The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History

Matts own brand of churlishness is more a sligo thing ime but it takes all sorts

more like hurlishness

Hurling (Sport)

recently learned that a friend of mine sent a friend of mine a story about noel g over a series of text messages a while bqck, inspired I think partly by this thread (which i'd once mentioned for some reason). i now c&p it here, prob against his wishes, in its spiritual home for posterity -

Noel Gallagher knocked the ash of his Cuban cigar on to the marble floor and took another swig of cab sav. This is fookin' rubbish, he grunted, waving his wine glass at the canvas in front of him, a semi-abstract portrait of an old man playing solitaire. Where's the fookin' balls? Bang some balls on that and then we're talking. The artist, a small Japanese woman with glasses, smiled at him and bowed. Thank you, Gallagher san, she said.

Gallagher sneered and slouched over to the next work, the attentive crowd of students following behind him in silence. This time the painting was a watercolour miniature of Morrissey reading the Independent, a cup of tea in his hand. Gallagher scrutinised it carefully. Slowly, he began to nod his head. This one's shite too, he declared, thoughtfully. But it's not as shite as the others. A teenage boy in the crowd fainted with pride.

As the other students rushed to revive their fallen comrade, Gallagher stalked across the gallery in the direction of the gift shop. I need some fookin' moogs, he muttered. And a fookin' throw pillow with an owl on. He passed a man dressed in the uniform of a security guard. Excuse me sir--began the man, but Gallagher waved him away. In his hurry to acquire art-related houseware, he failed to recognise the face of his former nemesis. Tony Blair.

Noel bought two mugs with his face on and a latte. He sat down in the gallery cafe, took out his iPhone 5 and composed a text to Damien Hirst. Art was wank. Drinking a coffee. Fuck off m8. He despatched the text with a mischievous smile. Thirty seconds later he received a reply. M8 ur cock is sml & shit. Noel laughed. Gd 1 m8. He wrote. Now fuck off. Tony Blair watched from the shadows, grinning maniacally.

At first Noel didn't notice the figure limping towards him. Then he noticed it but didn't care. Finally he noticed and said Fuck off. But it was too late for that. Tony Blair reached into the pocket of his blazer and pulled out a knife. Will you sign this? he asked.

Is this an original? asked Noel as he inscribed his world-famous 'Noel Cock'n'Balls' logo on the razor sharp blade of the weapon. Yes, replied Tony Blair. It's my favourite piece of yours. I've always wondered how you thought of it. Noel shrugged and picked his nose. I just bought a knife one day and thought: this is mint. It's like...art. I see, said Tony Blair. Amazing.

I also really like Champagne Supernova, continued the former PM. The lyrics are so surreal. Yeah, agreed Noel. I copied them off the wall of a public toilet. I just thought...fuck. That's mint. He took another sip of his latte and belched. Tony Blair began to hum Champagne Supernova. Noel nodded.

Gradually, Tony Blair began to insert odd lyrics into his humming. Doo doo do da nova doo da sky, he murmured. Noel, smiling, began to beat time on his coffee cup with a teaspoon. Gaining confidence, Tony Blair burst fully into song. Suddenly there were dozens, hundreds of people in the cafe, surrounding Noel, singing along to his greatest work.

It was at this point that Noel began to be lifted up into the heavens. The process was almost imperceptible at first: a few whisps of pure white smoke gathering at his feet, curling gently around the soiled cuffs of his Levis, the mingled voices of the congregation rising to an ecstatic roar.

"There are no characters left in the music business. When we first started going there was a healthy percentage of people, and we were all dirt-kickers from council estates, and we all couldn’t believe our luck that we were at the Brits. You go in now and everybody is a careerist. It’s very corporate, and you know what I’ve actually seen people doing at the Brits? Eating. I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in. I had to say to him: ‘Really? Really? Is that where you are at? Do me a favour mate, either have a proper one outside, or don’t have one.’ It lit up green when he had a drag of it. Nonsense. He said that immortal line – ‘Oh you know how it is mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry mate, I actually don’t.’

