Depression and what it's really like

xp Yeah, it's hard. It used to be that I couldn't even recognize what was healthy thinking and what wasn't - now at my worst it's more like "I shouldn't stop thinking negative thoughts because I don't deserve to". Thankfully the times I think that way are becoming less and less.

My beloved all-day sleeping - the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

Better than alcohol

where can i go to yell at everything

http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=54

i'm trying
to drink away the part of the day that i cannot sleep away

it's especially tough to stop thinking negatively when part of you feels like you deserve to punish yourself by thinking that way :/

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak)

Bingo. That right there points toward the biggest trap involved in the Big D, in my experience: the fact that its barbs come tipped with a tincture of morality. This is incredibly insidious. It's one of the things that keeps the jagged machinery of judgment running. This is tough to deal with and sort out because obviously it's a good thing to strive to better oneself, but somehow we need to figure out when this turns deadly.

How lovely it is when you can actually hush the self-critical gremlin; how maddening when it jabbers on no matter what.

the secret is there's really no escape ever

so unhappy that my only thought is to challenge its limits

http://wordpandit.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/crut.jpg

MetaFilter discussion on the feedback loop between depression and insomnia. Feeling a lot of this lately and the discussion hit home. Some good links in there.

i really punish myself when bad things happen at work. there are too many ups and downs in my job and i can't take it much longer, i think.

I got dressed for the first time in 5 days today. I've been walking the dog in my winter coat thrown over pyjamas, with big socks to cover the bottoms. I haven't held a conversation, either. I'm not paying attention when people talk to me, because the internal gremlins are talking so loud. It's like I'm not really here. I'm just hanging out in a corner of a party populated by personified regrets.

:( come and talk to us here even if nowhere else, we'll happily tell your overstaying regrets to do one

sure you're there, dog can vouch for you!

Sorry Zora, that sounds awful. The gremlins, that is - the pyjama part sounds pretty nice, actually. Hope you don't have to deal with them for too long.

Getting dressed possibly overrated but anyway, thinking of you, Zora. And mookie, you too! I owe you an email back, I've just been brainless-busy.

Bingo. That right there points toward the biggest trap involved in the Big D, in my experience: the fact that its barbs come tipped with a tincture of morality. This is incredibly insidious. It's one of the things that keeps the jagged machinery of judgment running.

Helpful to call in the quieter but firmer machine of analysis in these situations

I'm really, really, really holding back my comments about the Big D.

Thanks peeps. You know, I was being a bit disingenuous upthread. Some of my woah-I'm not really here stuff is not gremlins, it's novel writing. The trouble is, there's a big overlap, and it can be hard to disentangle. I'm channeling a good deal of guilt and disappointment through my characters, but it is good, or at least OK, to be lost in many parts of the book.

Pyjamas are great. Perhaps not for 5 days straight though. I feel like I crossed a line, but at least I (mostly) remembered to brush my teeth.

I've had a good afternoon out in Big Town anyway, and feel almost civilized again \o/

Good news: I got dressed and out the door to an interview.
Better news: They seemed really impressed with my resume, and possibly my interview.
Horrible news: The position is for a managing editor, and the "managing" component is scaring me s***less.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/08/opinion/sunday/shameful-profiling-of-the-mentally-ill.html?hp&rref=opinion

well that's depressing

never call for help

things just keep getting bleaker. I'm starting to realize that my mental illness might go deeper than I thought & I might never be able to get past the walls I keep hitting w.r.t. staying organized, taking care of myself, having meaningful relationships with people

but I really don't want to have to go back to a therapist (I don't have the time or the patience or the desire) or go back on SSRIs (I tended to do even more stupid compulsive self-destructive shit while I was on them)

I just want to get my shit together but the more I try to dig myself out of the hole I've made for myself the worse I feel

maybe I have ADHD?? but I don't really want to go on meds for that either

I just need a hug

/hug

*hugs* you're a good person

wörd

"hey man no drama here i just like death that's all"

y'know crüt there are times I have felt like giving up and I am glad I got through them times, all the best to you.

thanks everyone. I'm not giving up yet.

Glad to hear it. I mostly lurk but I think you're one of the funniest people on this site, dude.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/018d04a02d6601313f79001dd8b71c47

what are the odds i actually make it to the nye party to which i have been invited

UH PRETTY GOOD I HOPE

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/pp201/sharonjoy666/blues_brothers_carrie_fisher_with_a_flamethrower-1.png

just leave now so you have plenty of time

Horrible few days. Stuck in the eternal mental health dilemma of wanting help, but not wanting to get sectioned again. That's it, nothing to say really, just wanted to create an external expression of my sadness.

dowd, sorry to hear that. I can sadly relate, as my mother is extremely depressed and is not wanting to go back into a psychiatric ward. I'm stuck with some lasting chronic pain as well, which has been very acute as of late.

not a happy start to 2014.

sorry dowd

Uh.

I thought I had "beat" depression or needing treatment for it...and I did for a few years. I was on anti-depressants ages 15-17, and 22-27, and in therapy most of my 20s. It helped, I started succeeding and built up enough confidence about some shit I had depressed-brain convinced myself was not possible. Por ejemplo, I was eventually convinced after years of bullying at church and at school anyone who liked me was pretending; eventually I made enough friends at new jobs and new cities to see it couldn't all be a behind the scenes puppet show. All the caring/fun/help/mutual appreciation between me and friends, family, coworkers, etc was reciprocal and real. That cognitive error that everyone truly despises me is still there all the time and still wearying but I have enough evidence-based shit it only turns into occasional brief sessions of self-pity and paranoia and anger instead of isolated months-long hauntedness. Not that I am totally over all my shit – there are enough other things most adults seem ok with but I am fucked up about, like feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed at the thought of buying a car (normal thing adults do). Anyway I don't want to act like I've "got it all figured out."

