Depression and what it's really like

i keep saying i'm going to get my shit together. move back into the city. stop being dependent on my parents. learn to be a functioning self-sufficient human being that my friends can actually respect. but i've been saying that for years and when i come home to pick up all the junk that's bogging me down i don't even know where to begin.

i don't even know where to begin.

When a mass of problems seems too overwhelming to solve, then narrow your focus to just one. Two at most. It sounds to me like a lack of resources is probably your base problem. That's a shitty problem, because "get a job" is such a nasty portal to have to slither through and it isn't really even in your control whether someone hires you. I know the feeling. It's worse than rotten. But, like it or not, you need to solve it, because so much else rides on it.

Another piece of what makes job-hunting so dire is the way job-hunting advice is doled out by chirpy automatons who apparently believe that all-you-have-to-do-is follow this easy step-by-step plan and the job spigot will open and gush jobs all over you. Fuck that. It is not just ok to be grimly determined about the pursuit of a job, it is almost mandatory. But the U&K piece is gathering and maintaining your determination in the face of it. Getting depressed is natural, but it gets you nowhere. Good luck.

I have a job actually which I am super thankful for

i just mean i'm not good at taking care of myself otherwise

Ah. Not sure on this end what the dimensions of the problem are, but if you are capable of taking responsibility for your life in a general way, then the way forward is probably through trying and messing up until you figure it out.

This is OTM. I became self-sufficient after many years, but only after I tried and stumbled for many years. Truthfully, taking care of yourself mostly requires the ability to know what it is you need to do (ie, making monthly payments, scheduling annual checkups, renewing insurance, picking up an extra shift to get the extra $$ you need for rent, etc), documenting it (either mentally or down on paper), and then committing to take action on it. The latter part can be intimidating, especially when it comes down to tasks you're not used to doing/handling, but once you do it the first time, regardless of whether you mess up, it gets easier. and of course, asking advice of others is always helpful.

It boils down to making order of disorder - cataloging what it is that's weighing on your mind, then attempting to strategize a way to solve the problem, even if the first step involves asking someone else!

you'll get there! best of luck!

yeah. worst place to start from is trying to stare down the 'here are the ways I suck let me count them' monolith. narrow your focus down to one small aspect that can be tackled. because that builds your confidence. you feel like, oh huh that wasn't so bad what else can I do. and you do another 'productive' thing.

once you start doing things, even little things, you give yourself less opportunity to say 'ugh I'm so terrible I'm not even doing x or y or z' you can counter with 'but I'm doing subsection a, b and c of part 1 of A so I'LL GET THERE SHUT UP'

<3 it's ok lil crut. it is more horrible in your head than on the outside. it just takes way too long of a time to figure it all out.

I've stopped seeing my therapist recently, because I've spent months drifting further and further away from what I was wanting to deal with, and I suggested to her that maybe we were going round in stupid irrelevant circles and were losing sight of the bigger picture which I approached her with to start with, and she just said it was up to me and if I didn't feel we were going anywhere I could just stop seeing her. So I have. And now I'm rattling the bigger picture issues around in my head, and wondering why she didn't pursue any of that, instead focussing on one stupid here-and-now issue for an hour once a fortnight that isn't going to get better or go away no matter how much I talk about it.

― ailsa, Wednesday, October 16, 2013 4:09 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

im kind of in this place with my therapist where i get the sense that if we weren't so enamored with each other i would be wasting his time. but yeah the bigger picture stuff just never seems to get taken care of. its a bunch of slippery side roads for a year that end up seeming pointless.

does anyone else wonder if they manipulate their therapist subconsciously? i assume i do this all the time and im not sure why except that i know it would be a self-harming behavior which is me up and down and im really good at consciously manipulating people in a one-on-one situation. i mean i hope im not doing it because ive spent the last ten years working towards some kind of truthfully existence. maybe everyone feels like this in matters of the mind?

constantly blaming myself & hating myself & dwelling on mistakes & internalizing everything & i'm sick of it.

