Depression and what it's really like

give your kitty a hug, get bent--it'll get better!

yeah I haven't been since free counseling in college

after an apocalyptic breakup in summer '10 i went and saw a dude precisely 3 times--when i showed up for my fourth appointment all the lights in his office were on, the door was open, but he wasn't there. i didn't go back. in retrospect that was very strange and i probably should have been worried about the disappeared guy, but i was pretty solipsistic at the time and mainly concerned with 'well fuck that guy, i don't need therapy anyways.'

(before that guy i hadn't been since free counseling in college, is what i meant)

So fucking tired of feeling like I'm alone in the world.

well you are and you arent

i spent my weekend pretty much by myself except for work and a dinner with my parents. i was pretty darn lonely. but i skipped a work party and avoided calling at least three friends who i owed a call to. why? because depression. my fault.

Depression isn't yr fault. Call one of your friends this evening.

heh, "friends"

no friends?

i have quite a few "acquaintances" i would call them, but literally no one that i would feel at a level of friendship where a) i'd be comfortable talking to them about what's going on and b) would care to listen to me

Sometimes you gotta try, and just talk to a person. I know it's not easy, but sometimes it's what you gotta do.

seriously, jon, I totally felt like you do about 5 years ago, I had a partner and my parents, and that was it -- at least that's how I perceived it. I don't completely remember exactly how I went from that sense of solitariness to having a decent support network of friends, but "talking to a person" like LL says, was definitely part of it.

well, let me be straight here. i do have a "person to talk to". i mean, i've been in therapy for many years now and i've got that outlet once a week (most times). its just the in-between periods that are a struggle for me right now. it'd just be nice to have someone to call up even if it was all like, "fuck this week is rough, I need to get away" and hang out, not even complain to. it's just, man, i'm good at meeting acquiantances but for whatever reason i can't make the leap to "friends". and, actually, part of the problem right now is feeling i DON'T have my parents either.

a therapist is different from a friend though! And it seems like, from other things you've posted in the past year or so, that having friends to talk to/go to shows with/etc. would be helpful.

how do you make new friends when you're 30 and living in the suburbs? i'm grappling with this mystery right now.

are there interesting or fun things to do in your suburbs? if not, go to the city and meet people there.

yeah, it's not easy. i met a couple decent guys that i really got along well with on a multiple of levels, but one was relocated to Connecticut for work and the other totally disappeared when his second kid was born.

yahoo groups

meetup

i'm probably just going to move back to the city, where i live it's mostly families, old people, and college kids. 99% of the stuff I like to do is centered in NYC anyway.

funny, I looked at the local meetup groups and they were filled with ... wives, old people, and a smattering of college kids.

here meetup seems to be a bunch of socially awkward tech bros

yeah, I wanted to say that but I was leaning towards politeness

... not that was impolite or anything! i was gonna say "aspie lookin dudes"

i mean, some of the socially awkward tech bros could become yr friends - the gist of it is that they also seem to have issues w/r/t making friends

yeah, i hear you, but I don't want to get together with any random-ass person just cuz I'm lonely. that's been bad policy ime. i'm prob just gonna move back to the city, i had a much easier time meeting people out there.

that sounds like the best thing for you tbh

i'm probably getting a little ahead of myself anyway, i still need to resolve some of this depression/brainwashing shit I've got going on. that's what aborted my budding city social life the first time 'round. fun times!

how do you make new friends when you're 30 and living in the suburbs? i'm grappling with this mystery right now.

― Spectrum, Monday, August 12, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I'm thinking of taking a class somewhere. That has been the best I can think of. It also depends what city you live in and your interests.

I'm thinking of taking a class somewhere. That has been the best I can think of.

this has worked well for me. classes that involve a lot of personal interaction are best, creative writing, that kind of thing.

ah i get it, you're lonely but not lonely enough to hang out w LOOSERS

yeah, i hear you, but I don't want to get together with any random-ass person just cuz I'm lonely. that's been bad policy ime. i'm prob just gonna move back to the city, i had a much easier time meeting people out there.

― Spectrum, Monday, 12 August 2013 19:57 (2 hours ago) Permalink

Incidentally, I was on my way to downtown Los Angeles last week and had KCRW/NPR on. And one lady was talking about how suburbs will most likely continue to urbanize. I see some of that currently, for sure, but my impression is that it's still not quite the same. Generally, the culture of the suburbs seems to be different. It's like they take longer to accept certain cultural phenomena. I don't know, though, it's not a subject I read up on.

