Best and worst album reviews on Allmusic

I never pay a great deal of attention to reviews but THIS

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:3zfoxqw5ld6e

is unforgivable!!!! totally fucking unforgivable one star you have to be kidding me. who is this dude? some kind of suit, I imagine. some starched shirt mummy's boy with a cellphone clip or something, someone who carries their own fucking handwipes.

http://www.abcsofstrings.com/dcleary/images/dcleary.gif

"ah, fuck yew"

The Man can't stop our music!

I am definitely getting Like Flies on Sherbet after that review. Can't wait.

that's so funny, i kind of new you were talking about this review. it makes me laugh every time.
<3 this record. original peabody pressing copy up on ebay right now.

Holy shit, that Simple Minds review...

Oh how I wish they still had Stephen Thomas Erlewine's original one-and-a-half star review of Coldplay's Parachutes.

And the "they would get nastier, but they would never again be this nasty" review of Get Yer Ya-Yas Out.

And the "In other words, this band really gets down!" review of John Scofield's A Go Go.

Man when Thom Jurek goes in on a record he likes he goes in.

I enjoy reading him even when I think he's completely wrong, which I guess is the cliche thing to say about good critics? I've just never really had that experience before.

Does he go balls deep?

Balls!!

It's all part of the plan. I think.

This was prompted, btw, by reading his rhapsodic review of Wolves in the Throne Room's Two Hunters.

So, I'll preface that I really like Allmusic a lot, but sometimes when I read death metal reviews I get the idea that they're not always listened to by experts of the genre. Like, even if an opinion is different than mine, I can tell someone who is really studied in the genre and someone who isn't. Which brings me to this LOL-review of Immolation's Unholy Cult:

Immolation sounds like an opening band.

Had no idea "opening band" was a sound. Are there "openingbandcore" bands too?

If you go to a death metal show and endure three to five bands, Immolation might be the second or third band on the bill.

Wtf. This is ridic. The band had been around 20 years, and headlined several tours, both European and USA when this album came out -- in 1999, they headlined a show I attended. They're HEADLINING DEATHFEST 2010 NOW! The writer makes them sound like some mediocre struggling up and coming act that are lucky to have a record deal, rather than someone who has been on Roadrunner and Metal Blade! Not to mention what obscene amounts of money people were paying for "Dawn of Posession" on ebay after it went OOP.

Also, note the word sardonic use of the word "endure" as if watching death metal is a chore - furthering my belief that he isn't even a fan of the genre.

They've toured with some heavy hitters like Cannibal Corpse and Six Feet Under, but on their fifth album, Unholy Cult, they do nothing to raise themselves higher on the death metal totem pole.

This is a matter of opinion, but this is one of Immolation's more solid efforts, and it is not 'generic' by any means as the writer implies. Other than a few nods to Incantation (mostly the 'squeals'), Immolation have their own exotic sound that can easily be placed, and this album definitely 'differentiated' themselves from the pack, which is why it wound up on so many people's best of lists that year.

Ross Dolan's vocals are fine, but are not any more monstrous than your average death metal growler.

Lol. Whatever.

Musically, Immolation's songs have a sort of flat, relentless feel to them

Isn't being 'relentless' the point of a genre called "death metal"?

and, like Slayer, the leads seem tacked on in the middle of a song for no particular reason.

This is a far reaching comparison, not to mention that it isn't true. And if you were going to make that comparison, why focus on solely Slayer, since 'needless solos" are a staple of the genre.

The cover art for Unholy Cult is scary, but the music inside could be a little more evil.

Lol did an 11 year old write that last sentence for a book report?

this as today's banner ad is kinda killin me

http://bannerfarm.ace.advertising.com/CDN/134766/4.JPG

lol

who is this dude? some kind of suit, I imagine. some starched shirt mummy's boy with a cellphone clip or something, someone who carries their own fucking handwipes.

Just realised this was the same dude who did the awful review of the Bonzos "Keynsham", which has bugged me for years. Fuck that guy!

Marc Ribot: "the most soulful white alive"

http://allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:hcftxqljldfe

Thom Jurek is one of my favourite music writers ever.

When attempting to describe what Keiji Haino does to a guitar, the verb "play" seems terribly insufficient. Mauling might be a more appropriate choice, maybe even destroying. Whatever, whether it is as a solo performer or leading his tremendous trio Fushitsusha, Haino has been leading the loud, free form, noise-loaded, jazz/rock guitar movement in Japan for nearly three decades, starting with seminal noise-jazz/rockers Lost Aaraaff in 1971. He remains a virtual unknown, even among the music connoisseurs in his own country (I once asked a group of Japanese students, all of whom admitted to being eclectic music fans, about him, not one had heard of him)

lol

Tangerine Dream - Atem

Review by Jim Brenholts
Atem is more melodic and less dissonant than Tangerine Dream's other early works. The lineup of Edgar Froese, Christopher Franke, and Steve Schroyder puts a nice topspin on the old prog rock sound. They take it to the edge -- as in cutting -- and beyond. While it is still very common to see TD listed as progressive rock and art rock, this album is pure space music. It goes beyond the confines of rock & roll.

They take it to the edge -- as in cutting -- and beyond.

loooooooooool

what's yr point? i have been known to take it to the edge -- as in cutting -- and beyond.

don't forget about beyond

by Alex Henderson
The release of DJ Quik's debut album, Quik Is the Name, in 1991 begged the question: does rap really need yet another gangsta rapper? Indeed, by that time, rap had become saturated with numerous soundalike gangsta rappers — most of whom weren't even a fraction as interesting as such pioneers of the style as Ice-T, N.W.A, and Schoolly D. Nonetheless, rapper/producer Quik turned out to be more noteworthy than most of the gangsta rappers who debuted that year. Lyrically, the former gang member (who grew up in the same L.A. ghetto as N.W.A, Compton) doesn't provide any major insights. His sex/malt liquor/gang-banging imagery was hardly groundbreaking in 1991. But his hooks, beats, and grooves (many of which owe a debt to '70s soul and funk) are likeable enough.

think, that's bad, check out Rhythm-al-ism

unnecessary, comma

"sex/malt-liquor/gang-banging" sounds really fun tbh

"Jeffrey Lee Pierce and his band are literally on fire"

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:jiftxqu5ldde

I admit for a sec I was all "Jesus I hope that wasn't one of my Gun Club reviews."

