Depression and what it's really like

ha, i'm kinda upset this has been bumped again (although that strip is lol), because i am having a very, very dark night of the soul.

what can you do just to stop the overwhelming, white-hot intensity of anxiety and bottomless despair?

sigur ros' latest seems to be a slight balm...

there are a lot of things you can do

http://psychologyconsultants.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Activity-Planning.pdf

the dishes

xp - probably one of the pleasurable or pamper-y things, which it seems like you are doing with listening to music you like

What is the source of the anxiety?

I have been feeling really flat because I've done nothing recently except watch tennis, but I'm trying to read up on the players I'm watching that I'm not familiar with. Then hopefully I can join in usefully with the chat on the tennis thread rather than just waffling uninformed crap. The other night, I got really down, that anxiety and bottomless despair thing you mention, and I cried and screamed and hit my pillow for a while, then made myself a really good coffee and ate some biscuits and zoned out and played bejeweled blitz on facebook for about two solid hours by which time I was a bit more chilled and a bit less despairing. The screaming and crying helped get the feelings out of my head (if you can't cry and scream, I also recommend listening to the Ramones really loudly for distraction purposes. Or looking at video clips of kittens on the internet)

And I know it's not a cure, but it's a useful sticking plaster to get you by until you can find a better solution.

define a really good coffee please my usual techniques are all failing me lately

I have a schmancy coffee machine, so double-shot dark roast espresso topped with steamed full-fat milk and three sugars is my coffee kick of choice right now, but that's maybe not the best if you want a restful night.

i have as much chance of a restful night at this stage as do you i reckon, s-c-h-m-a-n-c-y ok got it thanks

:-)

Seriously, good coffee is one of my favourite things. I expect caffeine is not really the cure for a jittery mind, but at least it stops me zoning out completely from life.

I have one of these, requested in a rare moment of clarity when asked what I wanted for my birthday. Best present ever! Even the act of making the coffee starts to make me feel better.

http://www.staticwhich.co.uk/media/images/product/gaggia_cubika-plus-234902.jpg

i've been doing habitrpg which isn't really doing much for me except now i floss, but i imagine it could be interesting for some others itt

does it have fun bleepy music with whooshy-whirry sounds?

Ooh, that looks a decent concept at least. My GP and counsellor are trying to encourage me (unsuccessfully thus far) into doing some meaningful activity with my day rather than sitting around the house in my pyjamas talking shite on the internet, so maybe the game idea will spur me into actually doing it for myself? I'm terrible at routine, and love wasting time on stupid games, so turning my life into one sounds ideal.

it is admittedly fun for me trying to figure out how to balance it, i just haven't been able to yet -- i've not structured it so i'm in any real danger of "dying" or not having enough coins for my rewards, which aren't really that enticing anyway

if i were less depressed maybe (loooool) it could be a quality way to find (like literally determine) structure and balance in my life and also make "actually doing things" more tangible and accessible, but i'm worried that if i arranged it to 'force' me to do the new things i want/need to do in the back of my head and stop doing the things i shouldn't be doing until i've earned them, i'd just go fuck it and bail

ailsa, you sorta have to give into it -- which is a good thing (cause it's still YOU in control, it's just there to help) and a bad thing (cause it's still on you to follow through). imo the actual in-game stuff (buying swords and shit) isn't interesting or worthwhile, but maybe you'd be different. i also haven't messed with a lot of that stuff so i don't really know what i'm talking about.

you have some manner of control over the mechanics but it mostly determines reward/punishment based on how often you do a thing, so the more often you do something the less you get for it, and if you keep missing out on your dailies your health goes down exponentially. not sure how useful it'd be for doing just one thing as opposed to a bunch of things. but hey, now i floss. except when i don't want to. not much of a loss rn.

this all must sound v nerdy if you don't know what i'm talking about

i'm a second level cleric with 7 hp

I think I get it, and I might try it. What's the worst that could happen, right?

now dont be like that

"What is the source of the anxiety?"

just this hideous sticky feeling in my mouth that's been lasting for days. i have problems with the inside of my mouth which leaves large sections of it permanently sticky, sore and dried out, but it's not dry mouth. this has spread, thanks to a period of stress around new year, to my throat, tongue and uvula, so I permanently feel like I'm about to throw up, have a harsh cough, raw throat, feels like my uvula is constantly sticking to my tongue. add to that chronic pain elsewhere and you have one very miserable and frantic AM.

aisla and zachlyon, i hope you feel more positive soon. i whinge a lot, but i'm hoping to be there for others as well. best wishes to everyone in this thread.

drink lots of hot tea

thanks late great. I picked up a bottle of medicated mouth & throat relief today, so I'm praying that works for me. The fact that my uvula keeps sticking to my tongue is driving me utterly round the bend.

