God bless the goddamn Onion

*forwarding to people I know have a subscription*

*pausing, noticing it's 6 years old*

*acknowledging its stone-classic status, despite its un-forwardability*

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/plan_to_start_little_stationery

Didn't even read the story, headline is gold.

I lol'ed on the train home reading this

err..."reading this on the train home."

I guess it's not online, but I lol'd like a nut reading the print edition I picked up at the train station that had the headline, "Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through House."

Whith a shopped pic of the twins in knee-high socks, with the caption, "The ghostly former first daughters, shortly after a White House elevator reportedly overflowed with cherry daiquiri."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/lovecraftian_school_board_member

"Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum," fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. "I'm not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_166a_0.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_105a.jpg

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_152a.jpg

Kenan's Bush Twins: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/sasha_obama_keeps_seeing_creepy

It has been good lately. Current issue has lots of good stuff.

For my $, they'll never top "Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb"

Holy shit this ones a punch in the guts

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/son_its_time_we_have_a_talk

jesus

That's horrible. Also, important to remember about our new friends and creditors.

Man, is it ever not funny, though.

Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/obama_outfitted_with_238_motion

(there's one missing from the first picture, under his left ribs)

http://pitchfork.com/news/34809-billy-corgan-speaks-before-congress/

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/stephon_marbury_embroils_celtics

^^^ I bet it was a lot of fun to write this

sports = most constantly good section

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29938?utm_source=most_pop_dugg

Yeah, that was funny when I read it 12 years ago.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/renowned_hoo_ha_doctor_wins_nobel?utm_source=a-section

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/hot_new_video_game_consists?utm_source=a-section

Bobbie Battista now works for The Onion? (in that clip Billy linked to)

Yup, she sure does.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/pragues_franz_kafka_international

This is my favorite since the schizophrenia one.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Auction-Won-fp.frontpage_features_thumbnail.jpg

Auction Won By Crab With $20 Stuck In Claw

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ya that was amazing

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/three_fingered_on_class_trip_to?utm_source=c-section

(lots of great material lately)

so perfect that it started as a student paper in madison. even though they're long since huge and located in new york now still it's like a weekly refresher on the town's attitude

Besides setting the literary community abuzz, Salinger's decision to come out of seclusion has allowed scholars access to his massive archive of unpublished work for the first time. So far, critics have examined three never-before-seen novels, eight novellas, and more than two dozen short stories—all of which appear to be Terminator fan fiction.

:D

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_90_of_waking_hours_spent?utm_source=a-section

It's not funny because it's true

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/awful_article_large.article_large.jpg

"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.

And this headline: 60-Year-Old Hippie Pitied By 40-Year-Old Punk (link). "According to nearby sources, both the 60-year-old hippie and the 40-year-old punk were later pitied by a 30-year-old raver sitting barefoot in the grass."

Not brand new, but omg funny.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/gap_unveils_new_for_kids_by_kids

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_axes_pentagon_plan_to_build?utm_source=a-section

Well then.

!

It's so good. Love the goddamn Onion.

amazing!

http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/home/elements/4530/middle_china_warning.png
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/son_its_time_we_have_a_talk

Yao Ming, who at 28 will soon be the only active player ever to be inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame, learned to play basketball when he was 3 years old after finding an untamed cobra in the mountains, a cobra of ancient legend whose very breath was poisonous. The cobra was taller than a full-grown tree, and beat Yao in one-on-one basketball competition every day for 19 straight years. Then, the very night before their final game, Yao prayed deeply to his ancestors and ingested more than 20 pounds of Yu Wan Mei fish by-products, and behold! Yao grew three feet while he slept.

Yao beat the cobra 11-0 the following morning, beheaded it with a great spear, fashioned a graceful sailing vessel from its colossal body, and rode this vessel across the Pacific Ocean to play professional basketball in the United States. There, Yao Ming became leader of the Rockets after receiving the Mandate of Heaven from previous team captain Hakeem Olajuwon.

It is worth repeating, sources confirmed, that Tracy McGrady should always pass the ball to Yao Ming.

when these guys do dumb, it is so so beautiful