Depression and what it's really like

I could use some help caring for/supporting my husband who is going through some serious-seeming anxiety/panic/depression. It's related to a specific work situation that he doesn't feel he can quit. He's had a few episodes that might have been panic attacks, as well as random crying spells, and his mood swings pretty frequently throughout the day. The work situation that's causing it is temporary (ends in a couple of months) but he is obviously not okay until then. I've suggested seeing the Dr but he doesn't think it will make a difference (he might still go, hasn't ruled it out, I am pushing for this). I am being as supportive as possible but it's scary and horrible and I feel like I need to do more.

Apologies if there is info upthread that would speak to this, I haven't read the whole thing yet.

I can't offer much advice but as someone who felt trapped in a job in the past, the first necessary step for me was to find a time outside the job to feel calm and assess the situation. Only then was I in a good enough mind state to feel I could look for something else. Therapy helped immensely. Hope you guys find a solution, or a way to weather the storm.

i'm always recommending this workbook to ppl - it was/is a huge help to my husband in dealing with a panic/anxiety disorder:

an end to panic: breakthrough techniques for overcoming panic disorder by elke zuercher-white

at the very least, it will teach him how manage most of the physical symptoms of anxiety and panic, which often in turn help diminish the emotional symptoms too.

Thanks Vinnie, we are attempting to find him time/space to be calm. It doesn't help that the work he's doing is from home, and he feels hunted all the time by his smartphone. Without giving too many details, he's being harassed and it's 24/7 some days.

Thank you, just1n3, that gives me something concrete to do. I will order that book.

The world of the happy is quite different from the world of the unhappy.

I often, OFTEN felt like that: no husband, no babies, no home, no car, no couch or living room or entertainment system, don't like my job, nothing to show except my friends and my self and my hobbies for all these years

I have all those things and I give myself a hard time for not having enough friends and not spending time with my friends and not having rewarding* hobbies.
I've come to realise that I will always be dissatisfied in some way.

*Gamerscore doesn't count

I have all those things

er, I don't have a husband

it's ok man you'll find him someday

thx bro

I'm feeling really bored & restless. I need to work again, but just thinking about the jobs that would be available to me makes me want to jump off something. Unfortunately, the town I live in doesn't even have tall buildings. If I haven't gotten it together by now, it seems unlikely that I ever will. Also, I am supposed to be hanging out with my boyfriend right now, but he just stormed off because I was harping on him about when we are going to spend the night together. He NEVER wants to stay with me, and I can't come to his house because of his stupid, uptight Gujarati mother (although I really blame HIM, not her). I have not slept next to him in over a year & I really think I'm going to slit my wrists if I have to keep sleeping alone.

dump that dude ffs

sorry, i didn't mean for that to sound mean or anything but jeez you TOTALLY deserve better

^^^ otm.

also, as someone who feels totally daunted by the prospect of working a shitty job/feels like he's never gonna get a 'real' job, just try to keep your ears open and be patient. just this past week a few things have popped up that i might actually, you know, enjoy. and i'm sure there is something out there for you, it just might not be obvious right away.

tbf a sucessful evening for me is basically getting drunk and having my cat fall asleep on my chest, but at least my cat's mom isn't all judging us and shit

My only real goal in life right now is to be able to move somewhere I can have a cuddly cat.

Thanks for the encouragement, ian. I have always felt barely-competent at all my jobs, which is demoralizing because they're all unskilled, entry-level bullshit things. I'm just never fast enough, I can't multitask, I can't focus. I always feel stupid & put-down. I think I did pretty good at my last restaurant job, but my boss was a complete cunt even after 3 years of me working there (I was the longest-standing employee. The turnover was very high because no one could stand him). He treated me like an idiot until the day I walked out (which I actually did because I'd been having debilitating panic attacks throughout my entire shift for about 6 months straight & I had a weird rash and was convinced I was dying. I left in the middle of serving a table, walked a mile in a thunderstorm, got in bed and drank a bottle of wine).

Oh emilys! That does not sound like a recipe for a calm spirit...

