Star Trek: Classic or Dud?

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Riker was surely a weak attempt at a Kirk junior. Troi was hilarious. On the viewscreen appears some sweaty guy with his clothes torn and blood running down one shoulder, screaming in the background, phaser blasts zooming past his ears saying "No, no, everything is fine. DON'T BRING ANY WEAPONS WHEN YOU BEAM DOWN!" and she says "Captain - I sense he may not be telling us the whole truth".

Andrew L has not mentioned his great expertness in this area, for some reason. I know about it because I very briefly worked under him on a Star Trek magazine!

Martin Skidmore, Friday, 26 July 2002 00:00 (eighteen years ago) link

three weeks pass...
Nope, the theme tune is definetely great. Sort of like all those brilliant power ballads that were number one in the 1980's. Anyway, the new captain is about to probe a planet...

jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 16:04 (eighteen years ago) link

Another new euphemism! But you're still insane, Jel.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 16:36 (eighteen years ago) link

I saw an episode of Enterprise that featured a lacrosse game on a desert planet played in slow motion. I felt like I was watching an extended Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 16:43 (eighteen years ago) link

I hated TNG - data,wesley and riker's beardless phases espesh. voyager had that one cool story about that temporal ship, DS9 was mostly good - playing up the existence of factions within cultures/races - the plot arc better than that on the later Babylon5.

Enterprise - trip is annoying but that vulcan's fit.

s.r.w. (s.r.w.), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 17:53 (eighteen years ago) link

today is actually the first time I got around to watching a full episode of enterprise and its not bad in a back-to-basics way but please drop the theme tune please (I didn't watch any becuz I was in canada and I ddin't watch any telly for 3 months apart from world cup).

first series: like what i haf seen but haven't watched many episodes.

Next generation: only reached goodeness after the Borg came in the picture.

Deep space nine: deeply flawed (a space station in the middle of nowhere and they had to make a war to make it interesting so it had problems just like next generation) though I did watch most of it.

Voyager: the absolute fucking classic. They are stranded and haf to go back but they explore the other side of the quadrant which means all sorts of storylines, (this aspect is exploited to the full) and if that isn't enough then here are the words that settle this argument.


The woman of my dreams (Troi is an ugly witch compared to my seven). She's like Data (both trying to gain 'humanity') but she's a woman. And what a woman. Then the doctor who i think is rilly rilly funny too.

I was pissed off that my brother missed taping two episodes and I made him aware of that to say the least(only six were taped, I had to spend all night watching them on the day i got back from canada and it was time well spent though seven is breaking my heart trying to 'get' chakotay).

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 18:32 (eighteen years ago) link

The original series had those cool mini-skirt uniforms, beehive hair styles, & Klingons as thinly disguised Cold war-era Russians. What's not to like?

(Fun fact: The student services building at my school is called the William Shatner building & even has the Shatner Ballroom. Classic!)

Miss Laura, Thursday, 22 August 2002 08:17 (eighteen years ago) link

students, what will they think of next? the little rascals.

angela, Thursday, 22 August 2002 08:49 (eighteen years ago) link

julio: "why you little **** you forgot to tape two episodes"

julio's brother: "quit yer whining improv-boy, i taped seven of nine" (or it may be "13 of 15 etc etc")


mark s (mark s), Thursday, 22 August 2002 10:03 (eighteen years ago) link

i never really got into star trek, but archer is best. because he's scott bakula. and scott bakula is yum.

g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 22 August 2002 10:22 (eighteen years ago) link

''julio's brother: "quit yer whining improv-boy, i taped seven of nine"''

heh. Alex (my brother's name) would never say 'improv' as he doesn't know what that is. or wants to know.

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 22 August 2002 10:49 (eighteen years ago) link

Has anyone yet mentioned the "Even Star Trek films good, odd Star Trek films pants" theory?

Good: Wrath Of Khan, The Voyage Home (time travel, whales), The Undiscovered Country (Peace with the Klingons), First Contact (The Borg hit Earth), hopefully Nemesis

Bad: Star Trek: the Motionless Picture, The Search For Spock, The Final Frontier (Crazy Vulcan searches for God), Generations (Malcom MacDowell froths, Kirk dies), Insurrections (not that terrible, just a double length TNG episode).

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 22 August 2002 10:51 (eighteen years ago) link

hopefully Nemesis

Having finally seen the trailer, my hopes for the film are now quite high.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:08 (eighteen years ago) link

My sweetie was excited about the new movie, but then he heard Wil Wheaton was goint to be in it and was massively disapointed. It was funny...

Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:15 (eighteen years ago) link

Wil Wheaton was going to be in it

ARGH. Now I'm massively disappointed as well!

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:36 (eighteen years ago) link

nah i'm pretty sure Wesley got left on the cutting room floor... there was an Empire article about this but their website is currently down, so can't check. i'm pretty sure tho like i say.

katie (katie), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:43 (eighteen years ago) link

The world, including the acting world, is full of beautiful women. Presumably if you're making a high-profile TV SF show, it's not hard to get some beautiful women to appear in it.

