Depression and what it's really like

Slept for an hour or so. Dillon barked and woke me up. He can only use three legs at the moment and I think he's got the idea barking helps the pathos. Head feels clearer - skipped the med that might be causing the problems. No-one could really tell me whether to skip it or not before seeing my psych tomorrow. Lots of Abbot and Costello style 'should I take my dose?' 'the Dr will tell you whether to stop' 'OK but should I take my dose today?' 'I can't tell you that, the psychiatrist will advise you tomorrow'. Ugh. Still just lying around ruminating on negativity - gonna see if I can concentrate enough to watch the baseball, though that might not help :) Hope everyone who is not feeling good is feeling better - can be a problem with sharing with other people; I start worrying about them and that makes it worse. Or, even worse is a kind of horrible ego-centrism that I can fall into when I'm very low, like my soul is on emergency rations of emotion, and none is getting wasted on anyone else, and then that sensation just adds to your self-loathing. I genuinely do with everyone feels better though, even if I can't communicate it atm. Anyway, baseball is calming, maybe a Pirates will will brighten things up...

And sorry for ugly blocks of text - have to focus hard on spelling and general comprehensibility.

god, watching/listening to baseball really really helps me too.

It's the green, I think. Same as watching snooker.

and the sounds

"The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd"

I only find baseball calming when my team is in the basement.

music really helps fend off my depressive feelings, which is why i listen to so bloody much of it. i think if i weren't depressed i'd be one of those people that only own 12 CDs.

i'm sorry i don't have anything constructive to say at the moment but

I once walked out of an emergency room I had gone to for psych admission when I remembered Peyton Manning was playing in the Super Bowl the next day. I guess I realized that for the moment there was something I cared about.

It was a long walk home, but a great Super Bowl.

yeah that made me lol

Are there drugs that make you cry? Not, like, eyes water, but properly cry? Sometimes it seems like a good cry helps. You could carry them like mints. It could make a fortune. Need to think of a good brand though...

buffy season 5 finale

music really helps fend off my depressive feelings, which is why i listen to so bloody much of it. i think if i weren't depressed i'd be one of those people that only own 12 CDs.

Same here.

I get the opposite way - when I get depressed, I become one of those 12 CD people. I latch onto some song or album that exactly fits my mood and play it into the ground. This past year it's been Kitchens of Distinction.

i just become a voracious listener. music provides the dopamine rush and is a great procrastination tool. sometimes people ask where my encyclopedic knowledge of music comes from and i stop just short of saying "several decades of crippling depression."

listening to music incessantly definitely helped me between my other, even less healthy, obsessive behaviors

sometimes people ask where my encyclopedic knowledge of music comes from and i stop just short of saying "several decades of crippling depression."

sad LOL of recognition

listening to music incessantly definitely helped me between my other, even less healthy, obsessive behaviors

^^ x 1000

same here

i've never really detailed that i'm thinking one thought the whole time, a punishing thought, and have just framed it like "i was depressed and couldn't do anything but be sad", idk. i think i've kinda felt like i deserve to punish myself for stuff in that way or something? subconsciously, for the most part.

feelin this

blah, there really is no point to any of this shit.

it's true but that "any" includes feeling depressed

Just been hit with the particularly nasty anhedonia/apathy symptoms for about the past week+. Stuff just not having its usual full texture, if that makes sense. Feeling like I don't really belong to my life, and that there really isn't any reason to be here. As I was saying to a friend, I can deal with self-loathing and bad/intense emotions. It's this numbed-out nothing I hate. I feel like "the Crusher" is trying to come back. The Crusher is this intrusive, almost foreign "voice" or aspect of my thought process that immediately dismisses anything that brings joy or succor & resents anyone else who seems to have a purpose in life. Like everything is terrible, and that is the incontrovertible TRUTH. I've been crazy long enough to know I just need to ride it out and keep doing shit I like to do. In fact, I feel a little better today than I did when I posted yesterday (because I took double my normal dose of brane pills? Solid sleep?), just felt like I should elaborate. It's freaky too, because lately I have been doing pretty GOOD. A LOT better with panic and agoraphobia. Socializing a lot, feeling bright & quick & lively. Even started working again, albeit very minimally. For awhile I was just overjoyed to be out and able to do stuff again. Maybe I just need more stimulation.

Sorry rambling....on hold with the DFCS office while posting...

the crusher can fuck off!!

OTM. It confusing though, that I can be so 'brave' with other people's Crusher, but faced with my one I'm impotent. I suppose it's the same phenomenon when faced with a friend who is depressed (or even just fed-up) I can spend literally days extolling their virtues expressing, my love for them, but a complement when I'm down is just ashes, incapable of nourishing.