:(

is this thread de-indexed?

yes

thank you!

so i've been having a hard time at work. my therapist recommended i get screened for ADHD by a psychiatrist. i had my appointment with him today and he said it sounds like i have more symptoms of depression (and some of anxiety) than of attention deficit. he prescribed Zoloft. i've never been on an anti-depressant, and i am scared (which i expressed to him.) work has made me miserable for the past month, though, so i am going to do it.

i don't know what i'm asking here, and i feel like i am using the thread for a less serious form of depression than it's really for, but i wondered if anyone has experiences with Zoloft? i know it's all anecdotal, but i feel like i'm reeling a little bit from this impending life change.

i had bad experiences with Zoloft --- it made me very angry -- but different drugs work differently for different people, as this thread reminds us over and over again

yeah. i don't know what i'm asking for, really. i think i am trying to adjust to the possibility i might be depressed? it is not how i generally think of myself. and overcome a kneejerk discomfort with medication. also he told me i should stop drinking while i'm taking it! i was like, i probably shouldn't express how much that bums me out right now, huh?

that is the standard medical line about anti-depressants: no drinking. They do significantly reduce your tolerance fyi (at least they did mine, which was a good thing)

this thread - antidepressants - s&d, CoD, evil bitches, cash cows and saviours of sanity - is good for people's different experiences. A casual ctrl-f for 'zoloft' and 'sertraline' comes up with lots of v divergent stuff, which I can't tell whether it'll be useful or not. I guess it gives you a spectrum of possibilities for how it'll be.

some people just have temporary depression and are prescribed antidepressants for it --which sounds kinda like your situation -- this doesn't mean that you have to take drugs or consider yourself depressed for the rest of your life.

different drugs work differently for different people, as this thread reminds us over and over again

otm

Zoloft did not make me angry. it didn't help a lot either tbf but I wasn't getting therapy and I don't think I was really giving it much to work with, so if you're working with your therapist that sounds hopeful and I hope you have better luck.

(I read on ILX much later that you shouldn't drink while on it, and I thought back to the times I did drink while on it and went "oh yeah! that was a bad combination now I think about it", just because the booze tended to nullify the effect of the Zoloft for the next couple of days and conversely my alcohol tolerance or lack thereof was really unpredictable and it got messy a few times)

using the thread for a less serious form of depression than it's really for

eh
1. I hope this thread is for all forms of depression, tbh I'm more mild dysthymia than major anything rn but I like knowing this thread is here and has my back
2. don't ever feel that you are not qualifying on some special flower scale of mental specialness or misery Olympics, you're having a bad time and your feelings deserve to be taken as seriously as anyone else's. please feel free to talk here as long as it's helpful, good vibes to you etc

thank you both. i looked at the antidepressant thread and it definitely alleviated some of my anxiety--it seems like no one had horrifying and dramatic side effects. it also seemed like overall people didn't find it super-helpful, but i understand that these drugs work differently for different people, and ilx is a pretty small sample size.

can i admit that it also makes me feel weird that the thing that led me to get on antidepressants is essentially feeling like i'm not a good worker? which is terrible, because my job is teaching.

xp thanks spacecadet

i probably need someone to screen me for ADHD too but i am overwhelmed by thinking of how i might feel to hear that and overwhelmed by trying to get something done about my problems. my office at work is such a mess and i don't get things done that i need to. it's so paralyzing sometimes. i make fun of myself for it but it's not really a joke.

i totally feel that not a good worker thing, so much. it sucks that we have to have jobs to survive and i am not being sarcastic or whatever about that. i would be fine if i just didn't have to work.

fwiw harbl, i felt immediate relief once my therapist made the appointment for me. and up until today, i got kind of happy thinking about it, though that was probably my naive hope that finding out i had ADHD would magically fix me and turn me into an organized person. but yeah, now i am a little overwhelmed by the diagnosis.

overwhelmed is my general vibe these days.

xp god i know, right?

also, i preemptively miss you, wine! it's not you, it's me!

btw by the unpredictable alcohol tolerance thing I mean there were nights when I could drink just like before, and then there were nights when almost right away I'd get that "things are spinning and I really should have stopped drinking several drinks ago" feeling. I don't think it did any actual damage but the medication definitely did seem less effective a day or two after drinking.