Today I think I will stay in bed and try to relax, which will be easy considering my cat has decided to flop over my right leg and trap me here.

the late great, thanks for the worksheet!

Honey is my answer for everything tbh. Not to be all woo-woo but I believe honey is really good for wound care--anti-septic and moistening and soothing.

It's either that or aloe, and I definitely don't want to eat aloe gel.

mmm delicious aloe drinks

http://www.theguardian.com/global-development/poverty-matters/2014/jan/01/surgihoney-treatment-infected-wounds

IANAD or a med student even but here u go. Start gumming some nice honey and feel better soon!

It's been hard for me to admit it to myself but I'm depressed again. I'm not very skilled at noticing my own moods and emotions until they get really bad, and around Xmas time I started to notice it. Was considering going back to therapy, but it seemed kind of shameful to do so, which is somewhat hypocritical of me because I was unashamed when I was going to therapy, and I've encouraged several friends to try therapy. Logically I knew I should go back if I need the help, but emotionally it felt like regression.

Any thoughts about myself fell away when my father passed away unexpectedly a few days after Xmas. Thankfully we have a lot of friends and family who were able to help us get through things, but because he died abroad, there were a lot more complications and it required my mom, brother, and I to take an emergency trip to India. I didn't get too many moments to think until we got home about two weeks after his death. Even now, we're still dealing with some logistical things, but the whole experience has forced me to look at myself and realize that I'm still depressed, and was so even before he died. I'm gonna be starting therapy again, with the same therapist who helped me two years ago, but it's different than the last time. Previously we were working on my social anxiety, which I thought at that time was the cause of my depression. But the depressed feelings I've been having the past month or so aren't caused by anxiety, I don't think. We're gonna be delving into uncharted waters, which is scary for me. It's harder to find hope that things will be ok, but with my therapist's help I mostly overcame the social anxiety, so maybe we can do this too.

Anyway, I just needed to vent and make my own thoughts clear to myself. This year has been fucking awful. I've talked about a lot of this with close friends, but it's hard to be 100% honest with them.

is it bad that i don't feel as if i can confront my brother about his alcoholism?

depends what you mean by "bad"

@Chris: Well people train for some time to be professional alcohol counsellors so you shouldn't feel as if you have to just know how to do that?

Him being your brother probably makes it harder. So no, you shouldn't feel bad at all (in my opinion).

Chris, it would most likely be a pointless, if not damaging, exercise anyway.

Feel like I need to talk to a doctor about going back on anti-depressants, and probably maybe also a therapist, but also feel like a) don't want to go through the humiliating and expensive experience of looking for a therapist and b) might be at that point where anti-depressants might just motivate me enough to hurt myself somehow.

I hate my fucking life.

So I am LESS lachrymal after months of taking antidepressants again but I have this near-constant message from my brain "kill yourself kill yourself" D:
but just now realized it is maybe a medication side effect?? is this a thing?

Sorry TO BE REAL

poor fucking ilx only hears from me when it's breaking point to twell someone what a sad saddo I am

Dude that really sounds like med side.effects - go see yr dr asap

that sounds like a good idea, first thing.

agree, that's not the sort of side effect you should have to endure in order to be less lachrymal.

for real Crabs, for real. getting on/back on/new meds will have this kind of effect sometimes, but if it's this bad definitely consider more options for meds. /hugs

afaik, 'suicidal thoughts' is listed as a potential side effect from a lot of anti-depressants. It is very possible that's what's going on. Do seek medical advice, plz. Crabbits, you're an excellent human being and ilx has often seen your brilliant sense of humor. Take care of yourself.

Hey Crabbs: 1. you are awesome 2. go and see yr doc

Does that voice/mental meme have persuasion to it or is it more of an imp of the perverse voice like yr brain tongueing at a sore tooth? Thinking of you crabbs pls take this to your prescriber...

It's mostly just a distressing intrusive thought but worrying enough that I try to always have someone to hang out with or talk to on the phone, and the times I don't are when I get worried (eg this morning when I posted this)

ma'am you are a very important person in the world. please take care of yourself. signed, a fellow teacher who has dark moments.

calling my doc Monday fyi thanks everyone

took lexapro until it gave me suicidal thoughts, back in high school. it was definitely "intrusive thoughts", really literally, just like someone took my brain and spliced in images of my suicide at a random arbitrary point. i still get (non-suicidal) intrusive thoughts but never quite like that.

fun fact everyone i've ever known who has taken lexapro has had a really shitty time with it

i had a shitty time with it for several years! actually, i think the generic version has less-shitty side effects for me.

anyone have thoughts about celexa vs lexapro, or more accurately the generic versions therein