Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

in orbit on the money.

Well he coulda put "single" and the question would not have even been asked - I just know "available" is generally code for "im a poly slut", so I thought I'd clear it up right from the getgo.

He seems like a nice kid regardless, so.

a preposterous cunt of late

<3

Ugh "available" ugh. It only ever means "married" or "poly" or "married but on my way out of my marriage with a last-ditch attempt at being 'poly'" with varying degrees of "do not touch with someone else's dick" but yes, for real. It is so much better than people who are in those states who just click "single". And I am certainly aware that "people who dally around with you, while keeping their profile active as if waiting for a better option" is also a thing, and I can understand wanting to keep your options open until something becomes serious. But it is also sending a very clear message to the person you are seeing, that "you aren't serious, you are a pass-time" and that's kind of an icky thing to convey to anyone, let alone someone who wants something more.

My profile remains off. It's not like it makes much of a difference between being off or on, but when it's on, I feel like I'm being proactive in the "meeting people" setting, even if that activity is looking at profiles and just thinking "what on earth do you think we could possibly have in common?"

I had, for a brief period, a mental conception of "a person who could possibly be attracted to me" in my head, enough to start trying to look. But it's gone now, and I think it's actually a bad idea to portray yourself as available on this site, when you don't even have a mental construction of the possibility of "someone that might be interested in (shagging) me".

http://i.imgur.com/un7Kzqr.png

Bravo.

I think I annoyed the ballet dancer turned masseur turned office guy, by not wanting to meet on the weekend (no weekend first dates), not wanting to go to a restaurant (no eating on first dates) and not wanting to 'chat on the phone' beforehand (why, why? That's insanely awkward for me). That's ok, because he annoyed me by verbally patting me on the head about something I wrote in my profile.

those are all really good rules

No phone calls, for the love of god this is why text messaging was invented.

i'm off okc for now, but may I ask, is the no weekend first dates idea because it's too much pressure?

most of the women who contact me want to chat on the phone first... I am a fan because I am good at chatting, and sometimes even though they're nice you know there's no way, and that's easier to deal with on the phone.

I second the no eating rule though, do not want to be at the mercy of the waiter if it's going badly.

xp - for me, no weekend first dates is because on a weekday, it's easier to claim you have to be up early the next day and therefore must end the date now. On the weekend, there's a tacit expectation that people can stay out longer, and I don't want to feel even the slightest hint that I ought to make this a long date, if I'm not feeling it. It's not about pretending I have something else to do on the weekend.

f. hazel, do you also exchange quite a few messages before you speak on the phone? I can hardly even handle that! But I see your point about saying 'there's no way' on the phone and not having to go through the date. How do you phrase it, though? 'It's been great to talk to you but I'm not sure we'd be a good match?' I've got good at doing that after one date now, but only in an email or a text.

no, usually just two or three messages... I'll suggest meeting up, and more often than not they ask me to call them on the phone to set it up, which I assume means they want to talk to me a little first. usually we'll chat for an hour or so and then set up a coffee date. I've been told thanks but no thanks, and I think when I said it, it was "clearly we'd be good friends, but I don't think we'd work as a couple" (she was particularly looking for a boyfriend and not new friends) and of course sometimes you lose your nerve and say you're too busy at the moment and let's get back in touch when I have some free time. which isn't awesome, but it happens. I've also set up a coffee date and then been cancelled on by text message. I understand why that's easier.

to clarify, the no eating rule is so that you're not stuck there waiting for food if the date goes really badly? makes sense.

So many rules! If I applied all those I'd never get a date with anyone. I always try for a Friday night if I can. Never know what might happen ;)

to clarify, the no eating rule is so that you're not stuck there waiting for food if the date goes really badly? makes sense.

― Nhex, Monday, January 20, 2014 12:59 AM (2 hours ago)

For me, personally, it's because I eat like a Hun.

xps - Nhex, yes. Trayce- I would make exceptions to all these rules if I got a very strong *feeeeling* about someone. Which has happened before, and I've been right about the IRL chemistry!

weird i thought i posted something here last night

the no-eating thing: eating is a little more intimate, and yeah, takes more time. you can't talk with food in your mouth. a lot of people have particularities about food they might not want to get into right away. first dates mean a lot of nervous energy which messes with appetite anyway. plus it adds the wrinkle of coordinating an agreeable place to eat with someone you don't know. there are more places to sit and have a decent drink than a good meal. on top of all that, it's more money! don't eat!

What ljub says, it's all negotiable under the right circumstances, but generally speaking I think first dates are complex enough without factors like awkward pacing, waiters intruding, being stuck at table if it goes badly, fighting crowds on a weekend, etc.

I went out w someone last Thurs and the first 4 bars we tried were so crowded you couldn't get a seat or a ledge for your drink, and at least one had a waiting list. For realz Monday night is the new date night.

otm, re: dinner.

its best to get coffee/a drink. if you get that "this will never work out" feeling immediately, you can extract yourself way sooner than you can @ a full meal

if you've messaged someone, they haven't replied, but they visit your profile about once every other day, its best not to read anything in to that, right?

that, or tumble into a bottomless abyss of ambiguity, your call

My current ish is getting the "This will never work out" feeling immediately, how soon is too soon to bow out?

