thread to get over a breakup

YAY!!!

:D

I kind of hope for the best for all people and that they can learn to be functional humans

that said, the person I posted about years ago is an even worse trainwreck and thank god my life is cool

I am not actually *breaking* *up* w/ ppl per se but there is a person who I have overinvested in and a person who has overinvested in me and I need to retract from both and it is a thing that is kind of real

relationship management should be a certified course somewhere

you hate opeth

<3

my current boyfriend who i intend to marry also dislikes opeth, but its not combined with all that other stuff so its not unsavory

uh oh

if we broke up that would be the only thing i could write here. you disliked opeth, but went to see them with me anyway and in fact bought the tickets

i love that.

:)))))))

had a really rough day of missing her like crazy. just chatting about parenty stuff over FB and for a second i want to just mention, casually, that i do miss her very much. but it's finished isn't it and i shdn't do that. right? just back me up here plz.

Correct.

you're allowed to feel things, just don't linger on it

thanks. just needed reinforcement. :/

Yeah fraid not man.

:/

oh nv <3

it passed

there shd be like an AA for ex-partners in moments of relapse

i will be yr sponsor, NV

cheers :)

it's a less onerous task than watching out for my booze lapses

for me they often go together

I'm not sure why its a bad thing to tell an ex you miss them? :/ I still tell J I miss him, from time to time (and we still hang out a lot so its a silly thing to say!)

I mean you dont want to be all sobby and PLEASE COME BACK TO ME OR I WILL DIIIIIIIIIIIIE, but surely a wistful fond "I miss what we had" is acceptable when it was a marriage with kids ffs

Because the relationship is over? Would you say that to a friend if you were in a committed relationship?

Like if you are no longer in a relationship, you have to look at it as a whole, not the parts. If as a whole you miss the relationship then why are you not in it? If it's some parts, then you can kind of fondly remember and then get the fuck on to more useful thoughts

Some things just aren't made easier by sharing, and unfortunately this is one of them. In fact it's probably worse when you pull this sad blanket back up to your chin. :(

@Trayce: Each person has to respect the other's choices, and part of that is not making them relive the hard things all the time.

Would you say that to a friend if you were in a committed relationship?

Yes? Maybe I'm weird :(

Me too. You're not weird.

Hey married lady I miss when we used to do it.

Your single "friend",
mh

p.s. Please keep hanging out with me I don't think about banging you that much and I'm sure your spouse won't mind.

I wouldnt be thinking about someone that way if they were married, tbf.

"i miss what we had" can refer to lots of other things one misses from a past relationship too. I guess i'm not jealous or insecure enough to be bothered or feel threatened by my gf/spouse occasionally wistfully reminiscing about someone that she was once close with.

I think I would say that I missed something in particular, like arguing over TV or whatever, not "what we had" because what you had was a relaish

and hopefully one that enriched both of you in some way, and that you learned from, and can take what you learned into future relationships and likewise avoid repeating mistakes that drove you apart. I would so much rather embark on a new relationship with someone who speaks fondly of her ex even after they've parted ways than someone who has totally cut off communication, or worse, someone who trashes her ex.

well I am close friends with and speak fondly of my second most recent ex, and occasionally reminisce over fun times we had, but I'm fairly sure her current husband (also a friend of mine) would whoop my ass if I pinged her "hey I miss what we had". but as Trayce said, I don't think people itt are talking about saying it to married folk.

I actually know someone married to an xgf of mine who i've told (if not in these exact words) that I miss what we once had and still think of her alot, but also that I think they're a much better couple than we ever could have been, and I'm glad they found each other and made things work that we couldn't, and he's fine with that.

I miss all kinds of things I had at different times but expressing that verbally just seems greedy to me, because it's not expressing gratitude for something given? Kind of a semantics thing, but I'd rather say "I appreciated when you'd help me" rather than "I miss when you'd do this" because one is keeping it positive and the other is addressing a change negatively? idk, semantics

this is about NV's sitch specifically. i understand sharing & all but whether or not you personally would or would not express those feelings is kinda by the wayside? it's more helpful *in this situation* if he doesn't, empathy being kinda key here

i'm normally the first to barge in with a long explanation of me & my feels so idk why I'm pushing back but

arg

fuckit

as you were

otm

It would be a terrible idea for Noodle to say anything in the circs, agreed

head up NV

what kept blind-siding me yesterday, keeps blind-siding me tbh, is the things we used to do as a family and the times we shared in love with each other's company. and i had the "is this really the end?" conversation with her 18 months ago, and it's me who needs to remind myself that the situation isn't going to magically change, in fact is probably going to get more finished, at least for her, over time. and any kind of needy, wheedly, "i still miss you" line on my part is really just putting a kind of pressure and a kind of "look how sad you made me" onto her. which she does not deserve.

so when i overlook the reasons that we weren't happy any more just to make it into this "please take me back" scenario well, i'd be lying to everybody, ultimately. i may not feel ready to move on, yet, but i'll deal with that myself and keep remembering that the ship's over the horizon and all i'm sighing after is the smoke.

i don't think you can ever say any version of "i have feelings for you" to someone in a truly neutral way. there's always a secret appeal.

any kind of needy, wheedly, "i still miss you" line on my part is really just putting a kind of pressure and a kind of "look how sad you made me" onto her. which she does not deserve.

from that i think you can deduce what you need to do, and what you should (or shouldn't) say to her.

i knew, i just wanted somebody to agree with me so i didn't lie to myself

<3

been two years since my ex-wife and i separated...for all the craziness i do still miss her sometimes. Its normal. 16 years of my life were spent with her, I'll always miss her regardless of the fact that we aren't together and never will be again. Yeah I'm happy now and in a decent relationship, but yes..its totally normal to still miss your ex.

didn't see the last revive so I want to wish NV all the best and also to take on board everything he says in his well-written post because I am guilty of missing and sad-making and it's not right of me

one of these things I want to do will be easier than the other: all the best, NV

i don't think you can ever say any version of "i have feelings for you" to someone in a truly neutral way. there's always a secret appeal.

― ftraight from ye toppe of my Donne (Noodle Vague), Friday, September 20, 2013 12:30 AM (8 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

:(

i was right :(

i hope i can be somebody who gives to this thread now

god knows it took fucken long enough to get over :)

50% think the problems are worth separating over, but maybe 30% of the problems have seen some progress over the past few years, with much tiredness as a result. then other problems arise. how sad is it when base-line compatibility trumps affection and commitment. not sure i can ask for a second chance again and be fair to this person.