Depression and what it's really like

was one of them the 2 minute thing? It has some clever name, but the concept is that if a task will take 2 minutes or less to accomplish, then do those right away.

no! but that's a good idea. everything takes me more than 2 minutes, though :/

and then there's the breaking things down into smaller tasks thing -- and visualization exercises -- god, i have spent too many years in underpaid and unpaid management jobs ...

my experience with zoloft has been fine if underwhelming i guess. the only side effect i've suspected is having trouble remembering things, but that could be due to all sorts of other things.

also i did not stop drinking. i've suffered no particular ill effects, but yeah it may reduce the drug's effectiveness.

i do not have to be 'on' all the time like a teacher, tho. anyway i'm really skeptical that a glass of wine would be amiss -- but certainly be careful at first.

but i am overwhelmed by thinking of how i might feel to hear that and overwhelmed by trying to get something done about my problems. my office at work is such a mess and i don't get things done that i need to. it's so paralyzing sometimes. i make fun of myself for it but it's not really a joke.

this this this. i had been v subtly declining for upwards of 6 months, can't really pinpoint in what ways exactly, but as an already lazy/unmotivated/procrastinating person, those traits got worse, like, i would almost cry at the thought of doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, and i started having more 'blah' days, and pre-menstrual depression/anxiety got worse. work became intolerable. but i just ignored it, bc y'know, it's my fault that i have a shitty personality and shitty vices, right?

then i moved house and got a new dog with issues, and i had basically a total and sudden breakdown, and was forced to accept i needed to speak to a doctor. my psych appt isn't for 2 more weeks, but my GP put me on celexa/citalopram and klonopin right away. the afternoon i got the prescription i freaked out even more bc omg i am now a depressed person on medication, what does that mean about who i am now?

then i woke up the next day after getting the first decent sleep in ages and felt great, and i've been feeling great for 6 days now - could be the klonopin, could be the celexa (doubtful this early), could be the placebo effect, but whatever, i feel calmer about stuff, and am just hopeful it continues this way for as long as possible.

having a hard time dealing with everything, constantly looking for ways to disengage and fuck off, but that makes things worse of course. this feeling of being 'ok' and 'fine' while simultaneously feeling lost and like everything is just quietly falling apart. work is difficult and thankless. my boss is out to make my life miserable in all these stupid, petty, demoralizing ways because i keep making her look bad by trying to give form and life to what is basically a poorly defined position-in-a-vacuum. i keep trying to adjust my perspective, be grateful i have a job, do all the dumb poorly conceived busywork, the work it takes to make that work matter, the work it takes to hold my boss's hand through all of it and make her feel like it was all thanks to her, become one with the bullshit basically. but fuck if i didn't feel like it this week, after a month of getting through an informal hr mediation with her successfully, taking the ridiculous little punishments like the good guy. i alternate between being very angry and trying to let the anger go, i guess. i called in sick monday for no good reason, came in yesterday morning and pretended to be sick, even put on a little performance for my boss who told me to go home, called in sick again today. it's pathetic. at this point i just have to own it and go in tomorrow, "yeah i feel a little better *sniffle*", whatever.

at least the relationship i'm in has rewards but i'm still finding it difficult to navigate in many ways. looking forward to a first visit with a new therapist next tuesday. i've been thinking about how much anxiety sabotages me and that it might be time to try anti-anxiety meds. anyway.

called in sick again today

yeah this feels guiltily righteous but then gets out of hand

and whatever you do on your day off doesn't make you feel better anyway

yep

good luck matt p - the anxiety for me is def worse than the depression bc the depression i can just ignore for the most part

thank you. happy to hear you've been feeling better.

Shitty jobs just deform you, they deform you from the inside like a freaking bonsai kitten in a glass world. The frightening thing, the slow-dawning-horror thing, is how many jobs are now shitty. Even the "good" ones where you get to sit down, indoors, and get health insurance for your sins.

Sometimes either verbalizing my thoughts out loud (or writing them down) and going over each item that's bothering you, why it's bothering you, and what the worst case scenario is in each situation often helps purge a lot of the anxiety. it's really hard when your job is the source since you have to go back to it each day - hoping that situation improves for you soon. I echo what mookieproof said and am glad you recognize it - when I had my worst bout in 2009, I regularly took days off and it just made it worse (and jeopardized my job). it's good that you're recognizing your problems - and meds may be a good thing, depending on what works for you. best of luck overall.

just1n3 on the money about anxiety. depression's easier to sidestep, anxiety kind of feels like the walls are closing in and you can't escape the feeling wherever you go, unless you just go to sleep.

