The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History

thread is fuckin mint

Noel sat up from the vaseline-filled coffin, gasping for air. He coughed and spluttered, trying to wipe petroleum jelly off his face and out of his eyes.

"Fuckin' hell," he said.

He attempted to clamber out of the coffin, still half-blinded by petroleum jelly. The coffin tipped over and it fell onto the floor upside down, trapping Noel inside. He panicked and started to thrash around, vision and senses blinded.

Then the coffin was lifted off him.

Noel, weakened by the shock and surprise and effort, lay limply as someone quickly wiped the vaseline off his head with a towel, and then set about scooping away the goo from his natty polyester suit.

Noel opened his eyes.

"Ah!" said Kryten from Red Dwarf. "I see Sir has finished rebooting."

Noel stared at the angular latex face, so familiar and beloved by millions of thirty-year-old men who occasionally watch Dave. He frowned. "What the fuck is going on?" he demanded.

"Well," said Kryten, and then the comedy android's head was blown apart by a well-aimed shot from Clarence Boddicker.

Boddicker aimed his shotgun at Noel. "Okay, mothercrusher," he said, the second word sounding oddly dubbed. "I'm giving you to the count of three to get the heck out of my branch of Halfords."

Noel struggled to his feet, took a step and then fell into a display of sat navs.

"One..."

Noel staggered up again, walked a few more steps, lost balance, and went flying over some BMX bikes.

"Two..."

Noel realised he wasn't going to be able to walk or run, so he opted to crawl as fast as he could. In a blind panic, he raced on hands and knees through the doors and set off the security alarm.

"What?! What is this baloney?" cried Boddicker. "You stupid, stinking mothercrushing thief!" Noel suddenly noticed that he had somehow unconsciously stolen a pile of tyres, which were tied to his back with string.

Boddicker ran after Noel, screaming, gun firing wildly...

I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in....It lit up green when he had a drag of it.

funny how Noel failed to foresee one of the defining totems of Underclass 2014

who is the US Noel Gallagher I wonder

― BIG MUFFIN (gbx), Monday, November 8, 2010 10:19 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark

KANYE

― kanellos (gbx), Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:18 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Turns out Noel's a big fan of Yeezus:

I was at a party quite soon after that, and that track "Black Skinhead" came on. I didn't know who it was – like I said, I'm not wised up on that kind of shit. I was like, "What the fucking hell is this?" And turns out it's off that new album. So I got the album, and it's fucking great. I really like it. Particularly that track – it's fucking out there, do you know what I mean? It's got a great low-fi, punk vibe to it.

Not as much of a fan of Miley Cyrus though:

It's just embarrassing. Be good. Don't be outrageous. Anybody can be outrageous! I could go to the Rolling Stone office and fucking shit on top of a boiled egg, right? And people would go, "Wow, fucking hell, that's outrageous!" But is it any good? No, because, essentially, it's just a shit on top of a boiled egg.

Apparently Lady Gaga is doing something similar:

Lady Gaga for me is all about that first album, because my daughter and my wife loved it. I've never heard of her since. What does that say? That speaks volumes, to me. She's another one. In fact, she's probably doing a shit on top of a boiled egg right now. And somebody will fucking freeze it and call it art.

to sum up: many people were shitting on boiled eggs in 2013

Rolling 2013 Shitting On Boiled Eggs Bobbins

http://i57.tinypic.com/33upy1i.jpg

fuck, is q still going?

"catfish & the bottlemen"

surprising prominence given to "29 PAGES OF REVIEWS" as if it that doesn't sound like being slowly killed with a hammer.

SPACE JAZZ

but mostly "I wonder what Weller's doing right now"

"How many pints have I drank in my entire life?"

"More than 100 anyway... it were definitely more than 100."

"Would love a pint now, whenever this bloody photo shoot is done."

"Liam."

Noel Gallagher has been offered free lager for life.
Tennent's Lager has vowed to construct a bar within the 'Cigarettes and Alcohol' hitmaker's home and fill it with the beverage whenever he feels like downing a pint after he described the drink as the ''best beer in the world''.
Jane Cannon, marketing manager for Tennent's Lager, said: ''Some might say it's the ultimate rock and roll gift for Noel - his very own bar, which will always be fully stocked.
''We've nicknamed it the 'Lager Supernova' and I'm sure it will help to host more than a few epic parties once it's installed.''
The company is planning to install a 'Live Forever' hotline next to the bar so the 'Champagne Supernova' star can ring in at any time to request more lager.

vowed.