So while I can see the intrinsic appeal of the attractiveness of the women in late STrek progs, I can't see it as a tribute to the imagination, skill and integrity of the programme makers.

the pinefox, Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:49 (eighteen years ago) link

nah i'm pretty sure Wesley got left on the cutting room floor...

There is hope left in this sad world.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:50 (eighteen years ago) link


Riker and Troi get married in the new movie...

Andrew L (Andrew L), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:50 (eighteen years ago) link

So I heard. About damn time!

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 22 August 2002 14:54 (eighteen years ago) link

It'll be pointless without Wil Wheaton. Hehe!

jel -- (jel), Thursday, 22 August 2002 15:16 (eighteen years ago) link

one year passes...
Well, all I have to say is that due to some oddball local film fest thing at a theater near here every Wednesday night for summer, they're showing a mixed bag of modern classics and cultish films and all, and tonight was one of the three or four Trek films they're doing, and it was Wrath of Khan, the only one which I never actually saw in the theater on first release. Went with my coworker and Shatner obsessive Tom as well as a slew of friends in the area, lousy print, had a great time anyway.

And of course:


Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 05:10 (sixteen years ago) link

Sweet! Trek thread revived! I'll be a crass Trekkie and say that my favorite film remains First Contact even though it ruined the Borg forever.

Jimmy Carter, History's Greatest Monster (Leee), Thursday, 5 August 2004 05:16 (sixteen years ago) link

I'll admit to STILL never having seen a whole episode of Enterprise. Am I really missing much?

AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 5 August 2004 05:24 (sixteen years ago) link

i really like STar Trek The Motion Picture. I think it's very underrated. It looks awesome, the whole feel of the film is kind of spaced out and creepy, it has a sexy bald woman.

kyle (akmonday), Thursday, 5 August 2004 05:25 (sixteen years ago) link

with a cool name Persis Khambatta.

H (Heruy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 05:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Star Trek is totally classic up through Next Generation and excepting The Voyage Home and that fucked up movie where Kirk & Picard meet and like, totally chill on this desert planet and stuff. I saw it when it first came out; I was ten. It didn't have enough AWESOME BORG ACTION, which is why First Contact was more up my alley. DS9 was kinda cool, but again, I wanted ACTION along with my INTENSE SPACE STATION DRAMA.

Ian c=====8 (orion), Thursday, 5 August 2004 06:04 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh so classic, and timely! I've just been on a binge, watching No. II, III, and IV this week. 'Search For Spock' is perennially underrated; cut out some of the junk on the Genesis planet, and it's a fantastic, if rather dark film. Up next is VI, completing the only 4 films that I ever get the urge to see. I and V are disasters, and I really only fell in love with the original crew. CBC showed them in syndication when it was one of two channels we got, so I've seen most of them, compared with the maybe 20-25 Next Generation episodes that I managed to catch in hotel rooms, etc.`

Between the ages of 11 and 16 or so, I collected some 100+ of the novels, which I'm hoping to pick up out of storage from my parents' house for some between-semesters pulp reading. Because they were all from different authors, they ran the range of being shoot-em-up's, cheesy comedies, psychological thrillers, and really quite provocative sci-fi that just happened to have the Star Trek characters involved.

derrick (derrick), Thursday, 5 August 2004 07:12 (sixteen years ago) link

Classic in small doses.

latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 5 August 2004 08:17 (sixteen years ago) link

Because they were all from different authors, they ran the range of being shoot-em-up's, cheesy comedies, psychological thrillers, and really quite provocative sci-fi that just happened to have the Star Trek characters involved.

Hm, that actually would be a good way to get in some sharp ideas via a larger superstructure. Wonder if the Star Wars novels have said range. (I am not anxious to find out for myself.)

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:03 (sixteen years ago) link

Classic in large doses...anyone want to lend me a few seasons of DS9 dvds?

I remember it getting pretty good near the end, although I only caught episodes here and there.

Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:06 (sixteen years ago) link


Red Panda Sanskrit (ex machina), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:07 (sixteen years ago) link

yeah, i had a bunch of those novels too. threw a whole bunch out a few years ago but hung on to a few which were of markedly superior quality. I even have some based on the animated series whicvh i kept coz i live the covers so much.

H (Heruy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:43 (sixteen years ago) link

You live the covers, do you -- regularly chasing technicolor aliens about...

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:45 (sixteen years ago) link

someones got to do it

H (Heruy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:58 (sixteen years ago) link

Jordan, the last season of DS9 was notable for the second half (or maybe all of the season) being devoted to a single arc. Unfortunately, the finale tried too hard to tie up all loose ends and is a bit of a dud. DS9 in general, though, is sorely underrated. Easily the darkest series and some tight battles.

re: Trek books, the best one that I've read was called Federation -- great writing, high concept and a TOS/TNG x-over.

