Here transcribe the most awkward conversations that you have had with relatives

He also had me hold lambs while he clipped off their tails:

Him: son, hold this
Me: uh-huh
Him: *sound of cauterization, horrible squeal, and smell of burning lamb*
Me: aw, fuck
Him: blowflies eating out their assholes is worse, son

HAHAHAHA i'm going to fill every lull in conversation with this.

Elderly relative (waking up from snooze in hot car) : What did you say?

Me: Traffic's bad today.
E.R : Who are you?
Me: I'm Dave, we're just going to the hospital?
E.R : Where's XXX (my elder sister)? Why isn't she taking me?
Me : She's at work, I expect.
E.R : Where's YYY (another sister)?
Me: I don't know.
E.R : Where's ZZZ (3rd sis)?
Me: Er.....on holiday.
E.R : Where's AAA (youngest sis)?
Me: Oh she's definitely at work today. Definitely at work.
E.R : None of you can be bothered with me, now I'm old.
Me : Oh they'd love to see you, I'm sure.

Me: Did you remember your appointment card?
E.R. Are you a homosexual?
Me: No, I'm not. I'm married to NNNN, remember?
E.R. Who?
Me: NNNN?
E.R : Oh her.
Awkward silence.
Me: Did you bring your appointment card?
E.R : Mind your own business, young man

Me : Are you too warm, would you like me to open your window a little?
E.R : The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he's a darkie.
Me: Is that a problem?
E.R : Yes. I should very much think that it is.
Me : We're nearly there.

E.R : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU BLACK BASTARD!
Me: Oh god, I'm sorry. She's...you know. Look, sorry.
(I drag E.R to nearest seat)
Me: Look, I think that was very offensive. Please don't do that again!
E.R : Get stuffed.

E.R : Where's XXXX (eldest sister)?

and we go around again. Roll on this year's visit.

:(

once went to my uncle's pub for a family/local alcoholics xmas get tohether. about 2/3rds of the folks in there started a churus of 'Who Let The Wogs Out'.

By this time I'm attempting to disappear into my seat.

He then turns to a black girl across the carriage.
Uncle: So d'you like that reggae music then doll?
Me: This is my stop!

there was silence then for the next hour. Sometimes I really don't like my father.

dad caught me on the couch with a girl one school lunchtime and the next day he put a heavy hand on my shoulder as i was trying to make a sandwich and i thought

please no

and he said i just have to say one thing

please im thinking please dont start into some fuzzy when two people love each other shite im fifteen and its the ninet-

fiercely, into my ear: you dont have to come in her to make her pregnant

and hes gone, like the fuckin batman of shockingly undadlike filth, leaving me catatonic over a slice of white pan