If I look back on this summer, there are signs in retrospect that I was getting a return phase of capital D depression. I'd built a story for myself that being on medication for years was circumstantial, just a consequence of several years of making a lot of incredibly stupid choices, having huge life changes, and some very bad chance experiences. I really thought that all the good choices I was making were the "natural antidepressants" they'd been touted as – exercising for hours a week, eating healthy, socializing more, having goals, making art again, having savings, having a career that I believed in, and with it the good insurance that helped me fix all the shitty teeth problems from my impoverished childhood & adulthood, finally at last.

Those things were all great but I started losing sleep constantly. I would be paralyzed with worry and fear. I remember when I first went off antidepressants, I thought, "I remember how easy it is to cry now," and I hadn't really remembered at all until this year, three years after I stopped taking them. I started crying more easily and often, become embarrassed I was crying, and find it harder and harder to stop. Going around with puffy red eyes and nose, holding it together until the moment someone asked, "Are you ok?" and then I would be all tears again. I was deeply vexed – I was doing "all the right things" that are supposed to lead to a happy life, or at least not a life that looked like when I was depressed in the past. Why was I so anxious and sleepless and lachrymal?

One by one all the things I was truly proud of doing and enjoyed doing fell by the wayside, except drinking (maybe the only time I felt happy, even in a sloppy way), and riding my bicycle (still trying to good-bye depression with exercise). I would spend nights crying myself to sleep, and wake up doing it again. I was crying all through work meetings, lunches, any time I didn't have to do the actual part of my job that matters (working with the kids (I'm a teacher)). But eventually, I had some crying jags in front of the kids, too. They were kind about it, if not a little confused; I felt like a real failure, however. If part of the job was being in loco parentis then I was being a bad and haunted parental figure.

I went on anti-depressants in the middle of all this, on the hopes that it would just make it harder to cry (though of course never impossible with me). There was a day where I'd been crying four days straight (outside of class and at home); in the middle of the day, I came down with a sore throat and insane congestion and losing my voice. Depressed brain convinced me it was an infection, a punishment for crying so much and being such a bad teacher and bad human being. I had kind of a meltdown with my last class of the day, which had a few button-pushing kids in it. My mentor said they are "bullies" to me. Anyway, crying, yelling at them, nothing abusive but definitely "uh-oh she went crazy" behavior. I called in sick the next day for my cold and got several kind texts from my principal that were also basically like asking me to step back – "glad you took a day off, call this person to take FMLA act leave of absence, this person to see about short term disability, this person for free counseling." Lots of people told me to take a leave, though. I thought if I did I would feel like a failure and never want to go back.

I asked for a lot of help and it got better. Acknowledging it was ok to take pills and ask people for help were ok. I still feel like every day is a gamble of whether I will cry. I still feel like some days I have forgotten how to be happy or have fun. Sundays are the worst because I am alone (my boyfriend who I live with works a 16-hour shift; his presence is very calming). I call family sometimes but I don't want Sunday to be the day they feel they get to talk down their crazy oldest sister and listen to her sob. As the day gets later I grow more aware of the stressful work week ahead. Also way easier to drink alone so by the end of the night it's easier to feel some of the good feelings I had before depression, but easier to have the haunted and awful ruminations on how I am terrible, unlovable, and wish to be dead. So, just trying to type this out now so maybe I can avoid it later. I hate that depression ever showed up in my life.

I felt kid of relieved and validated when my boyfriend looked for & found this brochure:
https://www.apa.org/ed/schools/cpse/teacher-stress-brochure.pdf

Some signs of stress can include:
• Crankiness or irritability
• Excessive fatigue
• Sadness and crying
• Changes in eating habits
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
• Increases in smoking, drinking, or other drug use

Other signs can be seen in interactions with others:
• Withdrawal from friends, family, and colleagues
• Angry interactions with others
• Touchiness and heightened sensitivity

Check check check on every single one of these

Horrible few days. Stuck in the eternal mental health dilemma of wanting help, but not wanting to get sectioned again. That's it, nothing to say really, just wanted to create an external expression of my sadness.

― badgers moved the goalposts (dowd), Saturday, 4 January 2014 21:04 (Yesterday)

idk how all of this works but i hope you can get help that doesn't involve them detaining you? they might not want to detain you anyway, i have a relative who worked as a psychiatric registrar in inner london who says they probably section *fewer* people than necessary because there isn't enough capacity

anyway i wish you well, and abbs and everyone else

I feel like I need anti-depressants, but finding a doctor who would do a real follow up on things is nigh impossible where I live, I am on some kind of waiting list and the more it waits the more worse it is.

I thought if I did I would feel like a failure and never want to go back.

― even the beatles had a coinstar machine in their living room (Crabbits), Sunday, January 5, 2014 1:07 PM (48 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Failure is a terrible word to apply to oneself. You probably know this way better than me, but that would be a perfect example cognitive dissonance. I am in my mid 20s and I have no belief in having a career or a girlfriend. Despite all this you have both, that's a lot. Reading your post it just gave me a good dose of hope.

Crabbits, that brochure is otm!! Don't be so quick to blame your own brain for responding quite normally to a rly stressful job. Hope you feel better soon.

^^^^

word

Hey Crabbits, I have not suffered from severe depression as an adult but buying a car was still a huge deal that made me paralysed with worry and the responsibility. It took me weeks to get used to it.

xpost yes yes yes