The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History

Gah, posted this in the Guradian thread by accident.

http://www.theguardian.com/music/musicblog/2014/jan/22/noel-gallager-hates-oasis-videos

eheh. I had never seen most of these videos but they are truly awful... and they do walk in slow motion a lot !

this is hugely entertaining. thanks!

"can we do that bit again but can you do it with a bit more energy in your eyes?"

The DVD that comes with the "Time Flies" has a Noel commentary as an extra.

Basically, he likes the "Importance of being idle" video, and that's it.

more than i like

"Is that Phil Mitchell?"
"No it's not"
Love this whole thing

yeah this almost retrospectively justifies Oasis

I like his reactions to the Standing on the Shoulder of Giants videos/songs. especially by the time he gets to Sunday Morning "that's exactly how I feel mate"

So yeah pretty much the most entertaining thing Noel's been involved with since Some Might Say.

That was so great.. When he realizes what song is coming up next and just starts freaking out, oh man

ha yeah, "what's the next one off this... oh fucking hell, oh fucking hell."

'that wasn't an actual record playing, by the way, and he's not a real clown'

just came here to see if this had been posted. amazing.

fukkin brill

Oh, I see now the article is about that very DVD.

Yeah, I was I'll off work and sat through the whole DVD with the commentary on, which made it worth doing... They are very 'fit for function' for the overwhelming majority as in 'perform/promote song., that's it' so it's really the only good thing about it as a whole.

Oh, Liam does his one single too.

He sounds incredibly Karl Pilkington in some of these bits!
My favorite one is when he sounds like he's never seen the video before, with the motorcycle driver crashing through the window and going to the hospital. Killing me.

"Look at the size of Bonehead's shirt. That's fuckin' insane."

"Yeah, I'm not having any of this."

This is highly entertaining. Good to see Noel speaking for all of us.

He sounds incredibly Karl Pilkington in some of these bits!

this^^^^^

this is hilarious. "The video is backwards" "Oh yeah? Pity the song isnt. It would have sounded a lot more interesting."

"Is that a man with legs made of sausages?! That’s not real."

instead of making music he should host a radio or tv show or something.
maybe have a live show online that he would do at home, while doing other things (or nothing), with a headset.

i think he guests quite often with russell brand on something or other.

He should regularly review music videos.

the fact that he does his aggressive philistine churl shtick even on his own back catalogue isn't a plus point imo

"Is that a man with legs made of sausages?! That’s not real."

― Darin, Friday, January 24, 2014 6:19 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

otm

Which obscure member of a Britpop band are you?

I got Jake from MLS
fair enough

My favorite Gallagher insult is when he described Jack White as looking like "Zorro on donuts."

Jesus - I don't like a fat joke, but something in the simplicity of that phrasing just slaughters me

the fact that he does his aggressive philistine churl shtick even on his own back catalogue isn't a plus point imo

Yeah, I hate that side of him. He's clearly intelligent; he's a major Smiths fan, for God's sake, which is completely at odds with the yobbo lager lout persona he chooses to project. I believe that Liam actually is that sort of dimwit, but Noel isn't, which makes it frustrating when he plays dumb. I guess that persona served its purpose in the 90s in making them popular in the UK, but I suspect that Noel has a lot more in common with an egghead like his "enemy" Damon Albarn than he chooses to reveal in public.

He's clearly intelligent; he's a major Smiths fan

Plenty of Smiths fans are idiots!

Noel obviously has a kind of intelligence, but he's so depressingly self-limiting. Everyone knows people like him: middle-aged men who enjoy their own vituperative impotence to the extent that they're happy for it to define them. Everyone laughed at Win Butler's recent "I'm a fucking rock star!" comment though it was obvious that he was being knowingly reductive. Noel means it when he says things like that, which must make it easier to live with his limitations. I bet he rarely meets anyone who doesn't find him straightforwardly amusing. That's a nice life, in a way.

I've always found him hilarious, but again it's probably easier to do so without a lot of baggage in the US where Oasis is regarded on the same level as like Soul Asylum.

Noel means it when he says things like that

I think he means some of what he says, but not all of it. If you watch him on chat shows or in other conversation, he's clearly sharp, witty, and intelligent. And ballads such as "Wonderwall," "Sunday Morning Call," "Just Getting Older," or "Don't Go Away" (with its key line, I think, "damn my education / I can't find the words to say") reveal a sensitive side of him that is completely at odds with his dimwit lager lout persona. I'll repeat that I believe he adopted that persona to be popular, much as many rappers feel like they have to play up how street or hard or tough they are: Noel's whole "I'm just working class lad from Manchester" persona is simply a northern UK variation on that kind of pose. It has served him well, and it's pretty fucking funny when he's on a roll, but I really don't think that that's all there is to the guy.

