Depression and what it's really like

it can get bad enough to destroy the time when you AREN'T working.

i freaked out even more bc omg i am now a depressed person on medication, what does that mean about who i am now?

i think this is exactly what was going on with me last night tbh. glad to hear that you've been doing better, just1n3! also, Matt, i hope things improve for you soon.

The frightening thing, the slow-dawning-horror thing, is how many jobs are now shitty. Even the "good" ones where you get to sit down, indoors, and get health insurance for your sins.

This is so true and produces an upwelling of panic when I think about it. My job's not really shitty, even, but the parent corporation is a demonic soul-mill.

feeling really down today. i have an appointment with the pdoc on monday. i missed the last appointment because i double-booked myself with a paid assignment that day, and i couldn't get through on the damn phone system to reschedule, and and and. all i know is i feel really cloudy and lethargic, and caffeine's not helping.

sorry to hear it jbr.

hoping you feel better soon get bent

I'm teetering very close right now. I haven't had any significant depressive episode in 4 years or so and I'm terrified of having to go through it again, but my overflowing anxiety and dipping self-esteem haven't helped.

going to try ending a toxic 'friendship', and maybe just finding some creative outlets this weekend. taken off of work until Tuesday. the other option is to just keep drinking for five days but ehh no

my <3 goes out to all. depression S.U.C.K.S.!

my own personal life journey is taking me into interesting areas. i'm working my fucking ass off on therapy, albert ellis style self help, and all that good shit. i'm hitting the realms of !!!personal transformation!!! but god damn is this hard, painful work.

that's the only answer i've found so far to depression. i tried everything in my life. love, sex, career, friends, creativity, none of that shit in and of itself works. what's working is brutal self-honesty and hard fucking work to examine myself, life, others, leading up to staring death itself in the face. not just my death, but the death of the universe itself. it takes a toll, man. but yeah, things are alright.

Im drinkin a lot and feelin bettah

uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

:( what's wrong?

errything

i know that uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh well.

i think i need a co-working situation, even if it's just a "work date" at a starbucks. i really have trouble getting stuff done at home. i should start a meetup group for this sort of thing.

There are some Starbucks around the valley that during the weekday are de facto study halls. Being surrounded by enough mental concentration has been a good motivator.

I have brane appointments lined up this week & no alcohol in my system, and I went to bed and awoke at decent times, so I'm feeling a bit more hopeful. Alcohol has really not been my friend lately.

hi thread

i'm bummed the fuck out right now but i think i know why

<3 to all of our ilxors struggling.

seconding that

(also i fit in that category too)

So I've been offered a series of CBT appointments. They're an hour long but with travel time I'll need 2-2.5 hours off work, every week, indefinitely, which seems a lot to ask my boss for. Anyone have any tips on how to ask/tell my boss? Also keen to avoid mentioning the whole mental health thing if possible...

(I don't mind offering to make up the hours, but even if I do my absences will be conspicuous and coworkers will gossip/resent any special treatment I seem to be getting. Keep trying to tell myself it's not a big deal and I can't be the first from my workplace with depression/anxiety, but in 7 years I've never noticed anyone else from my team routinely take such large chunks of the week off, and whenever anyone is absent there's always gossiping.

Once the line manager - now left - of another team came into the office to have a big eye-roll about one of her staff taking appointments for depression. It was clearly a hilarious joke to her that he was mentally ill and being so inconvenient. Not at all cool to tell us that.)

in my experience the best way is to be honest with your boss and expect them to treat you professionally and with respect. dunno what to do if they don't - i've always felt well treated but i've seen some appalling behaviour re: other people which can't help but make me wonder what goes on behind my back. but i can't let myself think like that.

a propos of nothing i'm very confused at the moment because despite what i think of as being crappy help i've somehow managed to come to a very non-depressed place. i can't account for how this has happened but fuck it, i'm not overthinking it. i just hope everybody else who's suffering can find their way to a better state of mind.

