Depression and what it's really like

That is a pretty terrible idea! Is that true for inpatients too? Because on your first day out after major surgery there's nothing you want to do more than make appointments, go into town, see doctors, go to the chemists, etc.

(the two things I loved most about coming out of my last hospital stay were the big bag of codeine I was sent home with and the possibility of sleeping all day in my own bed to make up for the impossibility of sleeping through the night in a hospital)

depression + having a job is a bad mix for me right now. i'm in a weird, low place right now, plus i'm quitting smoking, so i feel like anti-social and shitty right now. my job environment is really social and i just feel like doing my own thing right now ... but that's like a crime or something. GOTTA BE SOCIAL. MUST HAVE SMILE ON FACE AT ALL TIMES. like it's a crime if I don't feel chit-chatty all the time. guess it's good that people want to talk to me, i just feel overwhelmed by the whole idea. the pressure just makes it a thousand times worse.

at the team meeting we were introduced to a new guy, and new guy said to everyone that it looked like I "wanted to hide". everyone looked at me with this mixture of pity, sadness, and discomfort. i wanted to deck the guy right in the face.

you should have, imo

i don't know if it's me or this job. other team members here have called me pretentious, weird, "maiden" since I work on fashion stuff and I'm a dude, etc. definitely didn't need this today i can tell ya that much.

eh, it's probably me

that sounds like a somewhat toxic workplace

maybe it is. two people on the other team we work with completely torment this one poor dude who has low self esteem ... they tried that shit on me when i first got here, too (which i was able to avoid). now that I think about it there are actually a lot of assholes at this job. i know i've gotta take care of my social presentation and all, but this environment seems filled with nutcases. wonder if that's not helping my depression any.

tormenting a dude with low self esteem? hilarious!

yeah. i can tell they have low self-esteem, too, and they bug me to hang out with them but it's like ... i don't want to hang out with people who treat others like that.

even random people I meet here are bizarre. this attractive woman i bumped into started talking me, and she's from a country another friend I had was from, and I mentioned I might see her on vacation, and this woman said, "use her up. use her for everything she's worth." and i was like WTF!? she's nice to me, too, and I think she's attracted to me, but I don't know if I want anything to do with people who say shit like that. i'm flaying myself for being anti-social at my job, but so many people i've met here are absolutely bonkers.

o_O

do you work with cocaine junkies?

lol. i wish i could say i didn't know what you were talking about Spectrum, but there are offices that are just filled with people like this. i don't believe it's just a coincidence; the people hiring at these companies know what kind of people they're gunning for.

ugh Spectrum, calling attention to a colleague for looking nervous should be acknowledged as a major first day faux pas in any job, sorry you seem to work in an environment where "it's all cool, bro, take a joke"

long emo post time, sorry - me 6 days ago:

"maybe this isn't the right time for therapy for you" ... mostly doing the homework ... but ... halfassing it, not committing, producing the bare minimum ... with a lame "I found this difficult"

Well, nearly time for the weekly session. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I've tried to do the homework (still found it difficult: evidence for/against thinking and one-word summaries of Emotion Felt always feel so lame, repetitive, ugh); it may not be up to her standards but I'll try to present it without disclaimer.

Thing is, every week I'm meant to fill in "key point to take away from this session" and then "what I found most useful over the week" and I've almost never filled it in, so that's probably a big reason why she thinks I'm half-assing it. But it's partly because I leave the session and have to rush back to work and put everything out of my mind and partly because, well, we just don't seem to have major key points. Which creates a vicious circle where she thinks I'm halfassing so she softballs even more and we just talk and there's even less to write on the sheet for next time so she thinks I'm quarterassing, etc. I think?

Hokay, back to trying to extract something from my memories of last week to fill in. I hope that I get more than one more session if she does cut me off so I can try to learn from this experience as to what I need to do differently, how can I know when I'm finally ready to make the change, etc.

Hi, aps! I have a really high opinion of your faculties and processing and expressiveness, because p much all we do around here is wave those things around, so you can try to divert this with some self-deprecation but I won't believe you. And what you say makes me wonder if this is the right therapy or whatever for you? Or approach or time or therapist--not to dissuade you from working on your things, JUST THE OPPOSITE, but you sound like you're either inhibited and holding back by not trying, or not very interested in this direction of change for yourself.