Jimmy Carter, History's Greatest Monster (Leee), Thursday, 5 August 2004 19:59 (sixteen years ago) link

This may be of interest.
This man hates Star trek and tells us why.
He then argues with Trekkies. It's quite entertaining.

Bumfluff, Thursday, 5 August 2004 20:27 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh, whoops there isn't a seperate link for that page, that's the main page.
Just click "Star Trek Lunacy" on the left hand panel.

Bumfluff, Thursday, 5 August 2004 20:31 (sixteen years ago) link

Ronan909: haha jean luc picard
SIMONTRIFE: you jean luc picard motherfucker
SIMONTRIFE: i am obsessed with him too ronan
Ronan909: that show is fucking hilarious
Ronan909: its so serious and up its own ass
SIMONTRIFE: have you seen the movie where he cries
Ronan909: imagine redoing the theme tune so they all kind of have to dance
Ronan909: and do stupid actions
SIMONTRIFE: we laughed so fucking hard i tht i was going to die
Ronan909: its so funny
Ronan909: he's extremely funny
Ronan909: so is ryker
SIMONTRIFE: his fake-french nephew has died and hes looking at this photo album in his little room
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: the clothes he wears!
Ronan909: tunics and kind of robin hood style stuff
SIMONTRIFE: thats also the movie where theyre going to hit the planet and data says 'SHIT!!'
SIMONTRIFE: bcz he has the emotion chip
Ronan909: data as every 8 year old kid in blockbusters forever
SIMONTRIFE: i agree totally star trek really is the funniest show ever
Ronan909: the next gen is easily the best
SIMONTRIFE: the whole ship looks like a mid 90s luxury car
Ronan909: people laugh at the old old one but thats passe
SIMONTRIFE: all that beige carpeting
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: its like a saab
SIMONTRIFE: yeah the old one has a much 'newer' aesthetic
Ronan909: and the suits are just homo
SIMONTRIFE: haha picard wd totally drive a saab
Ronan909: "make it saab"
Ronan909: he should do a commercial
SIMONTRIFE: hes the jacues lu cont of outer space
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: 'uh, jean luc?' 'call me patrick'
Ronan909: wouldnt it be funny if geordie was like a really strong black character
SIMONTRIFE: jean luc!!!
Ronan909: like obviously
SIMONTRIFE: haha well he is kunte kinte
Ronan909: the dad from fresh prince
Ronan909: can you imagine that giant body in one of those suits
Ronan909: the mental image has me laughing
SIMONTRIFE: i also like the politically correct storyl;ines
SIMONTRIFE: like when they go to the planet with the deaf president and everyone has to be very sensitive to the deaf guy
Ronan909: they're better than the stupid "crises" anyway
Ronan909: like "we're all going to die" followed by
SIMONTRIFE: and theyre always getting trapped in big clouds
Ronan909: "captain if i reroute the central engine then theres a one percent chance we can live"
Ronan909: "MAKE IT SO"
SIMONTRIFE: at least on the old star trek they actually went to planets and had monsters and stuff
Ronan909: "thank god we got lucky"
SIMONTRIFE: next generation is just cloud after cloud
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: "of all the clouds this one is the most enigmatic ryker
SIMONTRIFE: did you ever see the early one where they all get drunk and data fucks the blonde girl
Ronan909: have you ever read camus?"
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: "i am fully functional"
SIMONTRIFE: she asks him if hes... FULLY functional, and he spouts these meaningless robot statistics
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: and did you see the movie where he fucks the borg queen!!!
Ronan909: the uncut version had him charming picard
Ronan909: yeah
SIMONTRIFE: i like data alot, hes a very funny actor
SIMONTRIFE: hes the crazy scientist in independence day
Ronan909: yes
Ronan909: its a hard part to play
Ronan909: incredibly hard
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: pre-'fuck it, what do you look like' thread
SIMONTRIFE: remember how he always talked abt klingon sex
Ronan909: they really made klingon seem basic and primitive
SIMONTRIFE: 'a... HUMAN woman could not...withstand it.'
Ronan909: hahah
Ronan909: he was basically taunting ryker
SIMONTRIFE: haha they could never decide if they were space-russians or space-africans
SIMONTRIFE: haha ryker is a tool
Ronan909: yeah totally
Ronan909: po faced twa
Ronan909: t
Ronan909: he was kind of racist in it
Ronan909: always ready to kill some romulans
SIMONTRIFE: like when hes piloting that shuttle and ryker goes 'tough little ship' and worf goes 'LITTLE??'
Ronan909: speaking of which the romulans were fucking hilarious!
Ronan909: the haircuts!
SIMONTRIFE: ryker was totally a racist
SIMONTRIFE: haha 'bad vulcans'
Ronan909: and the big shoulder pads
SIMONTRIFE: 'vulcans, but bad'
Ronan909: we envy you humans and your "fashion sense"
Ronan909: it is unmissable
Ronan909: i watch it daily
SIMONTRIFE: they borrowed their shoulder pads from vivian banks
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: finally a concrete connection
SIMONTRIFE: i havent had tv in like three or four years but i remember them all
Ronan909: the irish guy is so funny too
Ronan909: colm meaney
SIMONTRIFE: i remember the movies better
Ronan909: chief o brien
SIMONTRIFE: yeah the irish guy!!! hes in a lot of movies
