Depression and what it's really like

idk could be a handy getout clause, that

sometimes I wonder if there would actually be a difference between actually being depressed and just deciding it was now cool to be depressed and to pursue it vigorously for the next 20 years anyway

<3

yeah, my therapy appointment this week left me feeling about ten times shittier than I did before I went. Past week has actually not been too bad due to, I think, a. upping my med, b. trying to be more conscious about moderating my drinking, c. keeping busy/seeing a really good friend whom I haven't seen in ages, d. getting on a sort of normal sleep schedule (up before noon & in bed before 4 am most days). But yeah, there are still a butt-load of issues. I didn't feel like a pity-seeking psychopath, but more just a whiny loser asshole, though in all fairness, I think my therapist kind of sucks. She challenges me in this weird way that is not at all helpful and just makes me feel worse. Like that Girls episode, anything bad you can think to say to me, I have already thought about myself, probably in the last half hour. I don't know. Plus the org I go through I guess is strapped for funds, so I am limited to 12 sessions and have to have a clearly-defined treatment goal, whereas what I really need is kind of ongoing therapy. I don't really think this therapist is the right fit for that anyway. She is kind of therapy-light. I don't like the idea of psychoanalysis, but I need something a little deeper than what we got going on. Anyway, we were talking about my avolition and inability to set long-term goals, and she asked what my issues were at my jobs, why I felt incompetent with them or couldn't hang, so I was listing my qualms, and she was kind of snarky about listing the types of jobs that were "out," which is not what I was fucking saying, and made it seem like I was some prima donna brat. I was just saying, these are the things I have trouble with at jobs. I know every job involves some kind of compromise and bullshit, and I was more interested in exploring the poor self-image, or anxiety or whatever makes me feel like I can't deal with certain things, and maybe identify situations where I would feel more valuable and competent, and she just wasn't helpful at all. She was also super-judgy about my living situation. Oh yeah, she also sort of tried to call me out on scamming the organization that is helping my co-pay (it is for musicians), and I'm like, ok they already agreed to help me, so what business is it of hers? I also wanted to be like, look lady, I've sucked enough skanky drummer dick to qualify. Ugh, I don't know if it's worth it. I sort of started disliking this therapist last year (although the convo with her is what ultimately convinced me to try my meds). I don't know if it is just the uncomfortable process of therapy, or if it's her.

The whole thing is kind of weird though. I have a strong desire to be well-liked, and I think I'm fairly charming, so it irritates me to be in this situation where I'm sharing incredibly intimate details with someone who is only seeing this one shitty side of me. And I don't like the aspect of sort of confession, the power dynamic it sets up.

sorry for rambles

It might be her way but still, if you feel it is not helping and not bringing about change, then maybe you need to find someone else. If you feel there is a power dynamic...feeling judged then maybe it isn't a fit. You just aren't supposed to feel that way with a therapist. IMO

agreed, don't be afraid to look into another one

So this thread being de indexed... What does that mean? It doesn't come up on google searches? Ilx search function searches? Does it still pop up in sna if ppl don't have it bookmarked?

Trying to gauge how freely I can talk itt...

you should def get another therapist. searching for the right one really sucks, but having a therapist that makes you feel bad is definitely counterproductive.

I can't speak to the deindexed question, JL, but I did want to chime in re: emilys that there has been a lot of research to support the idea that it is not the *type* of therapy (CBT, psychodynamic, strengths-based, etc.) that matters most in how effective they are for any given person, but the relationship between the therapist and the client. In other words, the patient-client relationship is really important, and you should no more see a therapist that is making you feel worse than you should take a drug that is making you feel worse! I know it is hard as hell to start over with someone new, but IMO it is totally worth doing.

Anyhow, wishing you and all on this thread better waters ahead.

Sometimes you need to feel worse to get better -- I mean, I have had situations where I was sorta in denial about how much a particular thing (or lack thereof) was weighing on me and the therapist calling me on it helped me come to terms with what I needed to do, or how I was contributing to my continued depression.

But if you feel like this person is disrespecting you, then it does sound like you'd be better off with someone else

I've stopped seeing my therapist recently, because I've spent months drifting further and further away from what I was wanting to deal with, and I suggested to her that maybe we were going round in stupid irrelevant circles and were losing sight of the bigger picture which I approached her with to start with, and she just said it was up to me and if I didn't feel we were going anywhere I could just stop seeing her. So I have. And now I'm rattling the bigger picture issues around in my head, and wondering why she didn't pursue any of that, instead focussing on one stupid here-and-now issue for an hour once a fortnight that isn't going to get better or go away no matter how much I talk about it.

xps afaik deindexed just means it won't show up in search results

google search or ilx search?

google

thank you! always wondered, good to know!