Unless the person's a total dick, I'd say about 30 mins. A "nice to have met you but this won't work out" isn't too bad.

I have trouble keeping it to less than two drinks' worth of time. Nngh. I feel like leaving after 1 (approx 30-40 mins?) is really obvious but maybe that's kinder.

That seems like a slow beer pace to me

probably best not to pound your drink on a first date

30 minutes for 1 beer tho?

Yeah maybe I made that number up. Anyway, I'll work on the one-drink option even though when it took me 45 mins to get there on the train it seems silly, but lately I just wish I were back home being comf.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUAueFkVYvA

I have trouble keeping it to less than two drinks' worth of time. Nngh. I feel like leaving after 1 (approx 30-40 mins?) is really obvious but maybe that's kinder.

lately I just wish I were back home being comf.

This is exactly what happens to me. I can drink a beer a lot faster than 30 mins, but it would just feel unseemly to leave after anything less than an hour and a half.

Today I was contacted by a 97% match who sounds like the kind of lovely, caring person I ought to be into but don't seem to be into. I mean, I very much am into lovely, caring people! It's just nice if they have... some edge. (I have no edge and I am a hypocrite). Anyway, I feel as though I have to meet him because he's a high match and I can't come up with any reasons not to other than 'I am not immediately attracted to you based on this short piece of writing'. I think I might be better off paying attention to my 80-something % matches.

I very much *am* into lovely, caring people! It's just nice if they have... some edge.

the eternal struggle

I'm interested how all these 'rules' serve to do damage control on bad dates.

That's why my only rule is not to go on any.

Yay I have a date! I think this might be my first date in years!

edgy sociopaths so much more fun let's face it *stab*

xp Nice, Van Horn!

I'm interested how all these 'rules' serve to do damage control on bad dates

If 'bad dates' = horrible, get-me-out-of-here experiences with online dating, I've had very few of those and I don't think my rules would save me from one. For me, it's more about 1. having not that much free time and feeling resentful about using it in ways that don't involve a DVD box set or a good book and 2. that sinking feeling of no chemistry, which is all I want from this whole process. If I could get myself into the 'hey, anthropology, interesting people!' mindset, I'd perhaps be happy to have dinner, talk on the phone beforehand, etc. In day-to-day life, yes, but on dates, the disappointment at lack of chemistry short-circuits my interest in just enjoying the chat.

Plus re dinner - sorry, another rule and I'm sure we covered this above - I personally don't ever let my date pay for both of us, not even on later dates unless it turns into an actual relationship (at which point I can get the check sometimes, my date can get it other times, no big deal). I don't in any way disapprove of others letting their date get the check, but it's not for me. It's easier not to get into an end-of-date-fuss about this if it was just drinks and not dinner. Maybe I'll have to change this up on later dates now that I'm a student as there's more likely to be a much greater income difference than there has been in the past. Depends on their taste in restaurants!

That is enough rules from me.

tbf i had a date last week that at first was like whoa this person is weird then became really quite good -- at least enough to wonder if our weirdnesses matched up at all, anyway

there's surely a difference between women being weird and dudes being weird, though

Dudes being weird, if it's good-weird or intriguing-weird, can definitely prolong my interest and puts the 'is there chemistry' decision in the balance for a while.

I think okc has made me think/care about people's specific facial features A LOT more than I would have otherwise. When you meet someone you get an overall impression that includes someone's bearing, voice, how they look at you...you're not like, "God I HATE his CHIN, no, no, I could never look at that every day" or whatever.

ljubljana, apologies if this advice is unwanted, but one of the best messages I have taken away from the Enthusiastic Consent movement is that "I can't really think of any reason not to" is not a good reason to do something (in their context, it's "be in a relationship with" or "have sex with" - but I think it also works for "go on a date with".) We're always taught that we have to have a good reason *not* to do something (especially something that someone else, often a man, wants to do) - but really "I don't feel any particularly strong reason to do this" *IS* a perfectly valid and reasonable reason not to do something.

Yes, that's true. With online dating, though, if I'm always holding out for 'feeling chemistry from the moment I look at the page' I feel as though I'm stymying myself a bit! And if I had a bad feeling (not even 'bad' - more 'bored' or 'annoyed') from someone's profile, of course I wouldn't meet them. That's generally what happens, in fact!

My problem is, really, that I'm far more likely to converse with or even meet someone who makes me feel "annoyed" than "bored" because "annoyed" can actually be a mild aphrodisiac. I have realised that this isn't healthy - but again, this might come back to the "edgy" thing.

yes, there are definitely several flavours of 'annoyed'!

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2014/01/how-to-hack-okcupid/all/1

He retasked his bots to gather another sample: 5,000 women in Los Angeles and San Francisco who’d logged on to OkCupid in the past month. Another pass through K-Modes confirmed that they clustered in a similar way. His statistical sampling had worked. Now he just had to decide which cluster best suited him.

this is legit hide-behind-sofa horror

this is like something market research firms have done for years, except they give the clusters more evocative names

http://www.claritas.com/MyBestSegments/Default.jsp?ID=30&menuOption=segmentexplorer&pageName=Segment%2BExplorer