Ronan909: one of my friends gets called chief cos he looks like him
SIMONTRIFE: hes the jet pilot who dies in die hard 2, when the plane full of british ppl crashes
Ronan909: have you ever seen "the snapper"
SIMONTRIFE: i love how the terrorists kill the brits as a 'warning'
Ronan909: he plays an Irish dad in it
Ronan909: whose daughter gets pregnant at 16
SIMONTRIFE: 'next time itll be some REAL people!'
Ronan909: its so fucking funny
SIMONTRIFE: haha does he get mad and yell
Ronan909: he has slippers and dodgy cardigans etc
Ronan909: yeah
SIMONTRIFE: pregnant by worf
Ronan909: his wife goes but what about the neighbours
SIMONTRIFE: 'there is... biting.'
Ronan909: and he flings a cup of tea and goes
Ronan909: in a really funny irish accent
SIMONTRIFE: in retrospect his klingon sex doesnt sound very hardcore at all
Ronan909: no some girls make it seem tame
Ronan909: "there is slobbering and awful masturbation technique"
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: calum is like ryker
Ronan909: "there is.......grabbing of pubic hair by mistake"
Ronan909: ryker thinks life begins and ends with white men
SIMONTRIFE: 'sometimes...the condom gets stuck in your pubes, and you have to stop for a moment... it is very stressful'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: ryker is totally aryan nation
Ronan909: "a condom has not been found for klingons yet"
SIMONTRIFE: hes sucha prick!
Ronan909: "we use ferengi ear lobes"
SIMONTRIFE: its ridged for her pleasure
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: haha ferengi
Ronan909: FERENGI
SIMONTRIFE: space-jews
SIMONTRIFE: they were the bad space-jews, vulcans were the good space-jews
SIMONTRIFE: vulcans have thousands of years of culture and arts and are very solemn and wise
SIMONTRIFE: the ferengi control all the money and will screw you over for it
Ronan909: they love business deals
SIMONTRIFE: yeah, they worship gold
SIMONTRIFE: we havent even touched on THE HOLODECK
SIMONTRIFE: ryker was always like reenacting the civil war on it
Ronan909: redneck
SIMONTRIFE: and picard did that hilarious film noir detective thing!! what a goober
SIMONTRIFE: honestly, is he like ten??
Ronan909: AKA *******
SIMONTRIFE: hahahaha
SIMONTRIFE: thirty-eight year old virgin
SIMONTRIFE: he was put in so fans could have a relateable character
SIMONTRIFE: 'number one, get me number thirty-eight year old virgin'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: haha its all coming back now
Ronan909: deanna LOVES nerds
Ronan909: we're all not losers!
SIMONTRIFE: 'tea, earl grey, HOT'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: she was kind of a bullshit psychic
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: she just sounded constantly moany
Ronan909: from hearing everyones pain
Ronan909: or else like she was having an orgasm
Ronan909: "captain, the cloud is leaving us"
SIMONTRIFE: her most-used word was 'ohh'
SIMONTRIFE: haha exactly
SIMONTRIFE: 'the cloud has father issues'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: i swear to fucking god i think that was an actual plot
SIMONTRIFE: cloud with father issues
Ronan909: "the cloud is mating with that supernova, we're witnessing the birth of something we know nothing about"
Ronan909: picard (rubbing lotion on head sternly) "deanna have you ever read camus"
SIMONTRIFE: they were such pussies!!
Ronan909: haha yeah
Ronan909: its so po faced
SIMONTRIFE: the old one really was so much more hardcore
SIMONTRIFE: like, they got in fights and shit!!
Ronan909: seriously imagine how piss yourself funny it would be if you had the theme music
Ronan909: and them all dancing to it
Ronan909: as the intro
SIMONTRIFE: i want to dj with the theme music
Ronan909: like mock actions
Ronan909: at every change in note
SIMONTRIFE: haha ok ronan
Ronan909: you have a shot of picard pointing angrily
Ronan909: or ryker frowning
Ronan909: you know that old 80s tv show style
SIMONTRIFE: the intro is pretty gay too... the planets
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: and the ship, it DISAPPEARS
Ronan909: whoosh
Ronan909: MAKE IT SO
Ronan909: he should have said
Ronan909: make it go
Ronan909: or make it clap
Ronan909: they were all into such shit stuff aswell
Ronan909: on the holodeck
SIMONTRIFE: make it SO (clap clap clap clap clap clap clap)
SIMONTRIFE: yeah i know
Ronan909: "i've recreated a 1924 jazz club with no one in it"
SIMONTRIFE: youd think culture had just stopped
Ronan909: "i feel this is the best use of being able to simulate any event ever"
Ronan909: the holodeck, man i'd love one of those
SIMONTRIFE: they all listened to classical music and liked prancing around in medieval forests
Ronan909: ecstacy, early 90s grade
Ronan909: warehouse, scuzzy
Ronan909: music, loud, rave
SIMONTRIFE: haha speaking of ryker being a dick to worf you know in the movie when theyre on the ship
SIMONTRIFE: like, some stupid old british navy boat
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: as per usual
Ronan909: fucking anglophiles
SIMONTRIFE: and he makes worfs plank disappear and he falls in
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: idiot
SIMONTRIFE: and then data pushes a bunch of ppl in the water but nobody laughs!!!
Ronan909: and ryker is all "i can take a joke"

