Depression and what it's really like

Getting dressed possibly overrated but anyway, thinking of you, Zora. And mookie, you too! I owe you an email back, I've just been brainless-busy.

Bingo. That right there points toward the biggest trap involved in the Big D, in my experience: the fact that its barbs come tipped with a tincture of morality. This is incredibly insidious. It's one of the things that keeps the jagged machinery of judgment running.

Helpful to call in the quieter but firmer machine of analysis in these situations

I'm really, really, really holding back my comments about the Big D.

Thanks peeps. You know, I was being a bit disingenuous upthread. Some of my woah-I'm not really here stuff is not gremlins, it's novel writing. The trouble is, there's a big overlap, and it can be hard to disentangle. I'm channeling a good deal of guilt and disappointment through my characters, but it is good, or at least OK, to be lost in many parts of the book.

Pyjamas are great. Perhaps not for 5 days straight though. I feel like I crossed a line, but at least I (mostly) remembered to brush my teeth.

I've had a good afternoon out in Big Town anyway, and feel almost civilized again \o/

Good news: I got dressed and out the door to an interview.
Better news: They seemed really impressed with my resume, and possibly my interview.
Horrible news: The position is for a managing editor, and the "managing" component is scaring me s***less.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/08/opinion/sunday/shameful-profiling-of-the-mentally-ill.html?hp&rref=opinion

well that's depressing

never call for help

things just keep getting bleaker. I'm starting to realize that my mental illness might go deeper than I thought & I might never be able to get past the walls I keep hitting w.r.t. staying organized, taking care of myself, having meaningful relationships with people

but I really don't want to have to go back to a therapist (I don't have the time or the patience or the desire) or go back on SSRIs (I tended to do even more stupid compulsive self-destructive shit while I was on them)

I just want to get my shit together but the more I try to dig myself out of the hole I've made for myself the worse I feel

maybe I have ADHD?? but I don't really want to go on meds for that either

I just need a hug

/hug

*hugs* you're a good person

wörd

"hey man no drama here i just like death that's all"

y'know crüt there are times I have felt like giving up and I am glad I got through them times, all the best to you.

thanks everyone. I'm not giving up yet.

Glad to hear it. I mostly lurk but I think you're one of the funniest people on this site, dude.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/018d04a02d6601313f79001dd8b71c47

what are the odds i actually make it to the nye party to which i have been invited

UH PRETTY GOOD I HOPE

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/pp201/sharonjoy666/blues_brothers_carrie_fisher_with_a_flamethrower-1.png

just leave now so you have plenty of time

Horrible few days. Stuck in the eternal mental health dilemma of wanting help, but not wanting to get sectioned again. That's it, nothing to say really, just wanted to create an external expression of my sadness.

dowd, sorry to hear that. I can sadly relate, as my mother is extremely depressed and is not wanting to go back into a psychiatric ward. I'm stuck with some lasting chronic pain as well, which has been very acute as of late.

not a happy start to 2014.

sorry dowd

Uh.

I thought I had "beat" depression or needing treatment for it...and I did for a few years. I was on anti-depressants ages 15-17, and 22-27, and in therapy most of my 20s. It helped, I started succeeding and built up enough confidence about some shit I had depressed-brain convinced myself was not possible. Por ejemplo, I was eventually convinced after years of bullying at church and at school anyone who liked me was pretending; eventually I made enough friends at new jobs and new cities to see it couldn't all be a behind the scenes puppet show. All the caring/fun/help/mutual appreciation between me and friends, family, coworkers, etc was reciprocal and real. That cognitive error that everyone truly despises me is still there all the time and still wearying but I have enough evidence-based shit it only turns into occasional brief sessions of self-pity and paranoia and anger instead of isolated months-long hauntedness. Not that I am totally over all my shit – there are enough other things most adults seem ok with but I am fucked up about, like feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed at the thought of buying a car (normal thing adults do). Anyway I don't want to act like I've "got it all figured out."

If I look back on this summer, there are signs in retrospect that I was getting a return phase of capital D depression. I'd built a story for myself that being on medication for years was circumstantial, just a consequence of several years of making a lot of incredibly stupid choices, having huge life changes, and some very bad chance experiences. I really thought that all the good choices I was making were the "natural antidepressants" they'd been touted as – exercising for hours a week, eating healthy, socializing more, having goals, making art again, having savings, having a career that I believed in, and with it the good insurance that helped me fix all the shitty teeth problems from my impoverished childhood & adulthood, finally at last.

