Depression and what it's really like

Going to bed at 6:30 am and waking up at fucking 7 pm. That's what it's like.

big hugs & good vibes to you, emily --

i had a pretty rough day myself. just feeling like things are hopeless and i'm never gonna get back on my feet again. slept until 11am, then slept again from 3:30pm to about 7pm. had minor breakdowns about life, the job search, my feelings of hopelessness. it's really hard. i don't even listen to records much these days, which i think is a sign of how bad things are. usually i listen to music all day. i'll put on a record now and after a side i can't even muster up the enthusiasm to flip it, or put on something else.

really hoping things get better. i'm applying for a job at Trader Joe's tomorrow, which is... kind of embarassing? like, i'm an adult, i don't want to be working in a fucking grocery store.

ian <3 ian <3 ian <3

Not listening to enough music is definitely a symptom and cause of depression. I just had to beg off of an 8am class I'm supposed to model for because for me being at work at 8am is the circadian equivalent of asking someone with a normal 9-5 schedule to show up for work at 3am. But I just got this gig & the coordinator already knows what a useless wastril I am & I will probably never get classes evarrr now...

Neverminding the fact that I am three decades old and I am doing the same shit I was doing at age 18, which should really only be a side-money gig & am not at all closer to having any kind of career or adult life.

My synapses are at maximum capacity from about 9pm-4am. I should work at a sleep disorder center. But seriously, what's with fucking sleeping 12 hours. The day is ruined and I have nothing to look forward to but another night of fucking solitude.

Anyway, Ian don't feel too bad. As shit jobs go, I think Trader's Joes is one of the better ones? Like, don't you get profit shares & benefits? My bestie worked there for a long time & didn't complain about it too much.

totally w/u (except for the modeling part; their loss)

i've got a lot of love for my fellow miserabilists and i wish you all enough strength to get thru the day and then a little extra strength tomorrow until y'all can live the lives you deserve

yeah hang in there everybody

ian i am sure there are lots of adults at trader joes and yes i've heard it's actually a really good place to work at!

i'm applying for a job at Trader Joe's tomorrow, which is... kind of embarassing? like, i'm an adult, i don't want to be working in a fucking grocery store.

I feel like I always see adults working at various TJs and they almost always seem like ppl who are interesting/would be fun to work with! V often I assume they must have really interesting other interests/things happening in their lives that this job is just a support system for. Plus, insurance! For a lot of ppl that's enough reason right there to keep a job for a looong time.

bro if you can get insurance, TAKE THAT SHIT.

You guys, go ahead and be depressed and stuff, I'm not saying you could overcome that if only you tried harder, AT ALL, but the stuff about "I'm not a real adult, I will never achieve adult things"--you can't be ruled by those thoughts, that's just letting the values of normal boring people get ahead of you.

I often, OFTEN felt like that: no husband, no babies, no home, no car, no couch or living room or entertainment system, don't like my job, nothing to show except my friends and my self and my hobbies for all these years--and really get down about it. Until I randomly met and hung out with a super awesome person who also didn't have those things and didn't care and is like 20 years older than me and happy and successful at her music enough to get by and has all the things she really WANTS, and it is none of the things I was feeling bad/guilty about. I just needed to see someone else living it, to validate my choices and how I'm probably going to end up. It was transformative. I know now that my choices are valid and they allow me to survive and be myself, and get what I really want, if not what the world tells me I should want!

Sorry to be Pollyanna about this, just this is one terrible place I *have* been in, and a profound experience lifted me out of it, and it meant a lot (still does).

some ilxor posted a RuPaul quote on Facebook last weekend, and that, and my own sick of feeling guiltiness, has really kickstarted my head this week. so thanks

<3

That was for lrl but luv u too nv

She has cats, tho, and I swear to god no matter how bad it gets I am not ending up with cats.

<3 u, jon lewis!

love you all <3

i applied at trader joe's. talked to a nice lady who said they usually needed help at the extreme shifts (5am start or 2am finish ) which seems kinda like hell to me, but also on weekends so i was like "sure, okay, i'll work weekends." and she said okay, cool, and we talked a few minutes and then said i probably wouldn't hear back from them for abt a month. which is a drag, i guess, but it's good to try and put the effort in, especially since i have to talk to the unemployment office next week and show them that i have been looking for work.

i also talked to my friend today about maybe working part time at his beer & cheese store, which owuld actually be pretty excellent.

yeah it would!

such an ilxy job

You contribute to "beer in the new era"

hugz to u ian

it's obviously a different situation, but reading about yet another cyber-bullying casualty makes me want to rage against death out of spite. Stand strong, my young, freak sisters & homos!

At my 45 hr a week desk job I have sometimes fantasized abt working at trader joe's, idk it seems like an honest and essential occupation.

jesus, what a terrible weekend

I have long noticed that any job where your efforts have known, tangible benefits to individuals that you see face to face is likely to be paid less than jobs where you manipulate abstractions and spend much of your time in isolation. This sucks.

Xpost same here, awful weekend. As a result I am at my desk at work feeling panicked and nightmarish. Unfort I cannot discuss my stuff since I am an idiot who thought it was a good idea to ilx under his given
name.

hugs to emily & j0n l3w1sszz

j0n l3wi1z, i would like to hang out sometime soon! i think we see each other like once every two years and that's just not enough imo? since you are clearly such a cool bro??
still waiting to hear back from my friends about working at their store. it would be cool, even if it's just a few days a week. would be enough structure to help my depression and a bit of money to supplement what i make selling records online/at record shows. also, beer and cheese!

with you both emily and jon lewis. maybe it's the changing of the seasons, at least over in these parts. this weekend had a much different vibe than the past few months... felt like the first real weekend of fall.