Oh, spacecadet, what an unhelpful work environment! I think with yr boss it'd be very hard to ask for flexitime without giving a reason, and the truth seems like the most efficient one. For anyone else I think just saying "hospital appointment" or "appointment" should do it -- it's quite easy to shut people down by implying they're being unreasonably nosy (though that will inevitably mean some sort of gossip story circulates, just because people are bored and need something to talk about). But when it comes to a boss/HR, you need to put your flexitime request in such a way that they won't be able to refuse it: though there's no law that says they have to give you time off for medical appointments, a refusal to allow you flexitime to accommodate documented health needs is the kind of thing you could take to an employment tribunal.

Also, you never know, people might surprise you with their consideration, it's happened before.

This may be of absolutely zero relevance to anyone on this thread, but a very good friend of mine runs a support group for young people (primarily 18-25ish) in London who suffer from depression/anxiety etc, feel free to get in touch with me if you know anyone who might want more info on it. It's something that has made me really proud to be her m8.

i've somehow managed to come to a very non-depressed place.

! :D

APC, maybe they will be dicks about it and gossip but the trade off will be that you might learn really good ways of coping with the anxiety it causes?

a support group for young people (primarily 18-25ish) in London who suffer from depression/anxiety etc

is this held at Wembley Stadium

glad to hear you're doing better NV. APC, I think those sessions will help, and you do not need to feel bothered by what others think. best of luck.

I teetered close to the edge Friday, couldn't stop crying, and blogged out to my friends about how I wasn't doing well. Was amazed by the outreach they all provided - knew I had good friends, but it really meant a lot.

Did a lot of things over the weekend to help fix my current state. Toxic ladyfriend started texting again and I realized all she did was make me miserable, so I broke off conversation with her, and then broke off something I was supposed to help her with. Immediately thenafter, OKCupid lady I was talking to for weeks asked me out for drinks. realized this was a large part of my misery, that I wasn't respecting myself by trying to be with someone that made me feel miserable.

also spent a lot of time with friends, which helped. still have a great deal of anxiety due to my parents, and a conversation with them that's been brewing for 13 years that I'm afraid is going to happen. and I know I still have a lot of work to do with repairing the way I view myself, and forcing myself not to negate my own needs in favor of other people's...so this perfect storm doesn't happen again.

but definitely feeling better. 2013 has been an unusually challenging year, which isn't a bad thing, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. work, o nthe other hand, is barely a blip on the radar, has been the smoothest year at work in my entire career.

Thanks everyone. tbf my bosses have always been very accommodating about past non-brain medical appointments, no questions asked, so it's not being told I can't go that I fear, but the gossip, or that people will think I'm taking the piss, even the ones who OK it. I like most of my officemates, but the amount of cattiness and speculation I've heard about other people...

But, I've got to take what steps I can to look after myself, and as just1n3 says, practice ignoring what other people might be saying about me could be case study #1, really.

Congrats NV!

(I'm actually not in such a bad place myself right now, but I plan to take the CBT anyway, though I guess I should explain this to the therapist in the first session in case she thinks I'm a waste of time. I'm in a strange, temporary limbo, still living with my ex and getting on well enough that it's stopping me feeling the isolation which I know is waiting once he leaves or gets serious with his new gf; and I've got some underlying issues behind the depression/isolation which it would be good to work on, and maybe when the depression isn't getting in the way so much is the best time to do so. Just worried that I won't put enough effort in if things currently seem livable-with.)

Anyone have any tips on how to ask/tell my boss?

The exact tone to strike would depend on your usual relationship with your boss, but the general tone should be professional. Your boss's main legitimate concern would be your ability to complete your work assignments. Approach him or her mostly on the basis that you are looking to work out the details of how to make sure your CBT sessions do not interfere with your work or that of your colleagues any more than is absolutely required.

Keep making assurances that you fully intend to make this work out to your boss's satisfaction and that you wish to know right away if concerns emerge about the quality of your work. But don't suggest that not not taking these sessions is an option you'd consider and do not agree with any suggestion that you not do CBT or postpone it indefinitely.

If your boss resists or fails to cooperate, just thank him or her for listening to you and leave. Then contact HR, if your company is big enough. Or contact a labor lawyer if there is no one to appeal to above your boss.

aps, I don't think it's a waste of time to do it now. You can always apply the stuff you learn now to problems that may come up later. And yeah, trying to spot-fix when you're in a crisis can be a lot more difficult than just doing the work in an ongoing way (trust me, I should know)

yeah it's best to go even if you feel better. in my counseling days, I had that moment where I 'felt better', and stopped going, and then a week or two later, uh oh, crisis mode again, and now it was difficult to re-set up the appointments.