Why not a meetup group about something you're interested in and see if there aren't lots of people also interested who just haven't come out of the woodwork?

p.s. are american suburbs usually devoid of bars/resource centers/venues? the british ones i'm used to are more like their own small towns

*start

haha late great, that came out pretty bad. it's not really about tech geeks as much as an overall reluctance to socialize at all. i need to give this time.

p.s. are american suburbs usually devoid of bars/resource centers/venues? the british ones i'm used to are more like their own small towns

american suburbs have chain sports bars in strip malls

be sure to designate a driver

I have really struck out at the events and classes I've tried to check out. I was the youngest person in the group by a good 30 years at the last creative writing group I tried to join. Like I don't know if its a Chicago thing or what, but if you aren't single and looking to hook up or into sports or running, there just aren't a lot of good groups out there for people my age. Everything seems to be aimed at singles or athletes, it's annoying.

p.s. are american suburbs usually devoid of bars/resource centers/venues? the british ones i'm used to are more like their own small towns

― cardamon, Monday, August 12, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I've heard Los Angeles suburbs are slightly different in that they have a bit more variety (it's what travelled Americans have told me), but it's all basically chain stores and 'bigbox' retail shops. The suburban mall is quite possibly the most horrible thing to have ever been created, though.

With regard to resource centres and venues, there are community centres, but at least the one in my town is very small, limited (hours/classes [if at all]/equipment), and is probably a year or two behind others in Los Angeles 'proper'. A lot of it has to do with the size of your town, it seems. I think a city like Pasadena, which in my eyes is a suburb, would have more options. In fact, my city is adjacent to Pasadena, and I usually go there for everything.

Then again, some parts of Hollywood feel like a suburb, but, it's not, apparently. But it was considered one 100 years ago. Then at some point it was urbanised...somehow? Yet Santa Monica is a suburb, but it doesn't really feel like it. Both have this urbanity that the commentator on that NPR show I was talking about earlier mentioned. It's a different dynamic/place. It's an interesting country.

I still can't tell apart neighbourhoods vs. cities (Los Feliz isn't a city, but a neighbourhood, e.g.). I've learnt that everything is very complex down here, which makes for interesting conversation. Most cities seem to have two sides to them...?

I live in New England and am supposed to sneer at LA, yet find it wildly lovable.

haha late great, that came out pretty bad. it's not really about tech geeks as much as an overall reluctance to socialize at all. i need to give this time.

no i hear you, i've never done a meetup or yahoo group either even though people keep pushing it at me

also i suck at socializing too

I live in New England and am supposed to sneer at LA, yet find it wildly lovable.

― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Monday, August 12, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

We should do a house swap then.

I have complicated feelings toward Boston, but I'd say our relationship has been on the mend of late.

i like l.a. as a place, i just hate the people. if that makes sense.

I have spent one night of my life in LA and the ppl I met we're hilarious. One dude described the la lifestyle as "you wake up, smoke weed, get in your car, smoke weed, and drive to someone's house where they are smoking weed."

yeah but they're chronically late, obsessed with how they can earn social capital*, and passive-aggressive.,

*read: how they can ditch you for a better offer, networking opportunity, audition, etc.

east coasters can be like that too

at least new yorkers are more direct about how they hate you/are screwing you over.

i've found LA folk to be unusually and at times almost jarringly open in sharing deep parts of themselves quite readily even upon slight acquaintance. i don't know how widely held that impression is, but from it i've concluded that the cliche about angelenos being superficial is only half-true: it’s not that they have no depth or inner life and live only on the cosmetic plane; it’s that their inner life is so readily accessible at the surface.

LA is...interesting. I definitely needed to get used to it, which I still haven't fully. In fact, I can't get used to a lot of stuff here. I wouldn't like to live here, unless I lived in Santa Monica or somewhere comparable or around that area. Even Mar Vista would be okay, but it doesn't seem like a place I would stay for a long time. Even Santa Monica and thereabouts...it's just a different dynamic here.

And yes...in my humble opinion, the whole 'social capital' thing is disgusting. The superficiality is hard to stomach a lot of times. I've met so many con artists and people who are so into themselves and are blatant liars, yet they still pretend to be this important person or someone who they really aren't. I actually have to work with one, which is sad to confess.

I kind of understand the networking opportunities thing, because it's such a dog eat dog city, and to live a decent life here is so expensive.

But the, albeit few, artists I've met here are unbearable. It's such a wacky place. Everyone is so into themselves and, the stereotype seems to be right, there are very few interesting people here. And the guys here are so aggressive, but I think Vancouverites are known for being very passive. When I first moved here, everyone thought I was gay, which I'm not, but I also really don't care. It was just kind of...bizarre. I guess it depends on your social circle, though.