Depression and what it's really like

thanks man, it's good to know i'm not the only person who has to do this shit. it's been hard cutting them off because my parents are intelligent people, particularly my mom. she got into college when she was 14, she's definitely top of the tops in the IQ department. and she uses her intelligence to manipulate and hurt people. there's a precision and effectiveness to it where it's like she knows what she's doing. yet feels no guilt or remorse about it.

whenever I tried to break away she used my deepest memories and fears to drag me back in, plus all the damned pretexting she did to me growing up to control me. she designed me to use at her own pleasure. my mind, my identity, all constructed for her use. WTF!!!!

all that counts is that i'm not like them. if we care about this, then we can overcome it, because that's what makes us different.

xp yes, that's the kind-of shit i struggle with, too. like keeping a relationship alive in your mind, with proper boundaries and as a two-way street. the neediness is some of the worst of it, that's what i'm on now... finding that healthy balance between self and other. it's tough.

sorry if i'm blathering on about my own personal shit in detail, this is all new to me and it's just forming now and i have this impulse to just say something about it. :S

i think you should try to be careful about what you share with the internet, but i do wish you the best of luck recovering from the emotional trauma of your childhood.
maybe a support group irl would be useful?

Or maybe 77 is the better place for these discussions... I definitely feel for everyone here and see how sharing this stuff, talking it out, is super useful, but at the same time I am kind of nervous that someone is going to regret something

you're right la lechera, i definitely overshare way too much, and that's gotten me into trouble before. a support group's probably a better idea than letting it all out on a public forum. :{

i didn't say you overshared. i am saying that you could benefit from sharing with people who have had similar experiences and that might be more valuable to you than asking "has anyone ever felt like this" to such fundamental questions of existence here on this feeble little thread. if you're feeling that estranged from humanity -- it's a little over our heads, yknow?

not that people don't have valuable advice, of course, but considering the weight of what you're talking about i think taking it to a more formal therapeutic environment might be a good idea.

yeah, this is pretty heavy stuff, it's been hard to see that because all this crap lives below awareness... that's why i come here thinking it's just depression. think i'll have to take it more seriously from here on out.

this is probably a ridiculous question, but why do people like each other? like, why would a person like or accept another person? what makes somebody a "valid" human being?

i cannot fathom a single reason why i belong to the human race. as in, why i'm acceptable enough to even be acknowledged in someone's mind. it's mystifying. i feel like i'm slipping on thin ice when it comes to being shunned by humanity, and I have zero idea why or how somebody could accept me being a person. or even like me! anyone else ever feel this way?

you're not the only person to have felt this or asked themselves these questions. i don't have any answers to them either, but i guess the "answers" to these questions can't be communicated via simple words, if they exist. i suspect that these feelings are part of the deep end of depression, but the questions and the feelings seem real and reasonable enough - sometimes, maybe. La Lech is right in saying it's not likely that anybody here can help you resolve these questions - even well-meaning people have a habit of resorting to pat answers or extrapolating from their own experience but like i said, these aren't questions to be answered like a quiz?

but i wanted to say you're not alone out there, i've felt - am feeling - the same level of alienation from my species, from life. i hope it helps to know that you're not alone. i hope you get proper help to resolve these feelings in a way that's meaningful and liveable for you.

oh and just maybe it's related to that feeling when you repeat a word too much or stare at something for too long and it loses its signification for a moment - you stare too long at yourself and the same thing might happen

<3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semantic_satiation

Noodle otfm about the semantic satiation effect of depression, which too often turns our gaze inward.

that's a good point, maybe obsessing about it all is making it lose meaning. these are things you experience, I guess you can't crack 'em like a complex problem.

collardio gelatinous otm way upthread

whatever reason it is that makes you accept others = the reason why you are an acceptable person

give yourself the benefit of the doubt you give others

busyness seems like another kind of escapism.

― Treeship, Tuesday, July 23, 2013 1:23 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

from?

― markers, Tuesday, July 23, 2013 1:23 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dealing with the things that are really important to you. being satisfied with your life as it is.