That's pretty presumptuous, I would love to be wrong, just what it looks like to me, which is that you're intelligent and thoughtful and would like to feel better and yet you don't seem interested in this as a project at all.

being required to learn a lesson on schedule would make me resist the 'hard work'.

maybe the idea is just to routinize self-awareness, render self-judgments in lowest-possible-stakes terms, so that you can acclimatize yourself to doing them without their being freighted with everything that keeps a person frozen, stuck by the way they are.

io your summary seems otm! but I don't know WHY I am not interested enough to work at it, or whether it is just inhibition/uncertainty, or how to change it either way

maybe the idea is just to routinize self-awareness, render self-judgments in lowest-possible-stakes terms

this seems like a good goal and maybe I am overestimating the import the weekly lessons need to have - maybe it is ok just to have found a small lesson or something obvious but worth remembering, write that down and bear it in mind and be able to say "this week I started to feel bad but I thought about this one tiny point from last week and felt 5% less sad"?

(this is going to be my approach for this week, so I'll see if it seems sufficient)

having to fill things out would be hard for me, and that's kind of the point as I surface a lot of my anxieties as procrastination in work/social life. basically I'm scared to complete things. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid of being evaluated or because I feel nothing is ever really _done_ so why try to complete any part of it.

think of completing the worksheet as a tangible goal at the end of the therapy session, maybe? or something that you allocate time to add to throughout the week.

I guess what I am saying is that perhaps it's not the summary of the therapy that is the goal of this exercise, but instead the actual completion of the worksheet?

yeah. i'm obviously the most important thing in my life, so i would find it very hard to dial that down and perform a little activity that appeared to be an insignificant, inconsequential version of what i'm caught up in constantly ('if i'm going to THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS then i had better really get somewhere by doing it, not this worksheet shit!').

maybe your person should be giving the 12-step advice: 'work the program'.

In the past, I've written a trivial comment on ilx or elsewhere, gone on with my day, and suddenly had an epiphany about life -- the reason I think some stupid thing that I based my comment in turns out to be some belief I inherited from my family and never questioned. Sometimes just putting your thoughts into words on paper stirs up those neurons.

I surface a lot of my anxieties as procrastination in work/social life. basically I'm scared to complete things.

hey me too! except I might be scared to start things.

I shall try to, uh, gamify the completion of the worksheet in my mind I guess. Worksheet completed = every last chest on level opened, progress to next level, etc; writing on worksheet = signifier of engagement and progress aside from actual meaning of writing

Just write across the top: "I am not good at starting things, such as this worksheet" and roll from there

If I'm avoiding starting something and it's detrimental to me and against what I claim to want, which is to progress in some way, it's usually because I'm uncertain of next steps, unstudied in that skill area, haven't solidified my ideas, or am just avoiding the study/work of digging in EVEN WHEN THE TOPIC INTERESTS ME. It's SO self-sabotaging. Lately I've been taking myself to task with questions like "Is this who you are, someone who lets herself be beaten by the unknown? Are you going to make any difference for people's lives by being afraid of learning??" It's kind of self-shaming, I guess, but not as punishment, just to get my goals back in sight. Won't work for everyone obv, and my procrastination/avoidance is not clinically significant, just a personal tendency that I'm not proud of.

It's kind of a personality glitch that's common to kids who were told they were smart or put in accelerated programs in school, according to some studies. Being intelligent, you feel like you're supposed to instantly figure things out or do well at them, and when you're not you feel like a failure. So you avoid new things, or avoid starting things.

Oh huh that's interesting.

