unavoidable ime, unless you have friends who are powerfully motivated by some activity like slot car racing or watching TV marathons not alone or getting fucked up on drugs. SOunds like your brain is trying nonstop to send the shitty message that you are bad and hated – so anything you experience will work as evidence for that message; very little as evidence against.

Is there anything that could get you out of the house for a bit? Change of scenery? Take that first step to NOT gazing into a self-loathing internetting abyss (game recognize game here)

Leave your phone behind btw if/when you do step out for a minute

also, if you convince yourself that it's not worth it to reach out anymore because none of your friends ever reach back, they really will stop reaching out. so don't stop.

If I had somewhere to go or someone to talk to, I would totally do that. Think I'll curl up into a ball and die instead.

ok no one is talking to you I am totally imaginary

this imaginary person cares about you

otoh if I were feeling emotionally warped that statement would exacerbate things

it's ok to have any feelings and I hope the darkness passes soon

I meant that as in more of an actual irl person that knows me and can help me through some shit.

give your wife a hug :)

it's definitely the depression talking bro

Talk to a dude at a bar

I'm worried about sunny :/

She posted on I Hate Apple thred today

idk if you've tried this and god knows this is advice that's been given before i'm sure but when i'm feeling blue i like to go out at the crack of dawn for a solid 90 minute hike or 45 minute run, for me at least it gets things moving again and the hellos and smiles i get from folks (bc everyone at that time is in a good mood for some reason) tend to brighten me up a bit.

a little while back, I was so bad off and had to work so early, I just took off and walked around. I had an idea I could find an open breakfast place and coffee instead of sleeping. I never found a place to eat, but i did gradually run into joggers and dog walkers and walked through sprinklers and then sat on a bench until my co-workers showed up.

I was in a version of the real world for a while and I had a good day after I overcame the delirium.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world. This is kind of a different feeling from the ones I had before. I've invested so much of my life in music and art but today I feel like it's all stupid and worthless compared to the problems humanity is facing. The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of April. I might end up cancelling that appointment and switching to a different one, though, because I found one that looks more promising/accommodating.

I've been having a horrible crushing feeling today about how shitty and fucked up and traumatic everything is in the world.
that's weltschmerz! i know it well.

also that is good news, but don't cancel til you have the second appt

6 weeks into taking zoloft and it really feels like a monkey's off my back. I can actually step back and evaluate my thoughts/emotions, thus making CBT actually helpful (before it was, like most things, akin to swimming against a current). It's not like I feel "high" all the time or anything, I just feel pretty good and mellow. At the same time it feels like a motor in my brain started running again, I'm "getting Stuff done" but not due to my self-shaming being more effective or anything, life just feels more 'automatic' and navigable. I'm still getting used to it, like I'm afraid this period of "not feeling bad most of the time" will eventually end, maybe because I'm not used to feeling this "good" for such a relatively extended period of time.