You would have had to literally kill yourself.

That would sting.

Their spooky version of an already creepy tune by Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Run Through the Jungle" runs the gamut from sexual nightmare to voodoo ritual gone awry.

that's some gamut it runs

The same guy reviewed Fire of Love. http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:hiftxqu5ldde

The songs become rock & roll ciphers, erasing themselves as soon as they speak, heading off into the whirlwind of a storm that is so big, so black, and so awful one cannot meditate on anything but its power.

There is not one part of that sentence that makes sense.

for real

Instantly self-nullifying rock actually sounds pretty cool, if not impossible to listen to.

http://www.allmusic.com/album/no-more-drama-r547059

Classic example of someone misreading an anti-piracy ident as a stylistic quirk.

This very well may be the first time such a tactic has been used in contemporary music; generally a vocal sample repeats throughout the course of only one song, but because the fare on No More Drama is so good, this recurring vocal sample is as subtle and congruent as a consistent drum hit.

Haha reminiscent of Richard Williams's review of John & Yoko's Wedding Album

:D

by Dean Carlson

Shrill and freaky. Anarchic and a bit oompah-oompah. Almost unanimously loathed. Perhaps what you'd expect if you raised small orphans solely on prog-rock records scratched into the higher channels of Megadeth's Killing Is My Business... And Business Is Good! while they formed a union to demand to go catch the latest Dexy's Midnight Runners tour. Cardiacs' first studio album is one for the amnesiacs of the world. It leaps about, chews on its own rhythms -- like "In a City Lining," often 43 times within the same song -- eschewing choruses as if conventional songwriting caused cancer. It's reckless, difficult music that still retains a sense of celebration. The equivalent of a top-secret document with the best bits blacked out.

by Dean Carlson

The Cardiacs didn't make it easy to like their second album, too happy to let their whirligig of shattered atonal pop come apart at its seams. The band's technique for hoisting a radical thrill out of audience discomfort was pushed to extremes ("Fast Robert," "Baby Heart Dirt") and it suddenly felt forced and phony, like a poor Dadaist trying to make do in a world of Starter jackets and Technotronic. Great for those who liked staticy hip-hop, piercing keyboards, Long Ranger harmonicas, and the sound of a tape deck being clicked off, less so for those who didn't.

never fucking forgive

That Blige review is amazing!

The release of DJ Quik's debut album, Quik Is the Name, in 1991 begged the question: does rap really need yet another gangsta rapper? Indeed, by that time, rap had become saturated with numerous soundalike gangsta rappers -- most of whom weren't even a fraction as interesting as such pioneers of the style as Ice-T, N.W.A, and Schoolly D. Nonetheless, rapper/producer Quik turned out to be more noteworthy than most of the gangsta rappers who debuted that year. Lyrically, the former gang member (who grew up in the same L.A. ghetto as N.W.A, Compton) doesn't provide any major insights. His sex/malt liquor/gang-banging imagery was hardly groundbreaking in 1991. But his hooks, beats, and grooves (many of which owe a debt to '70s soul and funk) are likeable enough.

wait a sec, lol. h/t to kk.

The Eugene Chadbourne mention up thread had me remembering this jem f/ a review of Waylon Jennings' Hangin' On:

"Sticking to totally musical criteria, the best tracks on this collection are so good that dismissing the gunky ones is easy. There are other criteria for rating a Waylon Jennings album but, however one looks at it, Hangin' On is one of this country artist's very special productions. Some might see distinction in the fact that the brief liner notes are written by none other than the wonderful singer Skeeter Davis. Others may treasure this particular album because it really looks like ol' Waylon is lighting up a joint on the front cover. Then, there is the ultimate criterion for judging the value of an album not only by Jennings, but by some of his associates such as Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and Willie Nelson, at least in the eyes of a used record store buyer from North Carolina: "If they's wearin' beards, I don't want it. If they's shaven, then ah'm interested." While many publications use some sort of star system for rating records, it appears a system based on lack of beards is really the key with some types of country music."...

(This beard criteria makes perfect sense, particularly when applied to Jennings...)

Still my favorite after all these years:
http://www.allmusic.com/album/telephone-mw0000187960

hahaha wow

It makes no sense to discuss 200 KM/H in the Wrong Lane, the first album by Russian dance-pop duo Tatu, without focusing on the gimmick, since that gimmick is the band. And the gimmick, of course, is that the girls are teenage lesbians who sing songs with suggestive titles like "Not Gonna Get Us," "Show Me Love," and "All the Things She Said," while covering that perennial anthem of tortured unrequited love and lust, the Smiths' "How Soon Is Now?". It's heavy Europop, often helmed by Trevor Horn, and sung by two cute girls. (two stars)

Suggestive titles? Nudge nudge, wink wink "Not Gonna Get Us", say no more, etc

Allmisogyny

I always thought this Black Devil Disco Club review was quite bad.

http://www.allmusic.com/album/28-after-mw0000573787

lydia lunch, queen of siam

AllMusic Review by John Dougan
Her laconic slur of a voice has never sounded sexier, and her off-key rendition of "Spooky" is so lazily erotic that it nearly sucks the life out of you. A putrid classic of style and substance.