Ronan909: data's is funnier
SIMONTRIFE: i mean it was a lot funnier than when fucking ryker did it
SIMONTRIFE: so data like goes back to his room to cry
Ronan909: cos if someone did it to ryker he'd not be smiling in that fucking smug way
SIMONTRIFE: only he cant bcz he doesnt have the emotion chip
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: i really wd probably beat the shit out of him
Ronan909: he was in north and south too
Ronan909: imagine the entire crew dancing to get low
SIMONTRIFE: 'number one'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: i can imagine like data doingthe running man
SIMONTRIFE: stop being so fucking SERIOUS
SIMONTRIFE: why is no one gay in the future
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: they have replicated the problem away thanks to ryker
SIMONTRIFE: the closest to gay wd be like ryker wd fall in love with some woman who turns out to be a shapeshifter
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: that would be hilarious
SIMONTRIFE: she shouldve turned into molten lava while rykers dick was in her
Ronan909: he's about to fuck her and then its like
SIMONTRIFE: dude that was an episode
SIMONTRIFE: except the lava
Ronan909: "ambassador tomalahawk, you ROMULAN SCUM"
SIMONTRIFE: her real form was this furry rat thing
Ronan909: "I was working undercover picard, i knew it was ambassador tomahawk"
SIMONTRIFE: everyones a racist in the future
Ronan909: remember his son appeared or something
Ronan909: and it was a bug
SIMONTRIFE: i love the movie with kirk and the klingons
Ronan909: yeah
SIMONTRIFE: thats seriously my favorite movie of all time
Ronan909: kirk at least tried to sleep with women
SIMONTRIFE: its even better than wrath of khan
Ronan909: they made them assexual in the next gen cos they were so embarassed
SIMONTRIFE: kirk is fucking rugged
Ronan909: do you mean the one where kirk and co get framed
SIMONTRIFE: even when he was old he still was a pimp
SIMONTRIFE: yeah and sent to the ice planet!!
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: kirk actually fucks a shapeshifter in that too
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: shapeshifters are the modern day tranny
SIMONTRIFE: and bones is like rolling his eyes
SIMONTRIFE: 'here he goes again'
SIMONTRIFE: that movie is awesome
Ronan909: bones is kind of sexually dead
Ronan909: and just dead in every sense
SIMONTRIFE: it has the skank from sex in the city as spocks little vulcan girl
SIMONTRIFE: she overenunciates everything
SIMONTRIFE: well he is dead now
SIMONTRIFE: the actor
SIMONTRIFE: theres an old episode where he fucks a shapeshifter too
SIMONTRIFE: it turns out to be a monster that eats salt and has a vagina for a face
SIMONTRIFE: a vagina with teeth!
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: the old ones are all about weirdo mind control
Ronan909: and kind of eerie character warping
Ronan909: the new ones are like BIG MORAL ISSUES
SIMONTRIFE: kirk would make a good rapper
Ronan909: NO JOKES
SIMONTRIFE: i bet he refuses to go down on girls
SIMONTRIFE: bcz hes james t fucking kirk
Ronan909: warf would be a good rapper
Ronan909: it involves BITING
SIMONTRIFE: haha and in the klingon movie you learn at the klingon trial his middle name is TIBERIUS
SIMONTRIFE: 'i like earth bitches'
Ronan909: eastside boys featuring james tiberius kirk
SIMONTRIFE: lil kirk
Ronan909: "I Fuck All Races"
SIMONTRIFE: remember worfs son!!!
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: he was such a little shit
Ronan909: and his brother or cousin or whoever
Ronan909: who kept calling him a pussy for wearing his fancy earthman sash
Ronan909: in fairness they were right, that ship was full of twats
Ronan909: "perhaps i like twee anglophilia brother"
SIMONTRIFE: yeah remember like when worf goes back to the klingon home planet and theyre like 'wtf'
SIMONTRIFE: all the klingons cant believe hes hanging out with these total losers
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: ilxors as next generation
SIMONTRIFE: q was asexual though
Ronan909: so he said
Ronan909: he was actually quite cool
SIMONTRIFE: calum is like on the old star trek when theyd meet some god and he wd fuck with them but then in the end he'd just be a big baby
Ronan909: sense of humour
SIMONTRIFE: yeah anyone who makes picard so mad!!
Ronan909: hahaha
SIMONTRIFE: i guess he is calumn
SIMONTRIFE: kirk wouldve just kicked him in the teeth
SIMONTRIFE: he wouldve done that sideways kirk kicking thing where he lands on his ass
Ronan909: "q theres a line on jay z's the blueprint, it reads simply 'i will not lose ever FUCKER'"
SIMONTRIFE: the borg movie has a lot of hilarious stuff with picard talking abt herman melville
Ronan909: yeah haha
SIMONTRIFE: i guess literature just stopped!
Ronan909: he always shitted on about obvious contemporary literature
Ronan909: or culture
SIMONTRIFE: in the future nobody writes anything but self-help books
SIMONTRIFE: yeah i know
SIMONTRIFE: listening to bach
SIMONTRIFE: white supremicist
Ronan909: "in normandy, when they're bedding the horses, they are always sure to say why not my beautiful vicar"
Ronan909: he is like captain MCDEPTH
SIMONTRIFE: remember when he gets trapped in the elevator and he sings frere jacques to the kids!!
Ronan909: i was just thinking of that
SIMONTRIFE: he wasnt even fucking french
SIMONTRIFE: he has a british accent!!
SIMONTRIFE: remember his vineyard
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: and geordie was so bored he was visiting his old boss
SIMONTRIFE: haha sometimes they wd drink wine on the enterprise
Ronan909: and play cards
SIMONTRIFE: theyre such 80s yuppies
Ronan909: ryker the jazz fan
Ronan909: GUINAN
SIMONTRIFE: they would have like those 80s cd players that are really huge
SIMONTRIFE: 'captain i am detecting the prescence of whoopi goldberg in a stupid hat'
SIMONTRIFE: she looked like a fucking chess piece
Ronan909: picards voice is so funny
Ronan909: hahaha
SIMONTRIFE: they could play three dimensional chess with her!!
Ronan909: you know when he goes all slow and kind of contemplative
SIMONTRIFE: god they were always playing chess too
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: they played 3d chess in deep space nine
SIMONTRIFE: its funny to imagine teh rest of culture continued on without them but on the enterprise they just wanted everything to be old and european bcz they were white supremicists
SIMONTRIFE: like, everybody else in the galaxy is listening to get low 2450
SIMONTRIFE: theyre like a bunch of renaissance faire nerds
SIMONTRIFE: its a show abt a bunch of nerds who fly around in a spaceship
SIMONTRIFE: a bunch of rich white yuppie nerds
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: they just lamely stun them on that one
Ronan909: did they ever kill anyone
Ronan909: in the entire thing
SIMONTRIFE: maybe they like shot a cloud and then it gave birth
SIMONTRIFE: 'we're witnessing something very beautiful here...'
SIMONTRIFE: picard was like a shitty professor
SIMONTRIFE: he was always making the crew gather round to look at stuff they didnt care about
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: "have some malt whiskey lieutenant"
SIMONTRIFE: 'yemtemenos 8.... we finally made it'
Ronan909: hahaha
Ronan909: they were all rapt with interest though
SIMONTRIFE: haha they drank stupid yuppie wine
Ronan909: "captain i intend to take some rock samples for my studies"