imagine if your job was to be on the other end of that phone

i will install a bar in noel gallagher's house....in this life or the next

Wow he has extremely poor taste in beer.

not the first time noel gallagher's been connected to a vastly popular product which is also total shite

"We live in crazy times where the music on the radio is so bland and safe, and you turn on the news and it's so horrific, like videos of people getting burned in cages and fucking shit like that. It used to be the other way round: the news was Neil Kinnock, Tony Blair, whatever, and the radio was 'Bittersweet Symphony', 'Get Your Rocks Off', 'Supersonic'."

http://thequietus.com/articles/17242-noel-gallagher-high-flying-birds-interview

i think he's being hard on himself there, listening to Supersonic isn't that much like being burned alive in a cage.

oisis

Tennents .Pasteurised, bland shite.

I detect bedfellows

Rocks and Supersonic roughly contemporaneous w Rwandan genocide iirc

+ Yugoslavia. I'd assume he just didn't see any news in the 90s but wasn't he on that War Child album?

kind of need a thread for ageing musicians who just happen to think music was a lot better back when they were relevant.

corollary tho for music writers that are only interested in the next 16 yr old. seems a pairing of groups that must ever circle each other warily and tbh ilm would be a lot better of ignoring them both and carrying on with whatever ilm was going to do before it got distracted. another poll I suppose.

top marks for oisis obv nick

corollary tho for music writers that are only interested in the next 16 yr old.

is there really a pandemic of these creatures?

we might even have one or two on this very board!

can't imagine why journalists would be interested in current trends

not journalists. music writers.

Stop ruining this beautiful thread.

lol darragh otm

Do you have a favorite Seinfeld episode?

I was watching "The Summer of George" last night. That's pretty fucking good. The one where George starts doing the opposite — that's a good one.

his appearance on motd2 was next-level grim. saying 'the brodge' over and over again followed with a little beady-eyed smirk, everyone in the studio force-roaring with laughter like he'd just burped gold. like he's the CEO's spoilt child, humour him or else. awful small-minded unfunny man, gives off the vibe that he truly believes he could forge a new career as a stand-up comedian if only he could be bothered. baffling how he's got this reputation as a scathing wit - hasn't said anything truly witty in years and even then that 'man soup fork' line is only 5/10 on the smarts scale

Shit interview on RTE last weekend although the guy interviewing him wasn't much better

http://thetalkhouse.com/music/talks/luke-haines-the-auteurs-black-box-recorder-talks-noel-gallagher-and-the-scourge-of-dad-rock/

From one curmugeonly retrogressive has-been to another.

Luke isn't one for self reflection.

https://twitter.com/damianjones1/status/658957091319738372

poignant

lonely guy thinking baout Bono

Esquire UK cover story

Radiohead? When do people listen to them? Is it when they go out, or is it when they come in? Because I’m struggling to think.

I tell you what I think about Liam and this is just an opinion. He would fucking aggressively disagree. He was rightly put up there as this fucking huge rock star but he didn’t write a note, not a word. From my perspective I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel about the mania surrounding us, and you knowing in your fucking soul that you were responsible for really wearing the clothes.

Morning Glory was slated when it came out. And then when it became the biggest thing ever – and I’ve been told this by two editors – they thought, “We’re not going to be caught out next time.” And they lauded Be Here Now, which was clearly a shit fucking album, full of fat fucking rock stars, and then they got caught out again. And they never forgave us. They were just like, “Wankers. We can’t fucking get on it.”

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Fame’s wasted on these cunts today. Bar Kanye. You watch him on the MTV Awards and you think, “You can fucking stay, you’re alright.”

i genuinely love the excess of BHN.
its just so one dimensional in its love for widescreen imax sonic overload.
the fact that its main creator is now in denial about its coked up brilliance makes me think it could be the best oasis album ever.

i'll rep for My Big Mouth. nowt else. i wonder if somebody could do a decent remix of the whole thing and take all the screeee off it.

id gone off oasis by the time bhn came out and entirely for superficial, non-musical reasons (i was a teenager, oasis were ubiquitous, and weren't cool). despite this i listened to the album because if it was as good as the previous two i would've said f being cool and listened to it. it's awful. d'you know what i mean as lead single, urgh

mark e otm

kevin shields remix, add more screeee

due to my own personal emo connection i have not heard BHN in a very long time.
so, i have just listened to it on my upgraded hi-fi.
its even better/madder than i remembered.
the excess is insane, and the floorstanders reveal so much more.
there is not a second of sonic space in the mix.
i think i love it even more now.
could this be the last massive budget album ever ?