At what age did you lose your virginity?

You spotted that eh

xps to aimless, one side of yr equation justified there, yes

i really don't like internet advice or, too much, the idea of reassurance elicited by somebody's complaint, but it always seems reasonably but depressingly confused for somebody to be almost made to feel bad, socially, about not sleeping with somebody. like i used to wonder about what a kind of common, cross-societal average age of virginity loss would be if the thing that was being referred to was meaningful sex, or sex that either party would have a desire to replicate, or sex with any (physical/mental/w/e) baseline of satisfaction or just presence, rather than just anything qualifying as sex (which obviously has a bunch of complications anyway for a bunch of people). i feel like it would diffuse an obvious or youthful expectation of virginity loss. i think a lot of people, by the time they are in their twenties, probably haven't had sex that is good, or navigated into any kind of confident sexual functionality, but it is just reassuring to have removed the status of virginity, binary style, even if the thing that happened was like ... not the thing that was sought. it's like having a fake id almost. it is probably a really good thing to be impatient for meaningful human contact but it is sad that the sensation of being in a deprived minority is a thing that hurts, especially when the thing that defines the prevailing, popular majority is so skewed; sure maybe there has been the crudest physical enaction of whatever you use to define virginity loss, but the actual worth of sex is something else altogether, i think, & like ... there isn't a marginality to being one of the people searching for that.

from the Morrissey autobiography, an exchange between Bowie and the author:

"David quietly tells me, 'You know, I've had so much sex and drugs I can't believe I'm still alive,' and I loudly tell him, 'You know, I've had so LITTLE sex and drugs I can't believe I'm still alive.'"

sex is one of those things like having a job and driving a car and managing one's finances -- things that are part of being an adult that you generally start out being shit at and have embarrassing early anecdotes about, but with experience are pleasurable and instill feelings of confidence and mastery

I was thinking of posting something earlier about how I became convinced that even if I managed something that just about met the dictionary definition of losing one's virginity that I still wouldn't have done it 'right' that it would just be a laughable travesty and I would be no nearer to cleansing myself of the stain of inadequacy- that doesn't really seem reassuring to me at all, to be honest though! Just more certain that there really is no escape xp to schlump's post

having a job and driving a car and managing one's finances

My track record with these is not that impressive either, tbh

do you work at a fast food restaurant and wear a horrible polyester polo shirt?

No.

well, that's good!

Liked schlump's post but agreed with sarahells tbh

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

if you think the parenthetic aside at the end of your post will be true of sex, why the the "concern"?

Lol, I wrote that whole thing out thinking "what a perfect analogy!" Then I remembered I actually have fun skateboarding, so it kind of fell apart. Basically the concern is all that without the good time.

Alternate scenario is that it may be like weed: held out for a good several years before trying it, then only smoked it like 8 times over the span of a year and a half; all it did was make me feel anxious and uncomfortable, such that I now have 0 interest in ever doing it again.

Or actually cigarettes are a better analogy: After much teenage longing, my first cigarette was incredibly unpleasant (and partly responsible for me having an anxiety attack) such that it was enough to turn me off smoking altogether.

is it the kind of thing where you think the first time will maybe stressful and then you might become accustomed to it and even enjoy it? like i didn't like riding roller coasters at first, or drinking beer, or smoking cigars but i developed a taste for it. would you ever think about hiring escort to make the first experience kinda professional + safer or is that totally out of the question?

when you say escort do you mean amusement park safety technician & are you referring literally to your rollercoaster ride analogy because otherwise suggesting involving sex workers for safety & professionalism seems like kinda a left turn here

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

This is somewhere approaching normal ime

for sex, football, dancing, running, possibly with some finetuning metaphorically it holds true for any activity one can imagine doing.

Well, I mean I'm kind of joking around with all that, and I feel like I have a pretty realistic idea of what to expect. Mostly I'm curious when it's gonna get to the action already, or if it's possible to be a spinster if you're a 25 year old male.

ed your first time, or first couple of times, might be not especially great because of the stress and concern you have around it. but it might! and it'll probably be fun anyway! and there'll never be the same weight of expectation on it again so at least you'll have that relief.

anyway if you do meet someone who successfully communicates that they want to touch your bits, and you like them, let 'em know that it'll be your first time BUT! frame it as "you get to show me what to do, won't that be fun?" not "oh god I've never done this before, I'm sorry I'll probably be terrible"

otm

frame it as "you get to show me what to do, won't that be fun?"

Is there anybody that would actually think that was fun, though?

you can always pay someone

Is there anybody that would actually think that was fun, though?

― this is how a punch sounds, like ditch, like quich (soref), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:20 PM (8 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dude

In my experience that is not something people regard as "fun"

I'm imagining telling someone who indicated that they want to sleep with me that I'm a 28 yr old virgin, and following it up with "you get to show me what to do! won't that be fun?" and I can't see it as anything other than some kind of harrowing sitcom 'comedy of awkwardness' type thing, hope that doesn't to sound too negative.