Ian it would be super to see you. I was gonna look for you at Richard Youngs but I got a cold that day and didn't go. I am boring to hang out with bc I cant drink/can't eat fun foods/am old n tired, but I do like the talkin and the watchin the stories and the sittin around.

Weather is not the root of my issues rn, in fact I loved the weather this weekend...

Man, sobriety is such a double edged sword Jon! I'm an alkie who has now been sober for about 6 months. My depression has eased because booze is a trigger for me, but I also never go out, see friends etc. because I think I'm such a drag. Last time I drank was when I was best man as my bros wedding, which was such a hard balancing act. Too much and I would embarrass a'body, and to little Dutch Courage and I wouldn't be able to give the speech. Managed it by the grace of God.

I would like to thank Dowd for the really thoughtful email he sent me. You are a good guy.

Applied for a job today at the Mysterious Bookshop, a crime and mystery specialty store in Manhattan. Seems like I would be happy there.

I personally love the fall -- it's my favorite weather. I find it really oppressive to go out in those humid summer days, but I could wander around for ages the way the weather is now. I find that I just need to get out of bed and immediately start doing SOMETHING, so as not to let the downer vibes take over. Even if it's as simple as frying some eggs or walking to the coffee shop -- I can't just sit on the couch or else i start feeling really down and hopeless. I just need to stay in motion..

I could use some help caring for/supporting my husband who is going through some serious-seeming anxiety/panic/depression. It's related to a specific work situation that he doesn't feel he can quit. He's had a few episodes that might have been panic attacks, as well as random crying spells, and his mood swings pretty frequently throughout the day. The work situation that's causing it is temporary (ends in a couple of months) but he is obviously not okay until then. I've suggested seeing the Dr but he doesn't think it will make a difference (he might still go, hasn't ruled it out, I am pushing for this). I am being as supportive as possible but it's scary and horrible and I feel like I need to do more.

Apologies if there is info upthread that would speak to this, I haven't read the whole thing yet.

I can't offer much advice but as someone who felt trapped in a job in the past, the first necessary step for me was to find a time outside the job to feel calm and assess the situation. Only then was I in a good enough mind state to feel I could look for something else. Therapy helped immensely. Hope you guys find a solution, or a way to weather the storm.

i'm always recommending this workbook to ppl - it was/is a huge help to my husband in dealing with a panic/anxiety disorder:

an end to panic: breakthrough techniques for overcoming panic disorder by elke zuercher-white

at the very least, it will teach him how manage most of the physical symptoms of anxiety and panic, which often in turn help diminish the emotional symptoms too.

Thanks Vinnie, we are attempting to find him time/space to be calm. It doesn't help that the work he's doing is from home, and he feels hunted all the time by his smartphone. Without giving too many details, he's being harassed and it's 24/7 some days.

Thank you, just1n3, that gives me something concrete to do. I will order that book.

The world of the happy is quite different from the world of the unhappy.

I often, OFTEN felt like that: no husband, no babies, no home, no car, no couch or living room or entertainment system, don't like my job, nothing to show except my friends and my self and my hobbies for all these years

I have all those things and I give myself a hard time for not having enough friends and not spending time with my friends and not having rewarding* hobbies.
I've come to realise that I will always be dissatisfied in some way.

*Gamerscore doesn't count

I have all those things

er, I don't have a husband

it's ok man you'll find him someday

thx bro

I'm feeling really bored & restless. I need to work again, but just thinking about the jobs that would be available to me makes me want to jump off something. Unfortunately, the town I live in doesn't even have tall buildings. If I haven't gotten it together by now, it seems unlikely that I ever will. Also, I am supposed to be hanging out with my boyfriend right now, but he just stormed off because I was harping on him about when we are going to spend the night together. He NEVER wants to stay with me, and I can't come to his house because of his stupid, uptight Gujarati mother (although I really blame HIM, not her). I have not slept next to him in over a year & I really think I'm going to slit my wrists if I have to keep sleeping alone.

dump that dude ffs

sorry, i didn't mean for that to sound mean or anything but jeez you TOTALLY deserve better

^^^ otm.

also, as someone who feels totally daunted by the prospect of working a shitty job/feels like he's never gonna get a 'real' job, just try to keep your ears open and be patient. just this past week a few things have popped up that i might actually, you know, enjoy. and i'm sure there is something out there for you, it just might not be obvious right away.

tbf a sucessful evening for me is basically getting drunk and having my cat fall asleep on my chest, but at least my cat's mom isn't all judging us and shit

My only real goal in life right now is to be able to move somewhere I can have a cuddly cat.

Thanks for the encouragement, ian. I have always felt barely-competent at all my jobs, which is demoralizing because they're all unskilled, entry-level bullshit things. I'm just never fast enough, I can't multitask, I can't focus. I always feel stupid & put-down. I think I did pretty good at my last restaurant job, but my boss was a complete cunt even after 3 years of me working there (I was the longest-standing employee. The turnover was very high because no one could stand him). He treated me like an idiot until the day I walked out (which I actually did because I'd been having debilitating panic attacks throughout my entire shift for about 6 months straight & I had a weird rash and was convinced I was dying. I left in the middle of serving a table, walked a mile in a thunderstorm, got in bed and drank a bottle of wine).

Oh emilys! That does not sound like a recipe for a calm spirit...