(I'm genuinely sorry if that makes no sense: I haven't been making sense for days. Confusion has overtaken depression, though hopefully just a hypomanic spell rather than a psychotic break, which unfortunately are not alien to me. So people have said I'm incoherent, and I have no idea what is going on. So if it is just nonsensical ravings I don't have any way to tell, and it is not meant disrespectfully. And look, the addendum is longer than the message. seems to be the pattern these days. Anyway best of luck emilys and roxymuzak and everyone else I've read)

it makes 100% sense. im sure thats experience of a bunch of us here. you're just deaf to that stuff when you're suffering sometimes. or you feel like your predicament is worse than other people can understand.

most people don't understand

It's freaky too, because lately I have been doing pretty GOOD. A LOT better with panic and agoraphobia. Socializing a lot, feeling bright & quick & lively. Even started working again, albeit very minimally. For awhile I was just overjoyed to be out and able to do stuff again. Maybe I just need more stimulation.

Hey, emilys! Also don't forget that just when you're making progress on a behavior or tendency, it can snap back right at stages where you're about to push forward. Hold fast, sis.

def. true

it's like getting up from a night of dreaming about things you can't ever have and your body weighs twice what it did on Monday and there's still two days of work ahead

and then you casually weigh up the riverbottom and the office

i wonder if the interzones between seasons have an unsettling effect on some people? especially if they work in fields with definite seasonal patterns to them? i'm pretty damn sure my moods are seasonally affective.

So otm it hurts my BRANE.

Going to bed at 6:30 am and waking up at fucking 7 pm. That's what it's like.

big hugs & good vibes to you, emily --

i had a pretty rough day myself. just feeling like things are hopeless and i'm never gonna get back on my feet again. slept until 11am, then slept again from 3:30pm to about 7pm. had minor breakdowns about life, the job search, my feelings of hopelessness. it's really hard. i don't even listen to records much these days, which i think is a sign of how bad things are. usually i listen to music all day. i'll put on a record now and after a side i can't even muster up the enthusiasm to flip it, or put on something else.

really hoping things get better. i'm applying for a job at Trader Joe's tomorrow, which is... kind of embarassing? like, i'm an adult, i don't want to be working in a fucking grocery store.

ian <3 ian <3 ian <3

Not listening to enough music is definitely a symptom and cause of depression. I just had to beg off of an 8am class I'm supposed to model for because for me being at work at 8am is the circadian equivalent of asking someone with a normal 9-5 schedule to show up for work at 3am. But I just got this gig & the coordinator already knows what a useless wastril I am & I will probably never get classes evarrr now...

Neverminding the fact that I am three decades old and I am doing the same shit I was doing at age 18, which should really only be a side-money gig & am not at all closer to having any kind of career or adult life.

My synapses are at maximum capacity from about 9pm-4am. I should work at a sleep disorder center. But seriously, what's with fucking sleeping 12 hours. The day is ruined and I have nothing to look forward to but another night of fucking solitude.

Anyway, Ian don't feel too bad. As shit jobs go, I think Trader's Joes is one of the better ones? Like, don't you get profit shares & benefits? My bestie worked there for a long time & didn't complain about it too much.

totally w/u (except for the modeling part; their loss)

i've got a lot of love for my fellow miserabilists and i wish you all enough strength to get thru the day and then a little extra strength tomorrow until y'all can live the lives you deserve

yeah hang in there everybody

ian i am sure there are lots of adults at trader joes and yes i've heard it's actually a really good place to work at!

i'm applying for a job at Trader Joe's tomorrow, which is... kind of embarassing? like, i'm an adult, i don't want to be working in a fucking grocery store.

I feel like I always see adults working at various TJs and they almost always seem like ppl who are interesting/would be fun to work with! V often I assume they must have really interesting other interests/things happening in their lives that this job is just a support system for. Plus, insurance! For a lot of ppl that's enough reason right there to keep a job for a looong time.

bro if you can get insurance, TAKE THAT SHIT.

You guys, go ahead and be depressed and stuff, I'm not saying you could overcome that if only you tried harder, AT ALL, but the stuff about "I'm not a real adult, I will never achieve adult things"--you can't be ruled by those thoughts, that's just letting the values of normal boring people get ahead of you.

I often, OFTEN felt like that: no husband, no babies, no home, no car, no couch or living room or entertainment system, don't like my job, nothing to show except my friends and my self and my hobbies for all these years--and really get down about it. Until I randomly met and hung out with a super awesome person who also didn't have those things and didn't care and is like 20 years older than me and happy and successful at her music enough to get by and has all the things she really WANTS, and it is none of the things I was feeling bad/guilty about. I just needed to see someone else living it, to validate my choices and how I'm probably going to end up. It was transformative. I know now that my choices are valid and they allow me to survive and be myself, and get what I really want, if not what the world tells me I should want!

Sorry to be Pollyanna about this, just this is one terrible place I *have* been in, and a profound experience lifted me out of it, and it meant a lot (still does).

some ilxor posted a RuPaul quote on Facebook last weekend, and that, and my own sick of feeling guiltiness, has really kickstarted my head this week. so thanks

<3

That was for lrl but luv u too nv

She has cats, tho, and I swear to god no matter how bad it gets I am not ending up with cats.

<3 u, jon lewis!