Depression and what it's really like

p is indulging yourself for sure

sex, or gross food

sex could also be exercise + social!

schedule six different things to do in a weekend seems... lofty

every day!

i was not familiar with GRAPES but i am stealing that

yeah me too, sounds effective.

Looked up GRAPES too. Saved it.

I just don't like how the categories are not discrete.

Is there a disorder in which someone basically needs something to take up 90% of their thoughts, like if they don't latch onto a weird fantasy world or mundane work-related obsession they end up just ruminating 100% of the time (even in dreams) on something terrible, embarrassing, otherwise painful? Is that just depression?

Sounds more like anxiety. You might not feel anxious emotionally, if it's a gen. anxiety disorder. Also possible OCD, but it's not one you can/ should try to self-diagnose. Is it causing problems?

that sounds a lot like how my friend with OCD describes his particular brand of OCD, but again, self-dx or dx-by-internet is inadvisable. If your intrusive thoughts are causing problems or being disruptive to your life, definitely worth talking to your doctor or getting an appointment with a shrink.

i've got that going on roxy. if i didn't have a grab bag of shit i'm dealing with i'd love to name it, but being this far on my "life journey" i've found that it relates to actual, brain-tangible things that have to be dealt with, and oftentimes it has almost nothing to do with what i'm worrying about! bouncing off silby's post, if it's causing a problem in your life then working with a therapist can give you an opportunity to dig into it.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/36d7feb0ed2501300bbf001dd8b71c47

Chuck otm

completely OTM

today what i want more than anything is to not feel guilty any more and i swear that's how i'm going to live from now on, without guilt.

so the next person that wants to bitch about me because i can take my children to an event but i can't make it into a fuckpit office can go and fuck themselves backwards for all i care.

Sounds more like anxiety. You might not feel anxious emotionally, if it's a gen. anxiety disorder. Also possible OCD, but it's not one you can/ should try to self-diagnose. Is it causing problems?

― you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Thursday, September 5, 2013 7:58 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yep. it comes and goes, but it interferes with everything

Sorry to hear that. You should try to see a professional, if you have that option. If not, the main thing NOT to do is to worry about it. Trying hard to banish the thoughts can make it worse. Try googling 'intrusive thoughts', steer clear of the people trying to sell you solutions, you should find some coping techniques. Visualisations of calming scenes can work, and I haven't tried it but I've heard a lot about the ol' rubber band trick and it seems to work for some people.

Really in a bad place, unfortunately. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't read, can't enjoy enything. My mind is a mess. Still, no suicidal thoughts, so should be able to stay out of hospital. Got out of the house for a bit today, but didn't talk to anywan. Don't want to lie inbed in this empty nothing despair state, but also don't want to go to hospital until breaking bad is over :) just kidding. Got some sleeping pills but I can't even keep my regular meds down. Was going to buy a violin tomorrow, but doubt it. Kind of worried because I'm not in a crying sort of down, but moving more towards the complete nothingness down, which can be more dangerous for me. Impressed I wrote this - most I've communicated in days. took long enough though. :) Sorry for nonsense - I know it's none of your concern. It'll pass anyway - I always have to remember that passes. inductive reasoning. Could do with a drink - maybe my sobriety meds are interfering with my usual ones. Monday tomorrow, I can check with my psych, maybe. I just want some rest.

roxy not to be a shill for BIG PHARMA but I sometimes have anxiety that manifests as intrusive thoughts and xanax is a fucking miracle. I can actually hear the thoughts just fade away into nothingness and it is so peaceful and great. You may be able to get an rx from a gp, too, rather than having to see a psychiatrist. Just a data point for you as you consider your options.

dowd, don't apologise for being depressed on the depression thread, that's crazy! j/k

try sleep meditations, there are lots on youtube. Most of them are bonkers but can still be soothing.

maybe try avoiding benzos, as they can be super-addictive

Take care, dowd. I liked your pithy distinction between types of down. Hope you finally get a decent night's sleep and contacting your psych or GP sounds like a good plan if you have med concerns.

(if you can't get hold of GP/psychiatrist and have urgent med concerns a pharmacist should be able to look the brand names up in the Merck book and look for possible interactions - don't know how exhaustive the book is though and a psych/GP who's aware of your personal history would always be preferable)

dowd you know this is a place you can communicate those feelings and nobody thinks it's nonsense. i've got nothing to add except sincere sympathy and yeah, try and talk to somebody about the meds tomorrow

Please try and get some sleep somehow. Sleep seriously affects my outlook on things. Sleep deprivation will have me not even seeing a glass, much less half empty or half full.

Noodle is right, nobody thinks it is nonsense.

Kind of worried because I'm not in a crying sort of down, but moving more towards the complete nothingness down

Yep, this is what I've been edging toward for the past week

Encouraging/discouraging medication use is probably not the most helpful thing in this thread, but I've got to say benzos are not necessarily the horrible, habit-forming beasts they are often made out to be. I have taken them as-needed for over a year, which, at this point, is less than once/week. I've never come anywhere close to forming an addiction, let alone a physical dependency. It IS possible, but it's not going to just happen overnight. As long as you are aware of your usage & trying to work through your problems in other ways, they can be quite helpful.

but also don't want to go to hospital until breaking bad is over :) just kidding.

― (dowd),

I once walked out of an emergency room I had gone to for psych admission when I remembered Peyton Manning was playing in the Super Bowl the next day. I guess I realized that for the moment there was something I cared about.

It was a long walk home, but a great Super Bowl.