They're an hour long but with travel time I'll need 2-2.5 hours off work, every week, indefinitely, which seems a lot to ask my boss for. Anyone have any tips on how to ask/tell my boss? Also keen to avoid mentioning the whole mental health thing if possible...

it would be worthwhile getting a letter from from yr GP or psychiatrist---on letterhead that doesn't say MENTAL HEALTH ISH---saying that yr therapy sessions are medically indicated. if they were to be jerks about the situation, you'll have some documentation they'll have a tough time arguing away

im depressed but whatevs.

Shit has been rough in planet latebloomer :(

Lately, my mind has been swarming with memories of toddlerhood. These are long lost memories, never before recalled, others I have always had, but now remembered by a me who is a mother herself. They are of my home life, mostly with my mother who stayed home with me the first five years. My father worked two jobs, teacher by day, hardware store employee on nights and weekends. I really only remember him on those Sunday mornings he didn't work.

The things she would tell me when I was two and three years old have stuck with me because they were said hatefully and were cruel. Sometimes she was practically foaming at the mouth. She would tell me how she hated her sister, her mother-in-law, my father and how these people were terrible to her and I was terrible to her and just like them. I was two, three ad four years old. How terrible could I be? She once tied me up and gagged me and left me in her room with the door closed as punishment for biting my brother. I was there a long time, I remember feeling like I could die, that I was going to die, that I was being killed and it hurt that it was my mother. She later came and untied me and I reached to hug her but she turned her back and walked away angry. She chased me with a broom and broke it in half when she slammed it on the bed after I woke up early from a nap. It was so close to me, I truly feared it was me she was trying to hurt had I not moved quick enough. She kept telling the story over and over through the years that I made her nose bleed when I reached my finger into it as a baby. She said this believing, still, that I did it to her on purpose and she holds a grudge, even at our last visit she mentioned this. My own baby has scratched my face, chest, drawn blood and nearly broken my nose and knocked teeth out with her lil head. I don't know how to turn any of this into a grudge.

I could never treat A. this way. In fact, I look at tiny, adorable her and really question what the hell was going on back then with my mother. I have tried, in the past, to talk about things with her but she only turns it around and says my not forgiving her, forgetting these things, is only my way of continuing to hurt her. Our relationship is practically non-existent now. I have found websites describing narcissistic mothers and she fits it. She never stopped comparing me to people she disliked. I cut ties last fall. I have made arrangements to pick up my belongings from her place, childhood stuff, at some point this month or next. I told her what I would like to have in terms of baby photos, baby books...I truly feel now that she could destroy these things or my sibs could. To say I am not liked is an understatement.

All this has managed to worm it's way into my head, new memories, old ones and having to face her at some point. My relationship with A. is the complete opposite and I didn't know that until these memories started. I feel all these emotions I don't want to have: resentment, hatred, anger...and really hatred and anger over these new memories that my head is throwing up. There is a frustration that my sibs will never know why my mother and I are not speaking. The refuse to have anything to do with me because they see me through her eyes. She loves being a victim and has decided to be the victim of my "cruelty".

Thing is, it feels weird to no longer feel love for this woman. I use to feel sorry for her, saw her as the victim of my father's affair and his abusive behavior over the years. Suddenly last year, I stopped loving her, I also stopped feeling guilty for being who I am to her and realized my love was intertwined with guilt and pity. This is a woman who use to sing a lullaby she made up about a child who had a mother who died and now the child was going hungry, was cold, and had no mother to take care of her. It would make me cry and I would grab her neck tightly. She was always telling me she could die at any moment and created much insecurity and anxiety issues. She had no health issues. This has all managed to depress me and I want to get back to where I placed her and my sibs. I was not thinking of them much at all, now it's all here again and more... Realizing I never had a loving mother.