Those things were all great but I started losing sleep constantly. I would be paralyzed with worry and fear. I remember when I first went off antidepressants, I thought, "I remember how easy it is to cry now," and I hadn't really remembered at all until this year, three years after I stopped taking them. I started crying more easily and often, become embarrassed I was crying, and find it harder and harder to stop. Going around with puffy red eyes and nose, holding it together until the moment someone asked, "Are you ok?" and then I would be all tears again. I was deeply vexed – I was doing "all the right things" that are supposed to lead to a happy life, or at least not a life that looked like when I was depressed in the past. Why was I so anxious and sleepless and lachrymal?

One by one all the things I was truly proud of doing and enjoyed doing fell by the wayside, except drinking (maybe the only time I felt happy, even in a sloppy way), and riding my bicycle (still trying to good-bye depression with exercise). I would spend nights crying myself to sleep, and wake up doing it again. I was crying all through work meetings, lunches, any time I didn't have to do the actual part of my job that matters (working with the kids (I'm a teacher)). But eventually, I had some crying jags in front of the kids, too. They were kind about it, if not a little confused; I felt like a real failure, however. If part of the job was being in loco parentis then I was being a bad and haunted parental figure.

I went on anti-depressants in the middle of all this, on the hopes that it would just make it harder to cry (though of course never impossible with me). There was a day where I'd been crying four days straight (outside of class and at home); in the middle of the day, I came down with a sore throat and insane congestion and losing my voice. Depressed brain convinced me it was an infection, a punishment for crying so much and being such a bad teacher and bad human being. I had kind of a meltdown with my last class of the day, which had a few button-pushing kids in it. My mentor said they are "bullies" to me. Anyway, crying, yelling at them, nothing abusive but definitely "uh-oh she went crazy" behavior. I called in sick the next day for my cold and got several kind texts from my principal that were also basically like asking me to step back – "glad you took a day off, call this person to take FMLA act leave of absence, this person to see about short term disability, this person for free counseling." Lots of people told me to take a leave, though. I thought if I did I would feel like a failure and never want to go back.

I asked for a lot of help and it got better. Acknowledging it was ok to take pills and ask people for help were ok. I still feel like every day is a gamble of whether I will cry. I still feel like some days I have forgotten how to be happy or have fun. Sundays are the worst because I am alone (my boyfriend who I live with works a 16-hour shift; his presence is very calming). I call family sometimes but I don't want Sunday to be the day they feel they get to talk down their crazy oldest sister and listen to her sob. As the day gets later I grow more aware of the stressful work week ahead. Also way easier to drink alone so by the end of the night it's easier to feel some of the good feelings I had before depression, but easier to have the haunted and awful ruminations on how I am terrible, unlovable, and wish to be dead. So, just trying to type this out now so maybe I can avoid it later. I hate that depression ever showed up in my life.

I felt kid of relieved and validated when my boyfriend looked for & found this brochure:
https://www.apa.org/ed/schools/cpse/teacher-stress-brochure.pdf

Some signs of stress can include:
• Crankiness or irritability
• Excessive fatigue
• Sadness and crying
• Changes in eating habits
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
• Increases in smoking, drinking, or other drug use

Other signs can be seen in interactions with others:
• Withdrawal from friends, family, and colleagues
• Angry interactions with others
• Touchiness and heightened sensitivity

Check check check on every single one of these

Horrible few days. Stuck in the eternal mental health dilemma of wanting help, but not wanting to get sectioned again. That's it, nothing to say really, just wanted to create an external expression of my sadness.

― badgers moved the goalposts (dowd), Saturday, 4 January 2014 21:04 (Yesterday)

idk how all of this works but i hope you can get help that doesn't involve them detaining you? they might not want to detain you anyway, i have a relative who worked as a psychiatric registrar in inner london who says they probably section *fewer* people than necessary because there isn't enough capacity

anyway i wish you well, and abbs and everyone else

I feel like I need anti-depressants, but finding a doctor who would do a real follow up on things is nigh impossible where I live, I am on some kind of waiting list and the more it waits the more worse it is.

I thought if I did I would feel like a failure and never want to go back.