Gallagher continued his outspoken views on the ceremony, calling the night "instantly forgettable" and rallying against young people who wear hats. "It was an instantly forgettable night," said Gallagher. "There was nothing going on at the Brits, there was nothing going on at the aftershow parties. There seemed to be a lot of young people in hats, with iPhones. They’re either all involved in some massive video game that they’re all hooked up to, or they’re just texting each other saying ‘Where are you, what are you doing?’ And they’ve all got hats. Where did the hat come from? We’re going back to some Dickensian nightmare. I don’t understand it. People with hats and Blackberrys under the age of 30 should be shot. Or stoned to death."

– ‘Oh you know how it is mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry mate, I actually don’t.’ -

someone posted what I posted itt about a year ago but w/e

thread is fuckin mint

Noel sat up from the vaseline-filled coffin, gasping for air. He coughed and spluttered, trying to wipe petroleum jelly off his face and out of his eyes.

"Fuckin' hell," he said.

He attempted to clamber out of the coffin, still half-blinded by petroleum jelly. The coffin tipped over and it fell onto the floor upside down, trapping Noel inside. He panicked and started to thrash around, vision and senses blinded.

Then the coffin was lifted off him.

Noel, weakened by the shock and surprise and effort, lay limply as someone quickly wiped the vaseline off his head with a towel, and then set about scooping away the goo from his natty polyester suit.

Noel opened his eyes.

"Ah!" said Kryten from Red Dwarf. "I see Sir has finished rebooting."

Noel stared at the angular latex face, so familiar and beloved by millions of thirty-year-old men who occasionally watch Dave. He frowned. "What the fuck is going on?" he demanded.

"Well," said Kryten, and then the comedy android's head was blown apart by a well-aimed shot from Clarence Boddicker.

Boddicker aimed his shotgun at Noel. "Okay, mothercrusher," he said, the second word sounding oddly dubbed. "I'm giving you to the count of three to get the heck out of my branch of Halfords."

Noel struggled to his feet, took a step and then fell into a display of sat navs.

"One..."

Noel staggered up again, walked a few more steps, lost balance, and went flying over some BMX bikes.

"Two..."

Noel realised he wasn't going to be able to walk or run, so he opted to crawl as fast as he could. In a blind panic, he raced on hands and knees through the doors and set off the security alarm.

"What?! What is this baloney?" cried Boddicker. "You stupid, stinking mothercrushing thief!" Noel suddenly noticed that he had somehow unconsciously stolen a pile of tyres, which were tied to his back with string.

Boddicker ran after Noel, screaming, gun firing wildly...

I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in....It lit up green when he had a drag of it.

funny how Noel failed to foresee one of the defining totems of Underclass 2014

who is the US Noel Gallagher I wonder

― BIG MUFFIN (gbx), Monday, November 8, 2010 10:19 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark

KANYE

― kanellos (gbx), Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:18 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Turns out Noel's a big fan of Yeezus:

I was at a party quite soon after that, and that track "Black Skinhead" came on. I didn't know who it was – like I said, I'm not wised up on that kind of shit. I was like, "What the fucking hell is this?" And turns out it's off that new album. So I got the album, and it's fucking great. I really like it. Particularly that track – it's fucking out there, do you know what I mean? It's got a great low-fi, punk vibe to it.

Not as much of a fan of Miley Cyrus though:

It's just embarrassing. Be good. Don't be outrageous. Anybody can be outrageous! I could go to the Rolling Stone office and fucking shit on top of a boiled egg, right? And people would go, "Wow, fucking hell, that's outrageous!" But is it any good? No, because, essentially, it's just a shit on top of a boiled egg.

Apparently Lady Gaga is doing something similar:

Lady Gaga for me is all about that first album, because my daughter and my wife loved it. I've never heard of her since. What does that say? That speaks volumes, to me. She's another one. In fact, she's probably doing a shit on top of a boiled egg right now. And somebody will fucking freeze it and call it art.

to sum up: many people were shitting on boiled eggs in 2013

Rolling 2013 Shitting On Boiled Eggs Bobbins

http://i57.tinypic.com/33upy1i.jpg

fuck, is q still going?