― Treeship, Tuesday, July 23, 2013 1:24 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i know i'm a little behind on this, but i firmly find this otm

i overschedule myself so i don't have time to listen to the demon dogs

you could also look at it as: not being busy creates the demon dogs

like a level of sustainable busyness is what keeps the seratonin flowing? idk

As I mentioned, I've lately been using busyness to avoid thinking about the state of my life. Since last week, I got pretty sick, had a terrible, sleepless night where I sank pretty low, missed some work, had a nice long talk with a good friend, and over the last few days have slowly started to feel ok about the general state of things. There's a noticeable difference between how busyness and busyness as escapism feel to me; the former is like driving a car, and the latter like riding a roller coaster. Maybe the word busyness is throwing people off, because there's nothing wrong with being busy. It's good in a lot of ways. What I'm doing is out-and-out procrastination - doing something else instead of the thing I want to/should be doing. But instead of lying-in-bed procrastination (which I also do), it's spending-an-evening-with-friends procrastination.

the former is like driving a car, and the latter like riding a roller coaster

haha i love it

Yeah, I'm not really getting the busyness debate in this thread. Obviously having too much time on your hands is bad & the opposite is also bad.

I get annoyed because I tend toward sloth, and everyone KNOWS that's messed up. But with super-busy people it's like "oh wow, that person is such a great, productive member of society" but I am pretty damn skeptical about the mental health of people who can't spend ANY time alone, and I have known quite a few.

Different people have different levels of extroversion and stress thresholds, too. I know I burn out very easily & need a lot of alone time and leisure time.

i mean 'busyness' as such becomes a problem for me because if i'm *not* busy, i come home and drink. and over time that has repercussions.

so instead of dealing with the problem under the problem--'hey, what am i avoiding by drinking or staying out of the house all the time?'--i just go crazy with Shit To Do, which winds up burning me out and leading to a period of Coming Home and Drinking Anyway.

so there's really no winning here for me, i guess.

really hearing you on the busyness as escapism thing, vinnie.

my life needs more busyness

I think I need to start seeing a shrink again.

imagine if everyone could just go once a week for free

in college you could go w/o being charged extra at least

yeah I haven't been since free counseling in college. it was CBT, and it helped me out a lot at the time, but I think I need a different approach this time around.

yeah I haven't been since free counseling in college

me too

p great to just walk out of yr dorm and then head in and there's someone there who knows your deal

Has Good Old Neon cropped up here yet?

The problems described wrt counselling turning into a personal exercise in gratification of the counsellor/psychiatrist's ego resonated very strongly with me. Does this ring true for anybody else?

i've had that feeling with one of my therapists, but i kept the focus on my self-absorption naturally so it didn't bug me too much

xpost is that a dfw thing?

*googles* indeed it is

ugh, i had a lousy first week at the new job and now i'm feeling that seppuku shame spiral thing. letting people down is just gut-wrenching for me. really trying to keep my chin up, but it's hard.

fuck a job man

give your kitty a hug, get bent--it'll get better!

yeah I haven't been since free counseling in college

after an apocalyptic breakup in summer '10 i went and saw a dude precisely 3 times--when i showed up for my fourth appointment all the lights in his office were on, the door was open, but he wasn't there. i didn't go back. in retrospect that was very strange and i probably should have been worried about the disappeared guy, but i was pretty solipsistic at the time and mainly concerned with 'well fuck that guy, i don't need therapy anyways.'

(before that guy i hadn't been since free counseling in college, is what i meant)

So fucking tired of feeling like I'm alone in the world.

well you are and you arent

i spent my weekend pretty much by myself except for work and a dinner with my parents. i was pretty darn lonely. but i skipped a work party and avoided calling at least three friends who i owed a call to. why? because depression. my fault.

Depression isn't yr fault. Call one of your friends this evening.

heh, "friends"

no friends?

i have quite a few "acquaintances" i would call them, but literally no one that i would feel at a level of friendship where a) i'd be comfortable talking to them about what's going on and b) would care to listen to me

Sometimes you gotta try, and just talk to a person. I know it's not easy, but sometimes it's what you gotta do.

seriously, jon, I totally felt like you do about 5 years ago, I had a partner and my parents, and that was it -- at least that's how I perceived it. I don't completely remember exactly how I went from that sense of solitariness to having a decent support network of friends, but "talking to a person" like LL says, was definitely part of it.

well, let me be straight here. i do have a "person to talk to". i mean, i've been in therapy for many years now and i've got that outlet once a week (most times). its just the in-between periods that are a struggle for me right now. it'd just be nice to have someone to call up even if it was all like, "fuck this week is rough, I need to get away" and hang out, not even complain to. it's just, man, i'm good at meeting acquiantances but for whatever reason i can't make the leap to "friends". and, actually, part of the problem right now is feeling i DON'T have my parents either.

a therapist is different from a friend though! And it seems like, from other things you've posted in the past year or so, that having friends to talk to/go to shows with/etc. would be helpful.

how do you make new friends when you're 30 and living in the suburbs? i'm grappling with this mystery right now.