― even the beatles had a coinstar machine in their living room (Crabbits), Sunday, January 5, 2014 1:07 PM (48 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Failure is a terrible word to apply to oneself. You probably know this way better than me, but that would be a perfect example cognitive dissonance. I am in my mid 20s and I have no belief in having a career or a girlfriend. Despite all this you have both, that's a lot. Reading your post it just gave me a good dose of hope.

Crabbits, that brochure is otm!! Don't be so quick to blame your own brain for responding quite normally to a rly stressful job. Hope you feel better soon.

^^^^

word

Hey Crabbits, I have not suffered from severe depression as an adult but buying a car was still a huge deal that made me paralysed with worry and the responsibility. It took me weeks to get used to it.

xpost yes yes yes

I've wondered, if it is just job-caused, is my job is even worthwhile if it means new psychiatric medications, no sleep, calls to the employee assistance hotline just to rotate through someone new to listen during that day's crying jag. Or if I just have a broken brain and I would feel this way anyway but without the insurance to treat it.

I've come around to thinking that this is the cost of relying on ppl who care, and for me, I just had to dial back my investment in work and find other pursuits to equalize. No other job has ever caused me this sort of physical manifestation of mental/emotional stress. Ever!

vicious circles, combinations of vicious circles biting each other - you're doing a job that's got a lot of stress factors built in, no matter who does it. it sounds like for a lot of the time you've been dealing successfully with those factors? it doesn't take much of a tip of the balance to upset how we deal with the day to day. it's immaterial whether that's peculiar to you or not, to be honest. don't ask yourself "how do other people cope?" - it's all about how you cope. any means necessary in my experience.

sometimes you have to prioritize the most important stuff and allow some things to slide a little, for a while. reevaluate the standards you're setting for yourself in everything and ask yourself "where am i being too hard on myself at the moment?" it's okay to be full of feelings, feelings that make us want to cry sometimes. it's okay to cry too. shutting the feelings out makes me feel ill, personally. part of the bad spiral.

easier said than done but trying to force yourself to get enough sleep every day is a biggie i think. lack of sleep is a fast track to mental health issues. i try to start by concentrating on doing that, then on going thru the tedious routines of staying alive and functional. if you can keep some sort of pattern going there - well, you won't feel magically cured, but it's a baseline for care of the self that will help you thru i think.

"taking care of yourself" is absolute number 1 priority and let the rest come back when it's ready.

for me, I just had to dial back my investment in work and find other pursuits to equalize

btw this has been a 3 year process involving acupuncture and doctor's visits on one end and 2014 somewhat stabilized me on the other end. i didn't mean to make it sound easy; i meant to gloss over the details of my personal life because i don't really want to share them here. i wish you the best crabbits and i really hope you realize that this is very common in our profession. i think the people who can survive are the ones who draw firm lines for themselves and respect their own boundaries, even mental ones. it doesn't mean you care less about your job, it just means you care more about you and your own welfare, which is (as noted) of utmost importance. don't make any decisions right now, just try to feel better first. then you will be better prepared to make decisions.

You guys' job is the greatest fucking job and to me must be the hardest fucking job. I could never hold up to the wear and tear bc my depression brain is too much of a sponge to the emotional weather of the ppl around me and I don't put up the right boundaries and I get soaked and (hold that metaphor) mold and E. coli starts growing on me and then I can't help anyone.

But you guys (abbs/LL) obv feel the fear and do it anyway. I have deep respect for that, awe even.

My wife became seriously ill in February, currently ongoing, in a way that (I can't go into much detail since I am an idiot who posts under his govt name) while not life threatening involves a tremendous amt of misery and fear for her, and because my brain is broken and I have bad barriers it has been a year of deep despair in my headscape and a tremendous challenge for me to stay afloat enough to be a good caregiver while somehow avoiding my own pit of no return. We have survived the most difficult year either of us have known since our early 20s (before we knew each other) and I hope it's not just superstitious calendar worship that things seem more hopeful these past few days than they have since... August?

Love and strength to my depressive ilxor massive.

xps the non-stop crying is just the worst. back in september, when i basically had a breakdown, i would spend half the day panic-crying (breathless sobbing that would lead to almost hyperventilating; racing heart; a total feeling of terror) and the other half despair-crying (steady sad crying; mostly quiet; terror replaced by hopelessness). crying in front of other people (including my own husband) is probably the #2 thing that embarrasses me most in the world, so this situation particularly sucked.

i am thankful every day since then that anti-depressants have totally worked for me (for now).

