WORLD'S OLDEST PERSON!!!!

that doesn't really make for much of a story though

Breaking: Oldest Person in the World Always Bragging About Age, Doesn't Understand They're Simply Lucky, and is Full of Shit

lol

funny tho how the worlds oldest person never chows down on bacon and cheese like

in a parallel universe the oldest person in the world brags that they smoke every day and drink heavily and it never affected them, and the world takes them seriously and everyone starts drinking and smoking constantly in an effort to live longer. strict global regulations go into effect mandating heavy drinking and smoking, and the first causalities are the people who can't hold their liquor and are immediately disappeared by the govt. over the years liver and lung cancer rates skyrocket but no one is willing to admit the mistake. the new oldest person in the world is 74 and addresses a massive tv audience in a room that's so smoky that she's practically invisible. her poisoned raspy voice brags

also in this parallel world the Big One actually happened and the bragging old tyrant lives on the Island of California. The Island of California!!

ppl that develop tolerance to these new conditions will eventually beat the diseases, it's the only way

http://i.imgur.com/wnQYr7D.jpg

"oops I lost my birth certificate ¯(°_o)/¯" ~ 127-year-old Leandra Becerra Lumbreras, the oldest person to have ever lived

Family say secrets to her long life are lots of sleep, keeping active, singing to relatives and eating sweets.

And the birthday girl's secret to a long life is eating well, chewing on chocolate, sleeping for days on end and never getting married, according to her family.

OLDEST PEOPLE STILL FULL OF SHIT.

I want to know how your life is miserable, oldest person. Riddle me that oldest person.

114 yr old digestive system obv

Some day an interviewer will ask the same old inane question of an extremely old person, "to what do you attribute the secret of your living so long" and the extremely old person will answer, "go away, you're an idiot". Some sweet day, I can feel it coming.

"The secret is to have been born an extremely long time ago."

I don't know if it's going to suck or not when the World's Oldest Person is all hep and meta and self-aware of the century-old narrative of being the World's Oldest Person and answers back to the reporter, "Oh, you know. Smoke weed every day, drink a gallon of bleach once a year and keep pullin' on that pork -- amirite? *winks at camera, dies*"

the only reason to become very old is to take pleasure in fulfilling the lifelong goal to really tell off an inept journalist who asks stupid quesitons

Weird to think that for me, that person won't be born until 2070 or so.

if they even still have journalists then, haha amirite? *winks, dies*

you 2070'er why i oughtta, you weren't even there for the great space rebellion of the 2060s, why i'm so old i was old then and i'm old now, i'm ooooooold and miserable and you don't even know how to ask good questions

wait, this chick is a full 5 years older than the previous oldest person ever?? i am skeptical

no spring chick

yeah, the odds that she's actually 127 are vanishingly small. dubious 120+-year-old claims like hers make the news several times a year (like the amazing 123-year old Bolivian man and the amazing 126-year-old Brazilian man) without amounting to anything. almost all of them come from countries with poor or nonexistent birth documentation where the government makes little effort to keep track of its citizens' ages. this lady has a government ID card from 2009 that says she was born in 1887, but who's to say that she didn't add 15 or 20 years to her age (possibly using the identity of her mother or older sister) so that she'd be eligible for a pension earlier in life? now that she's reached a record-breaking age, it's too late to change her story, and her local government and media are unlikely question her claim because they stand to benefit from the publicity.

it's possible that the real world's oldest person is some 118-year-old from a developing nation who doesn't have any records to back up their claim, but Guinness isn't going to verify their age just because they "seem honest".

tl;dr this lady is probably 105-ish years old but she is FULL OF SHIT and she needs an internet person like me to put her in her place

They'll just have to count the growth rings in her femur after she dies.

there are a bunch of premier league football players who are older than that woman but passed off as being 28

tick.jpg

Q: what's the secret
A: come closer
Q: *leans forward*
A: closer
Q: *scoots forward*
A: *farts loudly* hahahahaha

Q: Tell me the secret!
A: You must squeeeeeeeeeze the life out of the lemon *pees and dies*

RIP Ethel Lang (the last surviving British person born during Victoria's reign)

Sounds like a mostly reasonable oldest person. Attributes long life to not smoking and drinking. Not some bullshit like eating chocolate before bed and singing to relatives. RIP reasonable oldest person.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/20/secret-to-long-life-avoiding-men_n_6508870.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

This oldest person is probably on to something. At least with the avoiding men part, her goddamn porridge hasn't done anything.

More old person full of shit.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/15/world/raw-eggs-and-no-husband-since-38-keep-her-young-at-115.html

Secret to long life, raw eggs and misandry.

Also in today's NYT, the downside to longevity: Germany: Man, 93, Is Charged as Accessory in Auschwitz Murders

sj cru heading for hte eggs section as we speak huh

secret to long life, participation in genocide :(

get yr hits in first kinda thing

that case has come up a few times. idk was it ever confirmed/not that he'd p much had v little option for survival than to join, or was it that he was one of v few survivors from his village of the holodomor. idk, maybe all this is exactly what one would expect a former deathcamp guard to say on his deathbed too.

can't wait till i'm the world's oldest person so i can finally make this reference

http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/content/lists/newspaper/news_064.jpg

That makes three articles itt that mention avoiding marriage/men. This must be the secret.

oh well.

Many of them were married at one point though, they just are so old they outlived their husbands but then were told old to snag another.

Misao Okawa turns 117

http://i.imgur.com/FurqRJO.jpg

that's an impressive age — she's the 5th oldest person of all time, the oldest Japanese person of all time, and the first person to reach age 117 since the 1990s.

Not aware of any secret. Respectable oldest person.

she was in her 90s when i was born

Asked for the secret of her longevity, she joked, "I wonder about that too!"

Born on 5th March 1898 in Tenma, she has previously said the key to a long life is eating sushi and getting at least eight hours sleep a night.

^hoping this is reasonable by Jeff's standards

those two things seem potentially true, unlike most of the b.s. supercentenarians say on that topic. i think they don't want people to live as long as them, and bump them off the list, so they give misleading advice

sounds great tbh xp

Alexander Imich (who was briefly the world's oldest man) had an extremely complicated 'secret':

http://www.lef.org/magazine/2008/10/Alexander-Imich/Page-01

i.e. calorie restriction, healthy diet, exercise, a happy marriage, a goal-oriented life, curiosity, optimism, good genes, a steady routine, and the following supplements:

vitamins: A, C, D, E, B1, B2, B6, and B12; minerals: calcium, magnesium, zinc, selenium, copper, manganese, and chromium; and supplements: inositol, ginger, phosphatidylcholine, bromelain, milk thistle seed extract, grape seed extract, flaxseed lignan, ellagic acid, bilberry extract, olive leaf extract, apple polyphenol, bromelain, lutein, panthetine, lycopene, sulforaphane, resveratrol, zeaxanthin, sunflower seeds, coenzyme Q10, garlic, mangosteen, pomegranate, noni complex, ashwagandha, hyaluronic acid, glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate, seaweed vegetable complex, and turmeric extract

of all the oldest people I've read about, he's the only one who credited his old age to modern life extension techniques. most supercentenarians lead healthy but more-or-less unremarkable lifestyles.

Misao and her older sister

http://i.imgur.com/aQC2QBT.jpg

in 1900.

And whoa, here she is in 1972.

http://i.imgur.com/1abosjf.jpg

Maybe I made that last one up.