"catfish & the bottlemen"

surprising prominence given to "29 PAGES OF REVIEWS" as if it that doesn't sound like being slowly killed with a hammer.

SPACE JAZZ

but mostly "I wonder what Weller's doing right now"

"How many pints have I drank in my entire life?"

"More than 100 anyway... it were definitely more than 100."

"Would love a pint now, whenever this bloody photo shoot is done."

"Liam."

Noel Gallagher has been offered free lager for life.
Tennent's Lager has vowed to construct a bar within the 'Cigarettes and Alcohol' hitmaker's home and fill it with the beverage whenever he feels like downing a pint after he described the drink as the ''best beer in the world''.
Jane Cannon, marketing manager for Tennent's Lager, said: ''Some might say it's the ultimate rock and roll gift for Noel - his very own bar, which will always be fully stocked.
''We've nicknamed it the 'Lager Supernova' and I'm sure it will help to host more than a few epic parties once it's installed.''
The company is planning to install a 'Live Forever' hotline next to the bar so the 'Champagne Supernova' star can ring in at any time to request more lager.

vowed.

imagine if your job was to be on the other end of that phone

i will install a bar in noel gallagher's house....in this life or the next

Wow he has extremely poor taste in beer.

not the first time noel gallagher's been connected to a vastly popular product which is also total shite

"We live in crazy times where the music on the radio is so bland and safe, and you turn on the news and it's so horrific, like videos of people getting burned in cages and fucking shit like that. It used to be the other way round: the news was Neil Kinnock, Tony Blair, whatever, and the radio was 'Bittersweet Symphony', 'Get Your Rocks Off', 'Supersonic'."

http://thequietus.com/articles/17242-noel-gallagher-high-flying-birds-interview

i think he's being hard on himself there, listening to Supersonic isn't that much like being burned alive in a cage.

oisis

Tennents .Pasteurised, bland shite.

I detect bedfellows

Rocks and Supersonic roughly contemporaneous w Rwandan genocide iirc

+ Yugoslavia. I'd assume he just didn't see any news in the 90s but wasn't he on that War Child album?

kind of need a thread for ageing musicians who just happen to think music was a lot better back when they were relevant.

corollary tho for music writers that are only interested in the next 16 yr old. seems a pairing of groups that must ever circle each other warily and tbh ilm would be a lot better of ignoring them both and carrying on with whatever ilm was going to do before it got distracted. another poll I suppose.

top marks for oisis obv nick

corollary tho for music writers that are only interested in the next 16 yr old.

is there really a pandemic of these creatures?

we might even have one or two on this very board!

can't imagine why journalists would be interested in current trends

not journalists. music writers.

Stop ruining this beautiful thread.

lol darragh otm

Do you have a favorite Seinfeld episode?

I was watching "The Summer of George" last night. That's pretty fucking good. The one where George starts doing the opposite — that's a good one.

his appearance on motd2 was next-level grim. saying 'the brodge' over and over again followed with a little beady-eyed smirk, everyone in the studio force-roaring with laughter like he'd just burped gold. like he's the CEO's spoilt child, humour him or else. awful small-minded unfunny man, gives off the vibe that he truly believes he could forge a new career as a stand-up comedian if only he could be bothered. baffling how he's got this reputation as a scathing wit - hasn't said anything truly witty in years and even then that 'man soup fork' line is only 5/10 on the smarts scale

Shit interview on RTE last weekend although the guy interviewing him wasn't much better

http://thetalkhouse.com/music/talks/luke-haines-the-auteurs-black-box-recorder-talks-noel-gallagher-and-the-scourge-of-dad-rock/

From one curmugeonly retrogressive has-been to another.

Luke isn't one for self reflection.

https://twitter.com/damianjones1/status/658957091319738372

poignant

lonely guy thinking baout Bono