I was so anxious and angry yesterday it felt like my brain was coming out my nose. I lay down with a pillow over my head and my bf sang "crazypaaaaaants nee nur nee nur nee crazypaaaaaants" until I felt well enough to sit up and watch a movie. Most of the time all I need is somebody to whom I can turn and say "I am feeling so crazy right now" and that's all it takes, like, "please don't leave me alone with myself right now, I am driving me crazy". Anyway crut don't blame yourself, bust that synaptic loop with a walk in a new neighbourhood or a chat with an old friend or something.

omg same same same, flam. my bf was scheduled to go back and take care of his dad and begged him to stay an extra few hours bc i was sooo anxious and POed and circular-thoughts-having, etc., i knew if he left and i was alone with it i would, idk...explode? just explaining it to him and talking about it for a few seconds made me feel functional again.

then of course i felt guilty for asking him to stay and putting that pressure on him :/

when shit comes crashing down and you don't have anyone to talk to because it'd take too long to find a decent therapist and your insurance is gonna run out in a few months anyway and also it's nighttime and you'd never call a therapist this late even if it was a part of the deal

therapy has never not felt like a game

this has been the first week in months where i haven't been verge of tears + thinking of death 24/7, cause apparently the pills i was on were doing a lot of that to me, i hope, and now i get some weird and shitty news and i'm about to spiral and i just don't have anything in place anymore for when this happens and it sucks !!

i love all you guys, this thread is so good. everyone feels this bullshit, or at least it certainly is starting to seem that those who don't are the weird ones. i've had super long periods of depression in my life, and i'm not entirely sure i'm not in one now. but it doesn't feel so bad.

something i think applies: i'm someone who seems to not learn anything until i let it go completely to hell, get as bad as it gets, and only then do i ever seem to understand what people mean when they tell you not to do the thing that caused the catastrophic effect. i used to think this was a bad thing but i think you need to experience all the limits in life for yourself so they're not just vague concepts of when stuff goes wrong but rather you know exactly what will happen and you don't want to go there again. i really envy people who can just learn the rules of life from their parents or whoever and live happily or productively, but then again i'm not sure how many of those people there actually are. my parents are great, nb.

but yeah, i like reading this thread because i think it's really powerful to see other people articulate my exact fucked up thoughts.

good luck zl go o's

yeah feel good zachylon (well, and everyone itt) -- when i was making my post i thought it had followed off yours at least somehow but reading back, doesn't seem to be the case. this is the depression thread so i hope we all get a pass for being inwardly oriented.

*unnoticeable typo

thx guys

It would be useful if people ITT could throw out some anecdotes about depression and work. Holding down a job/getting one in the first place/not coming across as a dangerous liability when depressed.

I am not in direct need of assistance, but I am considering the issue

a shitty work environment definitely contributes to depression, but being broke could be worse. maybe, i'm reconsidering my position on this

major depression + steady employment is definitely a conundrum. i'm freelancing from home right now, which solves the whole "leaving the house" problem. but being home also contributes to sloth and a decline in general self-care. and oh, i think i'll just see what's in the refrigerator. and oh, i'll play with the cat for a little while.

repetitive thoughts ftw

and also ftw

i'm glad you're using the real meaning of ftw instead of what the kids use these days

depression and work

Never being good enough even you're the best.

Standing around thinking about dying and killing while you are ringing people up or answering phones.

Having someone call in for you because you are in the emergency room.

Asserting your rights to short-term disability, and coming back with everyone knowing.

Trying to decide between long sleeve shirts or convincing yourself you are the only person that can see it.

Getting fired for sending a scary letter to your insurance company.

Spinning long unemployment periods with stories of lawn-care businesses and novels attempted.

Starting over once again, but this time more afraid of yourself and the public.

Being told you are making other people afraid.

Jesus. It's been over 20 years and 4 different multi-year jobs. I'm better than I used to be though. The amount of secrecy and privacy I maintain gets wearing. Big fucking barriers in my brain to keep myself and others out of past and family.