Sex with someone new is pretty often a comedy of errors, nothing wrong with that

it's not that complicated soref. you can probably get away with not mentioning you're a virgin.

soref & edb, have u ever considered or tried sleeping with your, like, friends? like maybe it would be fun, someone you're comfortable around... idk, it sounds crazywrong but maybe it's not?

Just tell them "I want you to lead, tell me what you want"

^ smooth

"I want you to tell me what you want, but using very direct language, no euphemisms"

Soref, having thought about this a bunch, I've decided my approach (if and when it ever happens) will be to keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something along the lines of: "by the way, I'm kind of really inexperienced, and so kind of have no idea what I'm doing, so if I may I would like to hereby politely implore you to exercise patience, understanding, and assertiveness for the mutual greater good." So basically, what DJP said (which works for me as a natural sub). I'm hoping they don't get suspicious when they see I don't know how to kiss.

I definitely have friends I'd like to sleep with, I'm just not sure how much they'd be into it, ha. Not an easy topic to broach, either! A friend who can be a sex tutor would be ideal, though.

I do remember hearing about a dating website for people with social inhibitions, can't for the life of me remember it though. If I can't meet people on OKCupid, I don't know how much some offbrand website for weirdos is gonna be.

(a crowd gathers below the ledge and they chant)

do it! do it!

― Aimless, Saturday, October 26, 2013 2:45 AM (2 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

almost got whiplash from the double take here. anyway as someone who has suffered from stupidly long droughts to the point of forgetting how it all works, i think this - keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something - is a decent plan. No point mentioning it before time but i think it's best to be honest and open, and if the other person is at all worthwhile then it really won't end up being that big a deal.

yeah

getting to that stage tho, tbh, idk if ilx can help you with that.

i guess i might as well pipe up and say that i had a friend in high school (we're still friends) who relished the opportunity to be someone's first. she delighted in it. she got to do whatever she wanted and be the sexiest woman on earth. i think you are really underestimating the number of people (i don't remember if you want to sleep with men or women) out there who are not only willing, but eager to "lead"

That is to say that I think you should seriously chill with the apologies and use this to your advantage.

A family member of mine devirginized (and for some reason married) a 37 year old man. For some reason this didn't occur to me earlier, probably trying to block it out.

making you watch was a neat trick tbf

NO.

ur not ready to share with us yet and that's cool, that's cool

get a high class hooker to show you the ropes.

I'm pretty serious in this answer, too.

Don't use porn as a guide it is horrible

eh has it's moments tbh

judging by the glimpse into the world of high class hookers provided courtesy of Eliot Spitzer, such women would be very lovely, capable and tactful, but goddamned expensive

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

― Fiddler on a hot tin roof (ed.b), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:29 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I feel this, and because of that built it up so much in my head that I was convinced I'd perform so badly that the first time I had it, I refused to go beyond oral and manual stimulation with this girl until I could tell she was disappointed it wasn't going further. and then we had it and it was surprisingly anticlimactic, like it was enjoyable but I didn't feel like it was something that required a degree in electrical engineering.

was a latebloomer, age 22.

I'd like to think I have the presence of mind to not take porn as a guide, but just to make sure... (This is man [me] - woman [no one!], btw. And yes, I'm aware this all varies with person to person/couple to couple/group to group, and that the idea that there's any kind of "normal" sex you "should" be having is an inherently repressive idea, but any tips are welcome).

"Routine" wise, aside from all other foreplay matters, is it particularly common/effective to start orally and work up to penetrative sex? (Going straight into the latter seems a little too... businesslike), and if so, how do you know when to move from one to the other (or is it all just personal preference?). That is, if one is able to bring a woman to climax with mouth/hands, is it generally a good idea to go for it, or hold off in order to stretch it out longer - namely into penetrative sex (with which, I understand, it's much more difficult to reach climax).

I also have embarrassingly little idea about how womens' sex drives work, which is to ask: can you bank on having several climaxes in one outing, or is it the sort of thing, as with men, where you have one or two and don't want to come too early, lest you be out of sexual energy for the while. Mostly, I have no idea how the whole finishing at different times thing works. Like, when he comes before her (about which, you're supposed to announce this before it happens, right?), does he just continue with mouth/hands until she's done, or what? Or when she comes before him (am I correct in assuming this doesn't happen that often, or not for people like myself that can achieve orgasm easily) does he just keep going, or is that uncomfortable for her?

I will be here assiduously taking notes, thanks.

High class call girls are like tattoos to me: Yeah, they're cool, but I feel no internal nor external compulsion to get any, and that's before you factor in how much they cost (not including tip, about which, do prostitutes get tips?)

There is no monolithic "women's" sex drive. Women are individual humans and each one is different. Sorry. I recommend communication with the woman you are with to find out how this works for her.

you just keep doing whatever seems to be pleasurable until something else seems like a better idea, or one or both people indicate they want to stop the current activity due to discomfort or completion or a pedestrian starts walking by your hiding spot