Shitty jobs just deform you, they deform you from the inside like a freaking bonsai kitten in a glass world. The frightening thing, the slow-dawning-horror thing, is how many jobs are now shitty. Even the "good" ones where you get to sit down, indoors, and get health insurance for your sins.

― Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Wednesday, October 2, 2013 11:19 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is otm - people often say "quit worrying about the future, live in the present" as a means of avoiding stress, but it's difficult not to when you have a job you hate, and you just KNOW that Monday's going to be horrible, so the dread starts sinking in on Sunday night. it can get bad enough to destroy the time when you AREN'T working.

i think i need a co-working situation, even if it's just a "work date" at a starbucks. i really have trouble getting stuff done at home. i should start a meetup group for this sort of thing.

Even the "good" ones where you get to sit down, indoors, and get health insurance for your sins.

lol. it's pretty funny that doing nothing but play a part in a beige cubicle lord of the flies could be so exhausting and have such great benefits.

who has the conch

ultimately the state of utah, which, you know, yikes

yeah, don't worry about that

whoa ilx forgot to tell me about a bunch of posts. nm

it can get bad enough to destroy the time when you AREN'T working.

i freaked out even more bc omg i am now a depressed person on medication, what does that mean about who i am now?

i think this is exactly what was going on with me last night tbh. glad to hear that you've been doing better, just1n3! also, Matt, i hope things improve for you soon.

The frightening thing, the slow-dawning-horror thing, is how many jobs are now shitty. Even the "good" ones where you get to sit down, indoors, and get health insurance for your sins.

This is so true and produces an upwelling of panic when I think about it. My job's not really shitty, even, but the parent corporation is a demonic soul-mill.

feeling really down today. i have an appointment with the pdoc on monday. i missed the last appointment because i double-booked myself with a paid assignment that day, and i couldn't get through on the damn phone system to reschedule, and and and. all i know is i feel really cloudy and lethargic, and caffeine's not helping.

sorry to hear it jbr.

hoping you feel better soon get bent

I'm teetering very close right now. I haven't had any significant depressive episode in 4 years or so and I'm terrified of having to go through it again, but my overflowing anxiety and dipping self-esteem haven't helped.

going to try ending a toxic 'friendship', and maybe just finding some creative outlets this weekend. taken off of work until Tuesday. the other option is to just keep drinking for five days but ehh no

my <3 goes out to all. depression S.U.C.K.S.!

my own personal life journey is taking me into interesting areas. i'm working my fucking ass off on therapy, albert ellis style self help, and all that good shit. i'm hitting the realms of !!!personal transformation!!! but god damn is this hard, painful work.

that's the only answer i've found so far to depression. i tried everything in my life. love, sex, career, friends, creativity, none of that shit in and of itself works. what's working is brutal self-honesty and hard fucking work to examine myself, life, others, leading up to staring death itself in the face. not just my death, but the death of the universe itself. it takes a toll, man. but yeah, things are alright.

Im drinkin a lot and feelin bettah

uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

:( what's wrong?

errything

i know that uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh well.

i think i need a co-working situation, even if it's just a "work date" at a starbucks. i really have trouble getting stuff done at home. i should start a meetup group for this sort of thing.

There are some Starbucks around the valley that during the weekday are de facto study halls. Being surrounded by enough mental concentration has been a good motivator.

I have brane appointments lined up this week & no alcohol in my system, and I went to bed and awoke at decent times, so I'm feeling a bit more hopeful. Alcohol has really not been my friend lately.

hi thread

i'm bummed the fuck out right now but i think i know why

<3 to all of our ilxors struggling.

seconding that

(also i fit in that category too)

So I've been offered a series of CBT appointments. They're an hour long but with travel time I'll need 2-2.5 hours off work, every week, indefinitely, which seems a lot to ask my boss for. Anyone have any tips on how to ask/tell my boss? Also keen to avoid mentioning the whole mental health thing if possible...

(I don't mind offering to make up the hours, but even if I do my absences will be conspicuous and coworkers will gossip/resent any special treatment I seem to be getting. Keep trying to tell myself it's not a big deal and I can't be the first from my workplace with depression/anxiety, but in 7 years I've never noticed anyone else from my team routinely take such large chunks of the week off, and whenever anyone is absent there's always gossiping.

Once the line manager - now left - of another team came into the office to have a big eye-roll about one of her staff taking appointments for depression. It was clearly a hilarious joke to her that he was mentally ill and being so inconvenient. Not at all cool to tell us that.)

in my experience the best way is to be honest with your boss and expect them to treat you professionally and with respect. dunno what to do if they don't - i've always felt well treated but i've seen some appalling behaviour re: other people which can't help but make me wonder what goes on behind my back. but i can't let myself think like that.

a propos of nothing i'm very confused at the moment because despite what i think of as being crappy help i've somehow managed to come to a very non-depressed place. i can't account for how this has happened but fuck it, i'm not overthinking it. i just hope everybody else who's suffering can find their way to a better state of mind.