I keep meaning to read that Carol Dweck book on this subject, but (drum roll) not starting it

lol

<3 aps throw any ol fuckin answer down and slam it on the desk like a boss imo

that's the spirit!

from what i've discovered re: being smart, having a hard time doing shit like this is that when you're smart it's pretty easy to get far just half-assing it. at least that's my case. overcoming depression, particularly with CBT type methods, requires a committed, daily, long-term discipline that doesn't bear any rewards without 1) significant sacrifice of time and emotion and 2) doesn't deliver rewards easily or quickly. this makes it a pain in the ass for me to get through this stuff, too.

like, i don't think you can half-ass this stuff if it's going to work

it's worth noting that intelligence, especially supposedly inherent intelligence measured by tests, is generally a garbage concept. the truth is that a lot of people could half-ass it should they invest the initial time to hone skills.

it's just that some people have honed the skill to intuit simple things and we're sailing on that

you can't really intuitively pull yourself out of depression

persistence is a skill! it requires practice. once i started to think about it that way, that i was developing a skill rather than filling a deficiency in myself, i have found that i was more likely to persist (in whatever situation) rather than giving up in frustration/boredom/arrogance.

Guys I had a short recovery. Like I was me again. I thought it was done. Then Saturday it was back. And worse. 10x worse. I feel like my days are numbered. Not by my one hand but I can't walk steadily. I can't talk or think properly. I feel like I'm 95. I feel like I need to be in hospital but then if my marriage goes sour illlose my kids and then it shotgun to the head time. I'm fuckef fucked fuckef

Yeah, the primary skill I learned in K-12 was how to circumvent effort as much as possible while still staying under the radar. It's not a skill that's served me in any positive way as an adult.

sunny?

sunny! we are with you! get well!

on a much lighter note, I feel the thread deserves a mention of this classic:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Good-bye-Depression-Hiroyuki-Nishigaki-ebook/dp/B007K97QIS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389739085&sr=1-1

hey take care sunny, thinking of you

Yeah, the primary skill I learned in K-12 was how to circumvent effort as much as possible while still staying under the radar. It's not a skill that's served me in any positive way as an adult.

hmm, that sounds very familiar. yeah I dunno if putting the time into the paperwork is going to translate to actually acquiring the skills required to beat this thing (or at least beat it back a little as needed), but it's definitely a useful and do-able first step to try.

here goes! I have written a lot of STUFF on the sheet so even if it's not what she wanted at least she should see I've put more time in. thanks to everyone here for encouragement and wise words

Hey sunny, we hear you and we're with you. You're not losing your mind or anything, this is temporary and treatable. Also pp isn't going to leave you because he knows which side his bread is buttered on and he'd be a fool (also we can find him irl). You got through cancer, you can get through this. Any progress on getting to see your doc?

I wouldn't be so sure about that

He's calling but I can't take his calls. It a whole lot of nothing

take deep breaths and look at pictures of great danes

Oh jeez sunny, this sounds horrific - are you taking any meds at all? Can you go to the er? If you go see someone, they're most likely not gonna hospitalize you, if that's what you're worried about, but they can def help you get through this, even if it's just a prescription for klonopin our something

fuck

sunny, dude, that voice in your head is not the truth, even though it feels like it. trust. ain't no-one leaving nobody and your kids are staying right where they belong.

please believe io, she speaks the truth

You have to do just one thing that gets you some help, just answer the phone or just go to your normal doctor/GP and let them know the situation so they can advocate for you. You have to keep it together for some Great Dane puppy who needs you.

http://greatdaneservicedog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/a2009121112922.jpg?w=197&h=300

^^^^ yes

also the poetry of Jah is the cloud that will carry u thru this

Walk with Me - Jah!nathan Larroquette

They clench their fists in ire / All too anxious to milk the desire / Breath new life into their reality / Oh won't you, won't you walk with me / If I've cut thee / An apology / Oh won't you, won't you walk with me / Its an awkward sensation / The knowing / The light / But I plead / Unstitch their eyes / Let them have sight / Breath new life into their reality / Oh won't you, won't you walk with me

one more for good measure

Funk Rap

Walking down the street just the other day / I see a blue pink panther coming my way / A fajita pita in his hand / Dreaded hair tied back with a rubber band / He blew me a kiss / Floated up to the sky / Then I looked into a mirror / And dived into the black of my eye / There I met a funky green worm / He gave me a map to the river of sperm / There I kick boxed with an armadillo / Then I woke up, I was punching my pillow / It was all a dream / But maybe that is the key / To the lock that stops us from prosperity