I also very much relate to the not good worker thing, I have never really got a therapist to take this seriously but it really paralyses me into getting even less done which makes me spiral into self-loathing, a lot, forever. oh well :\

yeah i would like to say here that i love my therapist for taking stuff like that seriously. she also spent more than the allotted time with me last time i saw her (the occasion that she made the psych appointment for me) because i was such a mess. i half-think that she suspected i was depressed and thought she'd tactfully get me in front of a psychiatrist by broaching the organization issue. if so, she was right.

i started seeing her last year because of first year teacher stress fwiw

there are tons of "productivity" and "organizational" tips and strategies out there (as far as the bad worker thing goes) -- it's something i've suffered through and dealt with and suffered through and dealt with (back and forth) for years. For me it was stabilizing the brain chemistry first before I could even address improving habits.

yeah, she's given me a bunch of those, though i think i maybe similarly haven't been able to focus enough to use them consistently.

also i kind of resent them but i need to get over it

it's okay to resent things that don't come naturally to you i think

i hate having to even try to be organized, mainly cos it's not a demand i make much on myself, it's something the organized gits i work with want to impose on me

i reckon the truth is usually that they're too much, i'm not enough, and half your workmates feel that panic of disorganization but are better at hiding it

was one of them the 2 minute thing? It has some clever name, but the concept is that if a task will take 2 minutes or less to accomplish, then do those right away.

no! but that's a good idea. everything takes me more than 2 minutes, though :/

and then there's the breaking things down into smaller tasks thing -- and visualization exercises -- god, i have spent too many years in underpaid and unpaid management jobs ...

my experience with zoloft has been fine if underwhelming i guess. the only side effect i've suspected is having trouble remembering things, but that could be due to all sorts of other things.

also i did not stop drinking. i've suffered no particular ill effects, but yeah it may reduce the drug's effectiveness.

i do not have to be 'on' all the time like a teacher, tho. anyway i'm really skeptical that a glass of wine would be amiss -- but certainly be careful at first.

but i am overwhelmed by thinking of how i might feel to hear that and overwhelmed by trying to get something done about my problems. my office at work is such a mess and i don't get things done that i need to. it's so paralyzing sometimes. i make fun of myself for it but it's not really a joke.

this this this. i had been v subtly declining for upwards of 6 months, can't really pinpoint in what ways exactly, but as an already lazy/unmotivated/procrastinating person, those traits got worse, like, i would almost cry at the thought of doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, and i started having more 'blah' days, and pre-menstrual depression/anxiety got worse. work became intolerable. but i just ignored it, bc y'know, it's my fault that i have a shitty personality and shitty vices, right?

then i moved house and got a new dog with issues, and i had basically a total and sudden breakdown, and was forced to accept i needed to speak to a doctor. my psych appt isn't for 2 more weeks, but my GP put me on celexa/citalopram and klonopin right away. the afternoon i got the prescription i freaked out even more bc omg i am now a depressed person on medication, what does that mean about who i am now?

then i woke up the next day after getting the first decent sleep in ages and felt great, and i've been feeling great for 6 days now - could be the klonopin, could be the celexa (doubtful this early), could be the placebo effect, but whatever, i feel calmer about stuff, and am just hopeful it continues this way for as long as possible.

having a hard time dealing with everything, constantly looking for ways to disengage and fuck off, but that makes things worse of course. this feeling of being 'ok' and 'fine' while simultaneously feeling lost and like everything is just quietly falling apart. work is difficult and thankless. my boss is out to make my life miserable in all these stupid, petty, demoralizing ways because i keep making her look bad by trying to give form and life to what is basically a poorly defined position-in-a-vacuum. i keep trying to adjust my perspective, be grateful i have a job, do all the dumb poorly conceived busywork, the work it takes to make that work matter, the work it takes to hold my boss's hand through all of it and make her feel like it was all thanks to her, become one with the bullshit basically. but fuck if i didn't feel like it this week, after a month of getting through an informal hr mediation with her successfully, taking the ridiculous little punishments like the good guy. i alternate between being very angry and trying to let the anger go, i guess. i called in sick monday for no good reason, came in yesterday morning and pretended to be sick, even put on a little performance for my boss who told me to go home, called in sick again today. it's pathetic. at this point i just have to own it and go in tomorrow, "yeah i feel a little better *sniffle*", whatever.

at least the relationship i'm in has rewards but i'm still finding it difficult to navigate in many ways. looking forward to a first visit with a new therapist next tuesday. i've been thinking about how much anxiety sabotages me and that it might be time to try anti-anxiety meds. anyway.

called in sick again today

yeah this feels guiltily righteous but then gets out of hand

and whatever you do on your day off doesn't make you feel better anyway

yep

good luck matt p - the anxiety for me is def worse than the depression bc the depression i can just ignore for the most part