Depression and what it's really like

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yeah, I think so, too ... breaking free over the stranglehold they've had on me. i feel like mafia enforcers are after me or something. i'm really not digging the effect this is having on my daily life.

Spectrum, Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:02 (ten years ago) link

on the other hand, I cut myself completely off from my family because of the anxiety from the memories, and that abnormal part of my life has become a new and hard to handle or explain source of stress and anxiety.

I recommend doing as many regular things like going to weddings and Thanksgiving as you can force yourself to do. It gets harder to start back up later. Lay low, fade into the background if you can, but try to show up.

maybe not advice for you, just my take on my life.

Zachary Taylor, Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:11 (ten years ago) link

I hear that. I grew up dead alone, like ... literally completely alone, and I've made it this far. In fact, I've developed myself in the face of being completely alone. So, my family can go screw as far as I'm concerned, it would make utterly no difference in my life if they weren't around, and that's what they've earned out of me.

Spectrum, Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:30 (ten years ago) link

I'm sure they are still pretending to the world that everything about their family is fine and dandy, as normal as milk and cookies.

Aimless, Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:35 (ten years ago) link

Spectrum, I think it would make a huge difference to your life if you'd cut the ties. You have said a lot here about all the damage and hurt they have done to you. Yet you are still within their circle. You say you don't want to go to the wedding, but deep down you know you probably will. Staying connected to them in this way kind of gives you - I won't say excuse, but - a 'reason' to stay angry at them. Staying in touch makes sure you have a channel to put your hurtthrough.

But it also seems like you - blaming your family for all the hurt they caused you, and rightfully so! - are contributing to this being a perpetual thing. You 'need' them to be able to express your hurt and anger towards them.

I'm fully on your side, that goes without saying I hope. What I have read from you here, you are incredibly strong to have made it so far, being the great person you are. I am not saying you need to cut the ties all together, but looking at why you are still I'm touch in the first place - seeing how you, basically, hate these people and how much they hurt you - deserves a closer look maybe.

Would cutting the ties really make you feel better? Or - this may sound perverse, but I don't mean it that way - do you in some way still 'need' them around simply because they are the object of your frustration, hurt and anger?

Xp

In the airplane over the .CSS (Le Bateau Ivre), Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:39 (ten years ago) link

In any case, I wish you all the very best, I hope you know that I'm only trying to help and perhaps offer a different perspective.

In the airplane over the .CSS (Le Bateau Ivre), Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:41 (ten years ago) link

aimless otm about illusions, that's really all it is. some even stroke their ego about "loving their family" even if it's complete horse crap. my dad used it growing up to cover his utter deviance.

thanks LBI. i dunno if I'm using it to channel my frustration and anger. this is all really new to me. in the past i stuck around because i thought i was completely powerless, they used mind games and manipulation, and I still desperately needed their love (being neglected like fuck messes up how you attach to people). this is some dark territory, so I'll leave it at that.

Spectrum, Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:43 (ten years ago) link

Ok man, I understand. Not needing their poisonous love, not being powerless is the best thing ever. In whatever way you can give that shape or form, that is the way forward, always.

In the airplane over the .CSS (Le Bateau Ivre), Thursday, 15 August 2013 22:46 (ten years ago) link

Probably once a week I go down this rabbit hole. And I read depressing literature, such as this: http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/10/people-simply-empty-out.html

Spectrum, I don't pretend to know your situation, but I think I've felt something slightly similar to you, because I always felt very distant from my family. Today something happened which reminded me how distant we are from each other.

In my case, it is dealing with people who don't/didn't exactly act morally or responsibly earlier in my life, and now having to be the bigger person by participating in family events or at least being there for someone because she is in the last years of her life.

It's amazing how even communication fails. Core ideas are misinterpreted. Or at least they don't want to understand, even though I've tried to explain my line of thought. "They would just look at me. I was posing something that they didn't want to enter their minds". Maybe. Not sure. When someone is dying, everyone expects you to forget every single negative action as if it were a light switch. They make you feel self-centred. I do turn myself off a lot, but it is frustrating. Some type of defence mechanism probably. Then they purposely do things to marginalise me.

What aggravates all this is dealing with, what is to all intents and purposes, an adoptive family.

I feel terrible that I feel that being here is a waste of time, even though I believe that "to not to have entirely wasted one's life seems to be a worthy accomplishment, if only for myself".

I'm not sure I want to see the end of this, though.

c21m50nh3x460n, Friday, 16 August 2013 05:31 (ten years ago) link

so sick of ppl that i have ostensible BUSINESS with not returning my e-mail. you've already told me you want to work with me on this project; why are you going radio silent now and ignoring my polite follow-up?

really depressed about this today. i just want to get things done and people are wasting my time.

freelance helgenberger (get bent), Wednesday, 21 August 2013 21:34 (ten years ago) link

i havent posted on this thread in forever but *catches up* i'm going to be using the GRAPES anagram, for real. i'm having a lot of trouble doing anything and just punishing myself for not doing anything. my BF's still constantly out of town taking care of his dad, and it's really taxing for him for 1000 reasons. being by myself all the time, i just get worried thinking about what he's experiencing, and then get depressed, and then fall into weird negative thought patterns - sometimes I really can't stop myself from thinking one really terrible, brief image over and over - it's like my mind constructs the worst possible thing for me to see and presents it over and over and over. the slowly building pressure to think to anything else and the inability to do so creates pressure in my chest. i know that unwanted negative thoughts are a stress symptoms, but i'm just stressing mySELF out because i just lack motivation to accomplish tasks, because depression, and intrusive thoughts. ugh. i really didn't mean to post this long, i was just gonna be like hey GRAPES!