SIMONTRIFE: they replicator was just one of the cardboard boxes of wine they sell at teh grocery store
SIMONTRIFE: they just put a piece of black plastic on it
Ronan909: "you do that lieutenant, WAIT, a cloud???? IN THIS GALAXY?"
SIMONTRIFE: i imagine them just going from cloud to cloud
SIMONTRIFE: uss retard
Ronan909: "cloud 9, i've heard of this one"

SIMONTRIFE: wtf was there mission anyway
Ronan909: "to eliminate clouds"
Ronan909: and take rock samples
SIMONTRIFE: 'hey... you...get offa my...'
SIMONTRIFE: to learn lessons from clouds
Ronan909: they just gave them a fake mission and threw wes crusher on board
SIMONTRIFE: to make the holodeck malfunction and almost kill everyone
Ronan909: to get rid of them all
SIMONTRIFE: it was secretly a reality show
Ronan909: cos they were the worst bunch of bores ever
Ronan909: they kept making faces when kirk or other federation cronies got lecherous or drunk or sexist.
SIMONTRIFE: 'what happens... when nine crew members stop being real... and start getting polite'
SIMONTRIFE: haha i know
SIMONTRIFE: they were like
Ronan909: you can see thats true cos they hate all the old federation guys
Ronan909: RAJON 5
Ronan909: what was with the dumb names of planets too
Ronan909: they sounded like washing up powders
Ronan909: LUSTRE 7
SIMONTRIFE: hard-on 12
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: BALDHEAD 1
Ronan909: captains log, supplemental
Ronan909: after rendez vousing with the venetian blinds on GETLOW 7
SIMONTRIFE: his captains logs were fucking useless too
SIMONTRIFE: always making shit jokes in them
Ronan909: we have found a primitive culture known as "fun"
SIMONTRIFE: or being really obscure
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: "the clouds have gone, for now, perhaps we were unable to understand them"
Ronan909: and then it got all wonder years
Ronan909: "we didnt realise it and neither did they but that day our crew and the moons of Raijilicus 4 were closer than ever.
SIMONTRIFE: 'i guess you could say we learned something from the rigelians... about ourselves'
SIMONTRIFE: or he would smugly mention another crewmember
Ronan909: this was truly a space miracle"

Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: my first cloud
SIMONTRIFE: captain, dr crushers brother has died on VIETNAM 7
Ronan909: "commander data meanwhile has not mastered the subtle art of bonhomie, but with my guidance, he shall continue to learn"

Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: they probably all sat around laughing at his captains logs
SIMONTRIFE: we sent you through that cloud to collection ion samples!!
Ronan909: "another cracker from jean luc"
SIMONTRIFE: 'look... hes crying!!'
SIMONTRIFE: god i know i sat around laughing at him
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: i want to see the one where he cries so bad now
Ronan909: there is so much mileage in mocking it though
Ronan909: what was his nephew called
SIMONTRIFE: 'he was.... so.... so... so YOUNG'
Ronan909: lilian
Ronan909: or florent
Ronan909: or something
SIMONTRIFE: he actually says that
Ronan909: lilian-florent
SIMONTRIFE: yeah something gay
SIMONTRIFE: omg dude how cd i forget this!!!
SIMONTRIFE: when he goes inside the ribbon that grants your wishes
Ronan909: hahaha
SIMONTRIFE: and his wish is to have a gay charles dickens christmas with his family!!!
Ronan909: and he's married to a victorian woman
Ronan909: hahahaha
SIMONTRIFE: what a loser
SIMONTRIFE: kirk is like chopping wood and getting back in bed with some green woman
SIMONTRIFE: picards is just little brats going 'pa-PA!'
SIMONTRIFE: 'faaaather...'
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: it would have been so cool if “relax” played and picard is in some brothel looking aroused and disgusted with himself all at once.
SIMONTRIFE: why is malcolm mcdowel in that
Ronan909: the intro and then picard is like "nooooooooo"
SIMONTRIFE: it really is a travesty
SIMONTRIFE: except when data says shit
Ronan909: THE NEXUS
SIMONTRIFE: the enterprise is THE LEXUS
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: cruise control, faux leather seating
SIMONTRIFE: picard was like 'make it beige, number one'
Ronan909: its such a pathetic vision of depth
SIMONTRIFE: 'what color shd the spaceship be??' 'MAKE IT BEIGE'
SIMONTRIFE: like my shriveled old man hea
Ronan909: number one, i think you'll find the seats are plush leather
SIMONTRIFE: uss fleshtone
Ronan909: easy on the rear
Ronan909: uss pofaced
SIMONTRIFE: the old enterprise was cool
SIMONTRIFE: all grey and simple
SIMONTRIFE: the new one had like cup-holders everywhere
Ronan909: the bar in the new one is the worst
SIMONTRIFE: and stupid little ridges
Ronan909: it looks like the worst yuppie bar ever
Ronan909: "aye aye sir"
SIMONTRIFE: they were such fucking yuppies
Ronan909: little did they know about warf and datas SEcrEt CrUnK parties in the holodeck
SIMONTRIFE: ;make it crunk'
SIMONTRIFE: worf probably listened to like tribal klingon music
Ronan909: "what in the name of fornicating clouds is going on here warf"

Ronan909: i can imagine warf as an industrial fan
Ronan909: front 242
SIMONTRIFE: 'it is too HARSH... for human ears... no melody... just rhythm'
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: insane clown posse
Ronan909: "its......too shit for human ears"

SIMONTRIFE: 'there is a lot of... sucking'
Ronan909: ha
Ronan909: there must be other characters
SIMONTRIFE: yeah we've hit the wall here
Ronan909: i am saving this without doubt
SIMONTRIFE: remember bajorans
SIMONTRIFE: nose ridges
Ronan909: horrible noses
SIMONTRIFE: yeah totally we have to make this into something
SIMONTRIFE: 'tasteful suburban bookstore, 1988'
SIMONTRIFE: 'macintosh computer, flying toasters screensaver'
SIMONTRIFE: 'magazine rack, macworld magazine'
Ronan909: haha
SIMONTRIFE: 'packaged biscotti, dry'
Ronan909: music, tepid indie
Ronan909: clothes, amusing v neck sweater
Ronan909: prejudices, multiple
SIMONTRIFE: music, tribal groove
SIMONTRIFE: music, moby, play
Ronan909: worf is like
Ronan909: place, klingon semen basement 2077
SIMONTRIFE: sting, new album
Ronan909: sex, full blown, many clowns.
SIMONTRIFE: location, the very mild fetish club
Ronan909: klingon sex is unusual
SIMONTRIFE: sense of transgression from 'biting', third grade level
Ronan909: "it involves...........clowns"

