Ambushed by unexpected emotion

xp yea i think when it gets into teenage years i don't really know, it get's complicated since teens are in such a weird mix of childhood and adulthood. like i said i don't know the upper limit. but when i reflect on guilt or embarrassment i still feel from stuff that i did in my youth, i try to really think about whether i was really responsible at all. i mean, how morally developed is a 12-year old? like what was empty or lacking in my life as a kid that made me treat someone a particular way, you know? kids may have a moral sensibility but it's totally undeveloped and i'm not sure it's clear that that translates to a moral responsibility. fwiw i have zero expertise in child psychology or moral psychology.

i have zero expertise in child psychology or moral psychology

me, either. i speak only from my own experiences and as the father of a 12 -- soon to be 13 -- year old daughter, who i worry about all the time, even if she seems so much more emotionally together than i did at her age.

(as i sometimes say, my invisible child psychology degree hangs framed on the wall, next to my invisible engineering degree.)

when I analyze it, I think part of my emotion is the feeling of wanting to let go of all that resentment

my ford KA -- in the family since 1999, mainly used by a friend the last 2xyrs -- just went off to be cubed

i am not a wreck but i am sad: in 2007 i travelled the vertical length of france and back in that trusty little thing w/o mishap (lol except for backing into someone and scrunching up their driver's door in the languedoc hamlet of ASPIRAN)

when the saxes come in on this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oanAeie_Tag

In about 2006 I saw Brian Wilson and the Wondermints doing the rejigged Smile in Sydney. It was all beautifully performed and Brian himself was kind of a curio on stage, present but not quite, as the elaborate music unfolded around him. Then they started "Surf's Up" and it suddenly hit me that this man's life had been a shattered wreck from the time he wrote this song until now, and here he was performing it in all its glory as an aged, frail man, it just hit me like a hammer and I bawled in my seat.

So there I am, cleaning my kitchen on a Saturday afternoon, decided to have a little nostalgia trip by putting on Parklife. Singing along to 'To The End' I hear my voice crack and before I know it I'm standing in the middle of the room weeping.. Sometimes you think you're over someone..

Surfs Up is such a masterpiece, so much feeling

Meadow Soprano graduating high school. She reminds me of my daughter.

Bawled.

A couple of months ago I found a nice little animation that Queen had made for when they reissued News Of The World, for the song "All Dead, All Dead", I never realised it was about Brian May's long-gone childhood pet cat, because I'm colossally soft and the little cat in the animation is very sweet, I just broke into bits out of nowhere.

https://bsmrocks.bandcamp.com/album/i-spent-the-winter-writing-songs-about-getting-better

in 'white sheep':

I hate myself for feeling this way
'Cause if my dad showed me anything, it's that anyone can change
He went from always angry, smoking a pack a day
To calling me up to say he’s proud of the life that I made

i'm havin a fuckin cat's in the cradle moment over here or something

When I first heard the choir thunder in on the chorus towards the end of Selena Gomez's otherwise ordinary 'Lose You To Love Me' I had a serious moment. Although the real lip wobbler for me last year was Shura's 'Tommy'.

That bit in Lumpy Gravy about 9 mins in with Motorhead Sherwood talking about what jobs he had, there's all these background voices come in, then the sound of doors slamming for no reason and the doors make me really, really anxious.

Alameda, Elliott Smith, 7/31/1997 @ the Knitting Factory. but right now. the bootleg. It's a great show

I knew there was eventually going to be a song that would tip me over the edge. Honestly, never in a million years did I think that song would be 'November Rain'.

The third guitar solo represents the winter epidemic long after the peak.

In 2001 my girlfriend and I took a road trip from our home near Houston to San Jose to scout out places to live in anticipation of an impending move for grad school. This was going to be the first time that I had left my family and our close circle of friends and there had been endless going away parties and shit. I was excited and handling things pretty well, although in the back of my mind things were sort of jittery. Towards the end of the time in San Jose we went to see AI, the Spielberg/Kubrick movie. Liked it well enough but I felt sort of odd afterwards. When we walked out of the theater and got into our vehicle I broke down hard and couldn't talk well enough to explain what was happening. Gasping sobbing ugly crying. I was a total wreck for about an hour. I guess the little boy/robot being separated from his family is what triggered the episode, but it wasn't that I found the movie terribly sad or even compelling. It just happened to be the key that unlocked all the junk in my head.

We had somewhere we had to be in San Francisco and my lady had to drive because I was incapable. I remember laying on the bench seat in the truck with my head on her lap just like I did with my mom when I was little.

I can't really remember if I liked the movie that much and I periodically think about revisiting it but I turn chicken every time.

Bowie at the end of Jojo Rabbit broke me.

I’ve knowingly only cried 3 times to a piece of music. But the three culprits make me somewhat ashamed so I’ll never tell.

it can't be that bad. one of my most memorable time of crying was at the end of terminator 2 (arnold with the thumbs up in the lava), and my dad calling me out on it.

I am so starved for human companionship atm.

had to postpone my trip to visit my best friend in Virginia. she's on the spectrum, also struggles with depression, and is very misunderstood by people, because she's really fighting herself in her own head all the time and beats herself up for it.

some of my fav memories (and least fav memories) were with her in the last year. she worries (like I do) about unexplained medical symptoms and had herself freaked out that she needed to go to the ER for neurological issues, and her boyfriend, god bless him, rushed home from what he was doing and tucked her in and gave her her stuffed animal and I just started crying because I was relieved she has someone as wonderful as him in her life (I've met him, he's good people) and I dote on her like a big brother.