Thanks for concern. As far as benzos go - yeah, can be horrible things but I have lots of experience with them, and use them sparingly. Won't take any at the moment anyway not really the kind of situation I use them. Just wish I had something that coul d use up time. It's just one of those little cosmic jokes - feel bad, and then stop you from beingable to do anything that might take your mindoff it. Haven't even ad a cigarette in a day or so - is that a thing, something to do with seratonin or dopamine or something? I can call my psych or my CPN in an hour or so (I suppose in theory I can call my CPN any time I think, but I don't know.) though untimately you always get that feeling 'well, what can they do anyway?'. Don't like talking to people on the phone, especially when I'm down but what can you do. Gonna try to sleep in the living room with my dog - he can sometimes be sympathetic to my mood shifts, though he's not conducive to sleep in general. He likes to lick my eyelids when I drift off, which is one of the least pleasant sensations in the world. :) Anyway, thanks for the sympathy, I'll be fine - whenever I've felt like this before it's always resolved itself one way or another, it's just no fun while it lasts. And I hope any of you who feel bad feel better.

x-post haha, the first time I was sectioned (would have been 2000, 2001 I guess) the superbowl was on (I'm in the UK so it's on late, but I do loveNFL) and they wouldn't let me watch it. :( I remember one of the nurses had givenme this speech about how it's not like Cuckoo's Nest, and I thought it was exactly like Cuckoo's Nest (just football instead of baseball) - they just hadn't understood the book or the movie. I think she meant it wasn't some directly, overtly violent place, or something. Which is true - worst thing is the boredom and the infantilisation (if that's a word, I can't remember).

Talked to folks. Might be a med problem (new alcohol related meds I'm oncan cause psychosis and stuff) See my psych tomorrow, could have my CPN visit today, but said no. Dunno whether to take my dose tonight or not. Otherwise try to sleep. I guess I feel better than I did while typing that nonsense upthread - don't really remember. Shocked at typos. Okay to take 20mg of diazepam, see it that helps take the edge off.

take care dowd

i am feeling real down myself; it's like a 500 lb weight on my back i can't shake off. i did all my scheduled activities this weekend but it didn't really seem to make any difference - i just wanted to lie down and pretend i was dead, and so i spent a big part of the weekend (when i wasn't doing my scheduled activities) in the fetal position. right now i have that "about to cry" feeling which sucks because i know i'm not going to, i'm just going to carry around the feeling for the whole day without the hope of catharsis

This is going around. I too have felt very similar these past few days. Thought it was sleep deprivation and still could be. I guess. Just want to snap out of it somehow.

i wonder if the interzones between seasons have an unsettling effect on some people? especially if they work in fields with definite seasonal patterns to them? i'm pretty damn sure my moods are seasonally affective.

NV otm

I get allergies at the start of spring and towards the start of fall (it's been happening this week, in fact), and my energy is pretty low during those periods historically. Could be a factor for you guys too. Sorry you are going through this.

my allergies are terrible right now. cat shedding + particulate in the air + other environmental allergens = i'm a mess.

Ooooh yes I have terrible allergies to cats...they can be crippling. So much so that I can't find a place clean enough to live. I guess I ought to seek out new construction from now on... that would be the smart thing. Me and my sickening affection for old homes.

Re: the obsessive thoughts i was talking about upthread, i have an appt to talk to a therapist about it. i've talked to people about it before, but i don't think i've framed it the right way - i've never really detailed that i'm thinking one thought the whole time, a punishing thought, and have just framed it like "i was depressed and couldn't do anything but be sad", idk. i think i've kinda felt like i deserve to punish myself for stuff in that way or something? subconsciously, for the most part.

catching and defining your own negative thoughts can be half the battle with depression and anxiety. that general emptiness or dread usually has a bunch of specific...i'll say "prompts" rather than "causes" because i'm not sure...but making those prompts/causes clear to yourself can be very hard. especially when you just feel low, obv.

Slept for an hour or so. Dillon barked and woke me up. He can only use three legs at the moment and I think he's got the idea barking helps the pathos. Head feels clearer - skipped the med that might be causing the problems. No-one could really tell me whether to skip it or not before seeing my psych tomorrow. Lots of Abbot and Costello style 'should I take my dose?' 'the Dr will tell you whether to stop' 'OK but should I take my dose today?' 'I can't tell you that, the psychiatrist will advise you tomorrow'. Ugh. Still just lying around ruminating on negativity - gonna see if I can concentrate enough to watch the baseball, though that might not help :) Hope everyone who is not feeling good is feeling better - can be a problem with sharing with other people; I start worrying about them and that makes it worse. Or, even worse is a kind of horrible ego-centrism that I can fall into when I'm very low, like my soul is on emergency rations of emotion, and none is getting wasted on anyone else, and then that sensation just adds to your self-loathing. I genuinely do with everyone feels better though, even if I can't communicate it atm. Anyway, baseball is calming, maybe a Pirates will will brighten things up...

And sorry for ugly blocks of text - have to focus hard on spelling and general comprehensibility.

god, watching/listening to baseball really really helps me too.

It's the green, I think. Same as watching snooker.

and the sounds

"The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd"

I only find baseball calming when my team is in the basement.

music really helps fend off my depressive feelings, which is why i listen to so bloody much of it. i think if i weren't depressed i'd be one of those people that only own 12 CDs.

i'm sorry i don't have anything constructive to say at the moment but

I once walked out of an emergency room I had gone to for psych admission when I remembered Peyton Manning was playing in the Super Bowl the next day. I guess I realized that for the moment there was something I cared about.

It was a long walk home, but a great Super Bowl.

yeah that made me lol