Thanks to all for all this

I'm at my limit. I'm maybe psychotic - I've been seeing and hearing things today. So I've resorted to some emergency meds for when I get over worked up. It's very hard. All I think about is my death. But I'm resisting everything at the moment. I Don't know why I'm awake though - I'be had 15mg of Lorazopam, 20mg of diazepam and about a dozen pints of beer. Yet, while I feel fuzzy, everything else remains. I want to die. But I won't let that happen.

you are a favourite poster of mine and without knowing any of the specifics beyond that post, i sincerely hope you get through this

can you get to a doctor as soon as possible or at least not take any more benzodiazepines with alcohol?

can you try to get some rest? also remember to eat some food.

Yeah, not a good mix. I think I'm Ok - I just need some damn sleep. Please some sleep. Certainly no more alcohol, because I don't drink at home. I have flatmates if things get too much. It's just so frustrating.

^^^

cosign all of that, especially dialing back the booze/benzo combo

before you go to sleep, plz tell one of yr flatmates to check on you -- the benzo/booze+sleep combo is pretty gnarly

hang in there, dowd

okay, done. It's mostly irritating that I spent 6 months on the wagon, and then..

Mostly these days I'm just trying to avoid getting sectioned. Which seems extreme, for this thread, but the root is still depression. I've got a visit from my CPN on Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes.

Yo Dowd I am a Dowd as well, well used to be O'Dowd but my dad dropped that so he could get a job in 60's England! Anyway I hope you are ok and take care of yourself.

I'm okay. Gonna go have a nap with with my dog, I think. The problem with discussing these things with humans is that is increases my chances of going back in the loony bin, which I'm not fond of.

No I really mean my surname is Dowd so who is is to say we are not cousins?

all dowds are probably cousins but that would mean acknowledging you are related to idiot columnist maureen dowd

not that yank, no. She is a knob! and has no Irish qualitities!

Sorry I am quite drunk right now and all the best to you Dowd.

OK, I'm up now. I don't remember typing any of this (unsurprisingly). It was maybe needlessly alarming; as an alcoholic the amount I drank yesterday was moderate. I usually stay away from the benzos as much as possible, but what can you do? Now, if only I could find my glasses...

Hmm, ignore the above posts.

I often find myself wishing I was invisible; I know that's cliche, and perhaps not limited to depression. I feel it when I'm depressed. I kind of want to be around people, a group of people laughing and having fun - but I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Tonight I went to my local to engage in my 'negative coping mechanism', and half a dozen people asked me if I was OK because I was unusually quiet. Obviously it's nice to know people care, but I really just wanted to be ignored.

im kinda struggin tbh but keeping my head above H20 atm. its annoying that to stay functional i have to avoid thinking too hard about certain things, the things that my mind wants/tends to think about - it makes me feel like i'm practicing avoidance, or living shallowly - but the actual truth is that i only need to avoid the subjects my mind typically goes to, which are negative and pointless, but that frees me to give thought and attention to subjects that matter and are edifying. just typing this out helped tbh

this thing of knowing there's a part of you or a mode of your thinking that's destructive and holding you back, but not wanting to let it go because it feels like such a huge part of your identity and it's scary to imagine not being that

tbf it's a small part of yr identity compared to saying haw and perving on baseball players and being \m/ imo

lord help

this thing of knowing there's a part of you or a mode of your thinking that's destructive and holding you back, but not wanting to let it go because it feels like such a huge part of your identity and it's scary to imagine not being that

Yes indeed and don't I know it.

same

its annoying that to stay functional i have to avoid thinking too hard about certain things, the things that my mind wants/tends to think about

Man have I struggled with that. The best I've done with coping with it is to start to recognize when my active thinking starts to become passive pondering and spirals out of control. Catching it helps me avoid it in the future. From the little I know about mindfulness, it sounds similar. It's still very tough for me to do.

it's especially tough to stop thinking negatively when part of you feels like you deserve to punish yourself by thinking that way :/

my 'solution' is to basically sleep all the time

xp Yeah, it's hard. It used to be that I couldn't even recognize what was healthy thinking and what wasn't - now at my worst it's more like "I shouldn't stop thinking negative thoughts because I don't deserve to". Thankfully the times I think that way are becoming less and less.