I miss her so much :(. I keep worrying that I missed my last chance to see her, as paranoid as that sounds. but when she talks about wanting to die or having suicidal thoughts, I can't help but think those things. we talk on the phone almost every day and have for about 2+ years.

i'm doing ok through this quarantine but every week I feel more starved for human connection. going to Asia alone for work last year was tough, but I was able to make connections with co-workers, who took me out to show me a good time.

I live with a roommate who I barely know and is never home, and although I thought of the idea of proposing shacking with my other best friend (who I've known 16 years), idk if it's a good idea. i may hint at it anyway, but I don't like inviting myself to things, even though this guy would give me the shirt off his back.

i've been drinking so I'm a little emo. but got kinda hit by an unexpected wave tonight that's for sure.

Thanks for sharing that. A lot of us are going to need to unburden over the coming weeks.

agree.

One time I was singing Muskrat Love at the karaoke, and I totally got this lump in my throat, choking back a single, tiny sob, just as I hit the lines about where Sam asking if Suzie will be his Mrs, and Suzie saying yes with her kisses. Some girl, all but snuggling with her boyfriend a few bar stools down, audibly says "Aww he kinda choked up there on that part, did you hear it honey?" thus ensuring everyone shared in my humiliation at my karaoke bar that day.

aw

i have had this happen to me today

I was just listening to Tempest again because of the new Dylan song. I always liked the title track fine but never found it particularly meaningful or moving, but today I was hit hard by "The watchman he lay dreaming/ the damage had been done/ he dreamed the Titanic was sinking/ and he tried to tell someone."

listening to late period Pizzicato Five and maybe it’s just the whole “haven’t heard these great great tunes in 10+ years” thing working its magic but... I get such strong feelings from this stuff. Maki Nomiya is such a fabulous vocalist, especially when she really belts it out. This P5 thing.. Something about the mixture of the Bacharach-y (?) chords with her assured delivery, on top of the sometimes cartoonishly bright PARTY DOWN vibes, it’s a really powerful righteous message of fabulousness, like just kicking down the door of self-flagellation and letting yourself be glamorous and awesome in your own personal way in everyday life. It’s all about her singing, though for me, it totally seals the deal. Why the hell I’ve never bothered to check out her solo career is a tragic mystery. I know, “get a blog”.

!!!

Now Playing Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag wheatus

— BBC Radio 3 🎵 #NowPlaying Bot (@BBCR3MusicBot) December 24, 2021

AMBUSHED!

oh yeah!!!

How could I have forgotten about this stone cold classic thread!?!
Reminds me I want to read this recent book---intro'd here on Fresh Air:
In his new book, 'Music is History,' Roots co-founder Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson moves year-by-year through his life, writing about memories and turning points, and the songs he was listening to at the time.Terri Gross plays the hits, incl. "Freddie's Dead"'s vamp: when it first goes up on the last note is just when he burned his leg on the radiator---says he had scars into his teens, and you can hear his intake of breath when it makes that little change---talks about the good associations too---stream or download: pr.org/2021/10/12/1045272890/questlove-on-the-soundtrack-of-his-life
(The interview where he talks about Summer of Soul is also cool, duh)

This one I posted about on the Bootleg Series thread got to me:
This latest issue of xpost enewsletter Flaggin' Down The Double Ees, which always includes downloads of Dylan shows, old and new (free: a couple times a month, paid: more), also tells the story, via various sources, of Dylan half-assing "Dark Eyes," then getting it together w Patti Smith, and then---well, it's a lovely story indeed, I think, even though haven't yet checked the linked musical results https://dylanlive.substack.com/p/dark-eyes

Especially what she says about it---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFXsJ49CIt8 my mother hasn't died yet but this hit me hard because my mother is in the process of dying and this came up coincidentally

Don't do this to me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Moz6XOAKK5U

XP I'm sorry to hear this Jonathan. Best wishes to you

My sympathies, Jonathan.

Not quite tears, but certainly chills.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FC3y9llDXuM

https://steidl.de/Books/Gas-Stop-0317385059.html

Gas Stop by David Freund

This is a four-volume set of books featuring photos of gas stations made in the late 1970s and early 1980s, and I am moved to tears just about every time I look through it.

A couple of years ago my (now 8-year-old) child heard Maroon 5's "Memories" somewhere, and liked it, and asked to play it a lot. I don't like Maroon 5 or this song (though I do like Pachelbel's canon). My child added it to one of his playlists. Some time passed, and when it popped up on his playlist again he said he couldn't listen to it because it reminded him of one of our cats who had died in the interim. So now when I hear this song that I really don't like in the grocery store or wherever, it makes me well up a little.

I found out in my facebook feed that a guy who went to the same law school as me (ten years after me, didn't know him) died of cancer. He was given his diploma early. His girlfriend, a magazine writer, made a wedding for them a few weeks before he died (I'm p sure when she knew he was dying). This story is turning me into a weepy mess. I don't think I've cried at anything for at least months.

https://www.vogue.com/slideshow/ashley-reese-and-rob-stengel-wedding

sorry, she did know he was dying, it says that

delighted to say that the effect documented nearly twenty-three years at start of thread still operates: i remain (mildly) dirtbag-pilled wheatus-ambush-wise 😭😭😭

enough time elapsed to make it unexpected again