I've wondered, if it is just job-caused, is my job is even worthwhile if it means new psychiatric medications, no sleep, calls to the employee assistance hotline just to rotate through someone new to listen during that day's crying jag. Or if I just have a broken brain and I would feel this way anyway but without the insurance to treat it.

― even the beatles had a coinstar machine in their living room (Crabbits), Sunday, January 5, 2014 11:50 AM (4 hours ago)

First off, there should be some psych meds out there that will help you sleep.

Secondly, you probably need to think about how much your job means to you. Could you be happier in a lower-stress occupation? I definitely went through this when I started a new "career," (this was over 10 years ago) and I finally decided "this is what I want to be doing with my life, I need to fix what's wrong with me so I can do it well."

Sorry to hear this, both of you.

In mine own life, I've come to think of depression as kinda like cancer. One is never completely cured; one is only ever in remission. If it comes back, that is the nature of the beast, not a failing in you.

Depression is something like a susceptibility on a biological level. STRESS + biological susceptibility = BOOM.

Hope all of you can find something that works for you, whatever that thing turns out to be.

oh Abbs. i went on anti-depressants for the first time in my life this year because of teaching. this job is so hard. you're not a failure. i've been trying LL's advice of investing a little less in work and a little more in other things. i feel like a criminal about it sometimes. but living the way i did my first year is not sustainable, and i don't want to be miserable forever.

that wasn't really a helpful comment. i just know how you feel, is all. i am glad you've taken some time.

i feel like a criminal about it sometimes. but living the way i did my first year is not sustainable, and i don't want to be miserable forever.

that is exactly my point -- it's not sustainable. you know how when you're like 22 and going bananas and never sleeping and smoking and drinking (and ?) everything that crosses your path? (general "you" there) you knew that couldn't last forever too. some people postpone that realization, but living like that is not sustainable if you want to continue living. so...somehow i have used that logic of unsustainability to convince myself that throwing my entire spiritual self into my work, when the outcome is really out of my control, is actually kinda self-destructive. it was very clearly self destructive a few years ago. or so i have told myself since i started to pull back. better to give my profession and professional self the 40 hours it deserves and then go home and enjoy my activities of choice. Never ever let the work slip in quality or reliability, but don't spend every waking moment trying to improve it.

sustainable living, as far as lifestyle goes, is a long-term goal that is difficult for me. it's amazing how well everyday things go when i keep up positive routines and follow my personal rules, but it's letting really stupid small things slip that throws the whole system out of alignment. not life tragedies or accidents, but dumb things like not cleaning out the refrigerator.

I was eventually convinced after years of bullying at church and at school anyone who liked me was pretending

I was never bullied and sure as hell didn't go to church, but the belief in people pretending hits home pretty hard. It wasn't until I read it just now that I realized this is the basis of all human interaction for me.
So, uh, thanks?

Speaking of which, I last saw my therapist the week before Christmas. He decided to take me off my antidepressants and asked me to call in a week or to email/call him at any time if things got bad.
Well, they've gotten bad. Very, very bad. Besides frequent irrational emotional outbursts (which I think have made my children slightly terrified of me) my cognition seems to be going haywire. I keep falling down. Not Michael Douglas style (yet) but literally falling. I have bruises everywhere. Yesterday it took me a good 60 seconds to remember how to go from the lock screen to the home screen on my iPad. I just stared at it until finally 'oh slide it' worked its way to my consciousness. I work on mobile devices for a living and I couldn't remember to slide it. Not to mention it's written on the fucking screen.
I've tried to contact my therapist 5 times over the past two weeks. I've gotten his answering service, his receptionist twice, his voicemail and I've emailed him but no reply. I understand he is busy being one of the better psychologists in this part of the country but shit is starting to get fucking real. I don't want to go back on Zoloft but I need some kind of confirmation that this will pass. Soon. Or not at all? Was I like this before I started anti-deps? I can't remember. What do I do here? I mean what the fuck do I do? Help, ilxors, pls.

Did I mention I'm scared too? Like terrified 24/7 and I don't know what of.

Hi, sunny! I can't answer any of those questions but I love you and hope you get help/find ways to mitigate these experiences ASAP. I was feverish and sick the other week and had to get on and off planes and navigate airports and public transit and stuff, and the affect on my responsiveness was something like you describe: really long times to think about simple things; barely able to think of how to, for instance, ask for a glass of water; clumsiness; brain fogged by fever. It was terrible and I'm sorry this is happening to you.