Oh the smiths

Wd imagine ng is at least as intelligent as yr avg ilmer, at least as focused on image projection, clearly in a different way tho tbf.

His mums from charlestown theres a lot of mid-mayo in him imo.

Wd imagine ng is at least as intelligent as yr avg ilmer

no joke

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

gelatinate mess (darraghmac) wrote this on thread trenchant social commentary on board 7Curtis's 7borad on Jan 27, 2014

fart

Matts own brand of churlishness is more a sligo thing ime but it takes all sorts

more like hurlishness

Hurling (Sport)

recently learned that a friend of mine sent a friend of mine a story about noel g over a series of text messages a while bqck, inspired I think partly by this thread (which i'd once mentioned for some reason). i now c&p it here, prob against his wishes, in its spiritual home for posterity -

Noel Gallagher knocked the ash of his Cuban cigar on to the marble floor and took another swig of cab sav. This is fookin' rubbish, he grunted, waving his wine glass at the canvas in front of him, a semi-abstract portrait of an old man playing solitaire. Where's the fookin' balls? Bang some balls on that and then we're talking. The artist, a small Japanese woman with glasses, smiled at him and bowed. Thank you, Gallagher san, she said.

Gallagher sneered and slouched over to the next work, the attentive crowd of students following behind him in silence. This time the painting was a watercolour miniature of Morrissey reading the Independent, a cup of tea in his hand. Gallagher scrutinised it carefully. Slowly, he began to nod his head. This one's shite too, he declared, thoughtfully. But it's not as shite as the others. A teenage boy in the crowd fainted with pride.

As the other students rushed to revive their fallen comrade, Gallagher stalked across the gallery in the direction of the gift shop. I need some fookin' moogs, he muttered. And a fookin' throw pillow with an owl on. He passed a man dressed in the uniform of a security guard. Excuse me sir--began the man, but Gallagher waved him away. In his hurry to acquire art-related houseware, he failed to recognise the face of his former nemesis. Tony Blair.

Noel bought two mugs with his face on and a latte. He sat down in the gallery cafe, took out his iPhone 5 and composed a text to Damien Hirst. Art was wank. Drinking a coffee. Fuck off m8. He despatched the text with a mischievous smile. Thirty seconds later he received a reply. M8 ur cock is sml & shit. Noel laughed. Gd 1 m8. He wrote. Now fuck off. Tony Blair watched from the shadows, grinning maniacally.

At first Noel didn't notice the figure limping towards him. Then he noticed it but didn't care. Finally he noticed and said Fuck off. But it was too late for that. Tony Blair reached into the pocket of his blazer and pulled out a knife. Will you sign this? he asked.

Is this an original? asked Noel as he inscribed his world-famous 'Noel Cock'n'Balls' logo on the razor sharp blade of the weapon. Yes, replied Tony Blair. It's my favourite piece of yours. I've always wondered how you thought of it. Noel shrugged and picked his nose. I just bought a knife one day and thought: this is mint. It's like...art. I see, said Tony Blair. Amazing.

I also really like Champagne Supernova, continued the former PM. The lyrics are so surreal. Yeah, agreed Noel. I copied them off the wall of a public toilet. I just thought...fuck. That's mint. He took another sip of his latte and belched. Tony Blair began to hum Champagne Supernova. Noel nodded.

Gradually, Tony Blair began to insert odd lyrics into his humming. Doo doo do da nova doo da sky, he murmured. Noel, smiling, began to beat time on his coffee cup with a teaspoon. Gaining confidence, Tony Blair burst fully into song. Suddenly there were dozens, hundreds of people in the cafe, surrounding Noel, singing along to his greatest work.

It was at this point that Noel began to be lifted up into the heavens. The process was almost imperceptible at first: a few whisps of pure white smoke gathering at his feet, curling gently around the soiled cuffs of his Levis, the mingled voices of the congregation rising to an ecstatic roar.