I'm so sorry tera - I can empathize with many parts of your story, although my experiences were never as severe. I am a big believer in cutting off family comple if they cause more pain than positive feelings, so I'm happy you've managed to do that.

im definitely feeling you in this situation too, tera. i try to look at it like its my responsibility to break the cycle and to do that i need to be the best mother I can be. i feel like its really the only redemption in situations like this.

holy shit tera, that sounds like it was horrible. i've been dealing with a similar family situation ... not as cruel as yours, but pretty nasty either way. after about a year of therapy i've finally been able to break away emotionally from my family. it's possible. it ain't easy, but it's possible to turn a corner on this and be OK. and you aren't alone with feeling these things and having to consider some seriously heartbreaking shit.

can relate, tera.

sunny is otm - your life is yours, your own your own parenthood now and you get to be all those things that your mother wasn't. that you have a baby daughter who loves you back, who you love unconditionally, that goes a long way to helping to fill that strange hole you are feeling.
ultimately I think the goal is not to right those wrongs, but just to be able to say 'that is a thing that happened to me' and know that it doesn't define who you are now.

i was kind of surprised when I learned that "emotionally and/or physically abusive mother" was a depressingly common experience for many girls growing up. if it helps, just know that you're not alone

Thank you all. I do feel better at the end of this day. Much better than yesterday. Reading your posts has helped a whole lot in making tonight better than last night.

Off and on through the years there has been counseling and therapy but it was when I wanted these people in my life and how to deal with that. I wish I had cut ties long ago but finally cutting them has felt so right. Once I get my things, all those things that I want for August and myself, I feel I will be able to move on and beyond and never look back.

Today I started to view these memories as cathartic and not menacing. I tried not to dwell on them too much and let them pass through me. These were things that were deeply suppressed, now that they are coming out, I can throw them out. Something in me must feel safe or okay with finally dealing with them.

It does help to know I am not alone. All my girlfriends have great relationships with their mothers, I always felt ashamed. I have a great relationship with my paternal grandmother though, who was 41 when I was born, same age I was when A. was born. She is wonderful.

Best wishes *t and latebloomer.

I'm actually not in such a bad place myself right now, but I plan to take the CBT anyway . . . some underlying issues behind the depression/isolation which it would be good to work on, and maybe when the depression isn't getting in the way so much is the best time to do so

Well, this... didn't go to plan.

(Absolutely not the therapist's fault but my own stupid subconscious. lol at me writing the above and then weeping so uncontrollably I could barely speak for the entire session, starting before she even asked any personal questions. Though she did act quite sympathetic and I wonder if I should say, look, don't show me any sympathy, cz sometimes I worry all of my mistakes and missed opportunities were a stupid ploy to get pity, and now I'm single and friendless there should be nobody left to put up with my bullshit any more, and maybe if that finally hits home I might begin to get somewhere.

Evidence for histrionic self-sabotage theory: I've been feeling worse since the session, maybe cz it dragged up emotions and I thought I was past this stage, or maybe cz I sniffed the scent of a new pity-prey and my subconscious went YES YES RESTART THE FUCK-UP SHOW.)

Yeah maybe I do need to get back on meds.

it's worth bringing up that you feel like you are saying everything to get pity! not because it will helpfully inform her that you are a monster of self-pity who is not to be trusted but because it's a pretty common tendency among people with the depressions and she'll be able to talk to you about it like a human being.

i say this as someone who is still pretty regularly convinced that i am a lying sack of shit who is trying to manipulate people into feeling bad for me so i can get out of the consequences of my own badness.

like, even were it true, it's not helpful.

if i recall correctly, when i was having counselling we once had a good conversation about david foster wallace's 'the depressed person' and how i thought that was a perfect encapsulation of the emotional state of 'i am a self-obsessed burden who has invented a fictional personal sadness that i use in order to make the world revolve around me because i am the world's worst'

hey c#m thank you for the thoughts. I'm glad it's not just me and I am not just some terrible attention-seeking parasite from the planet self-pity, and that I will probably not instantly be locked up in a cell marked "Histrionic Personality Disorder" on revealing my terrible inner thoughts; also I am sorry you do not see yourself as fondly as I do your ILX posts

sometimes I wonder if there would actually be a difference between actually being depressed and just deciding it was now cool to be depressed and to pursue it vigorously for the next 20 years anyway

...actually, petshopboys.jpg etc

lol and <3

if you're considering that you may be some kind of manipulative psychopath, i hope that means you're not likely to be one, since if it were true you probably wouldn't give it a second thought?

idk could be a handy getout clause, that