Ugh, called in to work again today because I couldn't get out of bed, absolutely no energy. Went back to sleep for about another 4 hours. Happening far too often lately. When I finally managed to get up I had a minor anxiety episode about the whole thing and took some Xanax which calmed me but also relaxed me a lot and reinforced the no energy thing. Going to my GP tomorrow to follow up on minor medication changes so hopefully that helps. I'd like to start seeing psychologist again but my health plan has been cut dramatically and wouldn't cover much and I don't know if I could afford the rest. It's not *too* bad lately but I been through it enough to know I'm on a downward slope.

Xanax is helpful, but I've found it can have a depressant effect sometimes. It works on the same receptors as alcohol, so that makes sense.

i'm wasting my life

i keep saying i'm going to get my shit together. move back into the city. stop being dependent on my parents. learn to be a functioning self-sufficient human being that my friends can actually respect. but i've been saying that for years and when i come home to pick up all the junk that's bogging me down i don't even know where to begin.

i don't even know where to begin.

When a mass of problems seems too overwhelming to solve, then narrow your focus to just one. Two at most. It sounds to me like a lack of resources is probably your base problem. That's a shitty problem, because "get a job" is such a nasty portal to have to slither through and it isn't really even in your control whether someone hires you. I know the feeling. It's worse than rotten. But, like it or not, you need to solve it, because so much else rides on it.

Another piece of what makes job-hunting so dire is the way job-hunting advice is doled out by chirpy automatons who apparently believe that all-you-have-to-do-is follow this easy step-by-step plan and the job spigot will open and gush jobs all over you. Fuck that. It is not just ok to be grimly determined about the pursuit of a job, it is almost mandatory. But the U&K piece is gathering and maintaining your determination in the face of it. Getting depressed is natural, but it gets you nowhere. Good luck.

I have a job actually which I am super thankful for

i just mean i'm not good at taking care of myself otherwise

Ah. Not sure on this end what the dimensions of the problem are, but if you are capable of taking responsibility for your life in a general way, then the way forward is probably through trying and messing up until you figure it out.

This is OTM. I became self-sufficient after many years, but only after I tried and stumbled for many years. Truthfully, taking care of yourself mostly requires the ability to know what it is you need to do (ie, making monthly payments, scheduling annual checkups, renewing insurance, picking up an extra shift to get the extra $$ you need for rent, etc), documenting it (either mentally or down on paper), and then committing to take action on it. The latter part can be intimidating, especially when it comes down to tasks you're not used to doing/handling, but once you do it the first time, regardless of whether you mess up, it gets easier. and of course, asking advice of others is always helpful.

It boils down to making order of disorder - cataloging what it is that's weighing on your mind, then attempting to strategize a way to solve the problem, even if the first step involves asking someone else!

you'll get there! best of luck!

yeah. worst place to start from is trying to stare down the 'here are the ways I suck let me count them' monolith. narrow your focus down to one small aspect that can be tackled. because that builds your confidence. you feel like, oh huh that wasn't so bad what else can I do. and you do another 'productive' thing.

once you start doing things, even little things, you give yourself less opportunity to say 'ugh I'm so terrible I'm not even doing x or y or z' you can counter with 'but I'm doing subsection a, b and c of part 1 of A so I'LL GET THERE SHUT UP'

<3 it's ok lil crut. it is more horrible in your head than on the outside. it just takes way too long of a time to figure it all out.

I've stopped seeing my therapist recently, because I've spent months drifting further and further away from what I was wanting to deal with, and I suggested to her that maybe we were going round in stupid irrelevant circles and were losing sight of the bigger picture which I approached her with to start with, and she just said it was up to me and if I didn't feel we were going anywhere I could just stop seeing her. So I have. And now I'm rattling the bigger picture issues around in my head, and wondering why she didn't pursue any of that, instead focussing on one stupid here-and-now issue for an hour once a fortnight that isn't going to get better or go away no matter how much I talk about it.

― ailsa, Wednesday, October 16, 2013 4:09 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

im kind of in this place with my therapist where i get the sense that if we weren't so enamored with each other i would be wasting his time. but yeah the bigger picture stuff just never seems to get taken care of. its a bunch of slippery side roads for a year that end up seeming pointless.

does anyone else wonder if they manipulate their therapist subconsciously? i assume i do this all the time and im not sure why except that i know it would be a self-harming behavior which is me up and down and im really good at consciously manipulating people in a one-on-one situation. i mean i hope im not doing it because ive spent the last ten years working towards some kind of truthfully existence. maybe everyone feels like this in matters of the mind?

constantly blaming myself & hating myself & dwelling on mistakes & internalizing everything & i'm sick of it.