"There are no characters left in the music business. When we first started going there was a healthy percentage of people, and we were all dirt-kickers from council estates, and we all couldn’t believe our luck that we were at the Brits. You go in now and everybody is a careerist. It’s very corporate, and you know what I’ve actually seen people doing at the Brits? Eating. I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in. I had to say to him: ‘Really? Really? Is that where you are at? Do me a favour mate, either have a proper one outside, or don’t have one.’ It lit up green when he had a drag of it. Nonsense. He said that immortal line – ‘Oh you know how it is mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry mate, I actually don’t.’

Gallagher continued his outspoken views on the ceremony, calling the night "instantly forgettable" and rallying against young people who wear hats. "It was an instantly forgettable night," said Gallagher. "There was nothing going on at the Brits, there was nothing going on at the aftershow parties. There seemed to be a lot of young people in hats, with iPhones. They’re either all involved in some massive video game that they’re all hooked up to, or they’re just texting each other saying ‘Where are you, what are you doing?’ And they’ve all got hats. Where did the hat come from? We’re going back to some Dickensian nightmare. I don’t understand it. People with hats and Blackberrys under the age of 30 should be shot. Or stoned to death."

– ‘Oh you know how it is mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry mate, I actually don’t.’ -

someone posted what I posted itt about a year ago but w/e

thread is fuckin mint

Noel sat up from the vaseline-filled coffin, gasping for air. He coughed and spluttered, trying to wipe petroleum jelly off his face and out of his eyes.

"Fuckin' hell," he said.

He attempted to clamber out of the coffin, still half-blinded by petroleum jelly. The coffin tipped over and it fell onto the floor upside down, trapping Noel inside. He panicked and started to thrash around, vision and senses blinded.

Then the coffin was lifted off him.

Noel, weakened by the shock and surprise and effort, lay limply as someone quickly wiped the vaseline off his head with a towel, and then set about scooping away the goo from his natty polyester suit.

Noel opened his eyes.

"Ah!" said Kryten from Red Dwarf. "I see Sir has finished rebooting."

Noel stared at the angular latex face, so familiar and beloved by millions of thirty-year-old men who occasionally watch Dave. He frowned. "What the fuck is going on?" he demanded.

"Well," said Kryten, and then the comedy android's head was blown apart by a well-aimed shot from Clarence Boddicker.

Boddicker aimed his shotgun at Noel. "Okay, mothercrusher," he said, the second word sounding oddly dubbed. "I'm giving you to the count of three to get the heck out of my branch of Halfords."

Noel struggled to his feet, took a step and then fell into a display of sat navs.

"One..."

Noel staggered up again, walked a few more steps, lost balance, and went flying over some BMX bikes.

"Two..."

Noel realised he wasn't going to be able to walk or run, so he opted to crawl as fast as he could. In a blind panic, he raced on hands and knees through the doors and set off the security alarm.

"What?! What is this baloney?" cried Boddicker. "You stupid, stinking mothercrushing thief!" Noel suddenly noticed that he had somehow unconsciously stolen a pile of tyres, which were tied to his back with string.

Boddicker ran after Noel, screaming, gun firing wildly...

I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in....It lit up green when he had a drag of it.

funny how Noel failed to foresee one of the defining totems of Underclass 2014

who is the US Noel Gallagher I wonder

― BIG MUFFIN (gbx), Monday, November 8, 2010 10:19 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark

KANYE

― kanellos (gbx), Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:18 AM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Turns out Noel's a big fan of Yeezus:

I was at a party quite soon after that, and that track "Black Skinhead" came on. I didn't know who it was – like I said, I'm not wised up on that kind of shit. I was like, "What the fucking hell is this?" And turns out it's off that new album. So I got the album, and it's fucking great. I really like it. Particularly that track – it's fucking out there, do you know what I mean? It's got a great low-fi, punk vibe to it.

Not as much of a fan of Miley Cyrus though:

It's just embarrassing. Be good. Don't be outrageous. Anybody can be outrageous! I could go to the Rolling Stone office and fucking shit on top of a boiled egg, right? And people would go, "Wow, fucking hell, that's outrageous!" But is it any good? No, because, essentially, it's just a shit on top of a boiled egg.

Apparently Lady Gaga is doing something similar:

Lady Gaga for me is all about that first album, because my daughter and my wife loved it. I've never heard of her since. What does that say? That speaks volumes, to me. She's another one. In fact, she's probably doing a shit on top of a boiled egg right now. And somebody will fucking freeze it and call it art.

to sum up: many people were shitting on boiled eggs in 2013

Rolling 2013 Shitting On Boiled Eggs Bobbins