no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Oh ugh. :(

I would like to have something that's just mine, some corner of my emotional life that lights things up for me. It's okay being steady and even-keeled and I thought that was good enough for me (in the cynical drawer of my mental filing system I think it's the best I can hope for) so to have hope again suddenly and then feel like I just cannot get ahead, at all...it's got me down for a few days.

Last night my eccentric 70-something neighbor told me I should get my nail tech license "before you get married." I pointed out that at my age there was no clock ticking and no prospects either, and she said, "Oh honey, you're young! Young!" I mean I guess I am if you're 77.

I would call you young from my 40yo perspective, too, especially as it pertains to marriage timelines.

Also neighbor OTM about your nail tech license. I think you should do that!

I'm trying! Touring a beauty school in a couple of weeks b/c they won't tell you anything about the cost or payment plans until you go in person--but it's also going to cost like $1500-1700 so I have to find other work first and save up.

I know I'm not old, it's all in my head that I feel dried up and uninteresting. I used to be everyone's big sister, now it's like I'm their MOM.

my best friend back home is going through some v difficult emotional struggles atm wrt age, singledom, dating & children

she is single & has been for some time, and just recently found out that she is (v possibly) infertile, which sent her down a pretty big spiral of i will die alone i am unlovable all i wanted was children etc

the thing is, she's my age, 37...which, idk. there are so many ways to have children, the way you planned isnt nec the only way, you are comparatively young, the world is not even close to ending...all these things go round my head for her

but it's hard to counsel too hardcore bcz i'm mindful of being the a) married, b) happily childless friend saying brightly "it's not so bad" bcz fuck that friend yknow

those feelings are legit when you feel them, is the thing. they're not wrong, they're just so final. it's hard to convey to her that none of this is indicative of how her story will play out.

idk.

my heart sunk when i read about the googling. that sucks.

i think all a person can do is find joy/brain light wherever possible. your neighbor otm. i just gave my mom a huge pep talk because she was feeling bummed about writing her bio/looking back at her life. i mean, you gotta take it where you can find it!

I partly faced up to getting out of my horrible relationship by accepting that if that was my "last chance" to have a normal husband and children, then I was going to have to give it up for my own good and close the book on that idea. Since then I've mostly been fine with my choice, but I seriously feel what your friend is saying in that area.

Sorry for inflicting this on everyone, I just feel really sad today and I know it was indulgent to put it here, but I was tired of being fine.

I used to be everyone's big sister, now it's like I'm their MOM.

Ha! I remember when that happened to me!

VG, you are kind to recognize that "it's not so bad!" may not be what your friend can hear from you now. I've been in semi-similar shoes (37 and declared infertile at least) and it felt pretty melodramatically, end of the world awful for me, too, despite my life being pretty damn ace in almost every other respect. If you can find a gentle way to convey that this isn't indicative of how her story will play out (HI BABY ON BOARD) while validating how crappy she feels now and recognizing it as justified, that might help. Otherwise, just sympathetic listening is probably pretty welcome, too.

Oh man, io, I wish I could perform psychic surgery and take that "last chance" business out of your head and replace it with how awesome and worthy of love I think you are.

There's no such thing as a "last chance." We live in a chaotic system. Anything can happen.

io - i think you're right to let it out! seeing things in such severe terms (this is the end of the road) doesn't seem like the path to happiness imo, but i am generally pretty happy to live in a state of medium delusion about my potential in life. like if being realistic means feeling bad about myself for the rest of my life, i'll choose a less realistic approach rather than face down the grim "reality" of what i might look/seem like to other people. result: i can still wake up in the morning. otherwise? not sure about that. that's just me, you gotta do what you gotta do.

carl otm

D'awww.

My realistic approach is "Be prepared for long-term solitude" and usually I feel like life security and autonomy are a good return on my investment in myself. (I'm off-balance right now partly because my lyfe security is getting low, so that's one thing.) I forgot that the spike in FEELINGS is like a drug, though, and it got hold of me for a couple of days and now is like the come-down.

That sounds very familiar. It's not a pleasant feeling, I know it well!

io, I'm feeling you on this on pretty much every level. I feel like I've been doing what LL recommends in terms of medium delusion, but suddenly recently that failed me and I got all the stereotypical die-alone-w/-cats thoughts, except they weren't as funny as in the Bridget Jones-esque stereotype thoughts. Having said that, I really like Carl's chaotic system thought. I believe in that.

The men of NYC would be extremely lucky to have you in their chaotic system.

Orbit you are a thoughtful person and so I'm sure you have thought about this, but my first thought re: gooling was 1) arrest for DV does not mean a person committed DV and 2) a person may in fact have committed DV, but--BUT--I do believe that some people who fuck up really, really badly use it as a turning point for positive transformation.

Is it out of the question to get to know the guy better before deciding that this is an absolute no-go?

my first thought was similar to quincie's -- was he even convicted? did he also have a substance abuse problem at the time?

but, i can totally see how that is something that is a total red flag and makes you feel very unsafe no matter the circumstances, especially if it's something he did not volunteer

The irony is I don't feel unsafe at all but I do have terrible judgment and have been wrong about men like it's my full-time job! I'm open to the 2nd date we already agreed to but some uncomfortable topics are going to have to be breached. (Probable yes to the substance abuse q btw, fwiw.)

i occasionally have moments of anxiety about not being in a relationship, and feel slightly irritated with my friends who ask about my romantic life and prospects like one would ask an elderly person about their health. most of them are in serious relationships. i have been single for 4 years now, and i am now pretty content not being in a relationship and not desperately searching for one. but sometimes i have those "is there something wrong with me? am i delusional?" panicky times.

oh and in case you were wondering, the baby shower was fine. it was mostly friends of the pregnant friend -- none of these friends (including me) have kids, and yes, there was alcohol. i think i was on my 3rd cocktail by the time of the oohing and ahhing over cute babby gifts

hay, has anyone had a dude named "Allen White" request their friendship on Facebook? Is that an ilxor or just some random creep?