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 22 August 2013 01:48 (ten years ago) link

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 22 August 2013 01:50 (ten years ago) link

ha, I am doing the GRAPES thing too, and yesterday "gentle" = laundering a load of bras

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Thursday, 22 August 2013 01:58 (ten years ago) link

did you use gentle cycle?!

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 22 August 2013 02:00 (ten years ago) link

yay GRAPES!

the late great, Thursday, 22 August 2013 02:01 (ten years ago) link

xp - I did! And gentle organic laundry soap!

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Thursday, 22 August 2013 02:01 (ten years ago) link

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, August 22, 2013 1:50 AM (11 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

could this be...............1 hastings

there are more than 3.5 HOOS per steen (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Thursday, 22 August 2013 13:50 (ten years ago) link

oui

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 22 August 2013 13:57 (ten years ago) link

<3

there are more than 3.5 HOOS per steen (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Thursday, 22 August 2013 14:09 (ten years ago) link

is that who i hope it is.

estela, Thursday, 22 August 2013 14:21 (ten years ago) link

si.

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 22 August 2013 14:23 (ten years ago) link

<3

estela, Thursday, 22 August 2013 14:25 (ten years ago) link

I still don't totally get all the grapes categories.

emilys., Thursday, 22 August 2013 23:38 (ten years ago) link

like what?

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 00:04 (ten years ago) link

mind, welch's sparkling white, ???

j., Friday, 23 August 2013 00:19 (ten years ago) link

what is GRAPES???

crüt, Friday, 23 August 2013 00:22 (ten years ago) link

oh wait nm, I ctrl+f'd.

crüt, Friday, 23 August 2013 00:23 (ten years ago) link

http://cdn3.faniq.com/images/polls/large/235532-1.jpg

mookieproof, Friday, 23 August 2013 00:25 (ten years ago) link

today out of grapes i did: GAPS

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Friday, 23 August 2013 01:13 (ten years ago) link

i did A and sort of E but not really

can petting my cat be G or R or P? i guess i don't really get G

mookieproof, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:21 (ten years ago) link

GAPS is pretty good! that's like an extra A all by itself

mookieproof, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:22 (ten years ago) link

I interpret G as "good for you" in a low key way? I think late great explained it better upthread

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Friday, 23 August 2013 01:23 (ten years ago) link

g means do something to reward yourself for being a good person (since we depressed people tend to punish ourselves)

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:47 (ten years ago) link

petting cat i would guess is R

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:48 (ten years ago) link

P is like a hobby

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:48 (ten years ago) link

of course there's lots of overlap

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 01:49 (ten years ago) link

could P also = sex?

not some dude poking a Line 6 pedal with his dick (sarahell), Friday, 23 August 2013 01:50 (ten years ago) link

p is indulging yourself for sure

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Friday, 23 August 2013 01:51 (ten years ago) link

sex, or gross food

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Friday, 23 August 2013 01:51 (ten years ago) link

sex could also be exercise + social!

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 02:08 (ten years ago) link

schedule six different things to do in a weekend seems... lofty

Nhex, Friday, 23 August 2013 02:48 (ten years ago) link

every day!

the late great, Friday, 23 August 2013 02:55 (ten years ago) link

i was not familiar with GRAPES but i am stealing that

well if it isn't old 11 cameras simon (gbx), Friday, 23 August 2013 03:00 (ten years ago) link

yeah me too, sounds effective.

Van Horn Street, Friday, 23 August 2013 03:01 (ten years ago) link

Looked up GRAPES too. Saved it.

Elvis Telecom, Friday, 23 August 2013 03:47 (ten years ago) link

I just don't like how the categories are not discrete.

emilys., Monday, 26 August 2013 02:19 (ten years ago) link

Is there a disorder in which someone basically needs something to take up 90% of their thoughts, like if they don't latch onto a weird fantasy world or mundane work-related obsession they end up just ruminating 100% of the time (even in dreams) on something terrible, embarrassing, otherwise painful? Is that just depression?

1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, 5 September 2013 23:36 (ten years ago) link

Sounds more like anxiety. You might not feel anxious emotionally, if it's a gen. anxiety disorder. Also possible OCD, but it's not one you can/ should try to self-diagnose. Is it causing problems?

you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Thursday, 5 September 2013 23:58 (ten years ago) link

that sounds a lot like how my friend with OCD describes his particular brand of OCD, but again, self-dx or dx-by-internet is inadvisable. If your intrusive thoughts are causing problems or being disruptive to your life, definitely worth talking to your doctor or getting an appointment with a shrink.

i too went to college (silby), Friday, 6 September 2013 02:18 (ten years ago) link

i've got that going on roxy. if i didn't have a grab bag of shit i'm dealing with i'd love to name it, but being this far on my "life journey" i've found that it relates to actual, brain-tangible things that have to be dealt with, and oftentimes it has almost nothing to do with what i'm worrying about! bouncing off silby's post, if it's causing a problem in your life then working with a therapist can give you an opportunity to dig into it.

Spectrum, Friday, 6 September 2013 02:24 (ten years ago) link


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