Oh, spacecadet, what an unhelpful work environment! I think with yr boss it'd be very hard to ask for flexitime without giving a reason, and the truth seems like the most efficient one. For anyone else I think just saying "hospital appointment" or "appointment" should do it -- it's quite easy to shut people down by implying they're being unreasonably nosy (though that will inevitably mean some sort of gossip story circulates, just because people are bored and need something to talk about). But when it comes to a boss/HR, you need to put your flexitime request in such a way that they won't be able to refuse it: though there's no law that says they have to give you time off for medical appointments, a refusal to allow you flexitime to accommodate documented health needs is the kind of thing you could take to an employment tribunal.

Also, you never know, people might surprise you with their consideration, it's happened before.

This may be of absolutely zero relevance to anyone on this thread, but a very good friend of mine runs a support group for young people (primarily 18-25ish) in London who suffer from depression/anxiety etc, feel free to get in touch with me if you know anyone who might want more info on it. It's something that has made me really proud to be her m8.

i've somehow managed to come to a very non-depressed place.

! :D

APC, maybe they will be dicks about it and gossip but the trade off will be that you might learn really good ways of coping with the anxiety it causes?

a support group for young people (primarily 18-25ish) in London who suffer from depression/anxiety etc

is this held at Wembley Stadium

glad to hear you're doing better NV. APC, I think those sessions will help, and you do not need to feel bothered by what others think. best of luck.

I teetered close to the edge Friday, couldn't stop crying, and blogged out to my friends about how I wasn't doing well. Was amazed by the outreach they all provided - knew I had good friends, but it really meant a lot.

Did a lot of things over the weekend to help fix my current state. Toxic ladyfriend started texting again and I realized all she did was make me miserable, so I broke off conversation with her, and then broke off something I was supposed to help her with. Immediately thenafter, OKCupid lady I was talking to for weeks asked me out for drinks. realized this was a large part of my misery, that I wasn't respecting myself by trying to be with someone that made me feel miserable.

also spent a lot of time with friends, which helped. still have a great deal of anxiety due to my parents, and a conversation with them that's been brewing for 13 years that I'm afraid is going to happen. and I know I still have a lot of work to do with repairing the way I view myself, and forcing myself not to negate my own needs in favor of other people's...so this perfect storm doesn't happen again.

but definitely feeling better. 2013 has been an unusually challenging year, which isn't a bad thing, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. work, o nthe other hand, is barely a blip on the radar, has been the smoothest year at work in my entire career.

Thanks everyone. tbf my bosses have always been very accommodating about past non-brain medical appointments, no questions asked, so it's not being told I can't go that I fear, but the gossip, or that people will think I'm taking the piss, even the ones who OK it. I like most of my officemates, but the amount of cattiness and speculation I've heard about other people...

But, I've got to take what steps I can to look after myself, and as just1n3 says, practice ignoring what other people might be saying about me could be case study #1, really.

Congrats NV!

(I'm actually not in such a bad place myself right now, but I plan to take the CBT anyway, though I guess I should explain this to the therapist in the first session in case she thinks I'm a waste of time. I'm in a strange, temporary limbo, still living with my ex and getting on well enough that it's stopping me feeling the isolation which I know is waiting once he leaves or gets serious with his new gf; and I've got some underlying issues behind the depression/isolation which it would be good to work on, and maybe when the depression isn't getting in the way so much is the best time to do so. Just worried that I won't put enough effort in if things currently seem livable-with.)

Anyone have any tips on how to ask/tell my boss?

The exact tone to strike would depend on your usual relationship with your boss, but the general tone should be professional. Your boss's main legitimate concern would be your ability to complete your work assignments. Approach him or her mostly on the basis that you are looking to work out the details of how to make sure your CBT sessions do not interfere with your work or that of your colleagues any more than is absolutely required.

Keep making assurances that you fully intend to make this work out to your boss's satisfaction and that you wish to know right away if concerns emerge about the quality of your work. But don't suggest that not not taking these sessions is an option you'd consider and do not agree with any suggestion that you not do CBT or postpone it indefinitely.

If your boss resists or fails to cooperate, just thank him or her for listening to you and leave. Then contact HR, if your company is big enough. Or contact a labor lawyer if there is no one to appeal to above your boss.

aps, I don't think it's a waste of time to do it now. You can always apply the stuff you learn now to problems that may come up later. And yeah, trying to spot-fix when you're in a crisis can be a lot more difficult than just doing the work in an ongoing way (trust me, I should know)