Depression and what it's really like

OK, I'm up now. I don't remember typing any of this (unsurprisingly). It was maybe needlessly alarming; as an alcoholic the amount I drank yesterday was moderate. I usually stay away from the benzos as much as possible, but what can you do? Now, if only I could find my glasses...

Hmm, ignore the above posts.

I often find myself wishing I was invisible; I know that's cliche, and perhaps not limited to depression. I feel it when I'm depressed. I kind of want to be around people, a group of people laughing and having fun - but I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Tonight I went to my local to engage in my 'negative coping mechanism', and half a dozen people asked me if I was OK because I was unusually quiet. Obviously it's nice to know people care, but I really just wanted to be ignored.

im kinda struggin tbh but keeping my head above H20 atm. its annoying that to stay functional i have to avoid thinking too hard about certain things, the things that my mind wants/tends to think about - it makes me feel like i'm practicing avoidance, or living shallowly - but the actual truth is that i only need to avoid the subjects my mind typically goes to, which are negative and pointless, but that frees me to give thought and attention to subjects that matter and are edifying. just typing this out helped tbh

this thing of knowing there's a part of you or a mode of your thinking that's destructive and holding you back, but not wanting to let it go because it feels like such a huge part of your identity and it's scary to imagine not being that

tbf it's a small part of yr identity compared to saying haw and perving on baseball players and being \m/ imo

lord help

this thing of knowing there's a part of you or a mode of your thinking that's destructive and holding you back, but not wanting to let it go because it feels like such a huge part of your identity and it's scary to imagine not being that

Yes indeed and don't I know it.

same

its annoying that to stay functional i have to avoid thinking too hard about certain things, the things that my mind wants/tends to think about

Man have I struggled with that. The best I've done with coping with it is to start to recognize when my active thinking starts to become passive pondering and spirals out of control. Catching it helps me avoid it in the future. From the little I know about mindfulness, it sounds similar. It's still very tough for me to do.

it's especially tough to stop thinking negatively when part of you feels like you deserve to punish yourself by thinking that way :/

my 'solution' is to basically sleep all the time

xp Yeah, it's hard. It used to be that I couldn't even recognize what was healthy thinking and what wasn't - now at my worst it's more like "I shouldn't stop thinking negative thoughts because I don't deserve to". Thankfully the times I think that way are becoming less and less.

My beloved all-day sleeping - the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

Better than alcohol

where can i go to yell at everything

http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=54

i'm trying
to drink away the part of the day that i cannot sleep away

it's especially tough to stop thinking negatively when part of you feels like you deserve to punish yourself by thinking that way :/

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak)

Bingo. That right there points toward the biggest trap involved in the Big D, in my experience: the fact that its barbs come tipped with a tincture of morality. This is incredibly insidious. It's one of the things that keeps the jagged machinery of judgment running. This is tough to deal with and sort out because obviously it's a good thing to strive to better oneself, but somehow we need to figure out when this turns deadly.

How lovely it is when you can actually hush the self-critical gremlin; how maddening when it jabbers on no matter what.

the secret is there's really no escape ever

so unhappy that my only thought is to challenge its limits

http://wordpandit.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/crut.jpg

MetaFilter discussion on the feedback loop between depression and insomnia. Feeling a lot of this lately and the discussion hit home. Some good links in there.

i really punish myself when bad things happen at work. there are too many ups and downs in my job and i can't take it much longer, i think.

I got dressed for the first time in 5 days today. I've been walking the dog in my winter coat thrown over pyjamas, with big socks to cover the bottoms. I haven't held a conversation, either. I'm not paying attention when people talk to me, because the internal gremlins are talking so loud. It's like I'm not really here. I'm just hanging out in a corner of a party populated by personified regrets.

:( come and talk to us here even if nowhere else, we'll happily tell your overstaying regrets to do one

sure you're there, dog can vouch for you!

Sorry Zora, that sounds awful. The gremlins, that is - the pyjama part sounds pretty nice, actually. Hope you don't have to deal with them for too long.

Getting dressed possibly overrated but anyway, thinking of you, Zora. And mookie, you too! I owe you an email back, I've just been brainless-busy.

Bingo. That right there points toward the biggest trap involved in the Big D, in my experience: the fact that its barbs come tipped with a tincture of morality. This is incredibly insidious. It's one of the things that keeps the jagged machinery of judgment running.

Helpful to call in the quieter but firmer machine of analysis in these situations

I'm really, really, really holding back my comments about the Big D.

Thanks peeps. You know, I was being a bit disingenuous upthread. Some of my woah-I'm not really here stuff is not gremlins, it's novel writing. The trouble is, there's a big overlap, and it can be hard to disentangle. I'm channeling a good deal of guilt and disappointment through my characters, but it is good, or at least OK, to be lost in many parts of the book.

Pyjamas are great. Perhaps not for 5 days straight though. I feel like I crossed a line, but at least I (mostly) remembered to brush my teeth.

I've had a good afternoon out in Big Town anyway, and feel almost civilized again \o/

Good news: I got dressed and out the door to an interview.
Better news: They seemed really impressed with my resume, and possibly my interview.
Horrible news: The position is for a managing editor, and the "managing" component is scaring me s***less.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/08/opinion/sunday/shameful-profiling-of-the-mentally-ill.html?hp&rref=opinion

well that's depressing

never call for help

things just keep getting bleaker. I'm starting to realize that my mental illness might go deeper than I thought & I might never be able to get past the walls I keep hitting w.r.t. staying organized, taking care of myself, having meaningful relationships with people

but I really don't want to have to go back to a therapist (I don't have the time or the patience or the desire) or go back on SSRIs (I tended to do even more stupid compulsive self-destructive shit while I was on them)

I just want to get my shit together but the more I try to dig myself out of the hole I've made for myself the worse I feel

maybe I have ADHD?? but I don't really want to go on meds for that either

I just need a hug

/hug

*hugs* you're a good person

wörd

"hey man no drama here i just like death that's all"

y'know crüt there are times I have felt like giving up and I am glad I got through them times, all the best to you.

thanks everyone. I'm not giving up yet.

Glad to hear it. I mostly lurk but I think you're one of the funniest people on this site, dude.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/018d04a02d6601313f79001dd8b71c47

what are the odds i actually make it to the nye party to which i have been invited

UH PRETTY GOOD I HOPE

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/pp201/sharonjoy666/blues_brothers_carrie_fisher_with_a_flamethrower-1.png

just leave now so you have plenty of time

Horrible few days. Stuck in the eternal mental health dilemma of wanting help, but not wanting to get sectioned again. That's it, nothing to say really, just wanted to create an external expression of my sadness.

dowd, sorry to hear that. I can sadly relate, as my mother is extremely depressed and is not wanting to go back into a psychiatric ward. I'm stuck with some lasting chronic pain as well, which has been very acute as of late.

not a happy start to 2014.

sorry dowd