IO: I have two female friends who's mugshots are online because they were arrested (and not convicted) of DV. They were loudly fighting with their SOs, neighbors called the cops, cops booked 'em both. Definitely delve for some backstory, but without a conviction, it might be nothing.

idk about the US but in NZ whoever calls is the one who WON'T be charged - my ex hit me in the face/head repeatedly, tried to smother me, a few other things, and i managed to split his lip in return. HE called the cops on ME, and i almost got arrested. without witnesses or evidence - my black eye hadn't come up yet and there were no visible marks from the head-hitting or smothering - that's how it goes down.

i think that's true everywhere. some states have laws about who to arrest but everywhere manipulators know to call the police first and know what to say. it's sad but so many assault complaints turn out to be utter bs. it's nice to be able to find out people's history by googling them but otoh while you can expunge dropped cases from government records, private sites and news sites that reprint police press releases without question don't have to get rid of anything. sucks. at least in maryland you can look up anyone's case and find out what happened to it. which is both good and bad, depending on who's looking.

I just had read a paper about a police department that took part in research that had officers responding to DV calls either arrest the accused or refer her/him to a treatment program depending on what color card came up in a shuffled (re: random) deck of colored cards. It was like, blue = arrest, green = don't arrest, send social worker. So whether you were googleable in connection with a DV arrest was completely random. Just sayin', guy may be bad news, or guy may have had a bad break.

Um forgive failure to grammaticate there; you get the picture, I think.

Don't some states have laws that require them to arrest both people involved in a DV call?

I'll be real - I'd probably call it a day with this guy based in that info but I'm old, tired, and don't have time for sleuthing. Also have had bad experiences overlooking such things in the past.

I'm not saying I'm right. Just offering perspective.

Whatever you do is the right thing, obv. Thinging of u IO and sending sisterly vibes :)

oh god I cannot type/write for shit today.

i would probably call it a day too but i feel bad for him if it's false. i don't quite understand the study q is talking about but i think randomness permeates the criminal justice system.

Yeah I did not describe it coherently at all. Basically, the study wanted to learn about effects of arrest vs. treatment program referral on subsequent offenses. The officers involved in the study were given, basically, a deck of cards that (randomly) assigned a particular response to a DV incident (falling within certain parameters) to either 1) arrest the accused, who would have to deal with that or 2) mandate that the accused participate in some sort of anti-DV training. Then accused were followed up to see if they had subsequent arrest, or something. I dunno, it was in Minnesota so DJP is to blame.

Um, wont the guy be bit weirded out that you googled him for criminal stuff? I'm not defending what he potentially did, but I feel that if I went on a 2nd date with a guy and said "hey on the the internet I saw you did X! :D :/" I can be confident the guy would be running backwards away from me with a guy-shaped dust hole in his wake muttering "you creepy woman" at me. Maybe I have just had paranoid dates. I dunno.

Oh and I'm not saying you did anything creepy L! I just feel like thats what guys think of ME if I did such things.

Googling is just so prevalent, though, and to me it doesn't feel creepy - it feels reasonable, especially if you're thinking of actually getting involved. You can always start with 'I was interested/intrigued/[insert mental state of choice here] after Saturday, so I googled you. And....' I mean, that's honest, and if it's creepy, then I'm creepy!

Dont get me wrong, the first thing I do with a guy is look for his facebook/twitter/lastfm playlist etc

I havent ever thought to just google a name for like, criminal stuff tho. Ive googled guys names but only after I knew em better.

Way creepier to have DV charges than to google. Stay away Orbit. I think every guy is Patrick Bateman though.

just came back from the GP after 2 sets of scans as the first had hinted at ovarian tumor/cancer. relieved to find the second shows nothing. that was a frightening couple of days.

oh what a relief, I'm sorry you had to go through such a scare.

ooff, Trayce. I hope you get some answers soon.

This thread is the best, thank you for all the thoughtful answers! Getting my drama out there helped me calm it, plus was in a good circle of women last night and got my head right a little bit. Maybe I needed to be so sad yesterday for var reasons but it seems to have passed over.

Hello no googling someone isn't creepy! If you're going to go somewhere with someone when you might be alone or remote, you should do whatever makes you feel safe! The internet IS a public space. I wouldn't normally do it because I think the process of ppl choosing to reveal things to each other in a certain order is part of intimacy and I don't like to co-opt it, and actually the dv thing isn't my greatest concern w/r/t whether to date this guy, but if you find something serious enough to possibly affect your safety, then hell yes.

Or as one of the women from last night would say, "Putting all your stuff out on Front Street." <3 <3 <3

Let's all agree to clutch our beneficial delusions close to our chests and LIVE.

been working for me so far
(on and off, but mostly on)

I love the saying about putting your business out on the street. I use that one a lot.

Trayce that is good news! :D

I routinely do background checks on people I am dating. I am excessively paranoid, perhaps.

I feel bad I may have seemed to imply anyone doing it is creepy. I dont think they are! I just dont get why you hear people always say "what, thats invasive and WEIRD" if you bring it up in conversation.

But, that then brings me to mind of the "women aren't crazy" article HomoII posted on FB this mornign (which was AWESOME).

someone i know googled a man who seemed perfect after one date and found that he beat a woman nearly to death with a tire iron