SIMONTRIFE: self-satisfaction, high
SIMONTRIFE: 'klingon sex is... unusual... it doesnt... happen often... because i... live with my parents'
Ronan909: and ryker is like "get that clown back to calgon 7 immediately warf"
SIMONTRIFE: he would just smirk, 'nice little rimjob, worf' 'LITTLE Commander??'
Ronan909: worf got deanna in the end
SIMONTRIFE: in that same one he has to take the defense controls again and ryker goes 'sure you can remember what everything does?'
SIMONTRIFE: what a dick!
Ronan909: he pretended to be sensitive and care about clouds
SIMONTRIFE: haha she can predict his biting
Ronan909: the amount of her talking about other peoples thoughts you'd have to sit through
SIMONTRIFE: 'i sense... horniness... very much...'
SIMONTRIFE: worf had space-aids
SIMONTRIFE: didnt they have an aids episode?
Ronan909: did they
Ronan909: ryker disgusted by it

SIMONTRIFE: thats a little too edgy
SIMONTRIFE: 'fucking faggots'
SIMONTRIFE: ryker was disgusted all the time
SIMONTRIFE: hes like a slaveowner
SIMONTRIFE: he was always either mocking someone lower than him or just grimacing in disgust
SIMONTRIFE: that dumb-ass smirk
Ronan909: yeah
Ronan909: and the beard
Ronan909: enson, clean my quarters
Ronan909: "and dont forget the underwear, hmph-haha"

SIMONTRIFE: he grew the beard to look manly

Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: no wonder wes had parted hair
SIMONTRIFE: i have to go!
SIMONTRIFE: its been fun
Ronan909: ok me too really
Ronan909: yes!
SIMONTRIFE: we will pick this up again
Ronan909: definitely.
SIMONTRIFE: more infantile star trek sex jokes
Ronan909: "have you ever read camus"
SIMONTRIFE: the final acceptance we are never getting laid again
Ronan909: haha
Ronan909: "theres a line on a beermat i read will"
SIMONTRIFE: making two hours worth of star trek sex jokes
Ronan909: its prob even worse than liking star trek
Ronan909: non ironically
SIMONTRIFE: yeah at least you can get star trek fangirls
SIMONTRIFE: later ronan!!
Ronan909: see you!

Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 5 August 2004 20:50 (sixteen years ago) link


Red Panda Sanskrit (ex machina), Thursday, 5 August 2004 20:57 (sixteen years ago) link

I truly am in awe.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:03 (sixteen years ago) link

oh. my. god. i was coming here to try to trump shit with my story about the russian guy i met at a party who was dressed like wesley crusher in a thong, but there's no way. fuck man. ronan, you're the john de lancie to my wil wheaton.

x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:09 (sixteen years ago) link

I was going to link my blogged meditation on Khan -- and well, I've done it anyway -- but it is as nothing in comparison.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:10 (sixteen years ago) link

Although thinking of Wil Wheaton, I can't get over the fact that he and I and Nathan Lane all have something in common...

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:11 (sixteen years ago) link

the closest to gay wd be like ryker wd fall in love with some woman who turns out to be a shapeshifter

Ryker in fact falls in love with a person from a gender-neutral species.

worf probably listened to like tribal klingon music

He actually listens to Klingon opera.

Jimmy Carter, History's Greatest Monster (Leee), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Haha... that's because he's a black signifier, and black people can like white snob culture too!

x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Ryker in fact falls in love with a person from a gender-neutral species.


Red Panda Sanskrit (ex machina), Thursday, 5 August 2004 21:39 (sixteen years ago) link

but BEST EPISODE EVER would have included the extended gory and grisly deaths of Ryker and Troi

H (Heruy), Thursday, 5 August 2004 23:58 (sixteen years ago) link

I used to play Star Fleet Battles!

Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Friday, 6 August 2004 00:05 (sixteen years ago) link

Ronan & Ethan made my night.

Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 6 August 2004 00:54 (sixteen years ago) link

It’s a little trashy; at least as far as the animation and voice acting conjures American Dad.

Philip Nunez, Monday, 7 September 2020 03:55 (two weeks ago) link

yeah that's what steered me off it... I may check it out yet

justice 4 CCR (Sparkle Motion), Monday, 7 September 2020 06:11 (two weeks ago) link

we have been watching LD, up until this last week’s ep i was only doing so grudgingly but it it is improving & i enjoyed it for the first time

mr veg finds it all deeply nerdy therefore v enjoyable

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 7 September 2020 06:16 (two weeks ago) link

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