Depression and what it's really like

yeah i know sometimes when i'm feeling down, my wife will get a stern look and gesture to the TV and ask, "how can you act like this when pinkman's going through so much right now?"

who will tweet a link to various studies, adding 'science, bitch'

think my depression's flaring up pretty badly today. saturday is my brother's wedding. i really do not want to go ... my brother's twisted and cruel w/ me, and doesn't really care about me, and my whole fucked up family's going to be there. the family that taught me i'm a worthless piece of garbage and so lovingly treat me like they're entitled to take their shit out on. these lovely and wonderful people.

i feel like they're hunting me down now ... get about 5 calls a day from everyone wondering where i've gone. these people have never been in my life nor ever really cared about me, but it's ESSENTIAL! to project that we're such a happy and well-functioning family. frankly i think they can all go fuck themselves, but this situation makes me want to blow my brains out. hurrghhh.

don't do that

yeah, i'm not gonna, but this blows. there's really no way to win here.

What happens if you don't go?

make an appearance, dash early

xp i'll probably get a hundred emails calling me an asshole. worst case scenario some people will show up at my apartment. this family definitely has a "nobody gets out alive" mentality ... and, strangely enough, they're all abjectly miserable and their kids are getting fucked up, too. what a bunch of fools.

whatever. i need some air or something!

i'm in the wedding party so I think there's some important role for me. i have no idea what's going on or what i'm supposed to do. my car can't even make it up to where the thing even is. i'll figure out something.

try not to think about it too much - even if you can't get out of it, hopefully it won't last too long

Not having transport there seems like a good way out

I think you should skip it. Blowing off this wedding, risking your family's anger and disapproval, seems like it would be empowering as your family has been a major source of your struggles.

yeah, I think so, too ... breaking free over the stranglehold they've had on me. i feel like mafia enforcers are after me or something. i'm really not digging the effect this is having on my daily life.

on the other hand, I cut myself completely off from my family because of the anxiety from the memories, and that abnormal part of my life has become a new and hard to handle or explain source of stress and anxiety.

I recommend doing as many regular things like going to weddings and Thanksgiving as you can force yourself to do. It gets harder to start back up later. Lay low, fade into the background if you can, but try to show up.

maybe not advice for you, just my take on my life.

I hear that. I grew up dead alone, like ... literally completely alone, and I've made it this far. In fact, I've developed myself in the face of being completely alone. So, my family can go screw as far as I'm concerned, it would make utterly no difference in my life if they weren't around, and that's what they've earned out of me.

I'm sure they are still pretending to the world that everything about their family is fine and dandy, as normal as milk and cookies.

Spectrum, I think it would make a huge difference to your life if you'd cut the ties. You have said a lot here about all the damage and hurt they have done to you. Yet you are still within their circle. You say you don't want to go to the wedding, but deep down you know you probably will. Staying connected to them in this way kind of gives you - I won't say excuse, but - a 'reason' to stay angry at them. Staying in touch makes sure you have a channel to put your hurtthrough.

But it also seems like you - blaming your family for all the hurt they caused you, and rightfully so! - are contributing to this being a perpetual thing. You 'need' them to be able to express your hurt and anger towards them.

I'm fully on your side, that goes without saying I hope. What I have read from you here, you are incredibly strong to have made it so far, being the great person you are. I am not saying you need to cut the ties all together, but looking at why you are still I'm touch in the first place - seeing how you, basically, hate these people and how much they hurt you - deserves a closer look maybe.

Would cutting the ties really make you feel better? Or - this may sound perverse, but I don't mean it that way - do you in some way still 'need' them around simply because they are the object of your frustration, hurt and anger?

Xp

In any case, I wish you all the very best, I hope you know that I'm only trying to help and perhaps offer a different perspective.

aimless otm about illusions, that's really all it is. some even stroke their ego about "loving their family" even if it's complete horse crap. my dad used it growing up to cover his utter deviance.

thanks LBI. i dunno if I'm using it to channel my frustration and anger. this is all really new to me. in the past i stuck around because i thought i was completely powerless, they used mind games and manipulation, and I still desperately needed their love (being neglected like fuck messes up how you attach to people). this is some dark territory, so I'll leave it at that.

Ok man, I understand. Not needing their poisonous love, not being powerless is the best thing ever. In whatever way you can give that shape or form, that is the way forward, always.

Probably once a week I go down this rabbit hole. And I read depressing literature, such as this: http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/10/people-simply-empty-out.html

Spectrum, I don't pretend to know your situation, but I think I've felt something slightly similar to you, because I always felt very distant from my family. Today something happened which reminded me how distant we are from each other.

In my case, it is dealing with people who don't/didn't exactly act morally or responsibly earlier in my life, and now having to be the bigger person by participating in family events or at least being there for someone because she is in the last years of her life.

It's amazing how even communication fails. Core ideas are misinterpreted. Or at least they don't want to understand, even though I've tried to explain my line of thought. "They would just look at me. I was posing something that they didn't want to enter their minds". Maybe. Not sure. When someone is dying, everyone expects you to forget every single negative action as if it were a light switch. They make you feel self-centred. I do turn myself off a lot, but it is frustrating. Some type of defence mechanism probably. Then they purposely do things to marginalise me.

What aggravates all this is dealing with, what is to all intents and purposes, an adoptive family.

I feel terrible that I feel that being here is a waste of time, even though I believe that "to not to have entirely wasted one's life seems to be a worthy accomplishment, if only for myself".

I'm not sure I want to see the end of this, though.

so sick of ppl that i have ostensible BUSINESS with not returning my e-mail. you've already told me you want to work with me on this project; why are you going radio silent now and ignoring my polite follow-up?

really depressed about this today. i just want to get things done and people are wasting my time.

i havent posted on this thread in forever but *catches up* i'm going to be using the GRAPES anagram, for real. i'm having a lot of trouble doing anything and just punishing myself for not doing anything. my BF's still constantly out of town taking care of his dad, and it's really taxing for him for 1000 reasons. being by myself all the time, i just get worried thinking about what he's experiencing, and then get depressed, and then fall into weird negative thought patterns - sometimes I really can't stop myself from thinking one really terrible, brief image over and over - it's like my mind constructs the worst possible thing for me to see and presents it over and over and over. the slowly building pressure to think to anything else and the inability to do so creates pressure in my chest. i know that unwanted negative thoughts are a stress symptoms, but i'm just stressing mySELF out because i just lack motivation to accomplish tasks, because depression, and intrusive thoughts. ugh. i really didn't mean to post this long, i was just gonna be like hey GRAPES!

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

ha, I am doing the GRAPES thing too, and yesterday "gentle" = laundering a load of bras

did you use gentle cycle?!

yay GRAPES!

xp - I did! And gentle organic laundry soap!

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, August 22, 2013 1:50 AM (11 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

could this be...............1 hastings

oui

<3

is that who i hope it is.

si.

<3

I still don't totally get all the grapes categories.

like what?

mind, welch's sparkling white, ???

what is GRAPES???

oh wait nm, I ctrl+f'd.

http://cdn3.faniq.com/images/polls/large/235532-1.jpg

today out of grapes i did: GAPS

i did A and sort of E but not really

can petting my cat be G or R or P? i guess i don't really get G

GAPS is pretty good! that's like an extra A all by itself

I interpret G as "good for you" in a low key way? I think late great explained it better upthread

g means do something to reward yourself for being a good person (since we depressed people tend to punish ourselves)

petting cat i would guess is R

P is like a hobby

of course there's lots of overlap

could P also = sex?

p is indulging yourself for sure