I was so anxious and angry yesterday it felt like my brain was coming out my nose. I lay down with a pillow over my head and my bf sang "crazypaaaaaants nee nur nee nur nee crazypaaaaaants" until I felt well enough to sit up and watch a movie. Most of the time all I need is somebody to whom I can turn and say "I am feeling so crazy right now" and that's all it takes, like, "please don't leave me alone with myself right now, I am driving me crazy". Anyway crut don't blame yourself, bust that synaptic loop with a walk in a new neighbourhood or a chat with an old friend or something.

omg same same same, flam. my bf was scheduled to go back and take care of his dad and begged him to stay an extra few hours bc i was sooo anxious and POed and circular-thoughts-having, etc., i knew if he left and i was alone with it i would, idk...explode? just explaining it to him and talking about it for a few seconds made me feel functional again.

then of course i felt guilty for asking him to stay and putting that pressure on him :/

when shit comes crashing down and you don't have anyone to talk to because it'd take too long to find a decent therapist and your insurance is gonna run out in a few months anyway and also it's nighttime and you'd never call a therapist this late even if it was a part of the deal

therapy has never not felt like a game

this has been the first week in months where i haven't been verge of tears + thinking of death 24/7, cause apparently the pills i was on were doing a lot of that to me, i hope, and now i get some weird and shitty news and i'm about to spiral and i just don't have anything in place anymore for when this happens and it sucks !!

i love all you guys, this thread is so good. everyone feels this bullshit, or at least it certainly is starting to seem that those who don't are the weird ones. i've had super long periods of depression in my life, and i'm not entirely sure i'm not in one now. but it doesn't feel so bad.

something i think applies: i'm someone who seems to not learn anything until i let it go completely to hell, get as bad as it gets, and only then do i ever seem to understand what people mean when they tell you not to do the thing that caused the catastrophic effect. i used to think this was a bad thing but i think you need to experience all the limits in life for yourself so they're not just vague concepts of when stuff goes wrong but rather you know exactly what will happen and you don't want to go there again. i really envy people who can just learn the rules of life from their parents or whoever and live happily or productively, but then again i'm not sure how many of those people there actually are. my parents are great, nb.

but yeah, i like reading this thread because i think it's really powerful to see other people articulate my exact fucked up thoughts.

good luck zl go o's

yeah feel good zachylon (well, and everyone itt) -- when i was making my post i thought it had followed off yours at least somehow but reading back, doesn't seem to be the case. this is the depression thread so i hope we all get a pass for being inwardly oriented.

*unnoticeable typo

thx guys

It would be useful if people ITT could throw out some anecdotes about depression and work. Holding down a job/getting one in the first place/not coming across as a dangerous liability when depressed.

I am not in direct need of assistance, but I am considering the issue

a shitty work environment definitely contributes to depression, but being broke could be worse. maybe, i'm reconsidering my position on this

major depression + steady employment is definitely a conundrum. i'm freelancing from home right now, which solves the whole "leaving the house" problem. but being home also contributes to sloth and a decline in general self-care. and oh, i think i'll just see what's in the refrigerator. and oh, i'll play with the cat for a little while.

repetitive thoughts ftw

and also ftw

i'm glad you're using the real meaning of ftw instead of what the kids use these days

depression and work

Never being good enough even you're the best.

Standing around thinking about dying and killing while you are ringing people up or answering phones.

Having someone call in for you because you are in the emergency room.

Asserting your rights to short-term disability, and coming back with everyone knowing.

Trying to decide between long sleeve shirts or convincing yourself you are the only person that can see it.

Getting fired for sending a scary letter to your insurance company.

Spinning long unemployment periods with stories of lawn-care businesses and novels attempted.

Starting over once again, but this time more afraid of yourself and the public.

Being told you are making other people afraid.

Jesus. It's been over 20 years and 4 different multi-year jobs. I'm better than I used to be though. The amount of secrecy and privacy I maintain gets wearing. Big fucking barriers in my brain to keep myself and others out of past and family.

Thanks to all for all this

I'm at my limit. I'm maybe psychotic - I've been seeing and hearing things today. So I've resorted to some emergency meds for when I get over worked up. It's very hard. All I think about is my death. But I'm resisting everything at the moment. I Don't know why I'm awake though - I'be had 15mg of Lorazopam, 20mg of diazepam and about a dozen pints of beer. Yet, while I feel fuzzy, everything else remains. I want to die. But I won't let that happen.

you are a favourite poster of mine and without knowing any of the specifics beyond that post, i sincerely hope you get through this

can you get to a doctor as soon as possible or at least not take any more benzodiazepines with alcohol?

can you try to get some rest? also remember to eat some food.

Yeah, not a good mix. I think I'm Ok - I just need some damn sleep. Please some sleep. Certainly no more alcohol, because I don't drink at home. I have flatmates if things get too much. It's just so frustrating.

^^^

cosign all of that, especially dialing back the booze/benzo combo

before you go to sleep, plz tell one of yr flatmates to check on you -- the benzo/booze+sleep combo is pretty gnarly

hang in there, dowd

okay, done. It's mostly irritating that I spent 6 months on the wagon, and then..

Mostly these days I'm just trying to avoid getting sectioned. Which seems extreme, for this thread, but the root is still depression. I've got a visit from my CPN on Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes.